A/N: Thanks to everyone for the reviews! Your comments on solving the mystery are all very exciting, but I won't be revealing whether you are correct this soon! I'm such a tease I know—just like Blue Eyes!!
Stephanie Meyer owns all things twilight.
Chopin's Nocturne and Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata are found easily on youtube!
Eternal Thanks to Dani, HK and DC!!
Chapter 7 – Madness and Melodies
I sat across from Ms. Hiller in the interview room, watching as she fidgeted with her sleeves. Her hair was disheveled and her shoulders were slumped. We had been in session for 20 minutes, but she was barely speaking except for 'yes' or 'no' answers. I had avoided the topic of God or her delusions up until now, attempting to discuss her family and outside interests. Banging my head against the wall would have been equally effective.
Good thing Carlisle gave you a one year contract!
I placed my clipboard on the table and uncrossed my legs, leaning in to attempt eye contact.
"Ms. Hiller? Can I call you Landie? I'd like to hear your message now."
She made eye contact while nodding in affirmation. "My message?"
Two words! That's the most I've obtained thus far!
"Yes, your message. The one God wants you to spread?" I nodded in affirmation; earnestly pleading she would let me in.
She brightened immediately, giving me hope for the session. I was concerned that James had given her such high levels of antipsychotic and sedative-hypnotic medications since admission. For the past three weeks she had been rocking silently in her chair while staring off into space. Her progress notes consisted of one liners stating 'No change' or 'Increase dose'.
Speaking to Carlisle about James' incompetent behavior was at the top of my to-do list. Until then, my goals for Ms. Hiller included decreasing the am dosing of her meds. I had hoped that the change would allow her to communicate more fully in the afternoons.
"He demands to be heard," Landie continued.
"So tell me. I'd like to hear."
"His words, his commandments, his call to freedom, all need to be heard. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!" She recited robotically.
"He wants me to praise him?" I asked intently, realizing she was assessing my response.
"He wants you to listen. It's your choice whether to obey."
"I see. And God has told you this directly? Like we are talking now?"
"Yes. And in my dreams," she added.
I was trying to decipher whether this was in fact a delusion, or if Ms. Hiller was displaying a culturally appropriate response given her spiritual and faith background. I had noticed in her record that her father was a minister for a conservative protestant church. Her entire childhood was based inside the church, including her role as the assistant organist.
Landie had recently moved to Seattle for graduate school, excelling in the first semester. It was then that her roommate noticed her not eating. The increasing paranoia and statements of God and Satan's attack caused the University to contact the Retreat. Her family had refused treatment within the University system in Seattle, but was in favor of the program Carlisle offered.
I wondered if the messages from God were merely her thoughts she described, or if she was truly hallucinating. "Landie, why does Satan want to stop you?"
She froze in place, crossing her arms over her chest. I leaned back in my chair, sighing but not asking anymore. One of the biggest obstacles in treating a patient with delusional disorder was the risk of becoming incorporated into the delusion.
I knew I had pushed her too far, as she was already paranoid. "You know what? Perhaps it's better we don't talk about that now. I'd like to think about your message more. Would you like to discuss it tomorrow?"
She smiled and uncrossed her arms.
Yes!
We ended the session and I walked her back into the day-area. It was then that I noticed James leaning across the counter of the nursing station. "Can I speak with you a moment James?"
"Of course, Bella," he murmured.
I turned and headed towards the consultation room.
I bet he's staring at my ass—I can feel it!
Shoot. Me. Now.
He followed behind me in his white coat, sitting with one leg propped up on the desk. I remained standing.
"What's up Chief?" James smirked.
I ignored the disrespectful use of title and, as believably as possible, smiled.
You can't kick him in the groin Bella.
"I wanted to discuss Ms. Hiller with you, James. Well, hearing your views on all the cases I inherited would be helpful, but specifically hers."
He smiled and nodded, but I felt as if he hadn't heard a single word coming out of my mouth.
Nevertheless I continued, determined to confront him. "I just finished a session with her today and I think significant progress was made. She even spoke in coherent sentences."
"You're welcome," He oozed.
"Welcome?"
"Yes. I figured the meds would kick in eventually, good timing for you, good planning for me, I suppose."
Ignore him.
Punch him.
"I'm glad that you mentioned the meds James. I'm very concerned about the high doses she was being prescribed. And have you not been attempting therapy with her since admission?"
He laughed in a patronizing manner. "No, Bella. She's grossly psychotic, with a first break of Schizophrenia; I'm not a glutton for wasting my time."
"I'm not convinced of that. And why was Alice not consulted? She could have attempted therapy or further testing to affirm your diagnosis?"
