"Do you think as your popularity grew it forced you to reevaluate your relationships with people outside of the industry? Many people have said that once you get a taste of fame all sorts of people come out of the woodwork wanting a piece of it," Rita cocked an eyebrow curiously.
"I did change my telephone number," Rachel laughed.
"Yeah, I shut down my old Facebook page. I had to create a fan page instead which felt very strange- creating your own fan page seems entirely self-indulgent and self-centered," Quinn rolled her eyes.
"You had a blog as well," Rita pointed out.
"Yes, but that was always meant to be a way I could communicate directly with the people who supported me and the show. I started the blog shortly after my twitter account surpassed half a million people. There's only so much you can say in 140 characters. I wanted a more personal way to connect," Quinn chuckled.
"Do you think with the increased attention on social media over the decades that it's largely played a part in the lack of privacy?"
"It depends how you use it. We were always aware that it could be used as a PR tool but we never wanted it to be strictly promotional. We wanted to give people the opportunity to be a part of our lives since they had changed ours so greatly," Rachel answered.
"But it is a nuisance. The constant media attention, screening your words carefully, picking and choosing your photos with some idea of public reaction- did it make your personal lives more challenging?"
"Yes and no. It's social media- it's a way to connect to other people. No matter who you are or your profession you still have to be conscious of what image you're presenting to anyone who can view your interactions. I was well aware of that from the moment my grandmother joined Facebook when I was in high school," Rachel grinned.
"Did you or do you still have any creative control over your fanpages?" Rita questioned.
Quinn's creative control over her fanpage on Facebook had waned over the years. Her blog was still entirely contributed by herself. She never touched her website. Several online communities boasting her name had no actual affiliation with her directly. Her team ran a few sites but mostly screened the sites by fans claiming to be verified. Her blog and twitter accounts were the two things she had full creative control over.
Rachel's twitter and instagram accounts were the only things she had any control over. She let her team control everything else. She had a private Facebook page, as did Quinn. They were things they ever mentioned in any interviews. They had both created them during the first season and kept their friend lists small- family, a few selected friends, and members of the New Directions.
Neither would ever admit to owning such pages to Rita Johnston or any journalist. They would just go down as any of the other hundreds of private Facebook pages run by people pretending to be the real thing. It was the only way to keep their pages private.
They had given up so much of their privacy from the start. They needed one outlet that would still belong to them. Their private Facebook accounts and as much of their relationship as possible would belong to them and only the close friends that had known them for years.
"My blog. Our twitter accounts," Quinn answered.
"The problem with the internet and social media is access is so freely given. Even if you don't want to see gossip sites about yourself and your relationships it's there. It's linked to everything you do. An article about a rivalry between you and somebody you've never met gets linked to your twitter. Every gossip blogger under the sun can tag you in an article about your suddenly public breakup. I can't control everything that's said about me but by having only a few true accounts that belong to me I can control what I say in response. I can control how I interact with my fans online," Rachel explained further.
Quinn's apartment
9 years ago
"What's the problem?" Quinn asked.
Her perfectly sculpted eyebrow was cocked just right to signify amusement without coming off as condescending. Quinn Fabray had a rare gift with her damn eyebrows that always had Rachel inwardly convulsing in fits of jealousy. The brunette had spent her entire life honing her craft, ensuring that she could carefully convey any emotion using only her facial expressions. She dreamt of being an actress and practiced in front of a mirror daily. If she dropped her eyelids like so- and tilted her head just right- what emotion would that clearly indicate? Then Quinn Fabray came waltzing through the halls of McKinley High and so perfectly displayed everything. The real trick was her ability to only show as much as she wanted- when she wanted. She was a true master of acting. She hid behind a mask of one emotion but allowed a sliver of what she wanted you to truly know to sneak through in the right moments.
"Rach," Quinn prompted again.
Rachel shook her head from those thoughts. Dwelling on her jealousies and infatuations of another's talents had never gotten her far with friends. She had finally put the dreams out of her head. The last thing she needed was to fixate on more of Quinn's talents.
"If you're here to complain about Josh's ineptitude in the bedroom, spare me. The thought of you engaging in any sexually depraved activities makes me hurl," Santana snorted.
Rachel's jaw flopped open- a move she had practiced time and again to indicate shock and utter bewilderment.
"That is not at all what I came here to discuss," Rachel stomped her foot.
Santana smirked, amused by her own ability to rile up the smaller girl. Courtney high-fived her while Brooke shook her head in laughter.
"What's going on?" Quinn asked again, cutting in as the voice of reason between the two- as usual.
"It is about Josh," Rachel admitted reluctantly.
Quinn shifted in her seat. Her posture a little more rigid. Her arms crossed of their own volition. Any traces of her former amusement or teasing vanished. All were clear indicators that Quinn Fabray meant business.
Rachel fought against the forming smile. She loved protective Quinn. Every time Quinn bristled on Rachel's behalf, it served as a reminder that the blonde cared. Somehow, after years of trying, Rachel had succeeded in befriending the enigma sitting before her. Those moments when Quinn prepared for battle- a battle for Rachel- those were the moments that endeared her.
Also the rare moments when Quinn let her guard down made Rachel feel special. When Quinn laughed freely, unabashedly- Rachel knew she had finally made her way into the inner circle of those Quinn trusted. When she allowed the smaller girl to cuddle up close- to snuggle, Rachel knew that it wasn't one-sided. Quinn needed their friendship just as much as Rachel did. When Quinn confessed her secret dreams for the future, Rachel knew she would be a part of that future.
"Boys are annoying, aren't they," Santana cut into Rachel's thoughts.
Rachel rolled her eyes.
"They're not annoying. They're occasionally gross as I've learned from living with Matt…but you take the good with the bad," Courtney grinned.
