Hello readers - I finally found a bit of inspiration to finish this chapter, and I happily now offer you an update! I apologise for the delay, but all will be forgiven with the delivery of a new chapter, right? And you'll be so deleriously happy that you'll feel inspired, and even in some cases compelled to review, right?
Ah well, it was worth a shot...
Last left poor Sarah was in the middle of a tragic ordeal - let's see how it plays out...
And Severus was badly injured, will Poppy be able to get him well? And how will he cope with the knowledge of Sarah's tragedy...
Warning - undoubtedly bad grammar and punctuation ahead, wear your protective gear and a forgiving attitude... ;)
Chapter 7 – Remorse
Tonks came rushing into the bathroom a few minutes later, summoned urgently by Arthur Weasley who had pushed open the bathroom door; drawn by the sounds of Sarah's dramatic sobs, and discovered the disheartening scene.
The young Auror knelt next to the distraught, weeping Muggle woman; taking her into her arms.
"Madam Pomfrey will be here in a minute… shh..." she crooned, attempting to calm the hysterical woman. She looked down at the large amount of blood staining the woman's inner thighs and grimaced in commiseration. She admittedly didn't know much about pregnancy or miscarriages, but in her opinion simply the sheer volume of blood on the scene suggested things did not bode well for Sarah's unborn foetus.
Poppy would be held up for a few more moments trying to get Severus stable; the Order's spy had been gruesomely sliced open across his chest and stomach, and consequently had lost a great deal of blood… he was in danger of permanent damage to his vital organs if the bleeding continued; the Matron had told Tonks.
Madam Pomfrey had managed to dose the man with a measure of Blood-Replenisher but was still working on closing the extensive wound when Arthur had begun calling for help from the hallway. Despite the apparent urgency of the new drama, Poppy had not felt she could leave the wounded man's side just yet; sending the younger witch to assist Mr Weasley instead.
Tonks looked up hopelessly at Arthur, her own tears beginning to prick behind her eyes; summoned unbidden by the sound of the other woman's distress.
"I think we should try to get her into the ward," he suggested, moving to physically lift Sarah from the ground.
Tonks nodded, relinquishing her embrace and assisting to lift the Muggle woman into Arthur's arms. He carried her with care down the stone hall and through the double doors; resting her gently onto a bed opposite from where Poppy was still working on Severus.
"What is it… what's happened?" Poppy questioned, barely looking up from her patient.
Tonks, looking pained, crossed over to her and spoke with quiet urgency to the Matron.
"She was pregnant… I think she may have just lost her baby," she said, her voice quivering slightly whilst relaying the devastating news.
Poppy's head shot up, staring with astounded astonishment at the young, pink haired Auror. Her gaze slipped over to the woman on the bed opposite being consoled by Arthur Weasley, taking note of the presence of the large amount of blood announcing the probable tragedy.
"Oh no…" she whispered quietly, shaking her head; a worried frown furrowing her brow.
"Is there any chance…" Tonks asked, not quite being able to put into words her hope for the pregnancy.
Madam Pomfrey swallowed. "I can't say… not without a spell," she replied cautiously, having been trained not to raise false hopes, especially when circumstances looked bleak - like now.
"Close the curtains around her bed, I'll be there as quick as I can," she told her two assistants, turning her attention back to the wounded man to finalise this initial phase of treatment as best she could for the time being.
Madam Pomfrey definitely felt under pressure, Severus needed her attention and focus along with her skills to get him out of trouble… but it was clear there was another disaster unfolding which required the Matron's expertise immediately and urgently.
As soon as she felt satisfied with Severus Snape's condition, Poppy crossed the ward and disappeared behind the curtain.
"What's her name?" she asked gently of Tonks.
"Sarah," the young witch supplied softly with a small saddened smile.
Poppy nodded. "Why don't you go and keep an eye on Severus for me," she suggested, gesturing with her chin in the direction of the injured man's bed.
Tonks nodded and left the curtained area.
