Okay, the experiment has ended... and from here on in if you would like to continue reading this fic you will find updates at my original account "misundersnape", the fic will continue under the same name. So far I have only uploaded the one chapter, and will be adding them gradually until it is caught up.
Yes, to those who'd thought the fic had been stolen, it is me... so don't panic.
After a few months I will delete this account.
As a peace offering I have uploaded what has been written of the next chapter... do enjoy even though it is not complete. As always I will appreciate your reviews, however more important to me will be that each of you following the fic receive notices of when it has been updated, so please go alert it over at my misundersnape account.
Thanks...
theparadoxofsnape... aka misundersnape...
:D
(Don't kill me! *shields self from flying objects/spells*)
Chapter 8 – Not Your Fault
A further twenty minutes went by before someone found him, sitting and leaning a shoulder heavily against the cold, stone wall in the darkened corridor. He still only wore the infirmary pyjama pants and the thick bandages around his torso; and he was shaking mildly from cool air and cold stone.
Albus crouched down to his level and clasped him gently by his bare shoulder.
"Severus… come back to where you can be cared for; you're still not well, my boy. What happened was not your fault… no-one blames you," he assured the injured man.
Severus looked up at his employer. "I blame me," Severus corrected, but he appeared slightly dazed to the Headmaster.
"It was nothing more than a tragic accident… you did nothing purposeful to cause it; you cannot blame yourself," Dumbledore insisted more forcefully. "And you will see this when you are feeling better and thinking more clearly," he added firmly.
"But you don't understand… a child, a baby… I never wanted…"
"Oh, but I do understand, Severus. I do," Dumbledore interrupted with conviction. "You're struggling with your part in this tragedy, and you have come to the erroneous conclusion that the death of Sarah's child was down to you… and that somehow it has marked you inside… marked your character, further tainted your essence." The Headmaster sighed lightly and shuffled slightly closer to the troubled man, sliding his hand from Severus' shoulder to lie flat across his chest above his heart.
"But you see, the earlier damage you perceive to your soul…" the Headmaster continued with a light pat to the younger man's chest, "… well, I won't pretend you have committed no sin, but the damage… well, it's not nearly as severe as you might have imagined. You see, despite your faults, Severus, your spirit is light, chivalrous and charitable in nature and I shall explain how I can be sure of this; for if it was even half as sinister as you believe you could not possibly feel the amount of sorrow or devastation as you obviously do now… it just wouldn't be in you."
Severus' eyes shot up to the Headmaster's, trying hard to determine whether the old man was sprouting bollocks designed merely to placate him, or not.
After several moments not being able to find fault with the logic he finally lowered his chin, feeling quite stricken with the Headmaster's quite complimentary and consoling suggestion.
Albus let a small, satisfied smile stretch his lips. "You take too much to heart, my boy; and I suspect you always have and always will."
Severus snorted softly in dismissal, but this did not mean he hadn't absorbed what the old wizard had said.
"I don't feel well," Severus simply stated, swallowing thickly. He did indeed feel quite poorly, though it was the lack of knowing how to respond to such compassionate encouragement that made him make the innocuous statement instead.
Dumbledore smirked in amusement, returning his hand to the younger man's shoulder. "No… I don't imagine you do. You did not take all your medicine before you stormed off, so Poppy informed me. And nor did she have the opportunity to finish her examination; and I can tell from just looking at you that Poppy would find something to treat. At any rate, sitting on a cold, stone floor barely dressed will not be helping matters. Let me help you up."
After a heavy sigh Severus nodded his agreement and after a small struggle the dark man was standing shakily beside his employer. Dumbledore promptly guided him back to the infirmary and into his bed; where an awkward and embarrassing number of witnesses quickly dispersed at his pointed glare.
Madam Pomfrey swiftly concluded the remainder of her examination and ensured he swallowed the doses of potions she had measured for him earlier, plus a Fever Reducer following the clicking her tongue in consternation after she had cupped her hand briefly across his forehead.
Severus refused to let her put him into another induced sleep; to be rendered that vulnerable after his recently discovered betrayal of the Death Eaters made him exceedingly nervous. Instead, after Madam Pomfrey had ended her fussing, Severus lay propped on pillows resting his eyes and waiting for Dumbledore's inevitable chat to determine just how the spy's loyalties had been exposed.
