In chapter 21 I let Hréonhes stab Merlin, for real. This chapter title really says it all.
What follows now is a mosaic of scenes of how the different characters deal with the aftermath. I hope it's not too confusing.
Chapter 22: Sorrow
Arthur kept his gaze firmly fixed on the orb of light. He was vaguely aware of others doing the same due to the increase of murmurs and gasps around him. The light shuddered again darkening the street and the surrounding houses for a second. Arthur held his breath trying to refrain from blinking altogether. But it had no effect, slowly the light became weaker and weaker. It was fading now and all of a sudden it was gone, leaving Camelot a darker place than it was.
A sudden feeling of great dread and urgency grasped Arthur's heart and with an almost panicked shout the king urged his horse forward to the castle. Nah, Merlin was okay, he told himself not really seeing where he was going. I mean he just conjured some useless light in the middle of a siege. That sounded like something only Merlin would do. He's all right and when I find him he'll cringe under the lecture I'll prepare just for him about the appropriateness of festive lights during a siege. I mean, who does that?
Even so that gut wrenching feeling wouldn't go away.
Horse and rider thundered across the drawbridge and before his mare stopped Arthur had already jumped off. He thrust the reins into someone's hands and ran up the stairs skipping two even three steps at a time.
"Gwaine, any idea where my idiotic manservant is?" Arthur asked almost bumping into the knight as he hopped down the stairs to the vaults. Gwaine's pale face however froze him midstride.
"Arthur, something's very wrong. Galahad..." He started gravely before pausing.
"Gwaine, what is it?"Arthur grabbed Gwaine's arm alarmed. A million different scenarios played out in his head after hearing those words. And then Gwaine said Merlin's name and Arthur only tightened his grip more.
"Merlin locked him up in the vaults, but he could feel what was happening and..." Gwaine croaked and looked down at his boots.
"Gwaine, what has happened?" Arthur insisted almost angrily because the feeling in his gut was rising to new heights.
"He..." Gwaine swallowed hard and finally made eye contact, "Galahad says he can't feel him anymore." The knight did have to explain who exactly he meant.
"What?" The king uttered bewildered. He looked back and forth the hallway but it obviously held no clues so he added urgently, "Where is he?"
"The Northwest tower-" Gwaine started but the king had already ran off, "Arthur, wait, Hréonhes could still be here!"
Arthur ran, because if he got there fast enough Merlin would be just fine, you'll see… The journey through the castle was long, too long. Every corridor he entered was crowded with people. He grumbled remembering it was him who ordered all these people in here. As he narrowly missed another candelabrum, he cursed loudly shocking nearby mothers. Arthur didn't stay around to watch it crash to the floor. Frankly at the moment they could all disappear into thin air. All he cared about now was reaching that tower in time. Gwaine was close behind him at first, yelling him to slow down. But that wasn't an option and after slipping into a less known passageway, those shouts died down.
When he reached the correct corridor he saw that the door leading up to the tower was slightly ajar. Arthur pushed it open completely and stopped abruptly as he was met by complete darkness. Hurriedly he grabbed one of the torches in the hallway and ran up. The flickering light seemed small and pitiful in comparison to the orb earlier in the streets of the city. When he almost reached the top of the stairs Arthur stumbled. He looked down and recognized the satchel Merlin sometimes carried with him when he needed to collect herbs for Gaius. Not lingering to ponder its presence Arthur drew back the bolt of the trapdoor and pushed it up.
"Arthur!" Gwaine yelled from below. The knight had entered the tower as well and was running up the stairs. Arthur however didn't spare a backward glance and opened the trapdoor completely. It clattered against the battlements. At first the king didn't see anything amiss. Then he turned around.
Arthur's breath hitched. His strength wavered making him drop the torch on the floor as his numb fingers forgot what they were meant to do. Arthur stood there for a moment frozen in time. His eyes were deceiving him. He was asleep, drugged, under a spell, anything that could explain the sight before him as fiction.
"Merlin..." He croaked scaring himself with how broken he sounded. His own whisper woke him out of his stupor and Arthur stumbled forward falling down on his knees next to his friend's prone body. In the middle of the tower Merlin was lying on his back, eyes closed and still. One arm was stretched out to his side as if he was reaching out for something. Another hand was resting on top of his chest. Arthur wished he could pretend the warlock was only sleeping. If only Merlin's chest moved. If only there wasn't so much blood.
"Merlin..." Arthur whispered again and reached out to touch his friend's neck. "Don't you dare do this."
No pulse, Arthur could only feel his own heartbeat. He clasped his mouth choking down a sob behind his hand. Something was twisting inside of him. It hurt, it physically hurt. Please let this be a trick...
"Queen Annis, your people they..." Percival trailed off. He had burst into their rooms out of haste, not even bothering with knocking, but he hadn't expected the sight in front of him. The queen was lying peacefully on her bed. Even from his position in the doorway Percival could see she wasn't breathing. The knight didn't know what to say.
The Prince was standing at the end of her bed as if he'd been waiting. He was wearing the colours of Caerleon like Sir Brickem and a blue cloak. A sword was hanging off his side. The boy's eyes were red as if he just stopped crying, but now he looked determined, older and even a bit cold.
"Sir Percival," the other knight spoke, "What can we do for you?" Percival shook his head briefly to process what this all meant and then addressed them both formally.
"Sir Brickem, Your Highness," The tall knight bowed and caused a sad smile to appear on the Prince's face, "The curse has been broken and your people need your reassurance."
"Lead the way, Sir Percival, I'm ready." Lothian spoke clearly. With a last look on his aunt he took a deep breath and briskly followed the two knights out of the door. He could do this, he had to.
"Gwaine," Arthur turned his head and looked at the man sitting next to him. He hadn't heard the knight arrive nor had he noticed when Gwaine had sunk down next to him. Honestly at the moment Arthur was having difficulties with figuring out how long he had sat here himself, just numbly staring at the horror in front of him.
"Gwaine," Arthur repeated and waited for the knight to acknowledge him. When he did Arthur saw his eyes were filled with unshed tears. "Can you get some men and a stretcher, please. We can't leave him here, lying..." His voice faltered, thankfully Gwaine nodded probably not trusting his own voice at the moment. The knight got up and for a second squeezed Arthur's shoulder before he left.