By now the Muggle woman had calmed down a little and a recurring hitch in her breath and occasional sniff was the only evidence of her great distress. She was still clinging to Arthur Weasley with her face buried in his shoulder.
"Sarah… let me check you over sweetheart," Poppy offered gently, laying a comforting hand over the woman's arm. The woman rolled toward her slightly and Poppy sent her a small encouraging smile. "That's it love… let me see…"
S.S
When the Matron emerged from the curtain over twenty minutes later she locked her gaze with the young Auror sitting beside the Potions Master's bed.
"How is she… did her… I mean, has it…?" Tonks started, standing up, not really sure how to phrase what she wanted to know. She sighed shortly and bit her lip in anxious anticipation.
Poppy held the young woman's gaze before she let out a short, disheartened sigh of her own and shook her head from side to side slightly. A grim expression supported the negative diagnosis.
"Oh no," Tonks unconsciously echoed, screwing her features in sorrow and covering her mouth with a hand.
"I have given Sarah a Calming draft; though she refused to take a sleeping potion… nevertheless she seems to be resting for the moment anyway, the poor dear," Poppy explained. "Arthur has gone to see if Albus has arrived yet," she added.
After a short pause and glance back at the curtained hospital bed, the Matron asked, "Sarah is a Muggle… why was she not taken to a Muggle hospital?"
Tonks gave it a moment of thought. "Professor Dumbledore just said she was to go with Snape… and we didn't realise until we were nearly here that she needed a healer." Tonks looked down at Snape lying motionless on the bed. "We judged that Severus needed you more urgently though… I didn't know-"
"You aren't to blame, Nymphadora," Poppy insisted gently, consoling the upset young woman, "besides; I greatly suspect it would already have been too late by the time you all arrived here, even if I'd seen to her first."
Poppy too gazed down at the unconscious wizard. "Was the child Severus'?" she asked, curious and more than mildly surprised at the idea.
"Well, that's what we thought initially too, but actually Sarah made it clear that he wasn't the father… apparently they only met earlier this evening… well, yesterday evening, I suppose," Tonks said, taking note of the time. "The story goes that Severus collided with her when he was fleeing You-Know-Wh-" Tonks ceased her explanation abruptly, realising belatedly just what she was revealing to Madam Pomfrey, who was not a member of the Order of the Phoenix.
The Matron, however, was no fool. Although not an official member of the Order, she was well aware of its existence and what they stood for. She obviously knew the identity of several members as well, as this was not the first time she had been requested by Dumbledore to provide medical assistance for a desperate, injured member of the movement. She did so gladly and discreetly for the Headmaster, solidifying his trust in her.
The reason she had not become an official member stemmed from her dedication to her role as Matron at Hogwart's infirmary, and not a lack of desire or a fear of joining an organisation that opposed the monstrous threat Lord Voldemort presented. Poppy Pomfrey believed her professional dedication to all students, whichever side of the fence their families fell in this war, was best served from a publically neutral standpoint. Her determination to make a difference in this manner was unwavering… with the only exception being times like this when Dumbledore needed a healer urgently and discreetly.
Therefore she did not question, react or allude to the glaringly obvious clandestine affairs of the Order or its apparent members when presented in front of her – most recently the discovery of Severus Snape's involvement in particular.
Poppy had always vaguely suspected the brusque, mysterious man hid a very surreptitious agenda behind his dark persona, and although she had no idea what it could be, Poppy assumed Albus, as Headmaster, tolerated the inscrutability and attitude for a reason. Incredibly he seemed to trust the dark man despite Professor Snape's unsavoury facade and his often provocatively observable inclinations toward the dark side. Tonight was Poppy's first confirmation that Severus Snape was in fact aligned (at least) with the Order, and it appeared he might just have been playing a deceiving role all these years. It was more than intriguing, and to be honest quite astounding, but Poppy would stay true to form and not say a word.
"Ah…" Poppy intoned, piecing the details together, "yes, she has a few bruises that would support that… I did wonder. So… perhaps he feels… responsible for her then?" the Matron suggested.
"Hmm… maybe," Tonks agreed.
