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Serendipity/Night. Spoilers for 'Night', 'Serendipity', and probably 'Loss' and/or 'Ghost'. Don't remember, sorry

Not your fault

Casey sighed, rolling onto her side, careful not to anger her broken ribs. They still protested, causing her to wince and bite her lip so as not to cry out.

She should be feeling something. But she wasn't. Shock, she decided, it was definitely shock. Casey wasn't sure if she wanted to feel something, or if this strange numbness was something she wanted to remain sheltered in.

There was something she could be thinking about right now, something she was avoiding. She still couldn't remember. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't remember being in her office with Olivia. She closed her eyes, trying to see what happened after Nina had identified Duvall in the line-up, but she couldn't.

With a shudder, Casey shifted away from that line of thought. That fact that she couldn't remember scared the hell out of her, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to know what had really happened. No, that was a lie- she did want to know the truth, more than anything. But she was frightened. If this was how much healing hurt, she couldn't help but wonder how much being beaten into this state had. Some part of her didn't want to know, didn't want to see whoever had done this beating the hell out of her, wanted to sleep under the hazy cloud that surrounded the memory and never ever know the truth.

But that was hard to think about to. She had to think about something else.

Maybe she could focus on what she was going to do once she got released from the hospital. Olivia, who was somewhere around here, talking to her doctor, had told her that Branch was offering her time off. Casey wasn't sure if she wanted it or not. But after that... should she really stay on as an SVU prosecutor? This job had almost killed her. Was it really worth it? Because the justice she obtained for women really meant nothing to them, especially those victims SVU found too late, who were now dead. What was the point of punishing the criminals when it could never be enough, when you could never fix anything and all Casey ever saw was broken hearts and cold psychopaths?

Casey looked up and apologized softly. "Sorry."

Damn. Though she had already wiped all the tears away, her voice revealed she had been crying. The detective blinked, clearly shocked and regretting her rough start to the conversation. Shaking her head, Casey got up and walked over to her desk, keeping her back to Olivia and trying to regain control of herself. She heard Olivia approach from behind and say quietly, "You know, no one thinks that they can do this at first."

Well, that's good. A sign, at least, that's she's willing to let someone else do this job besides the infamous Ice Queen Alex Cabot. That her heart isn't already sealed off to any new additions to this meager band of broken people who try and save those who are even more broken then themselves. "I wanted straight homicides," she said, looking back up at Olivia. "All the glory, no living victims."

"Lesson number one- no one is prepared to handle the children." She offered a small smile, hesitant, testing the waters. Olivia reached out a hand, to touch Casey's shoulder comfortingly, then changed her mind and tucked her hand away into her pocket.

"Children?" she scoffed. Her voice broke again. "I can't handle any of this. And how could someone do this to a little girl? How could someone..." she trailed off, unable to voice the horrible things in that file.

Olivia just shook her head. "Don't ask why. You won't get an answer."

"How do you guys deal with all... this? It must be easier, for the male detectives..."

Olivia smiled slightly, more of a sarcastic smirk than anything else. "Well, let's see. Elliot doesn't talk about his work at home, Fin doesn't talk about his personal life at work, and Munch has just given up."

"What about you? I mean, what do you say to your boyfriend when you go home at night?"

The detective shrugged. "I don't actually have one. They ask what I do, and the ones that don't automatically shy away lean in, asking for details, get that strange, creepy excitement... either way, it's always a last date."

Casey looked away, swallowing nervously. What on earth had she gotten herself into?

She looked back at Olivia again, asking so quietly it was barely audible, "Then why do you do it?"

"Because someone has to."

At the time, she hadn't understood it. Now she did. And Branch's twisted words, that he had told when she came to him, begging for a transfer.

"This case was a test, to see if you were the right person for the job or not, and you passed with flying colors."

"But I don't want it!" Casey didn't want to look weak in front of her boss, but she wasn't sure how long she could last in SVU before the sickness and perversion got to her and changed her forever. She didn't want this.

"You will," he said, oh-so confident and self-assured. Casey stared at him, rapidly feeling her hopes come crashing down around her. She couldn't do this. She just couldn't.

Branch was right, too. She wanted it now. She did this job because someone had to. Her attack, though she hadn't even begun to deal with it yet, only cemented this fact in her. 'All that good men have to do for evil to triumph is nothing,' right? Casey couldn't leave, not now. She wanted this job. It was kept her heart beating, what got her up every morning and kept her going when she thought she had just about give up. The victims needed her, Manhattan needed her to keep rapists in jail and off the street. She didn't have a choice in this anymore.

Olivia re-entered her hospital room then, and Casey slowly rolled over onto her back, gritting her teeth and struggling to keep the whimper of pain contained. She wasn't sure if Olivia had noticed or not.

"Hey," the detective said, claiming the seat beside her bed. "How you feeling?"

"Okay." What else was there to say, really? That her head and ribs were killing her, that she couldn't sit up without crying out, that every time she tried to concentrate her head felt like someone was pounding it with a jackhammer? "What'd the doctor say?"

"That I can take you home tonight, so long as your condition doesn't deteriorate. And that your, um, memory loss doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong, considering what happened... he said it could be temporary," she ended, trying to sound hopeful, but Casey heard the hidden sadness behind her fake optimism. Good chance the memory loss was permanent, then. Casey wasn't sure whether that was good or bad. "Have you given any more thought to taking time off?"