A sharp intake of air disrupted the silence. Arthur shuddered and trembled as he gently placed Merlin's other hand on top of the other.
"You can't do this, you know." Arthur whispered into the night air, "You just can't..." He rubbed his eyes, not caring if the blood on his hands mixed with his tears. He couldn't say another word. Not that it mattered, nothing mattered. He just sat there leaning back on his calves waiting and listening. He could hear the city below him. He could hear the confusion, the elation, the fear, the panic and the mirth. He could hear everything and wished he didn't. There would be so many questions and there was so much he didn't know. Why had Merlin been up here? Where was Hréonhes? Did Merlin do something before he...?
Or was it all over? Not just the battle, but their shared dreams, the promised long talks, the long sought after future?
How could he do this? How could he go on in a couple of minutes and fulfil everyone's expectations of him?
Merlin, it's impossible, he thought defeated.
Arthur, you're the true King of Camelot.
Typical, Arthur thought as he let out a shaky breath and shook his head. He could still hear Merlin inside his mind. Even now his manservant wouldn't shut up. Arthur looked up at the stars. He remembered that day, that moment and couldn't for the love of Camelot understand why he was remembering that right now. It only made this all the more painful. Merlin had told him that when Arthur was doubting himself. His friend had looked so calm and confident when he had said that. It had been easy to believe it as the truth.
Arthur looked back down at his friend.
Nothing not even this stone can stand in your way.
"It's not the same, Merlin..." He whispered, but he would try. He could do this. He could pick himself up and hold himself together. He could be strong for the others. And only when all the real and metaphorical fires were quenched so to speak, he'll allow himself time.
"Gwaine! Getting him drunk won't help him!" Lauren entered the vaults and witnessed how Gwaine dangled a bottle in front of an unresponsive Galahad. The young knight was sitting at the far side of the vault and just stared at the door in front of him. For a moment Lauren thought he was staring at her but as she moved closer his eyes seemed to pierce straight through her.
"Oh, and what would you have me do?" Gwaine grumbled clearly frustrated by whatever was going on. Lauren glared at him and kneeled down so she was sitting in front of Galahad. She was awfully worried. The castle was bustling with rumours. The curse was broken, the siege was stopped, magic blessed Camelot again, the King is at the Wall, Queen Annis died... But it was the rumour that Merlin had been hurt that had gotten her attention and Lauren had looked around for one of the knights. When she spotted Gwaine hurrying in and out of the kitchen pantry with a respectable amount of wine bottles cradled in his arms she naturally followed him. And from the moment she had stepped into the vaults Galahad hadn't moved or spoken.
"He's been like this since when?"
"I'm not sure, he moved out of the way when we used an axe to bring down the door." Gwaine ran a hand through his hair. The handmaiden was puzzled for a second, but she would get the full story later. Right now she was more worried about Galahad's lack of response.
"Galahad," Lauren spoke firmly, "snap out of it."
"I tried that already." Gwaine commented and uncorked a bottle with his teeth. He brought the bottle to his mouth and took a couple of gulps. Then he sagged down next to the young knight and leaned his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes and took another sip. Lauren looked at him disapprovingly as she snapped her fingers in front of Galahad's emotionless face. She even tapped his cheek, but the druid remained still.
"Don't judge, not now." Gwaine suddenly said. He looked absolutely devastated and Lauren gazed downwards in shame. Indeed, what right did she have to judge? "He's gone you know, not just hurt, but gone..." The knight trailed off again and paused resting the bottle against his chin. "I know I should..." He lifted his hand and waved above his head pointing to the rest of the castle, "...help, but..." He ended with a defeated shrug.
Lauren grasped his hand and squeezed, "You're doing fine for now, Gwaine." She said with a encouraging smile as she fought hard not to cry. She had understood Gwaine's vague words. Inwardly she cursed, this was bad. Merlin's death... It was even hard just to think those words... It would devastate everyone, but it could completely destroy those closest to him.
"He spoke, but he was in pain." Gwaine nudged his head in Galahad's direction, "I could hear it. But then I ran off and ended up chasing Arthur through the castle and then up, up, up to the tower top-"
"Take a breath, Gwaine." Lauren interrupted. It wouldn't do to have two knights down here in shock.
"There was so much blood," Gwaine rubbed his eyes trying to erase that image, "...and Arthur just sat there, much like Galahad, but then he told me to get help-"
"Another breath now." Lauren interrupted again. The knight did as he was told and also took another swig. "I got help, but I didn't go up again. I couldn't. I just stood there cowardly in the corridor and waited. Someone had laid a cloak on top of him. It covered him up like a blanket, he just looked asleep..."
Lauren didn't bother fighting her tears now. The fact that Gwaine, one of the strongest and most cheerful men she knew, had broken down in front of her, pushed her over the edge as well. She almost jumped up in surprise when someone gentle brushed away her tears.
"Galahad!" She exclaimed loudly in turn surprising the young knight who just realised what he had been doing. "Sorry." He stammered and pulled back his hand looking around the room. He noticed Gwaine sitting next to him and Lauren kneeling before him. Both of them were looking at him warily. Then he noticed the tears on both their cheeks.
"It wasn't a dream?" He asked softly. Gwaine snorted but the sound was devoid of amusement. It was an empty, almost cruel answer and it told Galahad enough. Before he knew it he was sobbing. Soft arms cradled him and he buried his head onto her shoulder. He hadn't cried like that for a very long time, not since he was a small child. He hadn't cried then out of weakness but out of powerlessness. It was the same grief that overpowered him now.
Lauren was rubbing circles on the knight's back. She didn't offer him any words of comfort because they would be hollow, empty shells of what she wanted to convey. So she just sat there with him in his arms. Gwaine had abandoned his bottle for now, his own grief put aside for a brief moment as he watched his young friend.
After a while when Galahad calmed down, Gwaine cleared his throat. "You should be grateful she followed me down here. She's a much prettier companion to hug."
