A/N: Thanks for all the responses you gave! Sometimes I feel like writing this is just a way of rambling to myself…but when you comment, I remember that I'm not alone, or psychotic!
SM owns twilight
Chapter 11 – Idleness and Insomnia
I unzipped my dress, watching it cascade onto the floor in a billowing heap. My body was numb, my soul silent. I had dared to believe that someone I loved would want me in return. I had dared to believe I was worthy of love. I had dared to reach out to him, and now he was gone.
Walking slowly into the room, I logged onto my laptop. I prayed my eyes would see salvation in the form of E Cullen is online. An empty welcome screen met me instead. It mocked me relentlessly.
Just make it through tonight, chica.
I showered and dried my hair, then cleansed my face twice. Anything to occupy myself was better than watching the clock tick by. Making my way to the bedroom, I stopped by the computer again. The screen was unchanged from before. I was powerless against the urges to recheck, even though I knew that only disappointment waited for me.
Rio went outside for his nightly routine and I stood on the patio staring at Edward's darkened windows. I saw only my reflection.
After folding the laundry and ironing my slacks for Monday, I lied down for bed. Realizing that sleep was out of the question, I began counting the ceiling imperfections.
Another hour passed and I went to the fridge for water, once again walking by my laptop. It was in sleep mode, which I quickly woke, just to torture myself once more.
Nothing.
Sitting alone in the dark, I could feel my erratic pulse. It was no doubt the manifestation of my broken heart trying to beat. Silent tears began flowing down my cheeks, hitting the back of my hands. I reached up to brush them away, but my fingers touched my lips. The sensation reminded me of Edward.
Kissing blue eyes was the most sensual feeling I had ever experienced. I could still taste him on my tongue. I could still smell him in the air. Where did he go? And what was so urgent that he couldn't give an explanation? I doubled over in pain, pushing down the gnawing emptiness inside.
Sunday blurred past me in a daze. I went to Charlie's for most of the day and cleaned around his permanent clutter. Fixing meals which could be frozen for future use was my favorite thing to do when worried. Rio hung out on Dad's lap while they watched football together. Being away from the Retreat helped my ruminations over Edward's disappearance. But I was still reminded of him constantly.
The timer going off on the stove struck a chord.
Edward was never late.
Dad mentioned getting his hair cut and my mind wandered.
His locks were getting longer.
Dusting the old piano in our den, which was never used, made me think of him playing his baby grand.
Sigh.
Blue Eyes.
Stop moping!
Idleness allowed the thoughts to filter through, each one worse than before. I pushed myself tirelessly throughout the day to stay busy. When I pulled into my drive that night, I was exhausted.
The alarm clock hit six a.m., and I hit the off button before it sounded. Another sleepless night was in the books.
Arriving early to work was indicative of a problem for me, but no one seemed to find it irregular. I checked on Ms. Hiller first and was thrilled she had slept better in the new room.
At least one of us slept.
I wanted to mention the music therapy to Landie in our session, but I had no idea if, or when, Edward would return. Instead, I focused on supporting her in the psychological testing which Alice would perform. Her paranoia remained right under the surface. I noticed that she became quieter whenever I mentioned her friends in Seattle, or her family. My own energy was depleted from the lack of sleep, so I didn't focus on pushing the matter.
When I left Ms. Hiller's room, I saw Jessica standing at the nurses' station. Mike was by her side. She laughed flirtatiously while he responded in kind. I walked by hesitantly, hoping not to interfere in the moment.
"Hey Bella!" They both called out excitedly.
"Hey guys. How are you?" My attempts at going undetected failed.
"Great! Things are great Bella!" Mike beamed his usual grin.
"We jogged four miles this morning before work, and Mike thinks I'll be able to do the 8k run with him next month if we train!" Jessica bounced with enthusiasm.
If the mood became any happier I was going to need an emesis bag.
Seriously?
On a Monday morning?
