A/N: Haha. So I read the reviews, yes it may seem a little early for love declarations, but this is Edward and Bella remember? It's not going to be that easy ;)
I appreciate every word you guys write to me!
Chapter 13 – Resolution and Restraint
He moved his arm away, standing up to pull his fingers through his hair. I could tell by his posture that BlueEyes was already shutting me out. The mutual declaration of our feelings appeared out of nowhere, no doubt scaring him.
"You have to Bella- you have to let me go."
"No."
"Don't you understand? It was MY self-centered, driven attitude which caused me to miss the warning signs, to not be there when Tanya needed me. I should have helped; I should have been able to save her."
"Oh yeah? How Edward? Should you have recognized the signs, when no one else did?!"
He looked at me exasperated, shaking his head in silence.
"You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me!"
"It's more complicated than you think."
"Then un-complicate it."
He laughed sarcastically, "Is everything always so black and white with you?"
I replied in turn, "Are you always so conflicted?"
"In fact I am. I have these mice in my head running on steroids; they spin in different directions." He looked at me seriously, slowly manifesting his amazing smile which dazzled me.
Shaking my head, I fought back the hypnotic agreement he sought. "Well stop one of them, before their hearts pop from all the juicing!"
We laughed together, easing the palpable tension. After a few minutes passed, I added somberly, "And hopefully it will be the one that says no all the time."
He sighed in exaggerated response, possibly realizing he had met his match in temper and tenacity.
"It means everything to me that you care Bella. But that's more than I deserve. I'm not at a place in my life to be with you. Feeling what I do in return, it would devastate me….. if I hurt you."
"You won't."
"You don't think so? Not being here, 100% in the moment, that wouldn't hurt Bella? Because I'm not. Part of me is still trying to fix the past. I continuously ruminate on what I could have done differently, or things I should be doing now, to help her."
"Edward, I can tell that you've likely never had a problem you couldn't solve, but you need to realize this- some problems aren't solvable. Life doesn't work that way. Is this truly about helping Tanya, or about you? Is it the fact that you weren't 'good' enough to help her that bothers you? Do you feel like people judge you for what happened?"
"Damn Bella, I just can't be with you! Not that way! Can you quit being a shrink for a minute and just understand?! Or is that not possible?"
My cheeks burned even though the slap wasn't physical. His lashing out made me angry more than anything else. How could he say he loved me, but let this internal conflict control him? Why wouldn't he let me help? His decision appeared resolute. You can't fix everything either Bella. You pushed him too far. UGH!
"You're right Edward. Let's head back, ok?" I stood to stretch and called Rio. Edward nodded in agreement, turning to walk back into the woods. We started weaving our way through the foliage towards the main trail when I tripped on a root. As expected, he reached out to steady me. My irritation with him was evident by my actions. I refused his hand and stumbled forward onto the ground, landing on all fours. He stood there with a scowl, looking down over me.
"Great. Be stubborn."
"Look who's talking."
"Bella, Please stop. You're not going to talk to me now? Can't we try to be together, but as friends?"
I brushed off the dirt and pine needles from my hands, "I don't know Edward. I suppose I can try. You see, I'M willing to try things, no matter how difficult."
You just have to provoke him don't ya?
"What would you like to talk about?"
He mumbled under his breath, finally reaching the designated trail back to the cottages. "Let's talk about Ms. Hiller. Do you still want me to work with her this week?"
Work? Fine. "Yes, I think that would be great. She's been much calmer the past few days, her sleeping's improved. Alice has been completing the psychological testing but she is taking it slow since Landie's ability to tolerate long sessions is poor. Are you going to be around work this week?"
"Yeah. I'll be around until Friday, and then I'm going back for the weekend."
"OK."
The awkwardness of the strained conversation was making me sick. I was thankful that the cottages were back in view, in addition to Alice who was standing on her front porch waving. Before we were within hearing distance, Edward turned to me one more time.
"Thanks for listening Bella. I'm sorry I can't give you what you want. I'll understand if you don't want to try, to keep this friendship I mean."
I didn't know how to respond at that moment. You mean you WON'T give me what I want. It's not friendship. I just looked at him, a mixture of love and anger projecting from my face.
"Hey guys! How was the walk? Riiiiiio!!!"
Unleashing Rio, he charged ahead to welcome Alice and enjoy her affections. She rubbed his belly as he rolled happily on the grass, jumping back and forth in front of her to gain more attention.
"Hey Alice."
"Hey Bella! Edward, when did you get back?!"
"Yesterday. Listen guys, I need to run meet with Carlisle. I'll catch you later. Goodbye Alice, Bella."
"Bye Edward."
When Alice turned and saw my face, she quickly stood and wrapped her arm around me.
"Let's get something to eat girlfriend. My place or yours?"
"Mine. I need a shower."
"You DO look a mess Bella. Were you on a walk, or crawling like a commando through the woods? Ooh! Are you going commando?"
Alice made me laugh out loud, breaking my funk, her natural hidden talent.