"Gwaine!" Lauren hissed and slapped the knight half-heartedly on his arm. For a brief moment that playful grin was back and even Galahad chuckled. A moment later both of them seemed to realize what had happened and a shadow crossed their faces again. Without a word Gwaine passed the bottle to Galahad and the druid rolled his eyes. Nonetheless he took a sip.
"How's Arthur?" Galahad asked while Lauren settled herself down on his other side.
"I'm not sure." The knight answered after a while. "On top of the tower he looked so lost for a moment. Then again I honestly wasn't paying that much attention to him, but..."
"But what?" Lauren asked when Gwaine paused again for an awful long time.
"He seemed fine when he got down. I wasn't thinking, well I'm still not thinking straight, but he just started ordering everyone around as he usually does. He looked determined, focused even, like nothing had happened."
"You're not thinking he doesn't care, right? Because you would be wrong." Lauren said not really sure how to interpret the knight's current facial expression.
"Drink some wine, you're not making any sense." Gwaine offered momentarily avoiding the question. Lauren huffed but accepted the bottle. Galahad frowned, "What is it then?"
"I'm scared what Arthur will do when he's allowed to rest." Gwaine admitted and surprised them by continuing, "That man I saw on top of the tower is still there and the longer the king ignores him, the worse he'll get."
"Sir Maerven, stand down. We're not a threat!" Elyan argued when one of Queen Annis' most famous and trusted knights bristled in anger and drew his sword again. There were standing in a deadlock several yards from the Main Gate. Elyan had tried and found a couple of dozen knights, but his words weren't being heard. It didn't help that the wounded and the dead were lying all around them.
"This was sorcery!"
"Exactly, but it wasn't our sorcery. Your Queen," Elyan tried to reason again, "she's resting in the castle because the curse made her ill. The Prince is safe as well. We're not your enemies."
From his position on top of the Gate Leon could hear all of the arguments Elyan and the knights of Caerleon traded with terrifying clarity. This wasn't looking good. If Percival didn't get here fast enough, Leon feared he had to bellow the order to fire. At least thirty crossbows were aimed at that mob down below which grew at an alarming rate. The atmosphere was growing more hostile with every traded word. Leon clenched his hand around the pommel of his sword –the knuckles turning white from the strain – and held his breath.
Suddenly three horses raced out of the city, neighing loudly as their riders forced them to an abrupt halt. Seeing the danger Sir Brickem immediately steered his horse in between the two groups to prevent an escalation, "Maerwen, Drocas, my knight brothers, stand down!"
"Brickem, what's going on?"
"Sir Elyan was telling the truth." The knight simply stated.
"Then where is our Queen?" One of the other knights demanded. Another horse joined the fray and pulled back the hood of his cloak. Immediately all the men calmed down. It was the Prince.
"My aunt and your sovereign passed away this night. She died from the curse an ancient evil unleashed upon us. I'm not yet of age but determined to rule as she has done. Will you accept me as your king?"
It was silent for a moment. Men and women processed what they learned. Sobs could be heard and then one voice banned the silence, "The Queen is dead! Long live the King!"
Others quickly picked up this shout and soon enough it seemed that every single man, woman and child in the fields before Camelot was chanting that cry. Lothian blushed, uncomfortable with being the centre of attention all by himself. But a proud feeling rose up in his chest and chased away a tiny bit of his grief. These were his people and they accepted him without thought. At that moment Lothian vowed to become the very best of their hopes, so humbled was he in their presence.
He rose his hands, palms facing outwards and after less than a minute the chants died down again. Meanwhile Leon had abandoned his spot above the gate and made his way to the hubbub travelling the short distance on foot.
Lothian spoke again, his clear young voice rang across the fields, "The curse has been lifted, you all have your freedom back! However, Caerleon's in a weak position right now, far from home facing the casualties this night has brought about. Queen Annis held her friendship with the King of Camelot high. As long as we're here no one should betray that legacy. Those who do will be arrested for treason."
"And what about Camelot! My brothers died because of them!" Someone out of the crowd raised angrily.
"You all were under a spell, but what happened tonight was out of our hands as well. I never wanted this." Another voice answered the man's question. Leon spun his head around. The knights of Camelot parted as a new rider approached the impromptu assembly.
Murmurs rose up from among the red cloaked knights, "My Lord." And then someone shouted, "King Arthur's here!" These shouts quickly spread as well and Leon pushed through the crowd just entering the edge of the inner circle when Arthur arrived as well. The knight frowned, there was something amiss. Arthur looked pale and strained and for a moment Leon feared his king was gravely wounded. He steadied Arthur's mare taking hold of the reins as the king got down from his horse. He directed one telling look at the prince and Lothian also descended from his steed. Leon took advantage of the lull in the conversations to observe the king from up close. He didn't like what he saw.
"Arthur, are you all right?" He asked worriedly. Arthur's eyes were red and glassy and the knight feared some poisonous wound was already causing fever and infection.
"Not now, Leon." The king deflected the question with a dismissive wave of his hand, "There's nothing wrong with me." He added to squash the anxiety of his second in command.
Arthur walked up to the prince and said in a soft voice so only the boy could hear it, "I'm truly sorry, Lothian. Annis was right though, you have admirable bravery."
The prince gulped and nodded his thanks. He didn't trust his voice at that moment. The kind and honest understanding written all over the face of the man he hated for so long was almost enough for him to lose his composure. But the moment passed and Lothian pushed every emotion aside for now.
Arthur went to stand a bit taller, a bit more confident and spoke loudly, "I second King Lothian's promise with one of my own! No harm will come to you in Camelot. You're our guests now and will be treated as such until you're well enough to travel home. If one of my men breaks that promise, he too will suffer the accusation of treason."
His words were repeated to those too far to hear it.
"So what happens next?" A bystander asked boldly and then realised what he had done and added quickly, "Sire."
The king smiled, but Leon saw it didn't reach his eyes. However there was another emotion present he couldn't quite explain: deep longing.
"Will you allow me?"Arthur asked. Lothian nodded gratefully.
The king hoisted himself back onto his horse and loudly addressed the gathered crowd, "People of Caerleon, gather your wounded. They will be transported to the castle. In a short time food and water will arrive. The water barrels are being filled as I speak. Rest, find your family and if nothing else take comfort in knowing that this horrible ordeal is over."