"Unless there's nothing but bad, annoying, gross boy habits and parts," Santana persisted.
"I love Michael's gross boy habits and his parts," Brooke giggled.
They all knew that Brooke and Michael would get married someday. They'd been dating since high school. They'd been living together for years. Somehow they had a nearly perfect relationship. They'd found a balance between spending time together, living together, and still allowing nights out with friends- like the current ladies night at Quinn's apartment.
"Josh isn't annoying per say. It's not gross boy habits. I knew living with a guy would be…different. We've been adjusting it's just…lately, it's gotten harder," Rachel sighed.
"Why?" Santana pressed.
Quinn's thoughtful yet calculating gaze remained on Rachel. Like the quintessential lioness stalking, preparing her next move, Quinn sat motionless but attentive. Rigid in her waiting- she was still actively participating in the conversation without a word. Rachel felt a thrill work its way up her spine. Quinn was anticipating the hunt- who she would need to attack to defend her pride. Rachel was part of her pride.
"I can't stand the way he eats bananas," Rachel confessed.
It sounded ridiculous once she voiced it. She knew it was stupid. It'd been bothering her for days. She'd been picking fights with him over the smallest things.
The brunette winced while Quinn's lips betrayed the first hint of something other than kill, harm, maim. Quinn schooled her features just as quickly. The Latina was less skilled in the art of hiding her thoughts- or simply never cared for tact to begin with. Santana guffawed loudly and slapped her leg. Courtney and Brooke joined in Santana's laughter. Brittany looked on thoughtfully and tilted her head to the side like a curious puppy.
"I'm serious. I know it sounds stupid. There have been so many little things along the way but then yesterday he was just eating this banana in the kitchen. It was obscene. I don't know if I was more horrified for the banana or disgusted that I witnessed it. He devoured it like it was the most enjoyable thing he'd ever eaten. It wasn't even the way he ate it- it was the way he enjoyed it," Rachel blurted.
Santana slouched over clutching her stomach as she clearly enjoyed the conversation. Courtney latched on to her arm and fell in a fit of giggles as well. Brittany quirked a smile and chuckled softly. Brooke shook her head and grinned. Quinn betrayed nothing once more. Stoic and curious, if she had been a real lioness the only clue that she was listening would have been a possible tick of her ears. Instead, Rachel knew from pure instinct alone that she still had Quinn's full attention.
"I know it's not a big deal. But it felt monumental. I thought- could I really spend the rest of my life watching him devour produce with more gusto than he'd ever shown me? It just hit me all at once. I've never really planned for Josh as a permanent fixture. I never thought he'd be that guy for me. So why did I pursue this? Why did I agree to move in with him? I admit that I do care about him. I love him…I love him so much…but…"
Santana sobered from her merriment when Rachel's explanation took a turn in a more serious direction. All of the girls quieted. Brooke mumbled an excuse about more pizza and ran off to the kitchen.
"But are you in love with him?" Brittany asked in sincerity.
Rachel shrugged, "I don't know- I didn't give it any thought. I just rushed right in."
They all sat in silence for a moment as the weight of Rachel's words sunk in.
"I don't know. Maybe I'm a little drunk," Rachel shrugged.
"Who wants rum and coke?" Brooke sang from the kitchen doorway.
"I do!" Brittany squealed.
"A round for everyone," Santana muttered.
Brooke and Courtney went about filling up glasses and mixing the alcohol and the soda. Santana and Brittany were silently communicating. Quinn kept her gaze on Rachel who stared at her own cup with a frown. The tiny brunette puzzled over her slightly inebriated outburst. What if she really wasn't in love with Josh? What if she had just rushed into the relationship without much thought?
"Karaoke time!" Courtney squealed, cuing up the karaoke game on the wii.
The rest of the girls lost themselves in the alcohol and the karaoke. Eventually Rachel's intense love of competition and vocal prowess won out and forced her to end her internal musings. Quinn watched them all with a smile though her head was miles away. Rachel wasn't in love with Josh. Over the past two weeks, the brunette constantly showed up at Quinn's apartment. If she was trying to get space from Josh, it was never voiced. Instead, the two former roommates had several movie nights. Sometimes Rachel stayed over. It wasn't completely shocking to Quinn that the brunette's relationship with Josh was a little rocky. She was taken back that Rachel actually admitted it.
Three instagram photos surfaced online that night. One of Courtney rocking out during karaoke. One of Brooke and Brittany attempting to recreate a Lady Gaga dance routine. The last was a photo of Rachel curled up in Quinn's lap wrapped in a blanket half asleep while Quinn grinned happily. The last photo was reblogged and retweeted over 60,000 times in the span of two hours.
Rachel told Josh that Quinn was going through a hard time. She said Quinn was really depressed because Shawn moved back to Australia. Rachel wanted to be a supportive friend and that's why she was always at Quinn's. She wasn't avoiding their home despite his questions if he had done something wrong. She thought maybe it was just a phase she was going through- like the week that she dreamt of Quinn. Maybe it was just a combination of stress and hormones- if she waited it out, things would go back to normal and she'd understand why she had been so taken with Josh from the start.
"So they weren't dating?" Josh asked.
"I told you. People assumed they were together but he is not Quinn's type."
"Because she likes chicks."
"Because…a multitude of reasons," Rachel argued.
"And they were just friends?"
"Yes, Josh. They were friends. Her friend moved to Australia. She's upset. It's perfectly natural."
"You moved and you guys are obviously still very close," Josh shrugged.
"I didn't move out of the country. I moved to a different house. It's not the same thing."
"You've been there like every night. If she had a penis, I'd be freaked out," Josh joked.
"Don't be crude. She's my best friend and she needs me. I can't believe you. Try to find a little sensitivity," Rachel glared.