"Mmm, well if that's the case its possible Severus might feel a sense of culpability for what's happened… whether he has earned it or not."
The reality of that supposition rendered both witches silent, for if it were correct then Severus too would find it devastating that the child had been lost even though it was not his own child. He might feel tremendous guilt or anger over the loss if in fact he had been the cause of the reported collision.
"Well, I've more work to do on him, he's not entirely out of danger yet… let's get to it," Poppy commanded, and Tonks straightened her back readying herself for the task of assistant.
..
Sarah woke from her fitful slumber quite disoriented. She lay still, shaking slightly whilst she surveyed what she could see of the room (mainly the high, vaulted ceiling and curtain surrounding her bed) as awful memories came back to her one by one. And then she knew, she was in some kind of hospital bed and she had lost her baby.
She almost let tears overcome her again, but fought the sadness and managed to fend them off. It was done, couldn't be changed… and to some extent she (sickeningly) recalled not really wanting the child to begin with; so what was the point in dwelling. Burning guilt swirled in her stomach and she hated herself. She was awful.
Sarah sat up and twisted herself to swing her legs off the edge of the bed. She had a pressing need to use the toilet… and she had to find it first.
As she pushed herself to her feet she noticed the unfamiliar nightgown she was now wearing; she didn't even remember changing. As she emerged from the curtain she immediately saw the bathroom at the end of the long room to her right and made her way quickly through the small door. After using the facilities she washed her hands and again found herself gazing at her reflection in the mirror. It was then that she realised her skin and hair was clean and free from the dirt and blood that had made her look so wretched the last time she had looked upon herself. She didn't remember having a shower… because she hadn't. Come to think of it, there was an unusual absence of loss… she'd have expected to still be bleeding at least a little. And suddenly the most astounding memories of the previous evening slammed into her, forcing themselves to be acknowledged.
The existence and proof of magic…
At that moment she recalled that she was at Hogwarts… a school for magical children; a castle… she was inside the castle.
And Severus… she'd been brought with the strange man – a wizard – who had knocked her over and then taken her along with him to a house in Surrey. And he'd been hurt; badly… it had been his blood all over her.
'Where is he… is he alright?' she thought wildly, and immediately wiped her hands dry against her thighs and rushed out the door.
Her gaze immediately identified the curtained bed she'd just vacated and then slid to another curtained area across the room. That must have been the bed she'd seen him placed on when they'd first arrived… and she just now remembered how scared she'd felt for his survival.
'Oh, God… let him still be alive… please!' she begged silently.
Sarah swiftly moved to the curtain and pushed the sheet aside. He was there, lying still and flat upon the mattress. He didn't look dead, but she couldn't immediately see any signs of life either. Needing to know for sure she quickly approached the bed.
"Severus?" she whispered, but did not receive a response.
He was very pale still, and his long, shiny, black hair stood out in stark contrast to his complexion; making him appear even more ghostly. He was freshened up too, Sarah noticed; his skin clean and his torn, dark coat, cloak and white shirt absent entirely, with only thick, clean, white bandages covering his entire torso. The blanket covered him up to his hips, but Sarah imagined soft pyjama bottoms had replaced the dark trousers beneath the covers.
Very reluctantly, for fear of feeling his skin unnaturally icy, Sarah reached out a hand and placed it on the top of his chest, just above the bandage; pleading to feel his chest rise and fall as she had back in the car.
With her hand still one centimetre from his skin she thankfully felt his body's warmth radiate up and she swiftly lowered her hand to his chest where she immediately felt him take a soft, yet full breath.
"Oh, thank goodness," she whispered, almost with a sob. "Severus?" she repeated, sliding her hand up to cup his neck before adding another hand to gently rub his opposite shoulder.
"He's in an induced sleep," a voice suddenly spoke from behind Sarah, causing her to jump and step away from the unconscious man. "He won't wake up without the counter spell," the female voice continued to explain.
Sarah looked from Severus to the Matron standing at the gap in the curtain.
"Is he okay?" she asked, wanting to feel assured.
