Smith felt nothing. What he felt, if he felt, he did not recognize. At the moment he was sitting down on a park under a tree Neo was climbing. Beside Smith was Neo's lunch, Smith was not hungry, but will most likely eat Neo's crackers. Smith watched Neo. Smith felt nothing.
Smith had before felt things. Yes, he knew frustration very well; he knew sadness, and happiness. But at the moment, Smith thought he felt nothing. He wasn't bored, he was never really bored. How could he be bored? He had spent most of his life that he can remember in a white padded room, in a straight jacket. No, he would never allow himself to be bored, he enjoyed, using the word lightly of course, looking at things. Observing them, studying them, understanding what they thought and how they lived. Neo was interesting to observe, he was always so happy. Smith wasn't always happy, but he wasn't sad.
Smith watched Neo climb the tree, Neo had left his shoes behind, complaining he could get more traction without them, but now he complains his feet hurt. Sometimes Smith wonders if Neo just says things to him, because there is no one else to say them to.
Neo was given a sketchbook today from Ms. Cas, she said Neo was very talented and his gift should be put to use.
Ms. Cas, however did not give Smith anything.
Smith felt nothing.
The sketchbook was currently open on the ground, Neo had left it there. It was open to a more detailed drawing of a machine, Neo wasn't done and told Smith not took look at it. Smith did anyway. Many eyes, many legs, claws, blades, a killing machine, Smith observed. Smith was not afraid of it, as Neo was, being afraid of it even though he was the one drawing it. Smith…did not say it, but thought it looked in a way familiar.
There are many things Smith has learned not to say to Neo, or to anyone else, it would endanger his relationship with Neo, and how everyone perceives him.
Smith is wondering about his past. He wonders why he does not dream like Neo, why he cannot see into his past. He wonders why everyone likes Neo more than him. He wonders why Neo likes them back. He wonders why what little he remembers…have nothing to do with a war.
When Smith goes to sleep he does not dream. He wonders why. He wants to dream. Smith wonders who he is, what purpose does his existence serve.
Smith wanted to dream. He wanted to know who he was. He wanted to be free. And he was discovering this is a very difficult thing to keep inside, and not scream.
And that is around the time Neo falls out of the tree, and onto his back. Neo took a moment, giggling silently, and just laid on the ground. Smith would have asked if he was all right, but Smith at the moment was trying to go somewhere. He wasn't sure where he wanted to go, or how to get there. He knew of it, from Neo, the place Neo goes to when he remembers. He sat, and he thought about himself, and he tried to go to that place, where he wanted it all to be revealed to him.
But no matter how much Smith tried, he couldn't do it. He wondered why, and still he felt nothing.
It was Neo's turn to ask if Smith was all right.
"Are you okay?" Neo asked, crawling on his knees.
"…I'm fine." Smith replied.
"You sure?"
"Of course."
There's a man sitting next to the pond in a mediating stance. Smith has noticed the man before, and finds him not as interesting to observe, as he does not move. Smith does look back to check on the man, he still hasn't move. Smith looks back to Neo who has stood up since the last time he saw him, and is now eating some of his food.
"Are you sure you don't want some?" Neo offers.
Smith shakes his head.
"I'm not hungry." Smith says.
"You're never hungry." Neo complains.
"I eat…"
"Like once a month." Neo interrupts. "I seriously don't know how you do it."
Smith says nothing. Neo frowns.
"Come on, here, have my apple!" Neo shoved an apple towards Smith. "See? A green one, you like the greens ones better than the red ones, right? I know you do. Take it!"
Neo held it up to him for so long, Smith took it, and Neo smiled.
Neo smiles, and Neo frowns, Neo laughs, Neo has cried, Neo has shed blood. Smith wonders why he doesn't. Neo is happy, Neo is sad, Neo is angry, Neo is afraid, Neo is depressed, Neo is melancholy, Neo is overjoyed, Neo is excited. Smith is not, Smith is never any of those things. Smith is just Smith, he is him. He is Smith. He is not Neo, and Neo is not Smith, they are themselves. Smith is Smith, Neo is Neo. Neo is something, Smith is something. Smith wants to feel like Neo, but has no idea how to proceed to do so.