He shrugged wondering for the millionth time how he kept managing to screw up every conversation with his girlfriend. Rachel stared at the picture from Santana's instagram and wondered when she fell out of love with her boyfriend and when Quinn became her escape for everything.
The cracks were showing. Like a chip in a car windshield, it started small- but as time wore on the chip splintered into a larger crack until the damage was visible and the car deemed unsafe.
The bathroom door slammed shut with a bang. Josh jumped at the sound watching the framed picture of Mr. & Mr. Berry on the adjoining wall in the hallway shake from the force. The shaggy haired man shook his head in wonder. He ran his fingers through the matted tendrils and thought for the fourth time that week that he could really use a haircut.
"Babe," Josh called out cautiously.
Several items clattered behind the closed door. There was a muffled "ouch" followed by the clanking of perfume bottles. Josh winced.
"Rach," he tried again, hopefully.
A few more clanks before she finally responded.
"Not now, Josh."
Her response had been curt and tense. He knew she was choking back tears. The real mystery was the reason for the tears. There was a loud crash followed by a squeak. He ran to the bathroom door and pounded on it demanding to know if Rachel was okay. He had two auditions that afternoon and really did not have time for her dramatics unless it was dire.
That was Rachel though. For the past few days, anything and everything set her off. She was giggling hysterically on the phone with Quinn and then two minutes later crying hysterically over an AT&T commercial. His first thought had been that she had actually lost her mind from all of the stress at work. His second thought, the one that made his stomach twist in knots, was that maybe somehow, despite all of their caution, Rachel was pregnant. When he carefully voiced that concern the look of death he received in return was enough to convince him that option two wasn't the case. She didn't speak to him for a day. She went to Quinn's, spent the night, and then came back the next day as if nothing had happened.
He knew work had become very stressful. They were filming the big Regional Show Choir Competition episode. The hours were long. The cast was exhausted. Rachel snipped at him more often than usual. She hadn't had a break in months and so many things were happening at the same time. She was stressed- it was to be expected.
He hadn't expected the harsh rebuttal when he casually let it slip that his mother asked when they were coming to visit for the holidays. He also hadn't expected the immediate protest when he mentioned that his mother joked about marriage. He was walking on eggshells wondering what topics could be broached for conversation and when he should just sit in silence.
Most of the current day had been spent in silence. He was watching television and Rachel was on her computer. She was on the phone with someone- probably Quinn- and they were talking about Chang somebody while Rachel surfed Facebook. She made some weird squeak, got off the phone as quickly as possible, and suddenly shut her laptop. He stared at her for a second. She barely acknowledged him before she stormed off to the bathroom.
He checked his watch again. He had forty minutes before he needed to leave for his audition. That was forty minutes exactly and he would still be pushing it to make it to Paramount on time. Midday traffic would be heinous but he knew he could make it if he left in exactly…thirty nine minutes.
"Babe, do you want to tell me what's going on?" Josh asked again.
The door handle jiggled. He waited. He tried the knob again.
"Babe?" Josh pressed the issue cautiously, not sure if he was ready for another blow out or another fight.
It was getting exhausting. How had their relationship spiraled so out on control over only a few weeks?
"Rach, baby."
"Just let it go," Rachel growled from the other side of the door.
Her tone took him off guard. Of course she was pissed for some strange reason yet again. He was so tired to doing everything wrong lately. He knew she had crazy hours but he also knew she stayed on set as long as possible, often longer than necessary. The hurt began to manifest into anger instead.
"Alright. This is getting ridiculous, Rachel. You're an adult not a freaking child. Use your big girl words. Stop picking fights with me for no fucking reason. I've had enough of it this week," Josh snapped.
The door handle jiggled once more and a hairbrush flew out. It missed his head by nearly a foot. He glared at the fallen object and then slammed his fist on the door.
"Seriously? I don't need this today!"
He was met with silence. Then a mumbled apology followed. She seemed sincere but he could also tell she had been crying. If he hadn't feared for his life from the hairbrush, he would probably have been a little more understanding. However, he had an audition and he was already frustrated. He knew where this was all leading and he couldn't possibly deal with it at the moment. He couldn't face the approaching implosion. He needed to focus on his audition then deal with the rest later. If she wanted to break his heart, she could at least wait until after his auditions this week.
He stormed into the living room and picked up Rachel's abandoned phone. After scrolling through the contacts he found the number he needed with a star next to it informing him that is was a favorite and most likely one of her speed dials. He paused at the send button. With a scowl on his face, he scrolled to his own number. He didn't know why he had expected anything. The star was still there but it felt like its presence next to his name was mocking him. With an exaggerated huff, he scrolled back to the previous number and hit send.
It rang twice.
"Hey," came the breathless response from the other end.
"It's Josh."
"Oh hey," Quinn's voice lifted in surprise.
Josh paused when he heard from clanking from the bathroom.
"Is everything okay?" Quinn asked.
The concern was immediate and palpable. She was breathing hard from who knows what Josh interrupted. Though Rachel was convinced that Quinn was a celibate saint, Josh had his moments when he seriously doubted that someone that gorgeous who was that famous would sit around the house refusing dates from every person who dared to ask.
He liked Quinn. She was smart. She was very pretty. He couldn't get over the impression that she didn't like him. She was never too warm when it came to him. He saw her compassion. He had seen her laugh from time to time. None of that warmth was ever directed toward him. When she looked at him, her eyes were cold. No, not cold. Those hazel pools were frozen over with some emotion he couldn't place. Each time he fought to keep the shiver that made its way up his spine from becoming an actual physical reaction. If high school had taught that choirboy anything, girls like Quinn Fabray thrived on the weakness and fear of others.
"Josh, what's going on?" Quinn's worry cut through his thoughts.