"He will be… I've induced sleep so his body can heal as quickly and efficiently as possible." The Medi-witch slipped passed her and set down a large jar on the bedside cabinet.
"Oh..." Sarah said, gleaming an understanding. She glanced back at Severus silently thanking the heavens for answering her plea.
"And how are you feeling?" the Matron asked.
Sarah glanced once again to the older woman. "I'm okay… just a bit sad," she admitted.
The Matron nodded. "I'm sorry there wasn't anything I could do."
Sarah just nodded sadly, acknowledging the witch's efforts anyway despite the lack of success.
"Why don't you hop back into bed… I'd like you to get a bit more rest before someone takes you home," Madam Pomfrey said, her tone indicating more of a directive than a suggestion. "I'll come and have a little talk in several minutes, okay?"
With another glance at Severus' prone figure Sarah nodded and returned to her own curtained area – but she did not climb onto the bed; she had a strong suspicion the Matron was about to re-awaken Severus for further treatment, and she wanted to see for herself that he was okay.
She waited a couple of minutes before creeping back to the split in Severus' curtain.
Sarah heard a low moan come from the man on the bed.
"Easy, Severus… breathe," the Medi-witch directed. "Good lad… now, take a dose of Pain-Reliever… that's it… good."
"Yes… yes, you're at Hogwarts."
"Right… now let me see this wound…"
Sarah immediately decided she did not need to witness this after all and made her way quickly back to her bed to wait for the Medi-witch to visit her.
..
Once the potion had taken effect Severus felt considerably less discomfort whilst breathing. He could see the red scar that ran across and down his torso once the Medi-witch had removed the bandage. He felt a slight shudder run through him at the thought of the severity of the injury; surprised that he'd managed to escape and evade the hunting Death Eaters and had continued to try to evacuate the boy from his home whilst afflicted.
"Potter…?" he queried with concern in response to his train of thought.
"I'm told is with the Headmaster… safe and sound," Poppy answered briskly. "I'll let him know you are awake when I am finished here."
Madam Pomfrey reached for the glass jar she'd deposited earlier and began to apply the brew to the entire length of tender scar.
"Dittany for a curse scar such as this, Severus… I have identified the signs correctly haven't I?" Poppy queried with a small smirk.
Surprised the woman had recalled something he'd explained to her about an obscure curse and its treatment a couple of years ago Severus could only nod his agreement, dumbfounded. He'd become engaged in such a conversation with the Matron over the holiday break the Christmas after the return of the Dark Lord… he must have had a few too many Eggnogs under his belt to hint to anyone a probable return of nasty curses in the coming year; subsequently describing one and relating its cure. This was why he rarely drank more than one alcoholic beverage in a sitting… the most vital of his secrets could be betrayed by a simple, seemingly innocent comment when his guard was down – he could kick himself for his foolishness!
Of course, he was supremely thankful the Medi-witch had known how to cure him… as, try as he might, he couldn't actually remember any happenings from soon after Dumbledore had burst through the door of Potter's house in Surrey, and therefore assumed he could not have lent advice on his own treatment. He might very well have suffered fatal damage from blood loss before anyone devised an effective treatment – Blood-Replenisher or not.
As if his own train of thought prompted the Medi-witch, she finished applying the poultice and handed him a phial filled with blue liquid, shortly followed by two more, one yellow and one orange. She then directed her wand to wrap his torso wound in fresh bandages once more.
"The yellow for the infection and a Tissue-Regeneration draught," Poppy supplied as she caught him gazing questioningly at the phials trying to identify the contents. "And of course you would have recognised the Blood-Replenisher," she said nonchalantly indicating the empty phial in his other hand.
He nodded, but could not help himself but question her. "Infection?" he asked, curious as to how badly he'd been affected.
"Yes… despite your attempts with Muggle methods. It did help though, I suppose."
'Muggle methods..?' he thought confusedly. 'Muggle…?" And abruptly he remembered his Muggle female companion… and the woman's dilemma.
"Sarah… where is she? She's pregnant… there was blood," he blurted out, suddenly flustered and anxious. Poppy attempted to calm him immediately.
