Once again, the Bad Touch Trio found themselves slumped against the bar as Spain recounted what had happened in Italy
"And then he after he said that, he just pushed me out and closed the door in my face!"
The other two sighed "Are you a masochist Toni? I thought you went to call the bet off?"
"Mmm, I did, but…"
"But what? Or did…" France cut off his berating off the man as his phone interrupted
"Don't think I'm done with you, Bonjour?"
"France?"
"Angleterre?" This got the attention of the other two nations. Prussia mouthed "Was? [What?]" France shrugged
"To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure, mon cher?"
There was a pause, then a sigh "I can't believe you're the one I'm ringing about this, but, well…"
"Oh? I'm honoured to be receiving such attention Angleterre"
"Look, I need…"
France rolled his eyes impatiently; England always took forever to get to the point
"I need your advice"
To say France was surprised at this would be like saying the Atlantic is a tad moist. England wanted his advice?
"Ah? Angleterre, did I just hear you correctly?"
"…Never mind stupid frog, this was a ridiculous idea"
"Ah! Non Angleterre, attendez! [No England, wait!] You can't be so cruel as to peak my curiosity like this, mon cher"
Another long pause "It's…it's…never mind, you'll just be perverted about it again"
"Moi? Angleterre, I am shocked and offended that you would even think about me that way! Now, tell big brother France the problem"
"…"
France sighed; he could feel his patience slipping
"Angleterre?"
"…"
"Angleterre, either tell me or I'm going to ring Amerique and get him to ask you"
"N-no need to do that, frog! It's just…" A sigh came through the phone speaker "Just…I need someone to help me make sense of something…" France said nothing, waiting "…I'm just confused…by the way this person is acting around me…"
By the way someone was…ohhh, it couldn't be? Was England talking about…Romano?
"Oh? How is this person acting, mon lapin?"
England seemed surprised that France hadn't immediately teased him about this "Well…I had barely spoken to this person until a couple of months ago…but all of a sudden he began acting really friendly towards me…and I can't figure out why…"
Ah. So that was why England was confused. The island nation never believed anyone would approach him without an ulterior motive, although France supposed that was understandable with his past.
"Does there need to be a reason, mon lapin? There's no harm in someone being friendly right?"
"But that's the thing; I've never seen him be friendly with anyone! Except you know…family"
France fought a grin; Romano really hadn't been very subtle with this had he? But the fact that England was asking him made him wonder…did England just want a reason so he would have an excuse for his feelings?
"Euh, just so I'm clear, what do you think of this person, mon cher?"
"…What do you need to know that for, frog?"
"Oh hon hon hon, so defensive? I wonder what sort of thoughts you've been having about this person, Angleterre?"
"S-shut up! It's nothing like that frog!"
"Oh? Then how is it, mon cher?"
"…" Oh, not again. France was just about to actually hang up and ring America when England's voice came through the speaker so quietly he barely heard it
"…Don't know…"
"Quoi? [What?] You need to speak up Angleterre"
"I said I…I don't know…exactly…it's confusing"
"Well, simply put Angleterre, do you like them?"
"…Yes, I suppose so…as a friend certainly…"
"And more than that?"
"Ey?"
"Mon dieu, [My god] what I'm asking Angleterre, is if this person is interested in you that way, and it certainly sounds possible, would you return those feelings?"
"I…I don't know…maybe…I barely know him though"
"Well, it sounds to me Angleterre, like you are just looking for an excuse to like this person" France continued, cutting off the Englishman's squawks of protest "Now now, mon lapin, nothing wrong with that, you always were careful when it comes to matters of le cœur [the heart]"
"Le what? I…"
"Just so I know Angleterre, who is it who has mon mignon's heart all a flutter?"
"My heart is not fluttering for anyone!"
"Of course it isn't Angleterre, now who is it?"
"…"
"If you don't tell me, then I'm going to start guessing…"
"…"
"Fine then, is it…?"
"Alright, it's Romano! Are you happy now frog?"
"Quite, Angleterre"
"Git"
"And the same to you rosbif."
"Forget it; I should have known you couldn't stay civil. But frog?"
"Quoi? [What?]"
"Thanks" And with that England hung up. France closed his phone and stared at it for a while.
"Well?" Spain and Prussia looked at him, waiting to see what the outcome of the conversation had been. France stayed frozen for a few minutes before taking what was left of his wine and pouring it over Spain's head
"Ahh, Francia! Qué chingados? [Ahh, France! What the fuck?]"
"Abruti! Tu es un âne! C'est de ta faute! [Moron! You're a jackass! And it is your fault!]"
"Frankreich, calm down!"
"Va chier, tu déconnes ou quoi? Va te faire voir espèce d'imbécile heureux souriant. C'est un jeu pour toi? Ça affecte plus que ces deux-là, petit fumier! Brûle en enfer! [Fuck off, are you kidding or what? Go fuck yourself, you are a fucking, spaced out, grinning bastard! Is this a game for you? This affects more than two, you walking piece of shit! Burn in hell!]"
