Author's Notes: Any resemblance of this chapter to real life events where I spent over an hour the other evening wrestling my vacuum cleaner is purely coincidental… and by that I mean it's pretty much a journal entry.
These first few chapters are just dragging... (they're supposed to) I want to get past all this exposition and get to the good stuff. Unfortunately it must be done. Thanks to LovesLoveAndAngst who motivates me to finish when I lose the willpower and to all of you for the reviews.
Life is beginning to feel normal again for Mike now that he's back at Graceland. It's not the same as before, he's still off work, but he and Paige have fallen into a new type of normal. Everyone else has resumed their daily activities, and Mike has even started his early morning runs again.
This morning, everyone else is already off at work, and Mike has just gotten out of the shower after his run. He gets dressed from his suitcase, he really should unpack one day. Paige made fun of him the other day for dressing up when all he was doing was lying on the couch with her all day. He looks for something more casual, but all he sees that is clean is his green polo and the cancer shirt Johnny got him at the hospital.
It would normally be an easy choice. The shirt Johnny got him is ridiculous and he loves the green shirt, but for some reason Mike hasn't worn the green polo since the disastrous time he had kissed Paige and she had rejected him.
If she had thought he was lost then, he didn't want to know what she thought of him now. He felt completely out of control of everything, and was clinging to her like an anchor.
With a sigh, he opts for the cancer tshirt. He might be overthinking it, but he doesn't want to take any chances Paige might associate the green shirt with him trying to kiss her and feel uncomfortable. Besides, maybe the ridiculousness of the "Protect your bumps, feel for lumps' shirt will make her laugh. He zips his only hoodie up over top of the shirt and heads down the hall to Paige's room.
When he looks into Paige's room and does not find her in bed, Mike feels a moment of panic. This is not routine. She should be sleeping in her bed. Then he hears a thump and a curse from downstairs and runs down to see her standing in the middle of the living room in an oversized sweater and either no pants or the tiniest shorts in the world, trying to turn the fallen vacuum cleaner upright with one hand.
"Paige, you don't have to do that. I'll do your chores for you. Sit." Mike offers as he rushes down the stairs.
"Mike, I can't sit any more! I need to do something! I'm so bored!"
"Bored enough that you're doing chores?" Mike asks cynically. "You weasle out of your turns on the chore wheel more than anyone!"
"You're just jealous because you never get out of chores." She sticks her tongue out at him. It's true. Mike does always seem to be doing not only his chores, but everyone else's. He has a tendency to barter spins on the chore wheel for favors, or lose at games. Of course the whole house cheats.
"Do you even know how to work that thing?" Mike asks, watching as Paige plugs in the vacuum, something he's never seen her do before and never thought he'd live to witness.
"Sucking end on floor, press 'on' button." Paige says simply, turning on the vacuum which makes almost enough noise to drown out Mike's comentary.
"Watch out for the chord, Paige. What are you doing? You're not snake wrestling! Just keep the cord out of the way of the vacuum." Mike watches in disbelief that anyone could make vacuuming look so complicated. Finally when she looks like she's in danger of asphyxiating herself with the cord, he steps forward. "How are you even getting so tangled up in this? Here let me help..."
Paige prances away from him with the vacuum cleaner, and would probably get farther if she weren't so hopelessly tangled. Mike sighs at her stubborn insistence to do things on her own, and looks down at the rug, which looks dustier than when she started somehow.
"That's not cleaning the floors…" He rolls his eyes. He's starting to wonder what her childhood was like, because it was as though the girl had never used a vacuum before.
"The vacuum's broken!" Paige exclaims in frustration, flinging her hands up in the air and letting the vacuum fall on the floor.
"The vacuum is not broken!" Mike huffs, gently pushing her to the side so he can inspect the vacuum. "You're probably just not- oh wait this really isn't working."
"I told you!" Paige declares indignantly.
"The bags probably full. We'll just swap it out… no this is empty. Maybe it just needs readjusting?" Mike begins to take the vacuum apart piece by piece, looking for what the problem is.
"It's broken! Let's just throw it out and go to the store and buy a new one!" Paige says, sitting down on the couch. Her healing body is already worn out from exertion.
"We're not buying a new one! I'm sure there's a simple solution." Mike says, carefully examining all the different parts of the vacuum.
"Let's just buy a new one!" Paige groans at Mike's stubbornness now.
"We're not buying a new one. This one has been here for less time than me. It's practically brand new. We can fix this." Mike insists, sitting next to the pile of vacuum parts continually trying to put new pieces together, turning it on and then trying a different way.
"Well then let's take it to a repair store!" Paige suggests. This has already taken up way too much time. It shouldn't be this hard to clean the place.
"For the prices they charge we might as well buy a new vacuum! We'll try fixing it ourselves first." Mike says, replacing the bag with a new one and becoming more frustrated when the vacuum still refuses to provide any suction.