"I wish I knew, Quinn. She's locked in the bathroom. I can't- I mean- I don't even know anymore. This entire week has just been…we had a near-miss with a hairbrush. She won't talk to me and I have to leave for an audition in…thirty two minutes. What am I supposed to do?"
Quinn heaved a great sigh as if she had been burdened with the knowledge of how to solve the world's problems but was constantly facing resistance from the rest of the universe. She hung up after promising to "be right over." Josh was pretty sure that Quinn's back should be hunched over from carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders- or her back would be hunched if the stick up her ass didn't keep it so ramrod straight. He smirked at that thought but just as quickly it left his face when Rachel heaved a sob from the bathroom.
No, Quinn Fabray didn't know how to solve the world's problems. She didn't carry the weight of the world on her shoulders either. The actuality of it was that the world at large had nothing to do with Quinn Fabray…she was just the only person who could fix Josh's world that sat crying behind that door.
"Bathroom," Josh sighed the moment he heard the front door open.
He had never really bothered to examine the friendship between Quinn and Rachel. They were best friends. They had been roommates when he met the brunette. It seemed natural that they were extraordinarily close. It wasn't until he became Rachel's roommate that he realized she was still closer to Quinn. Quinn got a key to their house. His girlfriend had ordered three sets despite whatever tensions had initially been between the former roommates. Rachel had known eventually they would overcome their issues and Quinn would need a key. Why Quinn needed constant unlimited access to their home- that was beyond him.
It seemed like she and Quinn had pulled away bit by bit when Rachel first moved out. The blonde didn't come over every day. The key thing hadn't been an issue when she wasn't really using it. Josh had wormed his way into a more permanent fixture in Rachel's life. That's exactly what he wanted to be…because he loved her. He wanted to be in her life forever. Quinn gave them space and Josh thought he had finally unlocked all the mysteries of Rachel Berry.
Then things changed. Quinn and Shawn happened- or didn't actually happen. Somewhere along the line of their convoluted relationship between friends and lovers, Quinn and Shawn became a strange hybrid of a relationship after the actor moved to LA. To Josh's knowledge, she was still a lesbian but she had basically dated the Australian. Rachel ranted about it enough for Josh to know it was a weird situation and that his tiny little girlfriend had been furious. As the months passed and the season stretched on, Quinn and Rachel started spending more time together. They had movie nights again. It wasn't every day but fairly consistent that they would hang out once a week. Then Shawn moved.
Suddenly things were different again. Now Quinn used her key more than he used his own. Now Rachel spent countless nights away from him. When did everything change so drastically? He wasn't blind. He knew his girlfriend was pulling away. He'd never examined her friendship with Quinn but now it slapped him across the face daily.
"Please," Quinn's broken plea stirred something in him.
The normally stoic and composed blonde was kneeling next to the bathroom door, pleading for Rachel to let her in. It was sincere. It was…revealing.
Just like that every piece of the puzzle clicked into place.
Quinn was in love with his girlfriend.
Josh tightened his jaw. He'd been fighting off jealousy over Rachel's best friend for weeks. Sure, Quinn was a lesbian and that was a little weird for him to share his girlfriend with someone who could potentially be interested but it didn't mean that Rachel was. He didn't have anything to worry about. He assured himself of that multiple times. Then Rachel called Quinn first after good news. Rachel stayed at Quinn's house a few times a week. He still told himself he had nothing to worry about. Yet worry etched its way across his countenance and filled his veins with icy cold dread.
This was the beginning of the end.
He watched as the blonde fished out a hairpin and jammed it into the lock. She was going to break into the bathroom? He could have done that. Hell, he could've busted down the damn door. Rachel would've had a fit though. She wanted to be left alone and if Josh had pushed…more than a hairbrush would've flown at his head.
"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked, opening the door.
Her cheeks were stained from tears. Her were eyes puffy and bloodshot. Her nose crinkled up adorably as she sniffled. Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth to stop it from trembling. He was so completely in love with the broken girl in the hallway but somehow knew that didn't really matter.
"Thank God," Quinn whispered, jumping to her feet to wrap her arms around Rachel.
The brunette collapsed into Quinn. The blonde turned her head to stare at Josh. He shrank under the look. It was equal parts annoyance at him for whatever he had surely done wrong and triumph for being the one who was allowed to fix it. His heart thumped wildly in his chest just before he turned.
He wouldn't be late for his audition. He was probably going to bomb it anyway. Quinn was Rachel's best friend…who was in love with her…but he had nothing to worry about. His relationship was unraveling but he had nothing to worry about.
Ten minutes later Rachel was wrapped up in a blanket sitting at one end of the couch. Quinn smiled gently when she brought in two cups of tea. She handed one to Rachel who took it graciously and then sat her own carefully on a coaster on the coffee table. She sat down on the opposite end of the couch and pulled her feet up to hug her knees to her chest.
"So you saw it?" the blonde asked, though it came out more like a statement.
Rachel twisted the blanket around her fingers and nodded. The explanation fell from her lips like water flowing down a hillside. Once she started, she couldn't stop the flash flood of reasons and doubts.
"It was just there on his Facebook. I know it shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm happy for him...it's just…I didn't expect it to hurt. I couldn't tell Josh. I couldn't explain it. He would think I was still in love with Finn. It's not that. Our problems have nothing to do with Finn. I wouldn't want to be in Georgia living near an army base, pretending to be the perfect little wife…but they're having a baby," Rachel trailed off in a whisper.
"Yeah," Quinn nodded still a little dazed as well.
"I spent so much time being mad at him. I was furious for the way things ended between us. Then I was furious that it ended at all. Every single time I went back to Lima…my heart ached to be with him. Every time I saw him it was like being in high school all over again. For whatever reason, he blinded me and I'd get so caught up in needing to be with him. It drove me crazy. It made me angry. Then one day I just…stopped…I stopped being angry. I stopped wishing that things would magically work out. If we really and truly were meant to be together, we'd end up together."