James ignored me and stretched out his hand, pulling a loose hair from my shoulder that was noticeable against my brown vest. He cocked his head and examined it between his fingers before dropping it to the ground. During this maneuver he continued to smile at me.
I watched in disbelief with my eyes shooting daggers through his teeth.
I think I'm going to retch.
Violent emesis – all over his face.
"I don't know, Bella. But I suppose those are good ideas." He shrugged. "You know, I do agree that we should discuss the cases more thoroughly than the cursory check-out we had yesterday."
I nodded confidently.
Ya think?
"How about this afternoon?" James asked. "Oh, wait. I have a late session." He frowned. "We could meet in the staff conference room later tonight, I'll order some food?"
No way in hell buddy.
"I can't. I have plans this evening." Rio would shake his nub with pride over his afternoon walk being my date.
"That's too bad. I keep my schedule tight these days. I could write you a transfer note for each of them? Might take me a while…"
I knew he was manipulating me, but my concern over the residents was more important than my repulsion to this prick. "How about lunch, James? A working lunch. You have to eat right?"
He grinned, making his beady eyes grow smaller. "Sounds great, Bella. Does tomorrow work for you? We'll go off campus to this Italian restaurant."
"Tomorrow works, but I prefer sushi. We can order in, and meet in my office. Easier to eat and work that way. I'll see you there around 1:00?" I walked out of the room before he could respond.
I faintly heard an "OK, Bella" as the door closed behind me. The information from him was crucial and I was determined to get it. My intentions were to gather more details of his care before speaking with Carlisle. The last thing I wanted to do was report a colleague unjustly or ill prepared. If there was justification, then I would report him. I could tell from my encounters with James that he was skilled in deception. Carlisle likely had no idea of the less than extraordinary care James was providing.
I finished patient sessions for the day and crashed in my office to start paperwork and emails. My mind was racing concerning Landie and her presentation. When Alice popped by to say goodnight, I stopped her.
"Hey, Alice? Can I run something by you?"
"Sure, Bella!" She came skipping into the room, plopping down on the winged arm chair in front of my desk.
I recalled the session with Landie as well as my concerns about James. Alice was irritated immediately, confirming that he almost never consulted her on cases unless the other physicians asked for testing, etc. We talked about how I should inform Carlisle, given the delicacy of the situation with me just starting here.
"Even more important, Alice, this girl has been sitting here for weeks. She's been over-medicated and I'm not even sure if this is a Delusional Disorder. I definitely don't think its Schizophrenia. I just need more time with her, and information."
"Bella—there are great resources in the library, at the back of the west wing, on the second floor. Plus they will order any journal articles not in print online."
"Great! I think I'll head there now. I owe you one already."
"Then I'll collect already!" Alice beamed. "Esme is having a dinner party this weekend, you have to come!"
I rolled my eyes reflexively. Social gatherings were not something I attended willingly.
"We'll see."
"Belllllaaaa, I need a wing-woman!!"
"Hmm, really now? And for whom, exactly, will I be giving you wing-woman support? Could it be a blonde haired, knife wielding, sweet talking chef?"
She grinned mischievously.
"I knew it!! What's going on between the two of you?" I prodded.
"Nothing!" Alice's hands went up in surrender. "I keep thinking he's gonna make a move, but then he doesn't." She looked genuinely disappointed.
"So why don't you make it then?"
Alice laughed. "There's too much at stake. We've known each other too long, and his friendship means the world to me. If he isn't interested in taking things beyond that, then I'm not going to chance it."
"Well…" I paused, "He seemed interested in you getting a pet snake. Maybe he has one in mind?"
Alice giggled and threw a designer pillow over the desk towards my head. It was one she had insisted I buy. "You! You are just what I needed around here! So you'll come?"
Ducking the pillow missile, I laughed in return, "Yeah Alice, I'll be there."
Alice bounced out of the chair and blew me a kiss goodbye.
I finished my paperwork and headed out, deciding to stop by the library before leaving. I meandered through the halls and upstairs, finding it at the end of the wing. Just as Alice promised, the library held an amazing collection of literature, texts and journals. Sifting through the available resources was overwhelming, and I lost track of time while I collected articles that might be useful. The large windows down the far wall began to cast shadows from the setting sun. This resulted in lamps being turned on successively throughout the room on dark mahogany tables meant for reading.
I finally remembered my promise to jog with Rio and decided to leave. Stopping by the front desk, I asked the clerk to hold many of the titles for me to return tomorrow. With the information I already had, I was more confident in my decision making process for Landie. Strategizing in my mind what the next steps should include was exciting.
I stood outside the library door, fumbling with my keys and ID. I wanted to make sure I had all my belongings since I am notorious for leaving things behind. I took a few steps before I heard faint music playing in the background.
