Signature/Gone. For this fic to make sense, these two episodes have to take place around the same time, even though I think they were separated by a season or two. Whatever. Also, I barely remember the kid's names from those episodes, so I know I got the facts about them wrong. Well, I don't care. Spoilers for 'Signature', 'Gone', 'Loss', and probably 'Ghost' too.

You couldn't save them

Casey cracked open one eye to look at Olivia, who was currently reclining on the couch beside her's. "Tell me again why you're here," she said before descending into yet another coughing fit.

Olivia rolled her eyes and waited for her to quiet down before saying, "Because if you have the flu, you can't work, and we always hate your temps. Besides, someone's got to take care of you, and you sure as hell aren't going to do it."

"You know what I think?" Casey would have liked to sit up to make her point, but she was afraid that might be too much for stomach. She'd already thrown up twice today and was looking forward to repeating the experience anytime soon. "I think you're only here because taking care of a sick friend means you don't have to think about Lauren Cooper."

Olivia's expression darkened for a moment, then she glared at the wall behind Casey rather then Casey herself and snapped back, "You're just trying to interrogate me about Lauren because you don't want to think about Jason King."

Casey blinked in shock, then rolled onto her side so she didn't have to look at Olivia. "Very mature, Olivia," she muttered under her breath.

Neither one said anything for a long moment, then Olivia said, "Casey. Casey, look at me." The ADA hesitated, then shifted onto her other side and glared at Olivia. "I'm sorry. That was out of line."

Casey didn't reply, then muttered, "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have brought her up."

Olivia hesitated, then leaned forward and sighed. "Okay, let's drop this whole charade, all right? We both think we're responsible from someone's death, I think you're not responsible for Jason's and you think I'm not responsible for Lauren's-"

"Well, fine- convince me I'm not responsible for Jason's!"

"I can't! No one can! Every time somebody tries, you cut them off, and-"

"No I don't!"

"See! You just did it again!"

Casey glared at her then cleared her already sore throat and snapped, "All right, Liv. If you're so smart, you tell me those pathetic clichés about how it's not my fault and that I wasn't the one to shoot him. You tell me all those stupid lines and somehow make me feel better. Otherwise, just shut up."

"You know, for someone who's asking for help, you sure sound like a bitch."

"Maybe that's cause I don't deserve help."

Olivia sighed, shaking her head. "Casey... come on. Look, I know what you're going through and-"

"Know what I'm going through? Oh, please, Olivia, you have no idea-"

"Casey, just shut up and listen." Olivia leaned forward and made sure Casey was actually looking at her before she continued. "10 years ago, before I joined SVU, I worked in for ERT- the emergency response team. I was 28, just two years younger than you are now. One day, we responded to a robbery in progress at a bodega down in lower Manhattan. I was a rookie, thought nothing could happen to me, that I was invincible, that being a cop was all glory and no sweat. So I ran into the bodega without stopping to assess the situation. The gunman saw me and knew I was a cop, but I was already inside. There was this woman in there with me- single mother. Her husband had been killed in the first Iraqi war. When she saw me, she thought she was safe and started to run. He fired at her. I dived in front of her, shooting at him and trying to protect her. The bullet went through my stomach into her's, where it nicked her aorta. She never had a chance. I shot the gunman, he died, and I came out of it with nothing but a few days in the hospital. Two dead bodies. The newspapers were all calling me a hero... but all I could think about was the mother and the gunman. How she had screamed when she saw me, how he had looked before he died..." Olivia shuddered, drawing herself out of the memory and focusing back on Casey once more.

"So, you see, I have killed before. You think you're responsible for Jason King's death the same way I thought I was for Emily's- the mother. It took me a while to stop blaming myself. I thought that if I hadn't ran in there, waving my gun around and shouting, 'drop your weapon!' Because criminals never listen to that anyway. Cops say it so much you'd think it was in the manual... Anyway, I thought I was responsible because if some more experienced cop in there, she probably wouldn't have been killed. But that's just it- probably. I don't know for certain, because I didn't pull the trigger. That bastard did. I know I tried to save her. That I at least get justice for her, even though it can never be enough."

"But I promised Jason everything would be okay... that I would protect him."

"And that's what I promised Emily. I told her not to move, that everything would be fine. Casey, you can't blame yourself for Jason and his friend's choices. You didn't make Jason come forward and testify."

"But I convinced him to!"

"Did you also tell his cousin to kidnap him? To kill him because Jason could put him away for murder? Casey, I know what if you had had any idea what was going to happen, you would have saved him. And you've saved too many children's lives to let it all go because of this one."

Casey sighed, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter if I save a hundred thousand children, Jason will still be just as dead."

"Because Richard shot him. You didn't pull the trigger. You worked night and day to find him in time. And now Richard and his friends will never get out of prison- which wouldn't have happened if you hadn't caught that fingerprint match."

"And Jason's life was worth it?"

"No... no, not at all. But at least he died for a good cause. And it wasn't your fault. Not even a little bit."

Casey smiled slightly before propping herself up on her elbows and trying to speak, but her voice was still so hoarse it was nothing but a throaty whisper. "Thanks... Liv, do you want to talk about what happened with Lauren Cooper?"

Olivia's expression darkened at the mere mention of her late friend. With a sigh, she pulled her knees up to her chest and shrugged. "Well, not really. But you didn't want to talk about Jason, either..."

"Tell me what happened, Liv," she said softly.

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't. Chester and I realized what was going on and ran down to Lauren's apartment as fast as she could... the gun was on the table in front of her. I remember trying to talk her out of shooting us... I didn't realize she was actually going to shoot herself. When I had... it was too late."

