Thorin was sweating, his waist wrapped in a white towel to cover his private parts, as he sat in the elven sauna. He'd turn his head to the right and get a friendly wave from an unnamed male elf who was also enjoying the steam, Thorin would turn away his gaze and not respond in any way.
"I thought you said it'd be private, Bilbo." He commented to the hobbit sitting on his left, for what felt like was the umpteenth time.
"They aren't touching you, are they? Just try and relax, Thorin. I thought that if you came here we might be able to talk." Bilbo attempted to work his way up to admitting his feelings.
"Talk? We converse all the blasted time, what makes this place so special?" He raised a brow at his companion, thick headed as usual.
"I don't know, it's just I thought maybe we could try being more open to one another, share our feelings better..."
"Halt. I refuse to let you make this into a damned sissy sit down. Keep your hobbit secrets to yourself, Bilbo. I'm not interested." Of course, this only made Bilbo feel bad so his mouth stayed shut.
With an indifferent 'humph', the hobbit moved from his position next to Thorin, towards a steaming pool of water that had natural looking soaps and skin ointments to use placed next to it. Sinking his frustrated body into the warmth of the water lessened his annoyed attitude, his hands unwrapping the towel so that he could clean himself thoroughly with the vast array of cleansing supplies.
Thorin watched quietly as his hobbit went off towards the pool of water, positioned in the center of the room. His face twitched lightly as he noticed Bilbo fling off his towel, from Thorins point of view he didn't see the nakedness of the hobbit, but he knew that the fellow was undoubtedly bare. All that Thorin could see of the other was his back and head, his beady eyes narrowed as the dwarf watched a little too interestedly the hobbit begin soaping himself up.
Maybe, the dwarf had been too hard on the talkative hobbit, perhaps he had only wanted an honest and private word with the king. Then again, this fool of an elf with them didn't exactly make the dwarf feel comfortable enough to just gab about anything with Bilbo. Let alone personal stuff, he'd rather choke on poisoned mead before speaking of personal matters in front of a listening elf.
Now, if that elf wasn't there to listen in on them, then maybe Thorin would be more willing to talk with Bilbo over whatever his little heart was set on. A thought came to the dwarf king as he smiled mischievously to himself. He knew of one way to get the unwanted company gone without killing the bastard. Thorin's brow furrowed as he concentrated hard, hard enough that finally a loud sound tore from him in a very unpleasant manner. The once smiling elf was now frowning deeply, his fingers holding his touchy nose as he moved away from Thorin, turning tail towards the saunas exit.
"Works every time." He ginned as he watched the male elf cough and hack in a hurry to get away from the gassy dwarf.
With the eavesdropper taken care of, Thorin stood from his spot and walked calmly down to the bathing hobbit, stepping into the warm water and slipping off his towel. His back was facing the hobbit as he sank lower into the waters, hiding his lower half in the steaming warmth of the liquid as he turned to appraise his companion nonchalantly.
"Good grief, what is that smell?!" Bilbo blurted out as the king coyly responded that the elf had let loose a smell unholy before exiting the sauna.
"I had no idea that elves could do such a smelly thing..." Bilbo shook his head in wonder, having held the timeless creatures at such a high standard.
"Anyway, with him gone, I am willing to listen to whatever your hobbit heart was trying to say. Just hurry up about it before I decide to change my mind, Bilbo. You know I've a hard time with heart to heart conversations and the like." He urged the other, his hands searching around for soap. While waiting for his hobbit to speak, he began smelling the different types of soap, so many of them were girly in the dwarfs opinion! Lavender, jasmine, honeysuckle, by all that is holy, why were they all so feminine?! Finally Thorin came across a plain colored soap that smelled neutral, so he started scrubbing the stuff all over his body.
Bilbo, bless his heart, was feeling a wee bit nervous as he tried to find the right words, his mind preoccupied until he noticed Thorin soaping up with a strange looking item. The hobbit quickly realized what the object was and went to move closer to take it away from the dwarf.
"Thorin, give me that."
The dwarf eyed Bilbo uncertainly as he held tight to his rather slimy bar of soap. "What is it, want me to scrub your back with this, hobbit?" Thorin teased the other, who only shook his head and tried reaching for the used soap.
Thorin played keep away with the hobbit, reaching his arms up high as the shorter fellow hopped about the king to try and retrieve the item.