I felt guilty begrudging their good time, but my lack of sleep and their constant smiling was making me nauseated by the minute. Some people seemed too pleasant for their own good. I was glad that Mike and Jessica had hit it off, but I couldn't celebrate with them, or anyone, in my present state.
I nodded a few times to their chatter before taking the nursing report over to one of the portable computer terminals in the sitting area. There were large windows overlooking the garden which was full of birds and squirrels in the morning. I decided to sit while reviewing the weekend notes. Being idle and alone in my office was not an option.
Still deep in thought, I heard a voice which made me kick myself for not using the office.
Creepo.
James waltzed in, greeting all the female staff, shortening their names as usual. He walked up to me and smiled brightly. I groaned under my breath without eye contact.
"Hey Bel-, You got a sec?" he asked.
First of all, we both knew he would take more than a second of my time. And second, I was really beginning to dislike this guy.
Hate even.
"Actually James, I'm kind of busy." I continued to look down.
Like he didn't notice that already.
"Well I just wanted to say, you looked beautiful this weekend. I didn't get the chance to talk to you Friday night, and it bothered me all day yesterday." His presence was suffocating.
This can't be happening.
The man I loved ran away from me, and the man I hated wouldn't leave me alone.
"Um, thanks James. But I really am busy, here." My head stayed down.
"Sure, Bel, sure. I'm just here to meet my new patient, the senile old geezer. His son is bringing him in this morning." His tone was disrespectful.
I rolled my eyes blatantly at his lack of empathy. He ignored me, and sat down onto the neighboring table top with one leg dangling off.
"And here they are now!" James stood abruptly.
Thank you, Jesus.
Mr. Pulsifer's son was a general surgeon, and close friend of Carlisle. His dad was an elder with the Skokomish Tribal Nation. He was having trouble with losing things and wandering over the past six months on the reservation. Today he was being admitted for a full assessment and work up of dementia. I cringed, remembering James was assigned as his psychiatrist.
Carlisle walked in with the Pulsifers. He introduced them to James as well as me. I greeted them and returned to my work, but watched for the potential train wreck to ensue. Carlisle returned to his office and left them to complete the check-in process. Dr. Pulsifer began explaining to his dad, once again, the need for staying at the Retreat. He asked James to describe some of the work-up that would be needed.
But of course Creepo decided to make small talk first. "We'll be going over all the tests and plans together this afternoon. You know, I have family descended from the California Cherokees, Mr. Pulsifer. I wear this as a reminder of my ancestry."
Oh brother.
James reached into his shirt and pulled out a gold chain with some type of charm attached. I couldn't make it out from across the room, but it looked cheap. Mr. Pulsifer looked warily at James, mumbling something in his native tongue before staring out the window. His son ignored the failed attempt of James to connect with his dad. Instead, he gave more information regarding the symptoms he had noticed. They talked for another ten minutes before James was paged. He excused himself while the nurses continued information gathering.
Dr. Pulsifer walked over to me while his dad was being placed in his room. "So, Isabella is it? You are the excellent new psychiatrist Carlisle is so proud of, correct?"
"I am the new psychiatrist, yes." I blushed.
"Humble, too! How refreshing for a doctor!" He laughed. His smile was genuine and friendly. "And you are from this area?"
"Yes. My dad still lives and works as the police chief in Forks. I trained in Arizona for medical school and residency, but just returned this month."
"Well I'm sorry my dad will not be working with you, since you come so highly praised. But I completely understand the process of assigning patients, and the census caps for each doctor. It was great to meet you, Bella. Let me know if there is anything you need if you're in the Seattle area. And please, call me Eric." He was polite and reserved.
"Thanks, Eric. Oh—just out of curiosity—can I ask you a question?" I couldn't help myself.
"Sure!"
"I overheard your dad speaking in his native tongue earlier, during the orientation when James was talking to him. I was curious, what did he say?" I asked.