After Mike has ruled out the filter needing changed, everything being connected properly, the empty bag, and the switches being changed, he pulls out his phone and begins to search the internet for solutions.
"What are you, Macgyver?" Paige rolls her eyes. "The damn things broken Mike. Let's just take it and let a professional look at it. Or better yet, buy a new one! They're what? Fifty bucks?"
"Yeah, if you want a piece of crap. This one is about seven hundred dollars." Mike says distractedly as he examines the vacuum in comparison to the diagram on his phone..
"For a vacuum?!" Paige is shocked by the price.
"This is a Miele, which means it's got German engineering. It's the BMW of vacuums. Buy quality Paige." Mike lectures.
"Why?! The damn thing breaks just the same!"
"We can fix it." Mike says patiently.
"Or we can buy a new one! Come on, it's just seven hundred dollars!"
"Just seven hundred dollars?! The DEA must pay better than FBI. I joined the wrong field." Mike grumbles. He's beginning to suspect that Paige and him may have grown up under very different financial circumstances. If she was secretly wealthy, he would think she could afford clothes without holes in them that actually fit. Though she did look really cute hiding in that giant sweater, her long legs spread out on the couch.
"Mike, it's a house vacuum cleaner. We can charge it to the house account, it's not even our money."
"It's a waste of taxpayer dollars."
"You sound like a republican." Paige laughs, rolling her eyes. "Oh my god Mike, are you a republican?!"
"Look the way I grew up when something breaks, you fix it." Mike says, ignoring her previous question and scrolling through the internet on his phone. The answer has got to be out there somewhere.
He is dead set on fixing this vacuum. He's not even sure why he is so focused on fixing the vacuum, but suddenly it has become an obsession. Like if he can fix the broken vacuum he can somehow fix Paige too.
"What? Are you going to teach yourself how to be a vacuum expert in the next two minutes? Come on Mike let's just take it to a professional." Paige rolls her eyes.
Mike may have grown up that fixing things, but Paige grew up in Beverly Hills. They didn't even have a vacuum in her house. They had maids who came with vacuums. There if you could afford to pay someone else to deal with the problem, and that person could do the job better, you did. She would never understand the male ego of not hiring someone else to do the dirty work.
"Where's your adventurous spirit?" Mike goads her, where she lies strewn across the couch.
"We are undercover agents goddammit! Not mechanics!" Paige insists. This all seemed like a waste of what little energy she had. She had just wanted to do one useful thing. It was now looking like the place would never be cleaned.
"Well pretend you're undercover as a vacuum mechanic." Mike says, ignoring her otherwise to search through his phone. "Here we go. This site says if the vacuum's not sucking then it's probably a clog in the hose."
"Can we buy a new hose?" Paige asks, and Mike shoots her a dirty look.
"I never realized how spoiled you are."
"Fine, we'll fix it. Give me the damn phone." Paige grabs Mike's phone from his hand, beginning to scroll through ideas of how to fix the vacuum. She refuses to have Mike think she's spoiled.
Mike just sit there and smiles goofily watching Paige trying to prove him wrong. He is learning new things about Paige every day.
Right now she's reminding him of a girl he went to elementary school with, Annabelle Smith. Despite coming from a rather poor family, Mike's mom made sure he always was sent to private schools. However, since he didn't have money, Mike was always the outcast growing up. It never bothered him, he focused hard on school and didn't have time for socializing anyways.
The only time he wished he were someone different was when Annabelle walked down the halls. She had this blonde hair and this beautiful smile, and wasn't aware of things like money or Mike's feelings for her. Mike knows if he had gone to school with Paige, he would have had to admire her from afar just like Annabelle Smith. Every now and then when he's around Paige, he's overwhelmed by those same feelings of inadequacy and awe.
"Ok, we need tools."
"Alright. Tools!" Mike clears his mind of fears of Paige being too good for him, and focuses on the task at hand. "Where are those?"
"If we have any in this house, I have no clue where they would be. I always just call the repairman." Paige admits.
"Alright, so we will make do. What's the site say?" Mike leans in close to Paige to look at the phone as well. "We need something long and hard enough to try to push the clog through the hose."
Paige grins a huge grin and looks down at Mike's pants. "Think you're up to the task?"
"Haha. I'm not that hard up for sex. I was thinking a broom handle." Mike says. "And then we need pliars or something long enough to reach in and pull out the clog once we get it closer to the end."
"Where are the pliers?"
"Couldn't find them. I've got scissors, chopsticks, salad tongs, throwing knives and a hanger."
Mike holds the broom between his legs and tries to push the hose over it, working the clog slowly down the hose.
"It looks like you're putting on the world's most giant condom." Paige giggles.
"Don't get your hopes up expecting a broom handle or anything. I'm fine, but I'm not quite that big. I wouldn't want you to be disappointed in the future." Mike says as he works on forcing the clog through the hose pushing until he's actually straining.