In his frustration, Bilbo burst out to his teasing friend what he was using for soap, "It's rendered down troll fat, Thorin!"
This news made the king slouch, his arms dropping like they were lead as the hobbit grabbed the slimy object from his friends hand. "They use it as a base to make soaps, but this one wasn't properly made yet." He continued to enlighten the unhappy looking dwarf.
"I've been wiping troll fat all over my body?!" The dwarf ground out his words, his once limp hands now forming fists.
"Just take one of the other soaps and use it, Thorin." Bilbo handed over the bar that he had been using.
"Why did you let me rub that nasty thing all over my body before telling me what it was?! I could get a blasted rash from that slimy fat!" He glared at the hobbit accusingly, Bilbo shrugged his shoulders at the miffed dwarf.
"I was busy thinking. It was too late once I did notice. You're a big dwarf, I figured you'd know what soap was and what troll fat looked like." Bilbo mouthed his opinion, Thorin feeling only more frustrated and pissy with his companions explanation.
-0-0-
After the two had gotten clean and dried off, they headed over to the stables to check on Minty. Thorin greeted his pony the way a man greeted his canine companion.
"Hello my pretty girl, have they been treating you kindly my sweet Minty?" He cooed to her in a gentle way not many had heard him speak. Bilbo was always amazed at how different Thorin's attitude was around his favorite pony.
"You're mare there is in heat, she's been driving Lord Elrond's prized stallion mad." An elf working the stable commented to the visiting dwarf and hobbit.
"That's my Minty, such a tease." He chuckled at his pony, caressing her muzzle fondly before turning to the elf.
"See that your prized stallion stays right where he is. I don't want my Minty defiled by any elf's horse." He warned with such predigest, making Bilbo feel embarrassed by being with the dwarf.
"Lord Elrond's stallion would never be allowed to mount such a small pony, he would surly crush her in his effort to procreate." The elf spoke back to the dwarf.
"Small?!" Thorin eyed the elf like he was an Orc ready to be slain.
"Now Thorin..." Bilbo gripped the dwarfs upper arm and held him back from doing anything physical to the wide eyed looking elf. The stable hand had meant no harm in his comment, but Thorin was too protective of his mare's honor to let the small comment slide.
"I'll have you know that she is the tallest pony in my kingdom, her height is close to that of a regular sized horse!" He spoke in a matter of fact way to the listening elf.
"Come on, Thorin. We don't want any trouble today." Bilbo urged the other, still holding onto the aggressive minded companion.
"Fine, Bilbo. We're going." He humphed and turned away from the weary eyed elf. Giving Minty another caress before leaving the stables with his hobbit in tow.
-0-0-
Elrond had gotten over the mental image of Thorin, replacing it with the thought of his wife every time he felt an episode about to happen. He now was sitting at the head of the dinner table, making small talk with Bilbo as they all enjoyed their meal. Thorin was quiet as he ate, actually pecking at other types of food like the seasoned mushrooms and onions. Even Bilbo had tried the differently cooked mushrooms, finding their flavor unique to his taste buds.
Unknown to them, those mushrooms had been the kind you're not meant to consume. It just so happened that the elf Thorin had shooed away with his rude fart was one of the cooks. He had been very insulted by the stinky dwarf and decided to play a trick on the other. He knew that Lord Elrond disliked mushrooms, and wouldn't bother his master with the food item. It wasn't deadly by any means, it'd just make the dwarf speak his mind and behave rather oddly.
The mushrooms were starting to work, Thorin started making weird conversation about raspberries. Bilbo, who also had eaten the bad fungi, started laughing and talking about how raspberries had made Thorin walk around his halls with a giant "trouser snake". Very impolite table conversation, but the host tried his best to not be rude to the guests as they oddly giggled and spoke of such silliness that it was on the verge of absurd!
"Perhaps you two should consider settling down for the evening, I think the wine has gotten the best of you." Elrond politely made the comment, watching uncertainly as the hobbit and dwarf rose from their seats and started for their rooms. Not even a polite good evening as they left! Oh well, it had to be the wine, what else could have made them so tipsy?
-0-0-
The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien
A/N: The next chapter may have some intimate Bagginshield moments, I know this is a humor story, and intend to keep the laughs going, but these two are going to have a small, serious moment soon and I want you readers ready for it. Thorin is going to open up to Bilbo, and Bilbo tells Thorin personal stuff as well.