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Nessie

While my family is off fighting a war that could kill us all, I am living life as if nothing is wrong. It's as if the imprints have a don't ask, don't tell policy amongst them. In the two days we have been left alone, we have discussed every possible conversation except what we are actually feeling. I didn't know women could ever be such great actors.

It's evening and I am ready to sleep. Sleeping is my only time to escape the overwhelming grief in which I feel drowning me. In my sleep I can fight. Katerina finds me every night. And every night I feel powerful and strong.

As I prepare to go downstairs, I hear Claire asking around about where I might be. Claire and I haven't really hung out in years. My family moved from Forks when I was two. Of course, at two I looked about Claire's age—maybe a little older. We used to run around the beach at La Push with Quil and Jacob. Since she has been here I have longed to return to those times.

Claire's round face and thick black hair peeks out from around the kitchen doorway. "I found you," she exclaims sounding relieved. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, sure. My room?"

"Ok." She follows me down the stairs. When she sees the size and décor of my bedroom she releases a small huff as if to say Holy Crap. I take a seat on my bed and wait for her to find a spot too. She ends up sitting across from me looking up at the picture above my bed. "When was that taken?" she asks.

"The one with Jake?"

"No. The one of your parents."

"It was at their wedding. Mom was still a human."

"She was beautiful," Claire comments. "And she still is," she adds with a blush that darkens her already dark cheeks.

"I think so too," I reply. Silence looms over us like so many other unsaid things these days. "So how have you been?"

"Pretty good."

"What grade are you in?"

"Sixth. What about you?"

"Tenth." The small talk is already wearing me down. I just want to escape into the violence of my dreams.

"So you're like a teenager now, right?"

I can Claire's finally getting to her point. "Yes. I guess so."

"And are you and Jake," she pauses. "Like dating?"

"We were," I answer trying to figure out where this is going.

"You broke up?" For someone that had no idea we were an item, she seems awfully upset that we are both back on the market.

"I don't really want to talk about that, if you don't mind."

"Oh! Gosh! Of course!" She seems genuinely sorry to have brought it up. "I didn't come down here to make sad or something."

"It's fine," I reply with a real smile—the first in a couple days.

"I actually wanted to ask you about something that's related though. I promise it isn't about Jacob exactly."

"What's up?" I want to be here to help Claire. I mean the only good thing about aging so quickly is that I went through it all in a relatively short amount of time. And since Claire seems to be on the topic of relationships, I want to help. I'm not the most experienced person ever, but I think I can manage some basics.

"How did you get Jacob to like notice you?" The way she says it makes me raise my eyebrow slightly. "Like," she continues, "How did you make him notice your body?"

"I didn't really have to. Jacob noticed all by himself."

"When did it happen?"

"I'm not really sure," I admit. "If he noticed before I made it clear that I wanted to be more than friends, he hid it."

"When did you move from friends to boyfriend/girlfriend?"

"Recently."

Claire's face falls and tears well up in her brown eyes. "It's so unfair!" she exclaims as she tries to push the tears back into her ducts. "I'm older than you."

I'm not really sure how to respond to this. She is older. And yet I do get to do all the adult stuff first. It isn't fair. I wish I was still four. At four I had the whole world ahead of me. I got to look forward to all this. Now I'm miserable. "It will happen with Quil on your own time," I finally say.

"But he still thinks of me as this small child." The way she says it almost makes me laugh. She sounds so disgusted at the thought of being a child.

"Don't let him treat you like a child if you don't want him to," I say remembering the phase I went through a little over a year ago. I wanted Jacob to think I was more adult so I started cursing like a sailor. I learned the hard way that you can actually be bad at cursing.

"How?"

"Well what kind of stuff do you and Quil do when you hang out?"

"We go to the beach and watch movies and stuff like that. And I already tried wearing a bikini but he didn't look twice."

I don't want to encourage Claire to watch higher rated films because I want to maintain some of her innocence. Still, I want to give her a logical way to imply that she is ready for more adult things. "Are you interested in any boys at school? I ask, thinking on my feet.

"No," she sighs.

"Do you think you could pretend to be?"

"Is that what you did with Jacob?"

"Kind of," I admit with Austin in mind.

"I guess I can try it. What do I do?"

"Start talking about dating and kissing and stuff like that. And then ask him for boy advice."

"Won't that make things worse?"

"I don' think so. It will tell him loud and clear that you aren't a little girl anymore. And you don't actually have to go out with the guy from school."

"Do you think he will get jealous?" Claire's eyes grow two sizes as she pictures what is probably a bloody werewolf scene.

"I doubt it. He wants you to be happy. So he will go along with it. After a few weeks or so just tell Quil that you are over boys your age. Tell Quil that you are too mature for them."

"Nessie! You're a genius!"

"So I've been told," I joke. "But will you do me a favor Claire?"

"Sure."

"Don't grow up too fast."

"You sound like my mom."

"Well I did grow up fast. And I wish I could go back and redo some of it."

"Can I ask you another personal question?"

"Sure sure."

"Do you and Jacob…you know?" No, I don't know. I'm waiting on her to finish the question because unlike Dad, I have no access to her mind. "Do you have sex?" she finally asks very bluntly.

"No!" I burst out. Composing myself, I add, "Not yet. Why?"

"I just was curious. I mean I don't want to talk about it with my mom and I had some questions."

"Maybe you should go to Emily with this one. I mean she obviously is doing that." I don't know why I'm acting so childish, but I'm a blushing fool.

"I know. I just wanted to talk to someone a little younger, you know?"

I do know. I had the hardest time going to Mom when I was wondering things. "Well if it isn't a too specific question I might be able to answer it," I suggest already regretting the decision.

"I was just gonna ask if it's safe…like with a werewolf?"

"Well it's not like he would phase in the act," I respond.

"But I mean, Quil is a big guy. Could he like smush me?"

I remember having these thoughts when I was younger. I always wondered if kids who were raped broke bones from the weight. "Quil would never hurt you," I answer because I know it is true. "And I think when you get a little older you will enjoy the weight of his body over yours. It's hard to describe, but it actually feels good to be a little smushed."

She blushes the tinniest bit. For once I am not. I feel totally sure of my answer. "Well thank you," Claire responds. "I miss hanging out with you."

"I miss it too."

"I think I'm gonna go to bed now," she says as she stands. I think today has been awkward enough for both of us.

"Me too," I reply. "Night Claire."

"Night." As she leaves I allow myself to smile. I actually helped someone today. It felt good.