A/N: So this was a horror….I had half of the chapter written and lost my work, forcing me to re-write the entire thing. After my tantrum, I was able to finish, but I still mourn for my original words. I hope this replacement suffices!
Thanks to my peeps HK and DC! They are helping inspire and provide playlists for each chapter. You can go to my profile page and see the songs recommended for listening; I'll add more as we go.
Finally, LEMON alert! This chapter will contain lemons, or metaphorically a picture of a lemon, you've been warned. If you don't want to pucker, skip to the end of the IM chat ;)
SM owns twilight
Chapter 12 –Tangles and Tips
[E: Wait.]
[B: What?]
[E: We can't.]
[B: I knew it! Then why say it? Are you playing me?]
[E: No.]
[B: *waiting*]
[E: I'll tell you, Bella, but I want it to be face to face.]
[B: Then, I'll come over.]
[E: LOL. No way! I'm not that strong.]
[B: *Eyeroll* Right.]
[E: How about tomorrow? Would you please go for a walk with me in the morning?]
Finally!
This was the first time Edward had instigated any form of time, or contact, with me. I wanted to scream and demand he talk to me now, but I knew it was futile.
[B: Sigh. Rio would love that.]
[E: Tomorrow then. It's a non-date.]
[B: Haha. Gotcha.]
[E: So, talk to me.]
[B: Oh, so now you want me to spill my guts?]
[E: I'm not very good at words. I'm better at listening.]
[B: Hmm. Well, how about we play a game to break the ice. You give me five words, and I'll say the first thing that comes to mind, like free-association? Then I'll give you five.]
[E: Like a modified verbal Rorschach? Interesting.]
[B: Yes, just like that (intellectual show-off). Or, we could talk about the weather.]
[E: Me first.]
[B: LOL. Why am I not surprised? Go ahead.]
[E: Cold.]
[B: Frozen.]
[E: Fire.]
[B: Hot.]
[E: Hot.]
[B: BlueEyes. ;)]
[E: LOL-Imagine that.]
[E: Pain.]
[B: Healing.]
[E: Last one. Pleasure.]
[B: Mushroom.]
[E: What? Haha. Why on earth would you say mushroom?]
[B: I'm not telling you.]
[E: Boo. You know you want to tell me, sexy.]
[B: It's Bella, *wink*, and it comes from a song I like by Sublime – Caress Me Down]
[E: Oh, I know the song.]
[B: Of course you do, maestro.]
[E: But it's "mushroom tip" to be exact. So, you want to caress me down, Bella?]
[B: Yes, very much.]
[E: And how would you do it?]
Is he really asking me to describe giving him a blow job?
Does he think I won't tell him?
Hmm.
His words excited me more than any man ever had. I visualized caressing his body, wanting to share with him my deepest fantasies.
Do it. Let him see what he's missing.
[B: First, where are you exactly? And what are you wearing?]
[E: I'm sitting at my desk. I have on a tee, sweat pants, and boxers.]
[B: Hmm. Let's see. I would walk over slowly, standing in front of you and placing my hands on both shoulders. I would bend down to your neck, tasting your skin in small, wet, kisses… licking a trail up to your ear. My hands would massage your shoulders, feeling your muscles loosen under my touch through your thin tee, slowly roaming across your chest and abs. Reaching down, I would push your legs apart, stepping in between them. I would continue caressing your body while I kneeled down in front of you, my hands moving to your waist, your legs, and back again. My hair would cascade over your lap as I lean forward, slipping a hand inside your boxers, finding your mushroom tip. You would watch me, stroking it in encouragement as I pull it out. I wonder—do you think it would resist? Would it be rigid even?]
[E: Like wood.]
[B: *smile*]
[E: Don't stop.]
He's right next door with a hard on, and your IM-ing him.
I know!
[B: I'd hold your shaft in my hand, looking up as I lick the tip slowly, tasting you. My mouth surrounding you, I would suck in its entire length, my tongue caressing as I gauge how much I can taste in one pass, up and down its length. My hands would roam while I use only my mouth, developing a rhythm that causes you to moan. Mmmm. Do you think I could stroke your shaft with my hand while I taste its partners…each one deserving some attention of their own? Or would your tip be too lonely…craving my lips around it once again? Sucking and tasting, over and over, listening for that 'loving sound?']