"Ha, ha. Hiking has never been my thing Firecracker. And today reminded me why."
I showered quickly, suppressing the thoughts running rampant in my brain. Alice was making sandwiches when I walked into the kitchen. I hugged her again and we sat down on the couch, the television blaring even though I knew we wouldn't be watching.
"Thanks for coming over Alice."
"Are you kidding? I've been meaning to talk to you all week; I just didn't know what to say. I know you're hurting Bella. I don't like seeing you this way. I take it his return hasn't helped?"
"It's ok Alice. I did it to myself. I fell for someone I can't have."
"You love him?"
"Yes. I do."
"Thought so. The two of you have caused sparks since the day you walked up to our table. Did you talk to him? Do you know what's going on?"
I recounted everything Edward had told me regarding Tanya. Figuring she knew most of it, I had to process the situation with someone I trusted.
"Wow. I didn't realize she was that sick. I figured something had happened between them, but he was always so harsh if people tried to question him. And Carlisle knows about all of this?"
"I think Edward is filling him in now on the latest, but Carlisle is the only person Edward has told about the details, until today."
"Edward has always held himself to these higher moral standards Bella, even when he was younger. But he also has this carefree devilish side that used to dominate- having fun, enjoying life. I guess now his guilt is eating away the rest of him, like a cancer."
"I guess Alice. Guilt…. or frustration that this problem can't be fixed. Either way, I've once again chosen to be attracted to someone who is unavailable."
"He's not unavailable! He just doesn't realize he's free. Edward needs to let go of his past. You can help him Bella."
"He doesn't want to be available to me Alice. He doesn't want…..me."
My core beliefs and fears of not being good enough were echoing silently across the room. Alice grabbed my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye.
"Dr. Isabella Swan. You pull your ass up out of that pity hole you've dug for yourself. He sure as hell does want you. I'm never wrong about these things, and I know the two of you were meant to be. I've never been more certain."
She glared at me with her dark eyes shining, her passion contagious.
"He told me he loved me."
"He what?! And you didn't think that detail was important to include?"
I shrugged nervously, hoping beyond hope that Alice was right. "Yeah. Right before he pushed me away and said we had to be friends."
"Well this changes everything!"
"It does?"
"Bella! Sheesh, we really are dense when it comes to analyzing our own relationships huh? Of course it does. Edward would NEVER say that, unless he meant it. There's no way he can deny his feelings forever. Operation Bang BlueEyes is still a go!"
"It is hard to take a step back when I'm so emotional. I hope you're right. Thanks Alice. But now I want more than a bang from BlueEyes."
"Oh really?"
"Yes. I want him forever. But we can start with a bang!" We chuckled again, the topic of our 'Operations' reminding me of my self-centered behavior the entire afternoon.
"Alice!"
"Yeah?"
"I haven't even asked you about Jasper! What happened that night? How have things been?! Spill it chica!"
Alice beamed at the mention of Jasper's name. "Where do I start?"
"Ooh! Tell me what he said that night in the kitchen, when you asked him into your bed…."
"Oh my God Bella. It was the hottest thing I've ever heard in my life. He leaned into my ear and whispered, 'I would love to Alice, but I can't offer you a vegetarian option there….'"
I choked on my Diet Dr. Pepper, my eyes watering. "No he didn't!"
"Yes. He did. I ruined my panties immediately!" She squealed in excitement. "The rest of the dinner was more of our usual flirtations. But last Wednesday during lunch I upped the ante. When he came out with the usual options and handed me an orange spinach salad, I told him 'Jasper, I think I'd like to add protein back into my diet. If I was going to start eating meat again, what would you suggest?'"
Shaking my head I congratulated the Lil' Firecracker with a high-five. She went after what she wanted with gusto.
"He literally dropped the salad on the table Bella. It was so adorable. On Friday I finally asked him if he would go out for dinner one night, and he said he would. This weekend didn't work with his schedule so were set for this coming Saturday!"
"That's awesome Alice. I'm so happy for you! You have to keep me updated, ok?"
"You bet Bella. Alright, I've kept you here all day! I'm gonna let you enjoy the rest of your Sunday."
"Are you kidding? You saved me from a major meltdown. I owe you chica- anytime."
"I just reminded you of your awesomeness," she winked. "I want you on your 'A' game this week Bella. Don't let him shut you out. Whether he knows it or not, he needs you."
When Alice left I realized the time was late. The afternoon was almost over and I knew I needed groceries for the week. I ventured into town for the essentials, stopping by Charlie's for a visit. Charlie asked me about the job briefly, wanting to recount his latest fishing adventure more than hearing my chatter. I only stayed briefly before heading back home. Rio rode along with his head hanging out the window, his big jaws pushed back by the wind. Every few minutes he would look back at me like 'this is great!' The enjoyment he got from the little things was enviable. He's enjoying the ride. So should you.
