Lin's Journal
10-25-10
Monday
Six-ish
I didn't go to crew today. I guess that's not the first thing I should be writing, but I'm just noticing it now. I'm kind of glad I didn't, I guess.
Len... is a mess. Dell... I just don't know what to think of him any more. He doesn't like people to care for him. Len cares. Len can't help but care, therefore Dell doesn't like him... I can't explain it. All I know is that I'm really worried about him. My mind keeps telling me to tell him that and I don't know why. All I can think is how he'll take it wrong. "I worry about you" = "you're pathetic and I feel sorry for you," and that's not true. "I care about you" = "I have romantic feelings for you," and I'm pretty sure that's not true either.
I've got a bad case of heartache, and don't you dare interpret that the wrong way. Maybe I need more than just a book to tell all my issues to. I just want someone to sit there and convince me they're listening, someone who won't jump to conclusions, because it's hard to be told of a girl worrying incessantly and having imagined chest pains without making the most obvious (and wrong) assumption.
I just worry! I want to be the one he can come to, but maybe that's the problem! And if that's the problem, then the solution is just another problem! After all, look at me, ranting to my book! I don't think he's the type who can write everything down then feel better about it.
I tried putting myself in their shoes once. I couldn't do it. I can't help because I have no experience with real romance / relationships / love issues, I can't not help because I care too much too, and I can't stop worrying and fretting. I want to fix this. I know that I can't, but I want to. I wish I could fix this. I wish I could fix this more than I've ever wished anything before. I just want my friend... and that other guy I know to both be happy. I don't care if the universe doesn't want them to, I want them to.
Shouldn't that count for something?
I guess I could try talking to Dell, but he'd probably get mad at me. Plus, I think that would be a major betrayal to Len. Finally... I have no idea how to talk to the guy. I have even less idea how to bring that up.
How can I say anything without sounding corny, nosy, whiny, or making things awkward? Good question. Though I suppose the whole making-things-awkward point is a minor issue, Dell probably wouldn't talk to me ever again if I did that. I don't know. I don't know him that well.
Well, I feel a bit better after ranting a bit. Now I've got this crackpot idea... Maybe Dell is only a workaholic (like he seems to be becoming) to keep his mind off his own problems.
Maybe they're both running away from their own problems, and that's why they're running away from each other..?
Agh, a whole journal entry that wasn't about me. Maybe I'm getting less selfish. I think that's good.