It's only when he looks up and seeing the questioning smile on Paige's face that he realizes he just implied that he intended to have sex with her in the future. Completely flustered and hoping she didn't read too much into his thoughtless comment he hands her the end of the tube. "I think I got it to a point where you might be able to reach it with the chopsticks.
"This looks so wrong." Mike sighs, as he watches Paige shove give up on the chopsticks and shove two fingers into the end of the hose, curling and twisting them to try to remove the clump. Against his will he can feel himself getting hard. He had never found vacuuming sexy before. How did the most innocent of activities somehow manage to feel so downright dirty now? Was there nothing he could do with her that wasn't sexually charged? Or was it just him who was noticing.
Paige finally gives up with a frustrated groan, collapsing back on the couch, and Mike is secretly thankful. Trying to get his mind out the gutter, Mike pulls the hose back and tries to see what the problem is.
"Do you have a flashlight?" Mike asks, wanting to see what the hell could be so difficult to get out of a vacuum cleaner.
"I have an iphone with a flashlight app." Paige giggles.
"Close enough. Let me have it." Mike reaches out for her phone.
"Well I'm busy using it." Paige laughs, holding the phone up in front of her.
"Are you filming this?" Mike asks indignantly looking up from where he has been furiously pumping the hose over the broom handle, trying to clear the clog. She is so immature.
"Hell yes I'm filming this." Paige says, barely able to breath through her laughter. Mike's worried she might bust her spleen again. "I never pass up a chance for blackmail. Someday I'm going to ask you for a favor, and this ensures your cooperation."
Mike doesn't have a chance to tell her she wouldn't need the blackmail because he already can't deny her anything. At that moment the vacuum finally sucks the rest of the clog through and the machine is fixed. Unfortunately by this point, both are too tired to vacuum, and they collapse on the couch, savoring their victory and ignoring the trashed room.
When Johnny and Charlie walk through the door later on, they find the house a mess and in the middle of it all is Paige lying on the couch with Mike spooned behind her. Both bewildered roommates look at the dust bunnies and random objects scattered about the living room and then look questioningly at Paige who is awake.
"What happened here?" Charlie asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Mike jacked off the vacuum cleaner." Paige grins, feeling Mike wince behind her.
"Yeah, he's been making that sort of thing a habit recently." Johnny says with a shit eating grin. "You have a nice long shower this morning Mikey?"
The hand that is wrapped around Paige's waist lifts with just enough energy to give Johnny the finger before sleepily wrapping back around Paige and pulling her even closer to him. Behind her, Mike buries his face between Paige's shoulder blades. If he can't see his obnoxious roommates, maybe they'll just go away.
"Yeah don't think we buy this whole 'I'm asleep schtick.'" Charlie calls Mike out. Giving Paige a hopeful, questioning gaze she asks, "Unless those little sleepovers you two are having are finally involving less actual sleep."
Paige just shakes her head in a silent no, laughing as Mike grabs the nearest pillow and chucks it at his two roommates without raising his head from behind her.
"You all are perverts." Mike mumbles. "Maybe the house would get clean if you all cared a little less about what I did with my dick."
"Or didn't do as the case may be." Charlie grumbles under her breath.
"Whatever dude. You're just lying around the house all day and the house is a bigger mess than when we left. Don't blame this all on us. Deadbeats. If you're not fucking, and you're not cleaning, what do you do all day?" Johnny asks crossing his arms.
"Mostly we mess with your room, Johnny." Paige grins mysteriously.
"Oh that's so not cool. What did you do?" Johnny sounds slightly hysterical, and the other three try to keep from laughing. "P, what did you do? Did you take something? Did you find my..."
"Find your what?" Charlie asks, once Johnny decides against finishing that question.
"Once I find out what you did, expect retribution." Johnny threatens as he dashes towards the stairs.
"You can't retribute against me! I'm an invalid! I have a free pass!" Paige yells after him.
"Evil. Both of you." Charlie shakes her head, but looks amused as she more casually walks towards the stairs to make sure Johnny doesn't give himself a coronary.
Once both roommates were out of earshot, Mike asks, "Did you do something to his room?" He sounds impressed.
"No, but he's going to tear the place up freaking out trying to find out what he thinks I did. And there's always tomorrow..." Paige grins, thinking about all the fun ways available to her to torment Johnny now that she's got time off and is starting to feel better.
"Mmmm we can't tomorrow." Mike mumbles sleepily, nuzzling her ear, "We've got therapy tomorrow, remember?"
"Can't we just skip it?" Paige begs, settling back comfortably into Mike's embrace now that the other two are gone. There was so much she didn't want to think about or talk about, especially with a shrink. She just wanted to put it all off, spend a few more days lazily lying around the house with Mike and then go straight back to work.
"Nope. Your's is doctor's orders, and mine is mandated by the bureau on account of my 'rage'."
"What are you going to tell them?" Paige asks curiously. She wonders if Mike will talk about her in his session, or just his apparent rage issues.
"Whatever they need to hear to put me back in the field."