Rio had it right. I needed to enjoy the moments. I knew I loved Edward, but I was letting this entire situation keep me from living. I promised myself I would find happiness with myself when I moved back to Forks. I told him I loved him. I was honest with my feelings and followed my heart. If he doesn't feel the same, or if he isn't willing to explore our feelings, then I need to let it go. Easier said than done.
I knew Charlie still loved my mom, and in some respects he never moved on from his life before she left him. I couldn't let that be me. Would I ever feel as complete as I do when I'm with Edward? That didn't seem likely. But I had always told my patients and friends that external things, including other people, can't give you true happiness. That comes from within. Some of the most miserable people I've ever met are those that have been given every aspect of their hearts desire. You're right! I know!
Getting ready for bed I contemplated even checking my laptop. I knew I was fiending like an addict, but I also knew the roller coaster of emotions I had been on all day. What do YOU want? I enjoy talking to him. But I'm drained tonight. Then there's your answer. You CAN control yourself Bella. I cut off the lights and went to bed, proud of my restraint, but throwing a temper tantrum simultaneously. It took three hours before I fell asleep.
Monday morning hit like a freight train. I rushed into work, starting rounds immediately once I reached the floor. Ms. Hiller was in an excellent mood, not mentioning her delusions once during our session. I discussed the opportunity for music therapy with her and she brightened noticeably. She even opened up about her history as an organist. My elation with her agreeing to participate sent me hurrying upstairs to Edward's office when my rounds were over. Like you aren't dying to see him anyway. I knocked lightly on the door, seeing him engrossed deep in thought at his desk. He looked up and nodded blankly.
"Bella, come in."
"Thanks! I wanted to let you know that Ms. Hiller agreed to attend a therapy session with you! She looks great today Edward, so whenever you can fit her in…."
"I see."
He sees? Hmm.
"Didn't you say you would fit her in this week?" I asked in confusion, walking closer to his desk. I watched him pull up his schedule on the desktop computer without speaking.
"Sure. Let me see what will work."
I leaned over nosily, watching him scan through the scheduled classes and groups he led. "That's great Edward. You had me worried, sounding hesitant when I first brought the news."
Looking over his shoulder I could smell him, a mixture of maleness with a hint of cologne. My body immediately reacted to the scent, sending my nerves into over-drive. Wonder what cologne he wears? Great. Even my pheromone response likes to torture me.
"No Bella, I'm just surprised you came to tell me in person. You could have sent me an email or IM via the intranet. But maybe your account is down? Or you've sworn off using it all together?"
Is he irritated I came up? WAIT-- is this because I wasn't on last night? I think it IS!
"Well, I guess I was excited. Sorry if I interrupted your day."
I turned to walk away when he grabbed my arm, electricity once again pulsing down my extremity and throughout my body.
"I'm glad you came. You should know I enjoy any excuse to see you." He held onto me while I stared at his hand, wondering how it would feel all over my body. I don't know how long I stood there daydreaming, but I eventually focused enough to think. Restraint! Shoe some chica! He said he wanted distance, YOU get to choose how far.
"Oh. Ok Edward. Well, I'll see you at lunch then?"
This time he looked like the one who had been slapped. "I'll be there."
Walking down the hall I recalled Alice's support from yesterday and my own self-talk. If Edward's actions were any indication, he didn't know what he wanted. Show him then. I smiled feeling confident for the first time in a week. Ms. Hiller seemed to be improving, and BlueEyes was turned on by me, even if he didn't want to act on it. His frackin loss. I did have some control over this situation. Just how intimate I was with Edward also depended on me. That realization gave me a newfound energy.
My cocky attitude and hypomanic behavior continued until lunch. I saw Edward sitting at the table when I walked in. Pausing for a moment my own little wheels started turning. My sadistic persona reared its head when I reached the table, purposefully dropping my pen right beside him. Bending over to pick it up I made sure my ass was in clear viewing. It's time you suffer with me BlueEyes. I sat across from him to eat, chatting away with the others at the table. Alice smiled quizzically over her soup, probably wondering what medicine I was taking to cause my extroversion. Jasper eventually brought out the entrees which included a mushroom risotto. Hahaha. How ironic.
"You're in a great mood today Bella." Emmett smile from the other end of the table.
"I feel great. I think one of my patients is making real progress."
Everyone congratulated me on the news, but I kept looking towards BlueEyes. I smiled brightly as we were all served our portions, meeting Edward's glance directly. He looked almost shaken, trying to decipher the change in my demeanor no doubt. I couldn't resist the opportunity that presented itself, and inner Bella started to giggle preemptively.
"Jasper, may I ask a personal request?"
"Sure Bella."
"Do you have any extra mushrooms from making the risotto? I simply love them."
"I'm sure I do, I can go check the kitchen and bring some back for you."
"That would be wonderful, thanks! The tips preferably, if you have them."
Edward stopped mid swallow, watching me take a big bite of the risotto as I winked.
"Mmmmmm."
A/N: Reviews help tease BlueEyes, don't you think Bella needs assistance?