[E: Damn.]
Giggle.
A few minutes passed and he didn't respond again.
Too much?
He asked!
My arousal had trumped any embarrassment in giving him a description of my fantasy. The truth was I had imagined doing all of those things with him, and much more. But did he want me? Was I making a fool of myself?
Why is he so quiet?
[B: You ok?]
[E: Yeah. I needed a minute.]
What did he need—OMG.
[B: Blue Eyes?]
[E:Yes?]
[B: Did you?]
[E: Dr. Bella can't say cum?]
[B: Did you?]
[E: Yes. Are you bothered?]
No, I'm turned on, you jerk!
[B: No. I'm just curious. So... do you 'come' here often? LOL]
[E: Never 'here', but often since you arrived.]
[B: Wow.]
[E: I think you should, too.]
[B: I should what?]
[E: I want you to cum for me, Bella.]
Whoa-I'm not ready for this.
Am I having internet sex?
Or is this TextSex?
Does it matter? .
[B: You do?]
[E: Yes.]
And just why does he think he deserves any requests?
[B: When I get what I want, maybe you'll get what you want.]
[E: Harsh!]
[B: *Giggle*. The truth often is. Goodnight, Blue Eyes. I'll see you in the morning.]
[E: Goodnight, beautiful. Hey, Bella—wait!]
[B: Yes?]
[E: Can you hear my music playing?]
What?
[B: No, I don't hear anything.]
[E: Hold on.]
Rio jumped before I did, alerting me to the noise. Edward's music was blasting, reverberating through the walls from next door.
[B: OK—I hear it. Why?]
[E: Just wondering. I'm going to play a song for you in a minute. Goodnight.]
[B: Goodnight, Edward!]
I sat there, flushed, excited, and sexually frustrated. The music from next door suddenly stopped and I logged off the computer. I made my way to bed, but remained sitting in the dark. I was still in a daze when I heard the music start again. 'Caress Me Down' began playing from Edward's duplex.
That tease!
I imagined him grinning as he lay in bed, knowing the affect he had on me. With a loud groan I made my way to the vanity and grabbed thumper.
There's no reason to deny myself now!
Lying down, I imagined him with me. Thumper vibrated while Edward serenaded me through the walls. I reached climax before the song was even over. My legs were quivering and my breathing was labored.
Payback will be fierce, Blue Eyes.
I woke up to Rio shaking his collar and pacing across the hardwood floor. A brush of air hit my face, accompanied by a large sigh. Opening one eye, I could see his pouting face with his jaws now on the bed. His eyebrows were raised and begging me to wake up.
"OK. Just five more minutes." I rolled over.
He whined annoyingly, resuming his pacing of the bedroom perimeter.
"Ugh, Rio! Why can't you sleep in on the weekends?"
My cell phone rang in the kitchen, causing me to mumble once again. Rio looked satisfied, knowing he was getting his wish for me to get out of bed sooner, rather than later. I stumbled to the counter, grabbing the cell and flipping it open.
"Yes?" I grumbled.
"Good morning to you, too, sunshine."
Blue Eyes.
Not only was he obsessively early, he seemed to be a morning person.
Shoot me now.
"Morning, Edward." I responded.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
Ready?
Oh crap! The walk!
"Not quite. Did we even mention a time last night?" I wiped my eyes.
"No, you seemed to be preoccupied with my comings and goings," he teased.
Haha.
"Well you've definitely mastered coming early. And leaving before things are finished, for that matter," I challenged.
"There's the Bella we all know and love." His voice seemed to smile.
"Yeah, yeah. Can you give me fifteen minutes?" I begged.
"Sure."
I showered quickly, throwing on my workout gear, baseball cap, and Adidas. Grabbing Rio's leash, I stepped outside to meet Edward.
He stood, leaning on my porch railing with two Starbucks cups in his hands. "That was twenty minutes."
"And your point is?" I scoffed.
"I'm glad I went for coffee, I hate waiting." He wore his Yankees baseball cap with jeans and a light jacket.
Handing me the tall café mocha, I wondered how he knew my java preference. His smile widened at the recognition of my surprise. I feigned a "yeah you got it right" smirk in return.
As much as he antagonized me, his very presence made my day complete. "Thanks—for the coffee."