Eric looked slightly embarrassed, and laughed under his breath. "Well, my dad can be blunt most days, Bella. He tends to do that when he's irritated."
I waited in anticipation, knowing this would be good.
"He said 'In my tribe, only the women wear gold.' That was his way of acting out I suppose, but it's true." Eric shrugged.
I looked at Eric for a moment while it sank in, then laughed heartily for the first time since Blue Eyes left.
Creepo humiliated by a patient with dementia. Nice!
"Well, looks like James has his work cut out for him!" I noted.
I walked directly to Carlisle's office, refusing to let my concerns over James be neglected any longer. Our discussion was postponed over the weekend because of Edward's phone call, but I couldn't continue to watch patients be given subpar care. Knocking on the door, I took a deep breath.
"Come in?" Carlisle spoke.
"Carlisle, I was hoping I could speak with you sometime today. I know we didn't get a chance to on Saturday." My palms were sweaty.
"Sure, Bella, please come in. What can I do for you?" He placed his book down on the table.
I sat down across from his warm smile, and noticed that he ran his hands through his hair nonchalantly.
Just like BlueEyes.
"I can't believe I'm bringing this up to you, given I've only been here briefly, but I can't ignore it in good conscience," I explained.
"Bella, please feel free to come to me with anything. I value your feedback," he assured me.
"Well I appreciate that. I wanted to talk with you now, because I have serious concerns regarding James."
"James? How so?" he asked.
"Well, the transfer of patients required me to read over and examine his treatment plans and care. I disagree with many of his assessments. In addition, the discussions of cases in treatment team have me questioning his overall competency. But the most worrisome issue is his attitude and lack of empathy for our patients." I hoped he would understand my reasons were noble.
Carlisle leaned back in his chair, absorbing the information as I spoke.
"Wow. I had no idea, Bella. He's the third locum tenens we've had, and I was desperate to keep him on until we could get you here. Perhaps I ignored the signs on purpose," he blamed himself.
"Well, I also think he's good at showing a different side when in your company, Carlisle. I don't have specifics to give you just yet, but if you could review my current cases when you get a chance, and review the care he had been providing, I think you will see for yourself where my concerns arise."
"I will, Bella, this week. Edward had mentioned something to me about James on Saturday as well, but I thought he was referring to the wine fiasco during dinner. I had promised to speak also, but he had to leave." He stared at me, his eyes piercing my armor.
I grew increasingly nervous from the silence. I knew he was waiting on me to comment. He must have seen us when entering his office that night, but I was certainly not going to try and explain.
Hell, I don't even know what happened.
It was a stand-off between who would speak first, and I won.
"Bella, I'm sorry I interrupted that night. I had no idea you two were…"
I stopped him. "We're not! I mean, there's no need to apologize, Carlisle. I was in your office." I sighed. "I seriously don't know how that happened, but it was inappropriate, and I apologize. It won't happen again, or interfere with my work."
"It's fine, Bella. Your personal business is your own. As is Edwards. I know both of you enough not to be worried over that. I was surprised in a good way, to be honest. Edward hasn't been close to any of us since coming back here. His leaving is what bothers me most, even though I know he has to." Carlisle's face dropped. The worry lines were forming across his brow.
"Is he alright? Have you heard from Edward Carlisle?" I was now the one worried.
He snapped out of his pensive stare to smile gently. "I hope so, Bella, but I haven't heard from him since he left for the airport. He's dealing with a tenuous situation, which is unfortunate on so many levels."
"I see." But I didn't see. What in the world was happening to him? Carlisle nodded in silence
That made me revolt. "Actually, I don't see. I know that Edward is hurting, it's written all over his face. And everyone seems to tell me that he's different. But no one is telling me why. Shouldn't we be trying to help him? That phone call in your office Saturday turned him pale, instantly. What's going on? Can I offer my help?"