He then leaned forward bowing down from his horse so he could speak with those closest to him more privately, "The tents we use for going to war will this time be used to celebrate peace. But, Lothian, you must know that while I was being honest about our hospitality, Camelot cannot provide for your people indefinitely. Our castle granaries are filled to the brim, but this still is a short term solution."
"I understand. We won't take advantage of Camelot's generosity." Lothian said, "Thank you."
Arthur nodded and straightened in his saddle addressing his knights, "Remain vigilant, at this time we do not know what has befallen to our enemy. Elyan, Percival, stay here and help. Leon, take one of the horses and ride back with me. We have much to discuss."
"Is everything all right, Gwen?" Gaius asked as the queen walked up to him. She looked quite dishevelled but that was to be expected with her commendable work in the infirmary. However Gaius wasn't expecting tears. She was crying while at the same time trying hard not to. "Has something happened to Arthur? I think I saw him walking in about half an hour ago, but I was busy with old Mair, the poor thing. She won't ever use that leg again. Too stubborn to leave her house I'm afraid, not that I can't fault the old crone." Gaius prattled on giving the queen time to collect herself.
Gwen didn't say anything, just took another hitching gulp of air and steered a nonplussed Gaius to the edge of the infirmary. She shook her head as she sank down on an empty cot and pulled the physician down as well.
"Arthur's fine, I think, as fine as he could be..." Gwen said but stopped, visibly trying to control her emotions once more. She took a deep calming breath and faced Gaius again with more resolve. She grabbed one of his hands in between hers. Gaius was ever so puzzled with her behaviour. Whatever this was, her actions didn't bode well for good news.
"I'm so sorry, Gaius." She started and all of a sudden the warning bells were going off inside his head. He looked away for a moment. He didn't want to hear what she had to say, nonetheless she continued, "Merlin was attacked, he... he didn't make it."
The noise of the packed infirmary died down. He felt as if he was being pulled under water. Gwen was saying more, he saw her lips move but didn't hear what she was saying. Not that it mattered, what comfort could she give?
He didn't make it.
His boy was dead.
Suddenly a group of people burst into the hall carrying in wounded in their arms and on stretchers. From the far side of the infirmary Gaius saw one of the wounded was a small girl.
"Help please," One of the men pleaded, "There are so many more. The wounded of Caerleon are being brought here."
Without even thinking Gaius rose starting to make his way to the entrance automatically.
"Gaius?" Gwen questioned reluctantly letting go of his hand as he moved away from her. She was still waiting for some sort of verbal reaction. But he couldn't give her that. He hadn't even heard her question. He turned back to her and merely stated, "I'm a physician, Gwen."
And that's all I am now.
Hours later an exhausted king thankfully accepted a cup of water from Leon. The knight had just managed to track Arthur down and was determined to make the man sit still for a moment.
"How's the rest doing?" Arthur asked casually after he had finished the drink. He allowed himself this brief reprieve, leaning back a bit against a pillar amidst the bustling courtyard. The whole castle and the streets leading to the gates were all lit up with hundreds of torches driving away the night. There was a constant stream of people going back and forth. Carts filled with food and water barrels, spare blankets and even firewood were being hauled out of the city. Since the siege had stopped rather abruptly Arthur had giving hundreds of orders, overseeing everything that happened inside the castle, inside the city and on the other side of the Wall. At least every five minutes someone had walked up to him with their latest report expecting new orders.
He hadn't spoken to the new King of Caerleon since their short meeting ended hours ago but had captured glimpses of him talking to his people, reassuring them and even putting some hotheads in their place. Arthur knew then without a doubt that Lothian would become a good king.
"Galahad's doing better. He's with Gwaine in the vaults. Elyan and Percival are still with Caerleon's court. They haven't been told about Merlin. When I see them next I'll tell them. They shouldn't hear it from a stranger." Leon said and took a long pause. Arthur didn't push. "Gaius, he's... There are still over a hundred wounded that need his help. I think that's keeping him going. He's not saying much."
"And Guinevere, she's with Merlin?" Arthur tried to say his friend's name without quivering and failing miserably. He was tired. He desperately wanted to go to bed. Just so he could be woken up by a much to cheerful 'Rise and shine!'. Just to prove it was only a nightmare. The rational part of him knew he was acting silly. Unfortunately with each passing hour, his rational side was crumbling. He kept making mistakes, painful mistakes.
Such as seeing a dark haired gangly man in the distance and briefly thinking it was Merlin. Or when his trousers got torn across his knee and he mentally added 'mending trousers' to his 'Merlin's to-do-list' before realising it would never be finished. The worst was the habit of looking to his right all the time and seeing nothing but empty space.
"Yes, she'll hold vigilance until we can join."
"I should be there as well."
"Your absence doesn't make you a bad friend." Leon assured him.
"But leaving him alone in the first place did." Arthur confessed quietly and tiredly rubbed his eyes.
"Arthur, you had your role in the battle and Merlin had his. I know for certain he knew that when he walked up that tower tonight. It's time you realise this as well." Leon argued with a heavy heart. It wasn't the first time he witnessed Arthur losing someone. There had been countless of knights, old mentors, his father and in a way Morgana and Agravaine as well, but this was the first time Leon truly feared for Arthur.
"You should know rumours are travelling all across Camelot." The knight tried to divert the king's dark thoughts, "How could it not with what the people saw..."
"What rumours?" Arthur asked trying to sound interested.
"Since we were right in the middle of it we didn't notice the impact but, Arthur, the people in the citadel saw golden lights shielding the city from wisps of black smoke. I'm told it was breathtakingly beautiful. They're saying the White Goddess has come to their aid."
"Really?" Arthur was surprised despite knowing it shouldn't have been so hard to predict. It had been rather ostentatious but at the time when he gave Galahad permission to distribute the herbs, his only thought had been the safety of Camelot.
"How are they reacting to it?"He inquired further no longer faking his curiosity.
"Not with fear."
If only Merlin could hear this, Arthur thought, the White Goddess indeed. He couldn't help but picture his friend indignant look upon hearing that particular rumour. He didn't notice but the corners of his mouth twitched up for a second.