"No problem. Want to walk the trails? I have this great place I know you'd like." Edward jumped from the porch with energy.
"Sounds good." I nodded.
We walked down the narrow path past the lake with Rio pulling on the leash excitedly. The leaves were already turning, signaling the planned arrival of colder weather. Meandering through the woods with Edward in front of me, I memorized his profile. His movements and his mannerisms were wonderful.
And his ass!
He talked about the purchase of the property and the vision Carlisle had for the entire Retreat, clearly respecting his father's devotion to healing. After approximately a mile of walking, we veered to the right into the natural wooded area.
"I don't see a trail, Edward."
"It's not an official one, Isabella."
Ugh. Does he know how clumsy I can be?
I held my tongue secondary to the concentration I had to place on not falling. My paranoia made me wonder if he was playing a trick on me, purposely getting us lost. I was about to sit on the nearest tree stump and refuse to go any farther, when I noticed a break in the woods ahead. We stepped from the underbrush into a small clearing. There was a hidden meadow nestled among the Washington forest. The tranquil beauty took my breath away, and I turned to see Blue Eyes watching me. His eyes sparkled from the sunlight on his face. He held his hand out to help me over a fallen tree trunk, and I reached out in acceptance.
Just then, Rio spotted a group of native pheasant on the far end of the meadow. He barked loudly, pulling on the leash. His wild running led him around my body and Edward's. This tactic to break free caused my legs to become tangled with the leash. Tumbling forward into Edward, my momentum toppled both of us onto the grassy ground. His body was on top of mine, our faces inches apart.
We lay there, unmoving, as Rio ran off towards the fowl. Edward stared into my eyes with a look of curiosity and angst. He leaned into my hair and inhaled, smiling in response to some inner thought.
"Are you alright, Bella?" he asked.
"Yes. I tend to be a little clumsy."
"I've noticed." We both laughed.
"Seems we are a tangled mess, Blue Eyes."
"Hmm. In more ways than one." He paused in his response, contemplating another unknown thought. The closeness of his body next to mine did things to me which was illegal in some states, I was sure. If he didn't make a move, or get off me soon, I was going to attack him. He would be ravaged like a hungry mountain lion.
He sighed. "I guess it's time to talk now."
No!
Yes!
No!
He pushed himself up off the meadow floor, and pulled me onto the fallen log beside him. We watched Rio scamper through the grass, chasing bugs and his shadow equally. I waited for him to speak, mentally counting the number of trees in the distance to calm my nerves.
"Bella, I'm not who you think I am."
I looked at him now. His face was gazing into the meadow, tortured and pale. I wanted him to explain freely, so I bit my lip as it took all my power to remain quiet.
He continued, "Yet, I find myself caring about you. More than seems reasonable, given our brief interaction. You seem to feel something, too, and I know I'm confusing you. But what you don't understand, Bella, is that I can't be with you, especially because I care about you. I carry too much baggage. And I'm not sure if it will ever be gone."
He was talking, which was an improvement, but I remained just as confused as ever. "Edward, you're right. My feelings for you are stronger than I've ever felt in my life. I can't fathom how, or why, we are drawn to each other. But the fact is I don't feel complete, unless you're with me. And your explanation of pushing me away is generic. I need details to understand. Please talk to me."
He laughed sardonically. "I don't know where to begin."
Now is as good a time as ever.
"How about we start with Tanya," I suggested.
He was stunned for a brief moment, recovering with the skill of one who hid their feelings often. "Tanya. Okay."
His affect was flat as he prepared his words. He began relaying his story, telling me as if narrating a play. "She was my girlfriend in college. We both wanted to enter the health care field, and planned our post-graduate training together. Once we left our college surroundings, the responsibilities and expectations were very different. The first two years were hectic, and I pressured myself in studies and in supporting our finances. We shared an apartment, which we could barely afford, and I'm not one to rely on hand outs from family. Tanya changed. She started skipping her nursing classes, drinking constantly. She began accusing me of cheating on her, recalling my past behaviors in college as proof of my being a 'player.' I never cheated on her, Bella."
He looked at me directly, seeking a response.
"I believe you," I assured him.