"Tethered," Quinn agreed softly.
It still stung when she thought back on that funeral. The way she needed someone to cling to, the way she wanted someone to comfort her. In the end, Finn hadn't been that guy to be her rock. He had been Rachel's rock. He'd said he was tethered to her.
"I moved on. I pushed myself in school. I loved the stage. It made me feel free again. It was the one place where Finn Hudson's hold on me couldn't pull. He wrote letters to me for a while. During their engagement, every time he would freak out- he'd write. Eventually Kurt screened our mail. He'd throw them out and I put Finn out of my mind. We were so unhealthy together," Rachel confessed.
Quinn squeezed her knees tighter to her chest. In these moments, she wanted to squeeze Finn's neck until his eyes popped out of his head. He always meant well. He didn't want to torture Rachel. He hadn't meant to torture Quinn. At least Quinn had deserved his antics. She had lied to him about Beth. Her heart ached when she thought of the little girl and it sank even more when she remembered all of the people she had hurt with her lies.
"I know I'm being irrational. I'm sure Josh was terrified by my outburst. Then again, he's probably been getting used to those. In my defense, I wasn't throwing that hairbrush at him…I just…"Rachel trailed off.
"Chucked my hairbrush at your wall," Quinn raised her eyebrow in amusement.
She hadn't failed to notice the location of her missing hairbrush.
"Don't get a big head, Fabray. It was in my car. It's not my fault that you left it there."
Quinn laughed and shook her head, "if you missed me, you could've called. You don't need my DNA for a clone experiment."
Rachel rolled her eyes as if it was a ridiculous notion. Still, the blush crept onto her cheeks without warning- warming them and making her heart pump just a bit quicker.
"It was a culmination of many factors. It's not Finn. It's everything. Things with Josh are so messed up and I know that's my fault. I know he feels it. I know I'm hurting him but…I'm scared. It's like being trapped in this weird bubble where everybody else watches and pokes at it but never bursts it."
"You're not locked in forever. You know you have a place to stay if you need it," Quinn promised.
Rachel sighed and relaxed into the couch. The pillows gave way around her, allowing her small frame to sink further in the plush depths. Quinn watched her with a small smile playing on her lips.
Rachel took a deep breath and shook her head.
"I hate living a boy."
Quinn chuckled while Rachel crossed her arms.
"When did everything get so confusing?" Rachel asked.
There was this never-ending pit in her stomach that threatened to swallow her whole on some days. Her privacy had virtually disappeared. Her fathers had stopped calling as frequently. Yes, she had been busy. Yes, she rarely answered. There had been something so reassuring about coming home to messages on her answering machine from her fathers. Sometimes they sang silly songs about missing her. Over time, they stopped leaving messages until eventually there were even less missed calls. She would call them when she was free. It felt like all of her relationships were crumbling apart just when she needed the support the most.
"For me, I would say high school. For you…welcome to adulthood. It sucks," Quinn answered with a smirk.
Rachel tossed a pillow at her. Quinn's Cheerio reflexes kicked in and she caught it with ease and a grin.
"We really need to work on your predilection for throwing things. My hairbrush won't always be handy and one of these days you're actually going to connect with Josh's head," Quinn teased.
"He just won't let it be. He pushes for things. He's constantly pushing. His mother is pushing. I'm trying so hard to force this and the more I try, the more it shatters. I can't even fully commit to this wonderful guy who loves me- and Finn is having a child…with another woman," Rachel groaned.
Quinn's smile melted from her face. Finn Hudson, the ever-present thorn in her side. It seemed no matter where she roamed he somehow popped up again to prick her. The constant reminder that Rachel was never hers, even before she shared her with the rest of the world.
"It's not that I still think about him. That wound healed long ago- or at least I was so sure that it had. It doesn't really hurt. It's more like an old bruise. Faded and a little discolored, aches slightly if you poke at it too much," Rachel explained, her eyes watering.
Quinn nodded. She was at a loss for words. It was strange. The last time Finn had been expecting a child it had been with her. They were going to raise a child together. Then all hell broke loose and all of that still ached and scratched away at her insides. She never loved Finn. She certainly never cared for him in the way that Rachel had…but it was strange. He was going to be a father. He was married. He did all of those things without Rachel Berry. Somehow after years of McKinley High beating it into her brain, those things seemed wrong.
"I always thought, in the back of my mind, if one day all of this disappeared- I'd be okay. I'd go back to Lima and somehow things would be just like they were. Only I'd be older this time, I'd be ready for that kind of love. I'd get married, settle down, and have children. I don't even know if I want any of those things anymore. I don't know if I'm capable of it."
Rachel grew quiet for a few moments. Both were lost in their own thoughts.
"Josh and I are ripping at the seams. While everyone else is settling down and starting new lives- mine is unraveling once again. It was easy when our goals were the same. Josh and I are ambitious. We both would take over the world if we could. Now I've reached a level of success that I hardly dreamed I could…he doesn't want that anymore. He wants to go back to New York. He won't say it but I know it. We live in the same house but we don't live in the same world," Rachel stared at a picture of the two of them on the mantel across the room.
Josh had seemed so perfect when they met. She was terrified of being alone…and he had seemed so perfect in a way that Finn Hudson could've never blended with her dreams.
"You know, it only has to work out once. That's all it takes. You find that person and- and it makes all of this seem so pointless," Quinn cut in.
Rachel turned her gaze back to the blonde. Quinn's hazel eyes were nearly green, a sign that she was being completely honest. She really and truly believed that 'forever love' happens once in a lifetime and that it could happen for anyone. Rachel smiled despite herself. The cold, calculating head Cheerio was secretly a romantic at heart.
