Title: 17. Fitly to themselves most hard to bear

Pairing/Character/s: Yuki/Machi

Word Count: (589 words)

Summary: She wonders what to do when Death knocks on her door.

Dedication: "Second Time Around" by Sunfreak, a Naruto Jiraiya/Tsunade fanfic. It totally inspired this. I went crazy trying to find it again! How the hell did I even end up there? I have way too much free time.

A/N: I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. I thought the quote meant people denying their bad qualities. The style's different, too, isn't it? Edited 5/15/2010

When you're young, you don't think much about dying. Because you're young. Because you have all the time in the world. Because right now Yuki is waiting for you at the restaurant. He is expecting you to arrive. Later on your daughter will be waiting for you to pick her up. You have two people who love you and need you. There's no way it could happen to you. Not now.

But you see it everyday. You see it happen to old people, to bad people, to strangers. It could happen to your daughter. Your husband. You. Sometimes when you have too much time to think you wonder if it will break you when Death knocks on your door.

Because no matter what, you aren't ready to face up to it.

But isn't that OK? Because you won't die. Because you're Machi Sohma and you're only 26 and Yuki, your husband, loves you too much for it to happen.

Some part of you knows that the end could come at any moment. It doesn't matter if you're a good person, if you're married, if you're a mother, if you're successful, if you're finally making friends. The thought is heavy, and it slows you down.

Don't you have friends who love you? Don't you have a child to raise, a husband to call, a promotion to work towards?

So you pack away the fear and keep going. You forget.

One day, you're at the doctor's office. You can't stand a place so full of life and death. You listen to the doctor, who complains that Yuki's cholesterol is a little high, and you...

He pauses; it nearly kills you. Yuki holds your hand because if he's there, you're OK. He smiles when the doctor congratulates you. You're carrying your second child. You splutter, laughing and crying but ultimately seeking his comfort.

Its true, isn't it? You're too young to die. It won't happen; not yet. Not now.

When you get home, Yuki hugs you. His relief spills over into a shuddering breath. You wrap your arms around him, remembering this moment. Remember the warmth of his body, his hands on your waist, his sigh hissing in your ears and make it last forever and ever.

And silently you hope memories like this one, the kind that remind you why you're living, will be enough for the people you leave when you die.

So even if you died tomorrow, (which you can't because you're carrying a child who deserves to live) it might be OK. Yuki will remember the way you loved him and he'll surely understand why you left him. Your daughter will be fine; he's an amazing dad. Your friends will yell at you, but they will accept it. You will accept it.

Things change the next day. Your daughter helps change Yuki's diet. She eats the awful, bland oatmeal everyday and pretends it's delicious. He plays along.

Sometime in the future, maybe fifty or sixty years from now, you two are alive and healthy. Your eyes suddenly fill with tears as you remember that moment. Yuki laughs at you, but you resist the urge to whack him. In turn, he hugs you. He silently promises to stay with you forever. There's so much pain in leaving. Who could ever understand it?

Maybe he doesn't stay forever. Maybe he leaves to buy groceries. Maybe you feel cheated and stupid all at the same time.

But maybe, forever is a cruel trick to play on something as delicate as love.