"I started spotting her outside my classes, looking through my cell phone, staying up at night and screaming at me for 'ruining her life.' She became borderline psychotic, Bella. There was nothing I could do to convince her that I was there for her, or that I was faithful. She would manipulate things for me to come home early, taking sleeping pills, and even cutting on her arms for me to find her bleeding when I arrived. I begged her to seek help, but she said I was trying to abandon her. Over time, I did begin to work longer hours on purpose. I couldn't stay home with her behavior constantly pushing me; she would leave bridal magazines on my text books, advertisements for rings on our dresser. At dinner, she would mull over baby names. I couldn't take it. I started making plans to separate from her, but I was afraid. Then, one night, she cracked. A female classmate of mine was walking to her car after work, and Tanya attacked her. I mean attacked her, Bella. She was hospitalized for weeks from the injuries. Tanya thought I was having an affair with her because she saw us having lunch together. The police took Tanya to the hospital and she was evaluated psychiatrically. The doctors felt that she was delusional at the time of the attack, and the judge agreed. Tanya was placed in a forensic psychiatric center in Canada for treatment, indefinitely, as determined by her physicians." He sat in silence.
"That's horrible, Edward."
"I'm horrible. I should have seen the warning signs. I should have forced her to seek help sooner," he argued.
"Edward, how would you have known what to look for? You can't blame yourself," I tried to reason.
He looked at me blankly, shaking his head in disagreement. "I continued to visit her over the years, attempting to work with her doctor's on her recovery. Everything I did seemed to make things worse."
"So, these were the trips you would make to Canada while the Retreat was being built?" I asked.
"Yes."
"I see. And how is she now?" my voice faltered.
"Before you arrived for your interview this summer, I had visited her. She seemed to be doing well, and I was leaving the day area when she grabbed me from behind. She cut my hair with a pair of scissors she had stolen from the nurses' station. She said, 'No one will want you without your locks.'"
"Your buzz cut?" I asked.
"That was how I fixed it, yes." He nodded.
"Edward, it's been years, correct? Since Tanya became unstable?"
"Six."
"And why are you still carrying this burden? You can't continue to put your life on hold. Her mental breakdown and inability to recover is not your fault. Is it your plan to punish yourself for the rest of your life? To push everyone away?" I was growing angry.
"It seems best." His guilt was palpable in his voice.
"Well, it's not! It's not best, Edward. Don't you see how you're hurting the ones you love by walling yourself off? You're not just torturing yourself. You're making it impossible for them to reach you." My voice was raised now.
"You reached me," he whispered.
"Did I?" I wondered.
"Yes."
"Then, let me help you. You can try to live again, Edward. Be with me, if you want. I love you." I caught my breath. The reality of my own words hit me.
He froze. "Don't say that."
"Why? I do. I love you. I don't care if you continue to reject me. My feelings are certain." For once in my life, I wasn't confused.
"What a sick masochist you are." He chuckled.
"I suppose." There was no arguing that.
"Bella, I can't let myself love you. Especially not now." Edward shook his head.
"What does that mean, especially not now?"
Edward grabbed my hands, and I could feel him trembling as he whispered, "She's gone."
"What?" I was confused.
He held my hands tightly. "Tanya was in the infirmary for the flu, and she went missing. That's where I've been, looking for her around our old apartment area. Her parents called me and asked if I would help search for her. She's gone."
"Where do you think she is? What do you think happened?" I saw the concern on his face.
"I don't know. But what kind of person would I be if I didn't try and help them now? I promised I would come back next weekend to help again."
"And then what, Edward?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"If you find her, or if you don't, where does that leave you? From what you've told me, Tanya is likely going to be institutionalized for many years. Are you waiting on her? Are you still in love with her?" I hoped he would say no.
"What? No! I feel responsible, Bella. I want to help her. But it's not love. Love. I never thought I would feel love, given the history I've had with Tanya. But then…" he stalled.
"Then what?" I pushed him.
"Then I met you."
I grabbed his arm as I looked into his eyes, searching for the truth behind his emotions while fighting back the power of my own.
"I love you, Bella. I shouldn't. But I do."
"I love you, Edward. I'm not letting you go."
He moved his arm away from mine, standing to run his fingers through his hair. I could tell he was already running from our declaration.
"Well you have to, Bella."
A/N: Blue Eyes is trembling! Hearing from you brings him comfort :)