Lin's Journal
9-23-10

Thursday

Eight thirty-ish

I OFFICIALLY HATE BEING A GIRL.

Doing anything bold makes my face turn completely red.

Confrontation makes me cry.

AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE EITHER OF THOSE!

I've tried! It's useless! Why won't the universe just let me be who I want to be? These stupid reflexes aren't like me at all! I hate them! Maybe I really should just die, so my stupid body doesn't keep betraying me! I hate being shy and most of all I hate, hate, hate being WEAK! I don't want to be a stereotypical girl who bursts into tears when you yell at her, but somehow I still am! I don't want to be a stereotypical girl who can't do anything bold or go up in front of people without turning completely red, BUT I AM!

Speaking of the universe, I didn't even get to see her today! Her name's Carrie or Connie, I'm starting to get it mixed up... so I guess this is what happens on days I don't carry my lucky buckeye, huh? NICE TO KNOW. FUCK YOU TOO, UNIVERSE.

I just want to sleep so I don't have to deal with this shit. Maybe I will. Maybe I'm just being an irritable bitch because I'm sleep-deprived. MAYBE it doesn't matter! My mom keeps telling me that I never finish anything, do you know how insulting that is? Oh, and this morning I needed a ride to school. I accidentally left her lunch out last night-

ONE LITTLE MISTAKE, and it's all "You never do anything right!" again! What kind of mother do I have! Am I being overly sensitive, or is it just a little wrong that my parents insult me to my face? Ugh... and I was so happy before she came in my room, too. I was reading a fanfiction, mixing my fifty-subscriber special mashup, and ladidah, ladidooh...

I hate the universe.

I hate the universe, I hate high school, I hate being a girl, and, wait for the classic angsty teen line...

I hate my life. Doesn't everybody?

Nine-ish
Geez, I guess I really get upset when I'm upset... I can see the all the words from my rant clearly on the next page. Sorry, journal.

I feel a bit obliged to explain everything that's happened since yesterday, since there's been a lot... Plus, I guess I just kind of don't want to forget all this. I can look back at all the embarrassing things I wrote as a teen when I'm thirty-five and roll my eyes.

It turns out my current dream girl is in the anime club, which meets on Wednesdays. Unfortunately, she's a junior, which is sad. Two years older is a bit of an unattainable goal. I wish I was the lucky guy in one of those mangas, the ones that are almost hentai but just wind up being a bunch of fanservice in the end. How he always somehow ends up with the girl, regardless of whether she was gay or not (for the sake of fanservice, of course) in the beginning. Yeah, that guy.

Can we have a luck transplant, please?

My eyelids feel cold. Stupid tears, leaving their goo behind when I never wanted them in the first place. It's still true that I hate being a sissy, though. Being a sissy is the worst. Imagine being a guy, yet every time you do something that pisses someone off-

THIS HUGE, BRIGHT RED BLUSH APPEARS ON YOUR FACE, AND IT DOESN'T GO AWAY FOR FIVE MINUTES, MAYBE FIFTEEN, AND NOW EVERYONE'S LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE BLUSHING.

I'd assume any guy with my problem would want to go die in a hole somewhere, too. But oh nooo. Girls are supposed to blush.

Bullshit, if you ask me.

Don't ask me, though. I'm horribly biased. Am I a feminist? Maybe.

Am I too much of a feminist? Probably. After all, most of America shuns feminism- considering sexism was in a way another building block of our nation, I don't blame them too much. I'll just match their stubbornness. Maybe I'm even just a bit more stubborn. I know I'm pretty pig-headed.

Maybe I'm a feminist because I believe that a man and a woman (or a boy and a girl I guess) can be non-romantic friends. Anything girls can do together for fun is automatically a date when you do it alone with a guy.

I went to a cheap restaurant with Hakuo yesterday for dinner before crew, and that ass from fourth period, the one who got held back twice, he asked if we were dating.

Then he asked Hakuo if he would bone me... ugh. I really hate him. Sexist bastard.

I really enjoy using that word, "bastard".

After that, at crew, we got to do demolition, which was not as fun as it sounds. It was hard work, but hard work is my thing when I'm there. I learned to enjoy the art of ripping nails out of wood with a hammer. Heck, I think I might've actually been the one who raised it to an art in the first place. I have it down to a science.

I also was on dustpan duty for pretty much all of cleanup. I even got some praise from Zatsune, who said I was the only freshman who was working every time she saw me. Then that Hagane Kaito guy, whatever his last name is, complained when she put down the other freshmen- and him, since he was standing with them- since he's a sophomore, and I remember her retort exactly.

"But I'm not a freshman-"

"Then stop acting like one."

It was so cool. I guess that's it for everything from the past two days, but I really should've written yesterday, especially since I knew her name perfectly then and am slowly forgetting it now...

Lin, you said it. I really do need to write more often ;x;

I keep forgetting what happens orz. Since my life / writing abilities are picking up again, I'll probably be writing a lot more because *cough* I can avoid my homework when I do.

I'll try not to become a high school dropout. lllOTL