Spain stared at the angry Frenchman, not fully understanding anything that he was staying…but then he didn't have to
"Tu as l'équivalent d'un sandwich au fromage, on t'a bercé trop près du mur? Va chier et va crever, gros connard. T'es trop con. Tu es une tomate au visage de cochon, mange de la merde et meurs sale pute! [You have the brain of a cheese sandwich, as a child, was your cradle rocked too close to the wall? Fuck off and die, you are full of shit! You're sick! You are a tomato with the face of a guinea pig; eat shit and die, whore!]"
"Frankreich, you're scaring Toni, what the hell did England say to get you so pissed off?"
France didn't even appear to hear him, "Crisse de cave, va donc te faire enculer! [Fucking idiot, go fuck yourself up the ass!]"
"…W-was that…French Canadian?" Spain spluttered, knowing full well France felt that it butchered his own language
"Décâlisse! Enfant d'chienne! Osti de chriss de cave! [Fuck off! Son of a Bitch! Bastard!]"
"It's called Quebecois!" Prussia defended
"Tua esque, tu es stultior quam asinus! [Up yours, you're stupider than an ass]"
Prussia and Spain blinked at him bewildered as he changed his tongue again
"Sterculus! Mater tua lupa est! Tu scronium es! Efutue! [Little shit! you mother is a whore! You are a whore! Fuck off!]"
"Francis, get out of the dead languages, it's not like anyone can even remember what you're saying"
"Uediiu camulos bratu! gabi dusios ex catu pe gaesum uiro marvos [I pray a war god judges! That he takes a demon out of battle and spears man dead]" on the word uiro [man] he pointed an accusing finger at Spain
"I don't even know what language that is!"
"Ogros oinos ollon marvos dusios petsi! [Cold one all dead demon thing!]" He flew at Spain with pure anger in his eyes
Prussia forced himself in the way "Come on, this is completely not awesome!"
"Je t'emmerde! Fiche moi le paix, c'est des conneries…[Screw you! Get the fuck away from me, this is bullshit…]" With this France slumped by the bar and began necking the wine straight from the bottle.
Prussia sighed at the sight of the two thoroughly depressed nations and pulled out his own phone from his pocket
OreSamaAwesome: Hey birdy, ur papa is being totally unawesome
MaplenotBurgers: ? What did u and spain do?
OreSamaAwesome: Nothing! England sed something that sent him fucking crazy
MaplenotBurgers: Srsly? How crazy?
OreSamaAwesome: He's speaking tongues that don't exist anymore mattie, i shit u not
MaplenotBurgers: OMG. RUN. NOW.
OreSamaAwesome: Wtf? He already tired himself out its fine hes just drinking himself ded
MaplenotBurgers: He has alcohol? Hes just preparing to go fully apeshit LEAVE NOW WHILE U STILL CAN
OreSamaAwesome: Orly? Idk, I wanna see this
MaplenotBurgers: Im making pancakes, if u can make it here b4 im done ill serve them nude
OreSamaAwesome: has logged out
England sighed as he made his way out of his basement where he'd made the call, he didn't want anyone overhearing him asking France for help, he would have preferred to keep him out of it, but who else could he ask? He couldn't ask America, he doubted whether the nation who had managed to piss off pretty much the entire Middle East would be any use with advice of this nature, and most of his former colonies were too annoyed at him for one reason or another. And it would be a cold day in hell before he asked his brothers about this sort of thing. Much as he hated to admit it though, the frog had had a point, but he wasn't sure whether this helped the problem at all or just complicated it. What should he do next time he talked to Romano? Should he confront the Italian about it or just pretend like nothing had changed? He didn't want to ruin what he had with him, although he would never admit this to anyone, he quite enjoyed Romano's company but…the way Romano had acted after he'd seen him in the rain watching the water sprites dance (Not that he'd told Romano that was what he was doing, he'd had enough teasing off France and America to last a lifetime, thank you very much) he'd seemed so concerned…more than a friend should be…England shook his head to clear his thoughts, he was just going round in circles like this. He froze as he heard his brother outside…damn…Romano could wait, this was going to need sorting now.
Damn...I think my PruCan fangirl is showing...slightly shorter chapter today, cos I wanted to put more Bad Touch Trio in there (I now know A LOT of French swears...this will make my next trip abroad more interesting huh?)
England's worries are based off my own when I started dating my ex...so sorry if England seems a bit...hormonal
France calls him "mon lapin" or my rabbit because the Normans introduced rabbits to England. There is more to my headcanon on that, but it belongs to my other story.
France slips into Quebecois, Latin and Gallic when he's annoyed, apologies if the French makes no sense, it's from a variety of websites, any corrections will be gratefully recieved! Thanks to Samstar1990 for finding the Gallic stuff for me!
As always, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, faved or alerted this story, it gives me such a boost to continue! I always reply to any questions asked in reviews, so feel free to ask!