Smith continues to feel nothing. Instead he observes, he exists, he wonders about things. He wonders about himself, what is he? What defines himself? This thought eventually triggers a domino effect onto other, more and less complicated questions about himself. What he is, who he is, who he was, what he was. This leads to questions that have been asked before, and abandoned, and newer questions never before thought of.
"Mr. Anderson…" Smith begins. "Who do you think we were? How were we…connected?"
"What?" Neo asked, taking the cookie out of his mouth.
"How do you think we knew each other."
Neo frowned. He didn't want to think about the past anymore, the past is when people died. He had just gotten over his last dream, Neo didn't want to talk about this…but then again Smith never talks about this, he should take the opportunity. Neo nodded and thought about this.
"I never really…thought about it." Neo admitted.
"Me either."
"Well…I guess…" Neo scratches his messy hair. "I guess I always assumed we were friends."
"Yes, but how did we meet?"
"Smith…"
"We were always together…remember? We came here together. Do you remember the car ride over here? When they locked us onto the walls of the van? Do you remember what we did?" Smith asked.
Neo looked up at Smith, his mouth slightly open. Neo tried to remember what he was talking about, but the first thing Neo remembers was hitting his head on his sink, wanting to be with Smith. Neo shakes his head.
"We stared at each other." Smith says. "I remember it, we were across each other, and we didn't say anything. I was…confused, and…I don't know, but I saw you, you were the first thing I saw, and I stared at you the entire time, and you stared at me. And it took me a long time to realize that they had taken you away from me, and that's when I started…" Smith trails off, not really proud of those actions, as they did exhibit some insanity.
Neo nodded.
"That was not our first time meeting, we know that. But what was? Where were we? Were we in a battlefield? In this place? Were we children? Have we known each other our entire lives? Did we fight along side each other?" Smith kept asking questions.
"I don't know!" Neo yelled.
Neo frowned at Smith, and put his hands over his head. Smith stopped with his questions, and there was a silence that they didn't even notice. It was already filled with unsaid questions, and answers that seemed they would never come.
-----------
It is now years ago, how many they do not know, and don't really want to know. Years ago, their first real memories. Their first memories, insane an Asylum van, being taken to what they would know as their white room, where they will never leave. Years ago, the van is shaking, and the inside is white, and their clothes are white, to them the entire world is white.
One is already looking at the other, but the other hangs his head, unable to lift it. Piercing blue eyes are staring at the man across from him, lifting his heavy head. Smith…Smith is staring at Neo. Smith's lip is trembling, and he's afraid, so very afraid. Afraid of the man that sits across from him, he's shaking. And Neo…finally lifts his head and his eyes meet Smith's. Neo is not afraid. Neo…is tired and wants to go to sleep, fall asleep and never wake up.
There are bags under Neo's eyes, and it's possible that one of his ribs is broken. Smith's eyes are red as if he had recently been crying, the doctors think his hands may be broken. And they are beaten and battered, and they stare at each other. Smith's arms are shaking within his straight jacket. He wants to run away, but he can't move, and he knows it is useless to even try. But Neo does not look at him and want to hurt him. Neo looks up at him and well…thinks of nothing.
They're strapped to the walls by their backs, but there is enough strapping to allow Smith to fall on his knees, and stare at Neo.
There is no thought, there are no words.
There is no hate, there is no anger, no betrayal, no revenge. It is just them.
They are beaten, they are battered, and they remember nothing. They know nothing of themselves or anything else, they are a clean slate. They are seeing for the first time again, and they're learning about the world all over again. There is no thought that crosses their minds, and there are no words that come from their mouths.
They just stare at each other in the purity of nothing.