Carlisle looked at me in shock from the outburst. He let out a deep sigh. "It's complicated, Bella. Edward is trying to deal with a situation he feels responsible for, even though I disagree. He's placed his entire life on hold, consumed by this. I had to force him to come to the Retreat this year, hoping he would be able to distance himself from an irrevocable circumstance. He's here physically, but his mind continues to be stuck in the problem. Every time I think he's coming back to us, the past sucks him back in."
That explains his self-deprecation.
"Is there anything I can do?" I pleaded.
"You already are. Your presence here has sparked life back into Edward. I'm thrilled you have connected with him. But, Bella, please be careful. For yourself, and for Edward. You're correct in your assessment of the situation. He's broken. Sadly, I'm not sure if, or when, he can be whole again. I don't want to see you hurt in this. There's already too much heartbreak." His phone rang suddenly, causing me to jump.
Carlisle answered, and spoke with his secretary about his schedule for the remainder of the day.
I realized I had taken up the last hour of his time and I stood to leave. "Thank you, Carlisle. I appreciate your candor. But I want to be there for him. It's important to me for some reason. And I refuse to believe he can't be helped. I hope he comes home soon. Thank you for listening."
"Any time, Bella. I want my son home too. And I will get back with you on James. Please, let me know if there are other concerns." He promised.
The rest of the week dragged on, culminating on Friday. I had slept a total of ten hours over five days. I had lost five pounds from the longer than normal jogs with Rio and my lack of appetite. My work schedule wasn't busy enough, so I helped Alice with her paperwork and duties. I knew I was going to be hallucinating if I didn't rest, but my mind would race whenever I stopped.
At midnight I found myself on the computer again. I was half asleep, playing solitaire, and waiting for what seemed like a ghost. Every time I would play a hand, I would stop and check for him. Every time I found only disappointment. I had lost 3 hands in a row, so I frowned at the screen as I clicked off of the games for the night. That was when my eye caught something instantly.
[E Cullen is online.]
I fell off the chair onto the floor, literally onto my butt. Jumping back up, I pulled my hair and rubbed my eyes, making sure I was awake. I typed in a quick message.
[B: Edward?]
A few minutes ticked by and I began diagnosing myself as delusional. The words stayed on the screen with no response. Then finally, he answered.
[E: Hello, Bella.]
Yes!
[B: Edward! How are you? Are you ok?]
[E: I'm better, now . Why aren't you in bed?]
[B: I can't sleep.]
[E: Me either.]
[B: Where are you?]
[E: In my bed, behind your wall, remember?]
I jumped up and ran to the front window to see his silver Volvo sitting outside. Who knew that a car could make my heart sing? I ran back to the office quickly, out of breath from the excitement.
[E: Is that a herd of elephants over there, or are you running inside the house? LOL]
[B: I was checking to see if you were really here.]
[E: I am.]
[B: I see that. ]
[E: Are you happy I'm here?]
[B: Yes. I don't think my mind could have taken much more.]
[E: Bella, I told you before, it's better if we don't get too close.]
[B: Wow. So this week has been good for you, without me?]
[E: No.]
[B: So what are you saying, exactly?]
[E: I don't want you to be hurt.]
[B: Then don't hurt me. Stop shutting me out.]
[E: That's easier said than done.]
[B: Can you at least try?]
[E: I don't know. I know I can't stop thinking about you. And I can't keep myself from contacting you.]
[B: Me either. I've been worried about you.]
[E: I'm not worth it.]
[B: I disagree. Are you going to tell me what's going on?]
[E: Not tonight. I just needed to talk to you tonight.]
[B: OK. But soon, Edward. I want explanations.]
[E: So how much did you miss me?]
[B: Enough that I almost went out and bought a snake.]
[E: Haha. Oh really? Well there's no need.]
[B: Why is that?]
[E: I have one you can pet right here.]
[B: I'll be over in two minutes.]
A/N: Reviews give you one free stroke of BlueEyes snake! (or Bella's hair—depending on your preference) LOL!