"Shh, shh, shh… she's across the room resting, Severus… quiet now," she insisted, taking hold of his arm.
At her command he was listening intently; breathing quickly, his stomach weighed down with apprehensive dread.
"Listen," she said, pointlessly, "by the time Sarah was brought to me it was already too late. I'm sorry, but there was nothing I could do… the baby was lost… I'm sorry."
Severus felt as though all the air in his lungs were instantly sucked out. He couldn't breathe, his chest was tight and his stomach swooped in shock. He felt dazed and he searched Poppy Pomfrey's face for signs of doubt… for anything he could base hope on; but he found nothing.
His shock turned instantly to an ache that morphed quickly to anger… anger at himself for not paying attention to where he had been running; for not checking the woman over properly immediately after their fall; fury for not taking her situation seriously or urgently enough when he had found out; shame and rage and regret for not feeling the life of an unborn child was worthy of distracting him from his mission; anger and resentment at her for not demanding and stamping her feet that he help her!
Why had she even been there in the first place? She had no business being there!
Why had she not said anything? Why had she not put her baby first?
Why was this tragedy his to deal with at all? Hadn't he enough on his shoulders?
Severus was so furious… and he gripped hard to the emotion, afraid that if he allowed it to wane his true feelings of guilt for being responsible for this calamity might overwhelm him.
"Sarah will recover though, she'll be fine in a few days," Poppy added, thinking this might jolt the visibly shaken man from his shock.
"She shouldn't have even been there," Severus growled sharply, averting his gaze to glare at the curtain in front of him. In reality he was imagining the sobbing woman in the bed across the other side of the room.
"I don't think she blames you, Severus," Poppy tried to reason; attempting to work out what she was really witnessing. Surely the man wasn't truly angry with the woman who had just lost her unborn child.
"Just leave me alone," he said, not even attempting to keep his tone civil. His hands were beginning to shake a little.
Taken aback by the unexpected venom to his tone Poppy hesitated a moment before stepping closer again to soothe him.
"Severus… I can get you a calming drau-"
"NO!" he roared, cutting her off. He didn't want a calming draught… he didn't want to calm down. He just wanted to be left alone!
He abruptly struggled to a sitting position and swung his legs off the side of the hospital bed. With Poppy protesting and pleading for him to be reasonable he wrenched open the small drawer under the bedside table and snatched up his wand he had hoped was waiting within.
He stomped away from the bedside with as much defiance and grace as his injured body would allow him, held up momentarily by the rebellious curtain that refused to be parted until he pointed his wand at it and slashed the sheet apart.
"Well, don't go too far," Poppy called out once more when he continued to ignore reason.
He snorted incredulously and wrapped an arm around his bandaged torso which was beginning to protest at the exertion.
As he passed by the opposite bed he looked up and saw the curtain open about a foot and as he focused further he locked eyes with the Muggle woman who appeared alarmed at the commotion. He wrenched his gaze away and stormed out the infirmary doors tormented further by the paradox of emotions her tragedy had sparked in him.
Severus walked with increasing fatigue and soreness for several minutes until he'd reached the opposite side of the castle and had ascended three floors. His hands were shaking visibly, sweat was beading upon his forehead, his legs felt weak, and he was just conceding that this may not have been the smartest of ideas when he stumbled with his last step; crashing down onto his knees, the last vestiges of his anger leaching from him.
With the absence of anger, Severus was left only guilt and remorse and his physical suffering left him no energy to deny it.
He'd killed a child… an innocent, pure, tiny, unborn infant!
And he could barely comprehend how devastated the notion made him feel. Sobs broke through his restraint and shuddered through his paining chest and stomach. But somehow the pain felt right, as if it was a punishment well deserved. His hand reached up and covered his eyes as the tears finally flowed. He had no more honour to guard… his soul had been torn and stained beyond his recognition; and now the final unblemished part of him had ultimately been tainted by his blackened core.
In all the days he legitimately sought power and prestige with the dark side… he'd never wanted this!