"I keep thinking about the daggers." Gwaine suddenly said.
"Daggers?" Galahad asked confused.
"He asked me to collect daggers. I only realised it later, but they were lying around the tower-" Gwaine explained and abruptly fell silent again.
"What is it?"
"The daggers! What if Hréonhes stabbed Merlin with one of the daggers I collected?" Gwaine asked out loud completely ashen at the mere thought. He had given Merlin daggers. Merlin was stabbed. He had collected the dagger Merlin was stabbed with. He had helped- Galahad knew what the older knight was thinking and promptly intervened, "Stop it, you're not responsible. He's not gone because of something you did, got it?"
"I should have stayed with him, then none of this would have happened." Gwaine argued stubbornly.
"If you hadn't left willingly, you would've been unconscious, knocked out by a book, a vase or any other object within flying distance." Galahad countered smoothly.
"Like a fallen branch or a tavern bench?" Gwaine added with a small smile. He shook his head in amusement. Seriously how could he have missed that?
The druid mimicked Gwaine's expression, "Exactly."
"I knew this was going to happen." Galahad said after another long silence, "He said goodbye, sort of."
"Why did he say goodbye to you and not to his old friends?"
"Because I cornered him here and I think he was tired of pretending."
"You could have stopped him." Gwaine said a bit harsher than he had intended. It almost sounded like an accusation. Galahad sighed.
"I tried. Then again, reasoning with Merlin when he made up his mind is always a lost cause. I really tried, Gwaine." The young knight repeated seeking reassurance this time.
"I know."
"Besides he locked me up in here." Galahad pointed around the vaults with distaste.
"True," Gwaine admitted, "He really was one of a kind..."
Once again silence descended across the vaults. They could hear people walking above them, scrapes of heavy things that were being moved and every now and then even a muffled order reached their ears.
"Are you feeling steady enough?"Gwaine asked after he put the cork back onto a bottle.
"You didn't give me that much to drink. Honestly though, what were you thinking: five bottles?"
"They're hardly empty, anyway I wasn't implying you were drunk, quite the opposite." Gwaine defended his previous statement.
"Yeah, I'm better, sort of." Galahad shrugged.
"Then let's get out of here. I'm sure Arthur could use all the help he can get." Galahad knew from the way Gwaine said this, the knight wasn't just referring to the reparations.
As soon as Gwen left Gaius and entered the chamber adjacent to their quarters, she had chased the maids out of there. She defended her actions to herself by claiming she didn't need them. They were crying but it was just a reaction, probably only even from seeing their queen upset, not because of their genuine sorrow.
Once they left however the following silence weighed heavy on her. Gwen realised she was still standing just behind the closed door. She took a deep breath and bravely stepped forward until she reached the table in the middle of the room. She leaned against it for support.
"It shouldn't be you, Merlin." Gwen whispered and gently brushed some of his hair to the side. The room was well lit, but the torches did not warm up the air. Their flames were almost reflect against Merlin' paleness. The guards who accompanied Arthur had placed his body on the hard wooden table after which they had guarded the door. When Arthur had come to get her in the infirmary she had a hard time believing it. For long minutes she had sobbed against his chest, while Arthur just held her tight. He had asked her to do two things: to tell Gaius and stay with Merlin. Gwen had agreed to the latter immediately but had asked why Arthur didn't tell Gaius himself.
Arthur had answered that of all the people that needed to be told he couldn't face Gaius just yet. He didn't say more on the matter, but Gwen could deduce his reasoning further. The physician's reaction would without a doubt crumble Arthur's carefully crafted mask.
Telling Gaius was worse than Gwen had imagined. From the moment she told him something seemed to drain out of him leaving him a lesser man than he had been mere moments before. And his own words confirmed it. He was just a physician now.
"I brought you some more water, Gwen." Lauren suddenly appeared in the chamber startling Gwen who had her back towards the entrance. Her maid looked apologetically and placed the bowl of water on a nearby table. When she didn't make a move to leave, Gwen addressed her, "Thank you but you can go now."
"Nobody should do this alone. It isn't healthy." Lauren argued gently.
"I don't care, they were driving me insane with their tears." Gwen said and turned her back to her maid again. She would show her that she would be just fine alone. Gwen ignored Lauren and her own trembling hands and carefully untied Merlin's neckerchief. She smoothed out the creases in the faded red material. However Lauren wouldn't budge.
"I can imagine, but Gwen, I knew Merlin well. We worked side by side for months. He often told me stories of things that happened to all of you before I came to Camelot. He made me laugh. The air cleared around him when he was happy and caused me to hum which drove Arthur mad. He picked me a basket full of raspberries and told Galahad to give them to me because I once mentioned it was the one thing I missed from home. He made me feel included, because if Merlin accepted someone you all did." Lauren explained, "So I'm not just here out of obligation. For me it's a part of saying goodbye as well. Don't do this alone, Gwen, by sending me away."
Gwen didn't turn to look at Lauren but she felt her maid had moved to stand next to her. Both women were silent for a time and Guinevere had a hard time dragging her eyes away from the sight before her.
"I still can't believe this is real." She admitted softly. It didn't help that the evidence was right in front of her. Her friend was gone and the cause was hidden beneath Merlin's torn and bloody shirt. Without a word Lauren handed her a pair of scissors and Gwen carefully removed Merlin's shirt. The thought that this might be awkward didn't even cross her mind. It was something that needed to be done and she wouldn't let anyone take over this task.
Tears rolled down her cheeks while she cleaned away the blood. And still part of her refused to believe this was real.
"He's really gone?"Elyan echoed his rhetorical question yet again. A couple of minutes earlier Leon had found them at the Main Gate. Both Percival and Elyan had been preoccupied with the task of coordinating and setting up a temporary camp for the stranded people of Caerleon. It was a daunting task and before they knew it the sky in the east was getting lighter.
Leon didn't answer, just waited patiently for his friend to get over his shock.
"Does Arthur know?" Elyan asked next. The older knight nodded his head sadly, "Yes, he found him."
"And yet he?" Elyan spread his arm out motioning at the fields in front of them. Tents were pitched up, a dozen large fires were still burning, food and water had been distributed.