And without even speaking or thinking, they know they must stay together.
They're both wet, it rained last night.
-------------
"I always imagined us, Smith, bumping into each other in like a subway, and laughing as if we were long lost friends. I can't imagine…us as kids. You know, I don't even remember what I looked like as a child." Neo said.
Neo just realized he doesn't remember his childhood, his parents, his friends. Neo…wouldn't even recognize himself as a child if he saw a picture. Neo doesn't remember his life before, and for a moment this worries Neo. But he forgets it, he doesn't want to be sad again, his name is Thomas A. Anderson, his real name is Neo, that is who he is, that is all he really needs to know.
Smith feels nothing with these words.
"What about you?" Neo asks.
"I don't know." Smith says.
There is another silence.
"It doesn't matter. We're together now." Neo says with a smile.
Smith supposes he is right.
"We're figuring it out, right? I told you leaving the room would be a good idea."
Smith says nothing.
And after a moment, Neo attempts to climb the tree again.
-------------
"Excuse me. Miss? We're looking for a friend, we think he might be staying here."
Men in suits. Men in suits arrive at the Asylum for the second time in years, the taller once walks up to the front desk, and the shorter one wanders off to look out a window that looks into the rest of the Asylum, where the mad are kept.
"Oh. May I have your names then please?" The attendant says.
"Jones, Matt Jones, and he's Adam…" The taller one begins.
"Brown." The little one finishes, still looking out the window.
The attendant is filling out a sheet of paper.
"Would you like to visit this friend?" The attendant asks.
"Ah, you weren't listening. We think he might be staying here, but we are not sure."
"Oh, well then I'll check in with the computers."
"That may propose a problem, Miss, as our friend has changed his name recently since he has…had his downfall, and we are unsure of his new name."
"Oh, um, I will call a doctor."
"Thank you." Says Matt Jones.
The attendant leaves to make this call, and Matt Jones looks back to Adam Brown who is staring out the little window. Adam Brown looks back, and Matt Jones nods. Adam goes through the door, and begins to walk among the mad. Matt Jones watches.
---------------
"How come Michael keeps running away from me?" Neo asks.
"Maybe he doesn't like you, maybe he's afraid of you." Smith says.
"Afraid?"
"Shy."
"Oh."
They walk the halls now, Neo had once again failed climbing the tree and he said he didn't want to be hurt anymore. Smith walks in front of Neo, and Neo follows obediently. They're heading towards the game room, they're thinking of playing chess.
And Smith feels nothing as he walks the halls and looks at the world around him. His mind races with unanswered questions and observations on various things. He wonders why he can never find answers to his questions.
But then Smith stops.
A man in a suit.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Neo asks.
"Look!" Smith points. "The man in the suit."
"Is it an Agent? Have they come back for us? They're going to kill us!" Neo yells, and attempts to hid behind Smith. "It's an Agent, I know it is! I can feel it, he's going to kill us!"
"No…I don't think so…"
The man stands across the entire central area, just strolling around looking at everyone. He stands out against all the white, in his black suit, Smith stands still and watches him. The man…he walks in a familiar way, and he…smiles in a familiar way. The man in a suit…the face…He knows the face. He knows, he knows it. Is this an answer? An answer to a question? One of his questions?
What is this feeling? What causes such a reaction? Is this shock? Is this fear? Is this…something entirely different?
"We can't let him see us!" Neo says, "He'll kill us! Come on, let's hide!"
Neo tugs at Smith's arm.
"No…he's not an Agent." Smith tells Neo.
How to proceed? What do I do? What am I supposed to do? What will happen? Will it hurt? Why can't I move?
Then Smith begins to walks towards this man.
"Come with me." Smith told Neo.
And Smith pulls him as they begin to walk. Smith's grip is hard, and it hurts, and Neo doesn't know why. Neo tugged at his arm to loosens Smith's grip, but it didn't work. Neo didn't understand what was happening, and it scared him a little. What were they doing? He looked at Smith, and he knew Smith didn't know either.