"I'm petrified at the thought of being alone. It's tearing him up. I'm hurting him so much but I am scared to death to be alone in this new world with everyone watching. I'm so terrified to be judged as a failure. I could waste all my chances and end up alone with everyone tweeting about Spinster Berry," Rachel shrugged.
"Yeah right. That will not happen," Quinn laughed.
Quinn was so sure. She spoke with such conviction that Rachel's heart skipped a beat.
"How do you know? If I keep letting opportunities slip through my fingers, eventually they stop coming. People stop calling. Life keeps going but I could get stuck, standing still all alone," Rachel pulled the blanket up to her chin, as if it could protect her from her own thoughts.
"That's impossible, Rachel…you have this way of drawing people to you. You always have. Even in high school when we wanted to hate you, look at us now. Who are your best friends? The three Cheerios who wanted to write you off but couldn't. You drew us in. You made us…you made us love you, long before you won over the whole country," Quinn blushed prettily.
It swept across her delicate features, painting her cheeks in the most flattering shade of pink. It only deepened in color when the blonde noticed Rachel's eyes carefully memorizing each detail.
"Some people were just meant to have it all. You're one of those people. You'll have everything- the career, the epic love story, everything."
Quinn shrugged slightly while Rachel held her breath anxiously. A new tension filled the tiny singer. She felt like the strings of a violin, waiting to be plucked to make the most beautiful music for the person who knew exactly how to play her best. Her heart hammered in its cage beneath her breast as she watched Quinn fight some unknown internal battle that made her eyes cloud over in thought and the tips of her ears pink. Rachel wished she could read the blonde's mind to know what war was raging beneath the surface.
Then Quinn faced her fully will a silly smirk.
"Besides, you'll never be alone. You'll be doing this forever. You're too talented. You would've been miserable in Lima, Ohio being Finn Hudson's wife. You were born for the stage. It's why you felt so free there, you said it yourself. You come alive when you sing, Berry. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. Josh is a good guy. He loves you. You want different things right now. That's okay. Things will work out when they're meant to. If you break up, it's not the end of the world. Who cares what some strangers think about your relationship on Twitter. It only matters what you think. If you're unhappy, just end it. I promise you will never be alone. I'll still be around. Someday when you're living in the suburbs of New Jersey and your little girl, Janet Barbra or whomever-," Quinn was grinning at the name.
"My daughter will be Sally Barbra," Rachel interrupted.
"Sally- Rachel, you cannot name your daughter Sally Barbra."
"Although I enjoy Rocky Horror, I am not about to name my daughter after a character who frequently parades around in her underwear. Somehow I think that could give her the wrong message," Rachel huffed.
Quinn rolled her eyes and laughed.
"Fine whatever, Janet happens to be my grandmother's name, but fine."
"We'll work on it. I have others as well, Julie- Andrews, Ethel- Merman, Angela- Lansbury, Debbie- Reynolds-" Rachel began to list.
"Okay, we'll work on it," Quinn interrupted with a giggle. "Though you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who will let you name your daughter Ethel. There is no one under the age of the 65 named Ethel."
"Quinn!"
"The point is," Quinn attempted to get them both back on track. "The point is when little Julie-Ethel-Angela-Whoever graduates from high school, you're going to call me up and complain. You're so upset that she's going off college to study pre-law because she inherited her mother's penchant for needless arguing. Then when you call me in tears- because Rachel Berry does not have a half-assed reaction to anything- I'm going to simply remind you of this very conversation when your biggest fear was being alone. Then I will laugh in your face and tell you I told you so because you'll wish you were lonely after a household of children for several years."
Rachel chortled in response and tapped the top on Quinn's foot with her own.
"What happens when all of my amazingly talented and intelligent children leave me?" Rachel grinned.
"Well then- when you're sad because you feel like your baby girl is all grown up and your other children have long ago flown the coop. You're scared that you'll be all alone in an empty house after years of being on stage and raising babies and being blissfully happy. Then the most amazing thing will happen…you know what's going to happen then?"
Rachel shook her head, eyes wide. She was completely engrossed in Quinn's story. All wrapped up in her blanket, wide eyed, and enthralled- she looked like a little kid who just heard of Santa Clause for the first time.
"I'll walk right into the living room looking absolutely fabulous because I fully intend on aging well- and I'll come over to where you're sitting on the couch by yourself wrapped up in a blanket wondering what happens next and being far too dramatic about a situation that happens to every parent. And I'll pop out the champagne."
"The champagne?" Rachel giggled.
"Yes because we're celebrating that you made it to a rip old age, got married, raised children, and still look beautiful. And I'll wrap your tiny, little, abnormally petite body up in my arms while laughing and squeeze you till your eyeballs threaten to pop out of your head because I told you so. And I'm always right about these things."
Rachel grinned and tapped her foot on top of Quinn's again in protest against the slight to her size. Quinn grinned right back, eyes a peculiar shade of green that seemed to sparkle in delight.
"You're a hell of charmer, Fabray," Rachel teased.
"You're just an easy target, Berry. I know you too well."
Rachel just laughed and shook her head, "Tell me more. I like this story."
"More? Okay. Let's see here. While we drink champagne to celebrate your youngest getting into some Ivy League school, I'll casually drop into the conversation that they're doing a revival of A Streetcar Named Desire and that Rachel Berry would make the most terrific Blanche New York City has ever seen. We'll plan out your great, triumphant return to the stage. Desiree in A Little Night Music and someday Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf- and you'll keep on adding to your collection of Tony's. In between shows and graduations, marriages, babies, grandbabies- I'm gonna be around to laugh in your face- like a true best friend would...or just so I can say I told you so. I love being right. And you, Rachel Berry, could never end up alone. I won't let that happen," Quinn promised.