"Yes." Leon confirmed.
"I'm not really sure if I should admire or be frightened by his ability to carry on." Elyan mused out loud.
"If it's a comfort, I'm both." Leon admitted and then turned his attention to the taller knight, "Percival? All right?" The man hadn't said one word after Leon told them the terrible news, he just munched quietly on a piece of bread they were sharing.
The knight shrugged, "He'll be missed."
That really summoned it up.
Gwen hurried to her room and opened her wardrobe. Where had Arthur left it? He had the thing made a long time ago, never really finding the right occasion for gifting it. He had hid it among Gwen's clothes reasoning that Merlin would never stumble upon it in there, joking it had been a long time since he saw Merlin carrying a dress. Merlin hadn't found it, but now Gwen couldn't locate it either. She couldn't find the dark blue shirt Arthur had ordered especially for Merlin. It was driving her mad.
"Guinevere?" Arthur suddenly appeared behind her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He quickly made amends seeing her reaction.
Gwen looked over her shoulder, "It's all right, do you know where you left Merlin's new shirt?"
Arthur tightened his jaw at the mention of his name, but walked up to her. A second later he pulled it out from between her clothes.
"Thank you." Gwen said and finally took a good look at her husband. He was exactly the same as when she last saw him, wearing that dispassionate stony expression. He only looked more tired, "Arthur, take a break, you've been pushing yourself for hours now. Take some time for yourself."
"If I'm not busy, I'm thinking and I can't afford to think about Merlin." Arthur argued and pulled open his own wardrobe, "Here, I think he always admired it." He said and handed Gwen his blue cloak. She snatched it out of his hands, "Then don't think… just feel something! If I didn't know you I would think you didn't care." When Arthur's expression suddenly changed, she felt really silly.
"Guinevere, this, Merlin's death, it's something I'll carry with me every day of the rest of my life. Please allow me one more day where I can just pretend."
Gwen leaned forward and kissed him softly on his lips. He didn't kiss back, but she hadn't expected him to, "You're the bravest man I know, Arthur. Just do me a favour. Get Gaius to take a look at your arm. You're holding it rather stiffly."
She left without comforting words, without forcing him to take a break. He didn't want that. It was quite clear that he was dealing with it on his own way. And she dealt with it differently. Carrying the clothes, she hurried back to where Lauren was waiting.
"Gaius, Merlin's gone. He's dead." Arthur said and immediately winced at how cruel he sounded. In hindsight he shouldn't have blurted it out like that but Gaius' focussed industriousness scared him. The king was utterly unaware that it mirrored his own. Dawn had come and gone by the time he finally made his way to the infirmary. When he entered, the physician had been walking from bed to bed, checking and double-checking every patient. During the night the infirmary had expanded immensely encompassing the surrounding rooms and corridors, so it was hard to find a quiet corner in this crowded place. Somehow Gaius succeeded. Once he spotted Arthur he motioned the king to follow him and strode out of the door. The small room they were occupying at the moment was quiet and deserted, which only amplified Arthur's harsh words. But Gaius didn't react.
"Take off your mail, Sire." The physician ordered, "That shoulder needs tending."
"Gaius, didn't you hear me?"The king asked while unbuckling his belt and placing it on a nearby cabinet along with his sword.
"I heard you just fine, Arthur." The physician responded making Arthur cringe at the tone of his answer. He never heard Gaius' voice sound that frail.
Arthur struggled with his mail shirt trying hard not to wince as the weight of it shifted and pressed down on his shoulder. Slowly the numbness he had been feeling throughout the night was dissolving and it wasn't just the emotional one. Clearly he underestimated the state of his shoulder.
Gaius watched him struggle for a moment and then sighed, "Come here." When the mail, padding and shirt finally had come off with Gaius' assistance, the both of them got a good view of the damage. Arthur blinked. He actually didn't think it would be this bad. It was definitely not a life threatening wound, but his shoulder was one giant swollen bruise.
"What did you do? Take the full brunt of a battering ram?" And for a second he sounded just like the Gaius Arthur knew.
"My mail took the brunt of it." Arthur grumbled annoyed. He actually didn't remember when or how this happened.
"I'm sure your shoulder would argue that statement. You should have come to me immediately. These could get infected!" He pointed angrily at a few half circular cuts across his shoulder from where the mail had dug into his skin. They had stopped bleeding long ago and while Arthur knew he had dallied coming here, he also knew he wasn't too late. The shallow cuts were clotted, negligible and didn't even hurt. But he wasn't about to debate with an irate physician, "Have you learned nothing in all these years!"
Arthur remained quiet but Gaius was far from finished, "Instead of letting your arm rest or at the very least put it in a sling you strained it even further!" The king was shocked, Gaius' tirade was going on and on about how irresponsible he was, his rash behaviour, how he could have been killed... Suddenly Arthur knew exactly what was going through the physician's head.
"Gaius! Please calm down." He finally intervened, "I'm sorry, but I'm okay. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
"Don't make promises like that, Arthur." Gaius said softly, "They're not good for my heart. Now let me see that shoulder of yours."
He didn't speak while cleaning the cuts. Nor did he say anything as he gently applied a strong smelling salve on the bruises. Arthur just waited patiently sitting down on a chair while Gaius bustled around him.
"You were lucky. There are no breaks and your shoulder wasn't dislocated. However it is severely bruised."
"A sling then." Arthur summarized.
"A sling for at least a week and rest." Gaius ordered while he help Arthur put his shirt back on. "Leave your mail off. It's much too heavy."
"I can handle it." Arthur argued. Gaius raised his eyebrow, "It wasn't a suggestion."
"Fine." He was thankful it wasn't his right arm that had to be immobilised. He strapped his sword back on, pointedly ignoring Gaius' disapproving gaze. The siege might be over, but his gut was telling him the danger hadn't passed. The fact that he would have the face whatever came next without Merlin by his side... He wasn't taking any chances.