Not just music, but the beautiful melancholic sound of Chopin's Nocturne echoed softly down the long corridor. It reverberated along the walls of wooden paneling and marble tiled floor, filling the hall and my mind with its sadness. I followed the sound, drawn as a moth to a flame, my heart stirring to the sorrow of the melody.
The last room across from the library's entrance was illuminated and the door slightly ajar. I walked to the entrance and froze, reading the bronze placard on the wall which was engraved with the words 'Music Therapy'. Through the opening I could see it was a relatively small recital hall, with a baby grand piano in the center of the room. I saw Edward sitting at the piano, his hands on the keys but not playing. He was instead listening to the music from the sound system. The look on his face was deep in thought, full of misery, and broken.
You can't fix him!
How do you know that?
Maybe I can.
I remembered my comment the day of our group chat, when I had mentioned Chopin. I wondered if he was one of Edward's favorite composers, as he was mine. A part of me wanted to silently leave, but a greater part wanted nothing more than to hold him, to soothe him, to understand him. I pushed the door open while taking a deep breath and walked in.
"Hello, Edward."
He turned suddenly, realizing he was no longer alone. I knew instantly by his frown that he was uncomfortable being seen so vulnerable, so I did the only thing I could.
Antagonize him.
"Should you be playing such depressing music to our residents? Isn't that like handing over a loaded gun? Maybe I should insist on you coming to treatment team."
The anxiety on his face dissolved away and was replaced by indignation and irritation.
Better. Much better.
"Hmm, Isabella. I was wondering how long it would take for you to find me at work, what with your voyeur tendencies. I suppose I've not given you ample opportunity on the patio?"
I could feel the blush rising up my neck as he rose from the piano bench, walking towards his desk which was littered with papers and sheet music.
He began to pack up his things. "Would you like me to walk you out? You could get a better look that way." His gaze was direct and unwavering, clearly challenging me.
"Sure, Edward, I'll walk you out. If it will stop you from playing any further despondent melodies that could spurn an eavesdropping resident to self harm."
"You like Chopin, remember?" Edward asked, walking right up beside me.
He remembered too.
"Besides, if I wanted them suicidal I would be playing Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. You know that one, Bella?"
He reached over slowly causing the electricity to surround us. My heart pounded and I could smell his scent in the air. The movement caused my body to react swiftly, as my legs shook and I felt the goose bumps ripple over my skin. I wasn't sure what was about to happen, but I held my breath. Even my inner Bella was silent with anticipation.
Whoa
Edward leaned in and flicked the light switch off behind my shoulder, lingering for the briefest of moments. He inhaled deeply beside my neck but then stepped away, holding the door for me to leave.
Get a grip Girl!
"Yes, I do, like Chopin. If I'm in a contemplative mood. Please tell me you use other things with the residents, right?" I steadied myself and began counting my steps obsessively, hoping he wouldn't realize I had almost melted into a puddle.
"What would you suggest, Shri–, I mean, Doc? What music would you recommend?"
Uhoh. How does he pinpoint every one of my issues?!
"I'm, uh, not the best, uh, person to consult on musical selections."
"Really? You mean Dr. Swan is musically ignorant? Are you going to admit that someone such as me actually has superior knowledge on a subject?"
"I'm saying that my musical knowledge and perspective is still building," I retorted.
"Well let me know when it's close to climax, then. Being a music connoisseur I'd like to observe the achievement."
I kept my eyes on the ground, grabbing my keys as we reached the parking lot.
Oh my God. Blue Eyes is flirting with me!
I may explode right here if he keeps looking at me like that.
"I'll do that, Edward. But it may take a while since I enjoy the anticipation of new climaxes in my life."
"Taking time for the buildup is a requirement. Nothing worth having comes quickly, Bella."
He froze beside his car door, his eyes undressing me as the wind tousled my hair. I realized both of us were weighing the situation and the undeniable pull we felt when around each other.
Ask him!
"True."
True?
Dork!
Shut Up!
"I think I'm gonna take Rio for a jog on the trails this afternoon. Would you like to join us?"
His face didn't respond initially, but then I could see the light in his eyes darken. "No Isabella, I don't think that's a good idea. But I'll see you around."
Edward pulled away, heading towards the front gate as I drove home in embarrassment.
You know that someone like him is never going to like you, Bella.
Maybe I was projecting my own feelings onto his words? How could I face him each day without feeling even more insecure?