The man in the suit was currently strolling around quite cautiously. He had been to many asylums before, in search of this friend. He sort of smiled at the insane people who passed him by, staring at him, wondering what he was doing there. He waved to a young girl, and was on his way to the outdoor area.
Smith walked towards him, tugging on Neo. Smith walked alongside him, and Smith then stood in front of him.
The man in the suit stopped and looked at Smith. Smith stood straight and looked at him. And Neo, trying to get Smith to let go of him, finding this hopeless Neo looked at the man in the suit, and Smith.
Smith felt something, but he didn't know what, and this made him afraid.
The man in the suit tilted his head at Smith, and leaned closer to him, bowing his head. Smith could only stare. The man shifted his eyes around, not knowing what more to do. He did smile at Smith, and walked closer to him.
"Hello, there." The man said.
Smith swallowed. Neo stared in shock at Smith's silence, and tugged at his hand again. The man looked over at Neo, and Neo waved up his hand.
"Hi, my name is Thomas!" Neo smiled.
"Hello, Thomas." The man in the suit said. "Who is your friend?"
Neo looked at his hand, and tugged it again, then looked up at Smith, and back at the man in the suit. Smith continued saying nothing, and merely staring at this man. He didn't know what was happening truthfully. He didn't know what to do, he was just watching as thing went on, as if he were watching a television show.
"His name is John." Neo beamed, saying John to sound sane.
"Well…Mr. John, my name is Adam Brown, nice to meet you." Adam Brown held out his hand, and for a moment Smith didn't do anything. Finally he reached out and shook it.
The man in the suit nodded, and smiled at Smith. Then the man went on, passing the two of them by, and Smith watched as he left them.
Smith let go of Neo's hand, and Smith felt something.
Neo rubbed his wrist and nudged Smith.
"What's wrong with you?" Neo asked him.
Smith didn't answer, but he watched the man in the suit.
"Sir! Sir! You're not supposed to be in this area!" An attendant started yelling at him, and running towards him. "You're not allowed here."
"Oh, I'm sorry, the door was just wide open, I assumed…" The man in the suit
The attendant quickly grabs the man, and nearly pushes him along towards a place where only the sane go. Adam Brown takes one last look around, before he pushed out a door, and is seen as a sane man.
Smith watched. Smith stands still for a moment, before understanding what has happened, before realizing he's gone. Smith begins to run.
"Smith!" Neo yells. "Smith?" Neo runs after him.
Smith feels something. Smith runs, jumping between some people, and sliding into a hallway, before finally running into their cell room, and jumping onto the table, grabbing the handlebars of their window. And he looks, and watches, and he sees a car driven by this Adam Brown go away.
And Smith presses his hand against the glass between the bars.
"Wait…"
Neo stood behind Smith, leaning on the wall. Neo frowned at Smith, and saw Smith was sad. Smith was never sad, not a lot at least. And Neo didn't know what he could have done to make it better, he didn't know, so he didn't do anything. He leaned on the wall and looked at Smith.
"Neo…" Smith began.
Neo raised his head, hearing his name part from Smith's mouth. He always wanted Smith to call him that, always, but now…now after all the waiting he's more scared than happy. Story of his life, isn't it?
"I think I just let our chance to leave this place slip away…"
Smith turned his head towards Neo.
"I'm sorry."
Smith doesn't feel much. But Smith longs for so much. He wants to feel more, he wants to leave this place, he wants to know freedom, he wants to be let go, he wants to get away from all these smells, he wants to know who he was. Smith doesn't feel much, but wants so much.
Smith felt something, and it hurt.
Neo suddenly jumped back in fear for Smith looked as if he were about to cry.
-------------
"Brown…"
"Smith, it's okay! Please don't be sad, you're never sad. It's okay! Really! I'm sure Adam was no one, I didn't recognize him! Though I do think he's funny, wearing a suit like that."