Arthur nodded his thanks after Gaius provided him with a sling and headed outside. However in the doorway he paused and looked back, "I trusted him to come up with a plan." Arthur admitted out loud. Only yesterday, in truth it seemed longer ago, Merlin had reassured him that everything would turn out allright. Okay, so Merlin didn't exactly say those words, but the underlining meaning was implied and Arthur had trusted his friend. So what went wrong?
The physician sighed, "I believe he had one, Sire."
It took a moment for Gaius' words to sink in and when they did Arthur swore his heart stopped for the second time in less than a day. His grief threatened to resurface in full, but he took a deep calming breath and asked with a steady voice, "Are you saying his grand scheme didn't include his own survival? That he planned to get himself killed? That idiot!" Arthur exclaimed with disbelief gripping the doorpost so hard it almost splintered.
"If past events are any reference, I bet there's a strong possibility." Gaius said acknowledging the likelihood of that exactly being Merlin's incomprehensible plan.
"I really did fail him, didn't I Gaius? If I gave him the impression that his death would be an acceptable course of action?" Arthur whispered, "Will you tell me what he did for me, for Camelot?"
"Not tonight, Arthur."
Galahad rubbed the black stone in his hand. He was on his way to the royal chambers, hoping to find Arthur there. The young knight was so preoccupied that he wasn't exactly watching where he was going. Unsurprisingly he bumped into someone.
The young knight's eyes widened when he realized who was sitting on the floor before him. "I'm so sorry." Galahad said and he wasn't just talking about the collision. Lothian shrugged his shoulders and accepted the hand of one of his knights to get back on his feet. It wasn't that hard to guess where the boy was headed.
"Look at the both of us. What a sight we make." Galahad remarked as he rose up, "My apologies if I'm too familiar with you, your Highness. I only have Gwen and Arthur as a reference point and frankly I'm not really caring at the moment."
Lothian didn't mind, "It's all right." He said and then hesitated for a second, "Can I ask a question?" Galahad nodded surprised and waited while Lothian motioned his guards to give them some privacy. They moved several feet away, but that was it. Despite the current truce, the mutual suspicion was still high.
"Elyan told me you're a druid." Lothian began, "Why then did you become a knight of Camelot? The Pendragon's killed a lot of your people. I don't really understand." It was something he had wondered about after bumping into Galahad a few days ago. The knight understood where the young sovereign was coming from and explained, "It's simple really. It was a choice. I let go of the hate. I hear you're doing the same thing, King Lothian."
"But it doesn't feel easy." The boy argued a bit frustrated and Galahad smiled at his tone of voice. For a second he could easily forget he was talking to a king. Then he realised Lothian hadn't asked that question as a king, but as a young boy feeling lost for a moment among his many responsibilities.
"I said simple, not easy. It's never easy." Galahad admitted, "But think about the alternative. The hate a man carries with him is capable of destroying his life. The hate a king carries with him will bring down his kingdom in the end, along with thousands of lives. Uther's hate of everything magic was powerful, so powerful it became the very root of his own demise. But before he died, hundreds of innocents had already lost their lives. The Druids were not spared. Revenge however is never a pretty sight, nor does it ever end. What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of king do you want to become? One who puts his own interests before that of his people or one who puts those of his people before his?"
Lothian audibly shut his gaping mouth and gave Galahad a genuine smile, "You really are a druid."
"I have my moments."Galahad smiled back and bowed, "Now, with your Majesty's leave, I have somewhere I need to be."
"My lord?" Galahad knocked softly on the open door. The king was gazing out of the window, absentmindedly eating an apple. Lauren had placed a tray filled with food on his desk a while ago adamant that he ate some of it. Her behaviour sometimes reminded him of Merlin's stubbornness, although it luckily never reached that level. Thoughts like these however didn't exactly entice his appetite. So after a while, during which Arthur ignored the food, Lauren left again, not really knowing what more to say to break the silence. It also didn't help that Arthur knew Merlin wouldn't have backed down.
The situation in the city was under control. He effectively dealt with the unfamiliarity of it, namely Caerleon's presence, while his own citizens were quite adapt at resuming their regular routines. That fact alone was depressing really. After his visit to the infirmary he had made another round in the city and then his feet led him here. He had paused in front of the other room. His hand had lingered above the door handle, but he couldn't force himself to push it down and step inside. So he retraced his steps and went to his desk trying not to think of the adjacent room and its occupants. Guinevere was there and he had heard Gaius enter some time ago.
"Yes, do come in, Galahad. What is it?"
"I found this in the vaults on top of a note with your name on it." Galahad began holding up a strange black pebble in his outstretched hand, "I believe Merlin wanted you to have this."
"What is it?" Arthur asked.
"It's a windumaer, an Echo. It's a way of communication like a letter only it's not written but spoken." Galahad explained. After noticing that Arthur's bewildered expression hadn't lessened, he added, "It's his goodbye, Sire."
Arthur reached out and took the stone from the young knight. And from the very moment he clasped his fingers around it, Merlin's familiar voice resounded inside his mind.
"Arthur, I …" There was a long pause and a silent curse. "This, this is a lot harder than the last time. This time I'll already be gone when you hear this. Before you berate me for dying - yes, only a prat like you could hold that against me - I want you to know that I didn't choose this. Not completely." Merlin snorted at this point. "And I'm very sorry, but I … er refrained to tell the truth once more." Arthur could just see Merlin shuffle his feet while he said that. "The thing is, I knew this was going to happen pretty soon. Not the whole undead Dragonlord part, that was a shocker for me as well, but the dying bit. Kilgharrah told me the same morning you saw us together. And when a dragon foretells the future, he doesn't leave much room for debate. So yes , I knew something that I didn't tell you. You have my permission to yell at me." Again a pause. This time it seemed deliberate, but Arthur felt no urge to yell. "These last days, it wasn't easy for me to… to come to terms with this knowledge. Trust me when I say you wouldn't want to know when you're going to die until the very last moment. I'm with Gwaine on that one, I like surprises. It did however gave me time to prepare and I'm actually rather pleased. If my plans work out, I've insured Camelot's safety, your safety. If not… Then you have permission to yell at me some more. I have to go now." In the distance Arthur could hear the warning bells. "But look after the others and say goodbye for me. Remember, whatever you do, always be the king I know you are. A just one loved by his subjects, a brave one destined for great deeds and a fair one for all. You're like a brother to me and I... just thank you. Farewell, my King."