Rachel's eyes shone with unshed tears. Her heart raged against any usual rhythm, pumping erratically. This feeling in her chest simply wasn't normal. She didn't know how to react- what to do. She wanted to give Quinn Fabray the world in that moment. She tapped her foot on Quinn's twice instead. Quinn slide her foot out from underneath Rachel's to tap the brunette's foot. Somehow it became like a game between the two- who could tap the other's foot. Soon Rachel was giggling as Quinn made a valiant effort to escape Rachel's tapping feet. Her dream didn't have to mean anything but this conversation meant everything.
Eventually they tired of the game and Rachel flopped across the couch to lay her head across Quinn's lap. The brunette fell asleep with Quinn's fingers combing through her locks. The blonde had managed to grab the New York Times, which Rachel insisted on having despite living in LA for nearly two years.
Quinn had almost finished the crossword when Josh came home again.
"Hey," Josh was a little surprised to see that the blonde was still there.
Quinn nodded to the sleeping girl. Josh smiled and let out a sigh. He crossed the room to plop down into the large recliner.
"What happened?" Josh asked softly.
"A combination of a lot of things," Quinn assured.
Josh wiped his hand down his face and sunk further into the chair. He let out another sigh. This time it seemed to be of relief rather than pure exhaustion.
"I ran into Brittany in the studio lot. She told me about Finn," Josh confessed.
He grit his teeth afterwards. Quinn watched his jaw twitch as he fought whatever emotion.
"It wasn't really Finn. It was...too much of everything all at once. You know Rachel, she has reaction for everything. It wasn't about Finn," Quinn attempted to smile at the boy in front of her.
That was exactly what he looked like in the moment- a lost boy. His shaggy hair, his rumpled clothes, his hunched posture, and his delicate features- he was a pretty guy. He was good looking. He still had an innocence about him that most men in Hollywood seemed to lack. He looked young. He looked unsure about everything. Quinn knew that he was unsure- unsure about Hollywood, unsure about acting when it didn't involve singing and dancing, unsure about his career, unsure about his future, and unsure about Rachel. They were the same age. He was still trying to figure out the world just as much as everyone else she knew. He simply had the misfortune of not making it on the one TV show that required singing and dancing- and the misfortune to fall in love with the girl who did.
"It's not working, is it?" Josh asked quietly.
"That's not for me to say."
"I keep trying. I have no idea what I'm doing. She's unlike anyone I've ever met…I know you get it."
Quinn froze. It was the way he said it. He knew. He knew she loved Rachel. He still smiled at her…but he knew.
"You're a good friend, Quinn. You're a hell of a lot stronger than I could ever be. Maybe I'm just selfish. I need all of her- or I need none of her. The crazy thing is, I keep thinking that maybe it's worth it. Maybe I should just give it up and stay here. Maybe I should put everything I have into this- into her. Maybe I can make her see that I can be the person she needs...teach her to love me," Josh tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling.
Quinn's heart plummeted into the ground. She had never really liked Josh. Yet for the first time, she felt for him. He was just as caught up as she was. He was just as lost.
"She hated Shawn. You've gotta know that," Josh laughed abruptly.
"What?"
"It drove her crazy. She was a heinous bitch for weeks- I say that with love but man, you haven't had to deal with the crazy mood swings. She's happy and great. Then she's miserable. I think she misses living with you. I think she misses her dads. I know she misses her privacy. Anytime she steps out of the house, somebody takes a picture. I don't even know what we're doing anymore. I feel like I'm just making it worse. I mean I was an idiot-I thought she was pregnant. She really loves throwing shit when she thinks somebody is an idiot."
Quinn chuckled at that and nodded. It was strange to bond with Josh. He smiled at her and she found herself returning it genuinely. Josh shook his head in amusement. That was the first time Quinn had ever given him a genuine smile. No wonder Rachel craved her attention so much. It was thrilling to see the blonde beam in his direction. It felt like unlocking some forbidden treasure- golden coins shining at him for the first time, weaving thrills of endless possibilities with such fortunes. Maybe it was the cool exterior. She'd never been an outright bitch to him but she'd never been remotely warm. A true smile was like summer sunshine after endless winter.
After Rachel's history with Quinn, maybe that was the reason she needed the blonde so much. He'd read all about their past in a few articles. Rachel rarely spoke about it but had briefly explained it to him when he pressed for information. Somehow all had been forgiven and they were the best of friends. The small part of Josh that had always found Quinn intimidating but gorgeous completely understood the thrill of winning her over, even for a second.
"I don't know why she hated Shawn. He was actually a really, surprisingly nice guy," Quinn shrugged.
"You know Rachel better than anybody. She doesn't like to share…especially with your boyfriend."
Again Quinn froze at the unspoken implications of that statement. Was Josh humoring her with what he thought she wanted to hear? Did he really believe that Rachel was jealous if Shawn was her boyfriend? Or was it all just part of this strange bonding experience between the two?
"He wasn't my boyfriend," Quinn replied stiffly.
"Of course not. He's not your type," Josh replied, staring at her.
It was almost a challenge. He didn't seem to be angry. He wasn't throwing down the gauntlet. It was more like he was simply stating a fact.
"Josh-," Quinn started uneasily.
Rachel hummed and stirred slightly in Quinn's lap, catching the attention of the other two occupants of the room.
"I heard he headed back to Australia. Something about an offer for a series?" Josh asked, lightening things once again. "It sucks that your friend left. Rachel really wanted to be there for you right after that. She wanted to spend all her time with you. She still does. It must be nice."
"I didn't want to come between you-," Quinn started again.
They both watched as Rachel scrunched her face in confusion before her eyes fluttered open. She took a deep breath and smiled at the faint smell of Quinn's perfume. She looked up at the blonde and beamed.
"I fell asleep?" Rachel asked.
Quinn didn't return the grin with Josh's watchful gaze on them. She just nodded. Rachel blinked a few times then turned to face Josh.