Casey knew she was just trying to change the subject, but she was grateful. "Yeah," she said with a sigh, struggling to sit further upright. She caught the disapproval and sympathy on Olivia's face but let it slide. "I'm still not sure. I mean, I know I definitely deserve a few days off, but... I can't. I have to go back to work. Get back on the horse, right?"

"Casey, getting back on the horse doesn't mean riding it off a cliff," Olivia said as she reached out and grasped the ADA's cold hand in her warm one.

"Huh?"

"Look, Case..." Olivia leaned forward, catching her eye and still not letting go of her hand. "I know you want to prove to all of us how strong you are, and you're afraid that if you take time off, it's a sign of weakness. Here's the thing, sweetie- we know how tough you are. You don't have to prove it to us. And if you start working, you'll get a taste of how good it feels, not to think about what happened for hours at a time, and you won't be able to give it up- and that means you won't be able to deal with this. If you throw yourself back into this too hard and too fast, it's going to wind up destroying you. Don't do that to yourself, please."

"So what exactly am I supposed to do? Just not come back until I've dealt with this? That could take months, Olivia!"

"I know, honey, and that's not what I'm saying. Just take it easy for a while. Because going back to work is fine, although I think you should take a couple days- or weeks- off to let your body heal. But if you start trying to deny what happened, then it won't be just work as usual. It'll be hell... for both of us. You'd be the first one there in the morning and the last one there at night, all your cases would be absolutely perfect and you'd still be finding more work to do. I could try and get you out of that, but I'm not sure if I would succeed. Your just too damn stubborn for your own good." She shook her head and smiled slightly, running a hand through her hair.

"Probably saved my life tonight." She raised her hand, indicated the cuts and bruises on her knuckles- defensive wounds.

"Yeah. The squad's gonna be impressed when they see- our rebellious ADA put up one hell of a fight. She's growing up," Olivia teased, squeezing her hand again. "Next thing we know, you'll be chasing after perps with us."

"Yeah... guess I didn't put a good enough fight, though..." Casey sighed, starting to pull her hand away from Olivia, but the detective held on and sat on the bed next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, don't be like that. Come on, Casey. You did everything you could." When Casey still didn't respond, Olivia leaned forward and said softly, "I'm proud of you, Case."

Casey's head snapped up, and she stared at Olivia in shock. "Wha... what did you say?"

Olivia took a deep breath, then repeated, "I'm proud of you, Casey Novak. You were strong enough to fight back and survive, regardless of how scared you were and how much pain you were in. It wasn't just luck that you lived to tell the tale. You fighting back was part of the reason- a very big part. You know what I said to you when I was waiting for the ambulance? I said, 'Casey, hang on. Just hang on. You fought him and I'm so proud of you, but you've gotta stay with me. You can't have fought for nothing.' Casey, if you had given up on me... I honestly don't know how many pieces my heart would have broken into, but I do know it would have ripped the squad apart. Again. Case, it wasn't your fault. You fought your hardest to get it away and you survived, against all odds. You fought when it was your life on the line, but you can't stop fighting now. I'll get you through this, I promise, but I can't do it without you." Olivia was stopped mid-speech by Casey throwing an arm around her and pulling her close, not without a hiss of pain through clenched teeth.

Olivia hesitated, supporting Casey with one arm, when the ADA breathed in her ear, "Thank you." Casey gave her another squeeze before relaxing her grip, and Olivia eased her back down so she didn't fall and anger her already injured chest.

"For what?" she asked when Casey was lying down again.

"For saving me. You can say I saved myself, but we both know I wouldn't have made it out alive if you hadn't found me. Both of us have a part in what happened that neither of us are claiming."

"Casey, I-"

"I know you blame yourself, Olivia. I'm not stupid. I suppose this is my way of telling you to stop. You didn't know what was going to happen. You didn't have any idea he was going to attack me. I know you wouldn't have left me alone if you knew what you would come back to find."

Olivia hesitated, staring at her hands when she mumbled, "You really don't blame me?"

"No, I don't, Olivia. Do you blame me for what happened?"

The detective scoffed. "That's just a stupid question- of course not."

Casey laughed softly, rolling her eyes. "Don't you get it, Liv? That's how I feel whenever you say it's your fault. It's not your fault anymore than it's mine. Trust me, Olivia- I don't hold you at fault for anything that happened."

Olivia smiled. "Thanks... shouldn't this be going the other way around? Shouldn't I be the one comforting you instead of the opposite?"

The ADA shrugged, chuckling under her breath. "Well, what can I say? I'm a redhead. We don't like doing things in a conventional way."

"Don't I know it... made my life hell for that past year and a half."

Olivia and Casey both laughed again as Casey rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, but you love me for it."

"Damn straight."

I'm rapidly running out of episodes. The only ones I can think of are 'Signature', 'Gone', and 'Impulsive'. And since 'Signature' and 'Gone' are so similar (just different in the characters that get all the love) I'm thinking I'm going to make them into one fic. Impulsive could kind of go in there too, but I don't want to put in too much. I suppose I could do 'Cold', but I hate that episode too much to write about it. Casey's coming back from her unjust disbarment any day now, I just know it!

… sorry. Anyway, up next is a Gone/Signature.