Arthur didn't notice he was crying. He hadn't even noticed he ended up on the floor sagged against the wall. He only noticed the black pebble in his hand.
Gwen waited patiently for Arthur to join their wake. Gaius was resting in a comfortable chair. She suspected he was asleep for the moment and for that she was grateful. Leon had joined her earlier and whenever he had the change. At the moment he was back in the courtyard, no doubt settling the final affairs for the night. The sun was setting and it was strange to think that it had been a day already. Percival and Elyan just arrived, lighting some more candles before finding a spot around the room. Gwaine was uncharacteristically silent since the moment he walked in.
"It's been more than an hour." Galahad said breaking the silence. Not that Gwen needed him to remind her. She was worried, but Arthur needed space. The druid had told them he gave the king Merlin's message. He hadn't heard the message itself and left shortly after giving the stone allowing Arthur some time. To calm his nerves Galahad twirled another pebble across his hands solely using his knuckles.
"For whom are you holding the other one for?" Gwaine suddenly asked.
"The note said Hunith. I'm guessing that's Merlin's mother." Galahad said. Gwaine nodded as if the knight's answer confirmed something.
"Arthur sent two knights to collect her." Leon said as he came in, just catching the last bit of the conversation. He looked around the room, "Where is he?"
"Next door." Percival answered. Leon sighed and sagged down on a nearby chair. He crossed his legs in front of him and stared at Merlin. He sighed again. He knew very well why Arthur wasn't here. It was much easier to deny the truth when it wasn't staring you in the face.
"Arthur! Are you all right?" Gwen worriedly crouched down in front of him after lighting some candles in the darkened room. Arthur looked up.
"What do you mean? Oh, this?" He pointed to his immobilised arm, "Didn't Gaius tell you? Just bruised, he ordered me to carry it in a sling for at least a week."
"Sounds more serious than a mere bruise."
"It probably is." He shrugged and then looked back down at the stone in his hands. He discovered that if he put it down and picked it up again the message would replay. If he closed his eyes when he listened to it, it was as if Merlin was sitting right next to him. Arthur suddenly started talking, "He can't be dead, he just can't. He survived the Dorocha, he survived being left in the woods. And those are just the things that happened last year that I know of. He had a plan. I know he did. I- I will not accept his death." He stammered and rubbed his eyes. Gwen sat down next to him and pulled him closer.
"You can't will him back to life, Arthur." She whispered. For one moment Arthur looked up as if he wanted to argue that statement, but then it passed.
"He's really gone this time, isn't he?" He asked, "Did you know he left me a message?"
Gwen just nodded. Arthur clenched his fist around the stone, "He knew. He knew for days. I yelled at him while he knew he was going to die. I can't even start to comprehend how he must have felt. I yelled at him. So he can't be gone, Guinevere, not when I finally started to know him, all of him. We didn't do the things we were supposed to do." He buried his head onto her lap. Gwen felt helpless, threading her fingers through his hair while he sobbed silently, clinging onto her like a man drowning.
"I don't want his body burned," Arthur murmured, "No pyre for Merlin, dead or alive, just sleep."
It was impossible to tell how much time had passed. Arthur only knew he'd exhausted himself and had fallen asleep because the next thing he was aware of, was waking up. He slowly righted himself careful not to wake Guinevere. Their rooms were cold and he rubbed his sore arm to warm himself up a bit. The fire place was only smouldering so he stacked another log on top of the other, stoking up the flames. Finally satisfied with the modest fire he stared back at Guinevere's sleeping form across the room. Coming to a decision he gently picked her up and put her in bed without waking her.
With the exception of the sound of the burning logs it was quiet. Arthur estimated the hour was early and he had one, maybe two before the second dawn. He got out of the room and walked down the corridor, his destination already in sight.
While most of the candles burned out hours ago, it was still light enough to discern the sleeping forms of his knights. Percival and Elyan were leaning back against a wall. Galahad was sleeping next to a chair, curled up on his side as if he was some sort of cat. Gwaine was lying near the window, stretched out and snoring lightly. Gaius was lying comfortably in a chair. Arthur assumed his knights or Guinevere provided the comfy pillows and leg rest. And Leon, he had his back to the door resting in a chair. The older knight was known for his ability to sleep everywhere, so it didn't surprise Arthur that his second in command even appeared at ease in that cramped position.
In the centre however was Merlin. He truly looked merely asleep as well. Arthur stepped closer and sank down on a chair next to the table. He sighed.
"I didn't release you of your duties, you know." Arthur said quietly, not wanting the others to wake up and hear what he was saying. "Then again, you always were rubbish at following orders. I know you never sought any credit. But I promise you, everyone will know what you did for me and for Camelot. Because if we aspire to be even half the man you were, Merlin, this kingdom will rise so high not even the passing of the ages will push it into obscurity."
Arthur stopped talking for a while and swallowed hard before continuing, "We both have been pretending for such a long time. You pretended you were less than you really were. And I pretend that you were my servant when you were not. You were my friend and I'm sorry I didn't remind you of that fact more often."
"Sometimes you showed me glimpses of the man you really were and that confused me to no end. I never quite could put my finger on it though. You must have found it amusing. I guess I really am an oblivious arrogant prat. Did you know there was more to me when we first met?" He asked out loud and briefly rested his head on the table, "I learned something about you that day as well. You never back down from a challenge." Arthur looked up again and snorted, "The second time we met confirmed the other suspicion I had: that you truly were an idiot. But somehow we mysteriously made sense together."
"And I needed you around me to become the king I am today. I know that now. But I'm not there yet so you can't be gone. Just, just come back."
The moment he had laid eyes on his friend's prone body on top of that tower, the world had stopped for a second. Not long, just as long as it took for Arthur to start breathing again. Part of him however got stuck in that place where time stood still. And he knew now, looking at Merlin's tranquil face, he was never getting that part of himself back.
Anybody needed tissues? This chapter was the hardest one to write so far. I realised the reason the other day: Merlin was absent. Realistic? I thankfully have no personal experience with this kind of grief, but I tried my very best.