*****
I met Rio at the door and dressed quickly. He was jumping two feet off the ground while whining his Boxer growl as I tied my shoes. We headed out for a long run on the trail beside our cottage. I left my iPod behind, since music was the last thing I wanted to hear. I kept re-living the conversation over and over in my mind, creating different responses and imagining different outcomes. After forty-five minutes and a very happy Rio I still felt depressed. I had made a fool of myself, again.
*****
My hair was wet from the shower but I couldn't wait any longer. I walked over to my laptop with a towel wrapped around me, logging on without sitting down. I paced back and forth and dried my hair, staring at the screen while it punished me with a 'systems check'. Would Blue Eyes be online? If he was, did it matter? I knew he was home, since his car was there and I had noticed the light coming from his front windows.
You really are a peeping Shrink, huh?
[E Cullen is online.]
I dropped my towel and sat down, preparing myself for another possible interaction.
Or nothing.
The minutes ticked by, but only the green dot remained. I felt a sinking feeling in my chest, with all of my insecurities weighing down on me. I played a game of solitaire, checked email and surfed YouTube for an hour. James had sent me an email saying he needed to cancel tomorrow, which was no big surprise. I responded with a request to meet as soon as possible, frustrated over his passive aggressive behavior. My hair was dry and my body was exhausted. The day's events had taken their toll. I could feel my eyelids closing against my will, and the words on the screen becoming blurry.
[E: Why are you still awake Bella?]
Am I hallucinating?
I shook my head and looked again. His message was still there, jolting me wide awake.
[B: I have trouble sleeping.]
[E: So do I.]
My excitement from his IM gave way to the reminder of his earlier rejection today.
What the hell?
Perhaps his fits of disclosure only occur after the bewitching hour has passed. I wanted to punish him for the control his attention held over me, but instead I was silent.
[E: Should I let you go? You're very quiet tonihgt.]
[B: Did you mean 'tonight'? No. I'd like to talk to you. But your mood swings are giving me a migraine.]
[E: What are you, the spelling monitor?]
[B: I'm a tad bit obsessive.]
[E: I noticed. And I'm sorry about earlier today.]
[B: It's ok. I understand.]
[E: You understand? I highly doubt that, Bella. What do you think you understand?]
Sigh.
He's going to make me say this, isn't he?
Of course he is.
I felt incapable of withholding from him, leaving me vulnerable to his questions and hypotheses. Was Blue Eyes my personal Achilles' heel?
[B: I've only been in one relationship, Edward, and that was one of convenience. I understand how I'm seen by others. I'm smart, and I'm more determined than most, but that intimidates people.]
[E: You're also beautiful.]
Gasp.
Was it possible that my heart just stopped, only to beat again for the first time? How could I respond to such a statement that I longed to be true, but questioned from the depths of my soul?
[E: No response? Amazing—Bella is at a loss for words.]
[B: Perhaps you haven't seen me clearly, given your cursory exits every time I'm around.]
[E: I have your picture from the welcome announcement. You're beautiful Bella.]
[B: You kept my picture?]
[E: Yes. It was mailed to me.]
[B: It was mailed to all the staff.]
[E: Are you going to analyze me now?]
[B: Why do people always assume I'm analyzing them? That's the most annoying thing about being a psychiatrist. Plus, if you're going to keep a picture of me it's only fair I get one of you.]
[E: I know you've been trying to figure me out since day one, Bella, so don't deny it. Here's a hint—I'm not worth the trouble. And No—you can't have a picture of me.]
[B: *pouts* I just wanted to see if the hype was true about your locks, all I've ever seen was your buzz cut. Very self deprecating are we? How negatively narcissistic of you!]
[E: You're not the only one who can assess people. You're too good for me. In fact, it would be best if we weren't friends. What can I do to make you see that?]
[B: Send me a picture and I'll consider it.]
Silence.
His comments about my beauty were staggering. I couldn't believe that someone like him would find me attractive. Yet he followed the compliment by pushing me away. Was he just being nice since I'm this nosey neighbor who's been antagonizing him since we met? Was he afraid that I'd become hostile if rejected, or leave the Retreat like the other psychiatrists?
He's constantly rejecting you.
I know!
I had no idea what to make of Edward Cullen. The lack of response was driving me slowly mad, but I was given a reprieve when his name appeared again.
[E: Consider it.]
[E Cullen is now offline.]
An attachment was sent with the final message. I clicked on the link and a picture slowly uploaded onto my laptop. Locks of beautiful golden brown hair with reddish highlights were seen first, progressing to the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, and lips that I dreamt of having pressed against mine. A personal photo of Blue Eyes, with hair, stared back at me. It caused my breath to catch. His words echoed in my mind and I felt myself fighting the truth that I knew would make me incapable of staying away from him.
I'm in Love.
A/N: Send a review will ya? BlueEyes will stare at your pic while I read it!