Neo had never seen Smith sad, or was too blind to see if he ever was before. Smith can't be sad, Smith is never sad you see. Neo is the one that is always sad, Smith is the one that always helps him. If Smith is sad, it throws the whole thing out of balance! This can't be right! It isn't right! And besides…Smith being sad, it made Neo afraid.
"Jones…"
"Who is Jones? I don't remember a Jones! Smith! Please! You're making up people now, come on, Brown or Jones, or whoever – they couldn't help us, right? They don't know us, we don't know them. Okay? …Okay?"
What did these names mean? These names that suddenly rang throughout his head. He was always such at peace within himself, he couldn't believe he was accused of madness…but now, there is screaming. A voice inside, a splinter in his mind, a presence whispering in his ear these names. Jones, and Brown. Brown, and Jones. Something about these names…what is it? What is this tearing inside of him, ripping him apart from the inside out? Is it…could it be?
Is it a memory?
His head is beginning to hurt, he can't walk anymore, he stops for second and Neo rests his head on Smith's shoulder.
"Please say you're okay, Smith…" Neo told him.
And they stood there for a moment, in the middle of the center room. Smith huddled up in his arms, slouching, as if trying to do the fettle position while standing up. Smith breathed in deeply, and closed his eyes.
Neo drags him to a bench where they sit down.
Smith was afraid. Smith was sad. Smith thought he was dying.
Who were they? Those faces, those names?
"Smith, it's okay! We'll get out someday! I promise! Smith…Smith come on…don't be this way, I don't like it!"
He didn't hear Neo.
There are many things Smith longs for, and wishes he dreamed of. Many things he doesn't tell Neo, and he locks up somewhere inside his head. So many things not said, no longer thought of, but they stay constant in him, remembered forever, forever inside him, forever part of him, making him, him. But who was he? This was another question that stays constant inside him, one he longs for an answer. There are many things Smith wants. And when everyone is quiet he can hear himself think and ask himself questions he cannot answer. Smith stares through their window when Neo is not looking, and he longs so much to be there, in the city, outside of this cold, white walls. Smith stares at the people around him, and he looks to sane, and he wants so much to be them. Be them, and not himself, be a sane man, not this man with a broken head. Be them, and no longer him, but then again, who is he anyway? He looks at Neo, and wants that happiness in Neo's eyes. He would grab at Neo in his sleep and take out his eyes himself, just so he could keep them as his own, just so he could be happy too. He looks at Neo, and wants to be like Neo. Happy, Naïve, loving, caring. He wants to laugh like Neo, and dream like Neo.
Oh how he wants to dream, dream and leave this horrible place, he hates it so much. Leave, go to sleep here in his bed, and wake up somewhere else, somewhere so very far away.
Who am I?
Jonathon Smith. Who is Jonathon Smith? He has no idea, another question to go unanswered within his mind. Who is Jonathon? That isn't him, no it couldn't be him, his name isn't Jonathon, that's not his name, no one gave him that name. His name is Smith. Who is Smith? He doesn't know that either.
So many questions…He never realized how many…he never noticed how empty he felt. Has he been blind to all this pain for this long? Why hasn't he realized all this stored inside him is hurting him? How is it he can see now?
Everything inside him he ever kept quiet wants to get out, and it's terrifying. This is all happening too quickly. Hours, minutes ago he was not like this! He knows it! He was calm, he was observant, he was asking questions, but now…Something's happening, and it's happening too fast for him! Something inside him…something…making something happen. A domino effect that causes internal panic. Something's happening, and he doesn't know what, and he can't make it stop! He can't calm down, he forgot how!
At least he was able to look at these questions and try to find answers before, finding none without remorse. At least he could look at Neo without anger staring at those happy eyes. But now…something…inside him, tearing at him, screaming those names! Jones, and Brown! These questions must have an answer, who are they! There is an answer, he knows there is, he knows he knows, but he can't find it, where is it? Who are you? Tell me! Tell me!