"Hey," Rachel smiled at him.
"Hey," he grinned back.
"You're home."
Josh nodded, looking completely content with that idea of home, "I am."
Quinn shifted, garnering Rachel's attention. The smaller girl sat up and stretched while Quinn clambered to her feet.
"I should get going," Quinn cracked her back and shook out her arms.
"Tell Shawn I said good luck with his show. If you talk to him," Josh said carefully.
He watched the array of emotions flash across his girlfriend's face and the way the tips of Quinn's ears turned a little pink. He bit his lip before standing. He offered his hand to Quinn who cautiously shook it.
"Get home safe," Josh smiled.
Quinn nodded. Rachel hopped to her feet to hug her tightly.
"Thanks for today," Rachel smiled.
Quinn stepped out of Rachel's arms a little awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck.
"I'll see you guys later. "
Rachel frowned at Quinn's quick exit.
"That was weird, right? She was being weird," Rachel pouted.
Josh shrugged and pulled Rachel down into his lap in the chair. Her squeals of laughter echoed down the hallway as Quinn pulled the front door shut. He teased Rachel while she squirmed and laughed, trying to escape. They ended up chasing each other around the couch until finally Josh caught her and tossed her onto it. She collapsed on the couch- breathless but still laughing when Josh crawled on top of her. He smiled down at her and brushed her hair back from her eyes.
"You know I love you, right?" Josh whispered against her lips.
"I know," Rachel smiled softly.
Josh kissed her soundly. Rachel relaxed a little under his weight. He wasn't crushing her but he was protecting her from the rest of the world, if only for a moment. It felt nice to be needed and she knew he needed her.
"I saw Brittany today. I talked to Quinn a bit while you were sleeping…Rach, you can tell me things. I hate that your ex-boyfriend still makes you a little crazy. Really, it drives me insane. But I love you. I love you and I just wish you'd see yourself the way everybody else does. You don't need a fall back plan. You don't need some guy in Louisiana," Josh sighed.
"Louisiana became Georgia. He moved…according to Facebook."
"Okay but that's exactly the point, Rachel. Who cares where he lives? Who cares if his wife is having a baby? If you want a baby, we'll make a baby. If you want to get married…Rach, I want you. That's all I want. If that's not what you want…"
Rachel's eyebrows knit together. She felt a sudden panic. Josh's weight wasn't shielding her from the world anymore. It was crushing her, trapping her. He did need her- maybe he needed her too much. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She pushed lightly. Luckily he rolled off.
"Too much?" he asked, feigning carefree but looking like she had crushed him instead.
"I love you," Rachel smiled slightly, but it wavered.
Josh stood up. He was gutted. He was angry. He was putting on a brave face but he was hurt. Rachel sat up, waiting for the explosion.
"Do me a favor- call your dads when you miss them. If you miss your best friend, call her. I shouldn't have to call Quinn when you lock yourself in the bathroom. Just talk to me. If work is stressing you out, tell me. If you want to move out to live with Quinn again, tell me. If your ex-boyfriend knocked up his wife and somehow I insult you with the idea that your crazy mood swings might mean the same for you- just freaking tell me, Rachel. Tell me when there is shit going on in your life. Tell me that you hate Shawn. Tell me that you're insanely jealous. Tell me if there's somebody else because she'd-... just tell me, okay…tell me if you're done with this. Tell me if you want out. I tell you everything. I want to share things with you. When you shut me out, lock the bathroom door, and chuck your hairbrush at my head…quite frankly, it pisses me off. It makes me feel like you don't give a shit. Like all your problems are the biggest, most important things in the whole world. It's all so important but you can't let me in to be a part of it. If you don't want me to be a part…just tell me," Josh ranted, borderline begged.
"I'm sorry," Rachel squeaked.
"Yeah, because you love me," Josh snorted.
"Josh," Rachel sighed.
"Is this it? Is there anything here for me at all?"
Rachel swallowed thickly, eyes brimming with tears.
"You should probably call Quinn. She'll gladly let you stay with her. I think I need some space tonight," Josh shut his eyes as he leaned against the kitchen doorframe facing the living room.
When he opened his eyes again, they drooped with defeat. He silently walked to the bedroom and shut the door.
She knew the door was locked.
They were both ambitious. They both wanted to take over the world. Josh's career in LA was going nowhere. Rachel's was moving forward quickly. They were too similar. They were scared of failing. They were scared of failing in their careers and scared of failing each other. They had diva fits and stormed off to lock doors and cry alone-despite never wanting to feel lonely. At least Josh never threw things. That was Rachel's forte- hairbrushes, pillows, books, perfume bottles, and even once in college she launched a libretto at Kurt's head.
She let her past mistake- trying to force a doomed relationship to work- seep into the new one, bringing rot and decay into something that had once held the potential to be so good but now was tarnished. It was as if she was determined to carry her past around like baggage that had somehow become fused with her own arms. Suitcases stuffed full of the inability to let go when it wasn't working anymore. Josh was growing to resent her the way Jesse had before he turned back to Vocal Adrenaline…or Josh would force her to choose her career or their relationship as Finn had eventually done. She didn't want to be alone but she couldn't carry on this way with Josh forever. It was ending.
She loved Josh. She really did. Just as she had truly loved Finn once. Jesse hadn't really counted. Brody had been a mere distraction as well. Josh, though, they lived together. They made a home. It wasn't always perfect but she did love him. They could try to make it work. She could try to let him in more. She knew it wasn't going to happen. The honeymoon phase had long ended. It was time to put in the work. But she found she didn't want to. For the first time being alone didn't seem as scary as watching something that was once good turn to ruin.
It was time. It was terrifying but it was time.
She really hoped someday Quinn would be able to say 'I told you so'…at the moment, it seemed so far away.