A/N: I'm so sorry about the hiatus! School got me distracted for a while. This is as far as I've written, so it may be a while longer before I update again. But school's almost over, so hopefully summer will allow for some more writing to be done. Thanks for reading!
Fili lay on his bed, eyes closed, breathing in the comforting smell of home. He'd wanted to set out immediately in search of his son, but Dwalin had restrained him. "You've done enough searching for one day, lad," he'd said, tucking Fili into bed as if he were a small child again. "Rest. Wait for your brother to recover. We'll find Kazryk soon enough, don't you worry."
A thick knot of guilt built up in Fili's stomach, weighing him down. It was his fault Kazryk was gone, his fault Kili was hurt, his fault. Everything was his fault. He would never make a good king, he realized. He was too ignorant, too trusting. He'd blamed Balin for something that was his own mistake. He needed to grow up, take on the responsibility that was expected of him. He couldn't rely on scapegoats anymore. He was no longer a child.
Fili sighed, then got up and went to Kili's room. He stood quietly at the entrance, arms crossed, watching Gandalf smoking his pipe at the foot of his brother's bed, staring into the fire and muttering softly to himself. "How is he?" he asked after a while.
Gandalf started a bit, then turned and looked at Fili with a small smile on his face. "Recovering. Elenwen's spell hit him hard, but I'm sure he'll make it. He's not one to give up."
Fili laughed. "Indeed. Thank you, Gandalf. I don't know what we'd have done without you."
Gandalf nodded.
Fili's gaze returned to Kili. His prone figure lay still on his bed, but he was breathing steadily. "Thank you, again, Gandalf," he said, nodding to his friend. He turned and left the room, searching for Balin. He had an apology to make.
Fili found Balin checking on Thorin, making sure his wounds were healing properly. He waited outside the bedroom until the old healer was done and fell in step with him as he left. After a few moments, Fili broke the awkward silence. "Balin, I – I'm sorry. What I said to you last night – it – it wasn't –"
Balin held up a hand to stop him. "Don't worry, lad. I understand. With all that's been going on here… you were hit the hardest. You needed to take it out on someone. Don't blame yourself. You couldn't have known."
"No, but I could have been there for him. For Kili, for Kazryk. It's my job to protect them. I should have been there."
"Fili, you won't always be around for them. You have to accept that."
Fili's voice rose in anger. "No, but that's my son out there, Balin. You don't understand. How could you? You know nothing about being a father. Nothing!" His heart gave way to sorrow, and he collapsed against the wall, slowly sliding down into a sitting position as he clutched his head in his hands, weeping. "That's my son," he whispered, the tears openly running down his face as great, wrenching sobs shook him. "My son."
The last thing he remembered was Balin kneeling down beside him as he cried, putting a hand on his shoulder and speaking to him softly, comforting him. "He's out there somewhere, and we'll find him. No matter what it takes."