Smith feels something, and it hurts. Desperation came so quickly, what can he do to make it stop?
There are many things Smith wants, and has not said. He wants to dream like Neo, and be happy like Neo. He wants people to like him like Neo. He wants to be free like Neo. He wants to know who he is, exactly who he is. He wants to know who he was. What happened to him before. He wants to run away from this horrible white place. He wants to know. He wants to see it like Neo sees it. He wants to know who Jones and Brown are. And he knows…they could have told him.
He wants to pain to go away. He wants the smells in this horrible place to go away. He wants Neo to stop talking.
He sees Michelle, and Neo waves to her, forgetting him almost. Neo says something, and gets up, Smith grabs at Neo's arm. Neo looks down and frowns.
"I'll be right back." Says Neo, smiling that happy smile, with that happy glint in his eyes.
Smith lets go and Neo runs to Michelle.
Smith felt something.
And it almost made the pain go away.
Smith wanted Michelle to go away, and Neo to come back. Neo. Neo is all he has here, and now. No matter how useless Neo seems to be, he knows…together they serve a greater purpose. But what is this purpose?
Another question brings back the pain, and Smith slides down in the bench.
Brown and Jones, men in suits like Agents. Brown and Jones…the only faces that he has been able to recognize in so many years. Brown and Jones…he wants them to come back, and make the questions go away.
Smith felt things.
Smith watches as Neo smiles at Michelle, and she smiles back.
Smith felt anger, and envy, and hatred.
There are so many things Smith wants, that he has been deprived of. His memory of them taken away, his own self perhaps stripped away. He wants to dream, he wants to be free, he wants to know, he wants to be happy, he wants to fly, he wants to…be one.
He knows there was once a time, he can feel it like he knows he knew Jones and Brown. He knows there was once a time, when he was one, and he was happy, and it was good. He had a purpose, he had a life. He was part of something greater than himself, and he protected it with everything he had, every fiber of his being he wanted it to know he would do everything to protect. It was a precious thing he knows it, something warm and cold at the same time. He knows there was a time, where he did things with others, as one.
He looks at Neo one last time, smiling away. He knows there was a time he and Neo acted as One, he can feel it. All throughout his body he knows it, it is the feeling that is making his fingertips twitch.
Smith wants that again. So he won't be alone inside his head anymore, and it won't be as dark, and there will be more answers instead of only questions.
To act, as one. To know, as one. To hear, as one. To breath, as one. To touch, as one. To feel, as one. To live…as one. To be One.
He knows there is no pain in that.
Smith's chest hurts, and he curls into a ball for a little while, laying on the bench as if it were his bed. He closes his eyes staring at Neo and Michelle. Neo and Trinity, happy together, as one. He shuts his eyes so he won't look at them again, so disgusting.
And Smith finally goes to a place where he dreams, and memories take form. And all he sees is Jones and Brown looking at him…there is so much blood on his hands…and he'll never be able to wash it off his tie.
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Next Chapter: As One
Chapter title has been changed, as I sat down to write it, it became something entirely different from what I had planned. But it works so well.
A Smith themed chapter, I hoped you enjoyed it.
An answer to a review: IMPS The Relentless is an independent film based on Star Wars. I won't say fan film, because well the guys that made it spent five years on it, most of it post production for the special and visual effect. There are eight episodes to IMPS; put all together I would say it's nearly three hours long. It follows the lives of a squad of Stormtroopers, as soldiers and part of the Empire, like a documentary you see on History Channel. In fact their slogan is "An epic documentary on the best damn job in the galaxy." I am fortunate enough to have the music composer for these films my personal mentor, and I am able to give a little part, transcribing the script into proper script format for them for their website so that others can translate the film into different languages. They are currently working on Chapter 2, and almost done with that. IMPS, by the way, stands for Imperial, Military, Personal, Stories.
Please R/R