He opened his eyes and turned his head when he heard someone sit in the chair beside his bed.
"I remember now that you did try to inform me of Sarah's worsening condition, Severus," Dumbledore was explaining, "though it pains me to admit I did not fully understand your warning. And Sarah herself, I believe, was caught up in her concern for you at the time. You were, after all, in quite a bad way."
Apart from glancing from Dumbledore's gaze to the direction of Sarah's bed beyond the curtain Severus did not respond. He would probably continue to struggle over his feelings about the tragedy of the previous evening for quite some time despite Albus' words of wisdom. And whilst he remained feeling low physically no doubt his conscience would continue to find itself a convenient and easy target.
Consequently, he no longer wanted to talk about this, the topic was causing his anguish to resurface, so he skilfully redirected the subject.
"Sarah had the potion on her; though of course it was incomplete… I trust you retrieved it."
Recognising the rebuff of the line of conversation Dumbledore smiled gently and acquiesced. "Yes, I have it," he declared. "What happened… what went wrong?" he asked, agreeing it was time to get into this issue more directly.
Severus huffed a sigh. "The formula was getting dangerously close to what I perceived to be viable. I was worried I might not have an opportunity to warn the Order to get the boy out in time. All in all I suppose I panicked."
He glanced at the Headmaster and found him intently listening, so continued.
"I intended to leave for merely minutes; enough time to get word to the Order to start taking precautions, but I was barely out of the building before I was discovered missing and my assistant bound."
Dumbledore was nodding in understanding. "It was perhaps a mistake not to simply make some excuse instead of restrain your assistant, then?" he suggested mildly.
Severus agreed with a nod. "Yes… with hindsight. I had hoped to give the impression of never having been absent, though," Severus defended. "I was not expecting anyone to interrupt us through the procedure; the Dark Lord himself insisted the recipe be completed without disruption. I couldn't tell you the purpose of the one who found Alecto incapacitated… even now," he admitted.
"Hmm…" Dumbledore intoned, "perhaps a message bearing an alteration to the formula?" he suggested thoughtfully.
Severus shrugged. He conceded it might have been a possibility.
"I was half-way to the Manor gates when I heard them raise the alarm. It was soon after that that I collided with Sarah; I did not see her immediately for the fog."
Dumbledore's expression became clouded with calculated suspicion. "Sarah was inside the Manor grounds?" he asked.
"Yes," Severus confirmed with a nod, "but I'd already summoned the gates to open… she could have simply been loitering outside the drive. She claimed her car had run out of petrol… er, fuel," he explained.
"She was there by coincidence?" the older wizard queried.
"Um… of that I am not sure," Severus confessed. "We never had an opportunity to finish the conversation I'd begun concerning why she'd been there. Er… she did say she'd been searching for someone," he recalled suddenly.
"Anybody we know?" Dumbledore queried.
"I don't know… from what I remember she did not get a chance to mention a name."
After a thoughtful pause Dumbledore nodded. "Hmm… I shall direct these queries to Sarah myself then… later," he said, and then regarded Severus curiously for a few silent moments.
"And how did you come about your injury…?"
Severus swallowed and ducked his head, embarrassment sweeping over him and colouring his cheeks.
"Again, my own ineptitude," he admitted shamefully. "I was distracted in ensuring Sarah had time to escape the scene… I was caught off guard and hit with a timely curse cast from someone within the gates before I managed to get them closed and warded."
"Ah…" Dumbledore responded, nodding. "And yet it is but more proof of that chivalrous and charitable nature within you, my boy. Throwing yourself in front of the proverbial bullet for a lady… not at all anything to feel ashamed about," he assured with a cheeky grin and a small wink from his twinkling eye.
Severus was too astounded by the older wizard's both highly inappropriate, yet largely complimentary comment to respond in any way but prevent his jaw from dropping to the floor.
"Nevertheless… it would be highly advantageous to remain whole and healthy for the duration of any future tasks… may I perhaps suggest a mite less chivalry?" the Headmaster continued to joke, chuckling softly.
Still incredulous of the old man's impertinence and seemingly flippant disregard for last evenings' trial, Severus answered, "Yes… quite. I shall take it under advisement."
Aware of the young man's lack of humour for his jokes, Albus sobered himself.
"You need your rest. Is there anything else you feel I should be made aware of immediately?" he asked.
Don't forget to alert over at my other account - misundersnape.