"Olivia..." Casey slowly sat upright, leaning against the back of the couch, and when her stomach didn't protest, she looked back at Olivia and said, "This is the same thing with Jason... you would have tried to save her, if you had known. You didn't pull the trigger. You couldn't save her."

"Right. But if I had grabbed the gun when I first saw it, she wouldn't be dead."

"She'd be facing life in prison, maybe even the death penalty. Lauren was probably already depressed; the stress of all this was just too much for her. It was better this way. Do you really think Lauren would want to live the rest of her life in prison?"

"I'd think she'd rather be alive than dead."

"Lauren knew you would try and save her, Liv. I think that's why she didn't have the gun to her head, when you walked in the door. So you wouldn't suspect and try to talk her out of it- she was afraid you might succeed, and she didn't want to keep on living like that."

"How do you know?"

Casey hesitated, biting her lip in uncertainty, then said quietly, "Olivia, I've never told anyone this before, but... when I was sixteen, I... my boyfriend told me to meet him up on my apartment building's roof. Being sixteen, I was stupid, and thought he meant to party. He wanted me- sex. I didn't want him, so he dumped me for 'someone who would sleep around'. It was the first time a guy had broken up with me, so I sat on the roof crying for twenty minutes when I heard a noise. I went to investigate- it was my best friend, Sarah Garcia. She was standing on the edge... she was going to jump, Liv. I talked her down, but I... I had never been so scared in my entire life. She wouldn't let me tell her parents, swore to me it was a one-time thing... the next week, I found her passed out in my car. I was taking some meds- I had just had bacterial meningitis, the meds were a preventative measure- and she found them. Sarah took six at once- you were supposed to take one per day. I rushed her to the hospital- the doctors barely saved her.

"They thought she had gotten high at a party and called the police. They were about to arrest me for a drug charge when I told them the truth... well, sort of. I said she found my pills in my car and thought they were Tylenol. Since the pills were prescribed to me and I had an alibi, the police had to let me go. It took Sarah three days to wake up. When she did, I told her that I had lied to both her parents and mine- I told Sarah's parents she was at my house and my parents I was at her's, and I cut school and told them Sarah and I were sick. When she woke up, I told her she had better tell me the truth or I would tell her parents, the doctors, and the police. Sarah told me that... she'd been molested by her step-father ever since she was thirteen. That her mother had cancer, so she would always have to stay and take care of her. That she would never get away. Sarah told me the reason she tried to kill herself was because if that was going to be the rest of her life... well, what was the damn point? She wasn't going to go one living like that with no chance of escape. Death was a better option for her."

Casey took a drink from her water and continued, never once looking away from Olivia. "Olivia, I may have saved Sarah, but I got lucky. If I hadn't found her on the roof or in my car, she would have died. When she was in a coma, I thought she would die. I blamed myself, even though she wasn't dead yet. I was sixteen, scared and stupid, so I didn't tell the police anything Sarah had told me. I told her parents she was dead, then started working an extra shift at my job to help pay for an apartment for Sarah. She took the GED under a different name... now she goes by Allison White and is a successful cardiologist in Los Angeles. While she was still in New York, just a couple of weeks after I lied to her parents, I told her that I had blamed myself. That I still did. She told me, 'Casey Novak, stop blaming yourself right now. Even if I had died, it wouldn't have been your fault. I was the idiot ready to jump, when I had someone right here all along to catch me. It never could ever be your fault.'"

"But, Casey, you saved Sarah. I couldn't save Lauren."

"Don't you see, that's the point, Liv! Sarah told me it wasn't my fault- she... she left me a note, when she was in my car. It said some stuff I'll never repeat and, 'Casey, I'm sorry, I know this is going to hurt you, but I just can't keep doing this. Don't blame yourself.' Lauren doesn't... didn't blame you, Olivia. You couldn't have stopped her. It was fate that I found Sarah in my car and on that rooftop. Just like it was fate that you couldn't save Lauren."

Neither one said anything for a long time. Then Olivia murmured, "Thank you, Casey. It... means alot."

"And thanks for what you said about Jason. Thank you for... everything." Casey's long speech had reduced her ability to talk to an almost inaudible whisper, and her throat was burning. She trudged to her kitchen to get some cold water, the blanket wrapped around her shivering form, and Olivia followed.

"Casey, thank you for telling me about Sarah. I know we had... kind of rough start, when you started in SVU. I don't think I ever officially apologized for how I treated you when you first transferred to SVU."

She shrugged, closing her eyes as the water soothed her sore throat then turning back to smile at Olivia. "Hey, it's nothing." Her voice was slightly louder and clearer, and Casey was pretty sure that her headache wasn't as bad as before. "I understand. It was complicated- you had to pretend Alex was dead when she wasn't, and here was Queen Bitch trying to take her place."

Olivia winced at how eerily accurate Casey was, then nodded. "I was never trying to replace Alex, Liv," she said softly. "I'm fine just being Casey." There was a long silence after that- nothing really to be said.

Finally, as a way of closing the subject and ending the awkward moment, Olivia said, "You're sounding better. I think you're finally getting over the flu. Think you'll be at work tomorrow?"

"You bet your ass." Olivia laughed, rolling her eyes before guiding Casey back to the couch.

"Come on. I have an idea to get back at Munch for poisoning my coffee yesterday, and you are just the redhead I need to pull it off..."

I improvised on Olivia and Casey's past- I have no idea if Liv was with the ERT... actually, I don't think the ERT even exists. Well, whatever. 'Impulsive' is next, but then I don't really know what I'll write about. All I know is I won't do 'Cold', because I finally saw about half of 'Intoxicated', but I'm not sure what can I write about it without seeing the entire episode. If you've got any suggestions, I'm open to them.