Hey, guys…! *sighs* You have no idea how good it feels to have my hands on this keyboard again… The amount of depression that came along with missing you guys is just not natural. But, I'm finally back, and I hope I didn't lose too many of you… I would be so devastated.
Big thanks to my Best Friend For EVER, Amanda, for posting that Author's Note, um… three months ago… *smiles sheepishly, blushes* And for constantly hounding me in school about updating. If it wasn't for her constant encouragement, I probably would have dropped off the face of the earth. So, send lots of great reviews for her, and I'll pass them along!!!!! Love you, Mandark…!
So, after a dreadfully long, ridiculously depressing stretch of time, please enjoy this chapter of…
A Letter from Edward.
Disclaimer:
Me: Hey everybody!! It's me.
Emmett: *from background* AND ME!!!
Me: Yes, and Emmett. So, this is the segment of the story where I tell you how I don't own the Twilight series. And, to help me explain that, I have prepared a flashback for you!! (The following is an actual event.)
…flashback…
Emmett: VICTORIA!!!!!! Where WERE you?! I was so worried!!!!
Me: Um… Emmett…? I was, well… kind of… in the little writer's room. I was only gone for *checks watch* three minutes.
Emmett: *suspicious*There's a guy in there, isn't there…?! What's his name?! I'll KILL him!!! *runs towards bathroom, ready to fight*
Me: Emmett…! Emmett! EMMETT!!! *runs after him* Emmett, listen to me!! There's nobody in there!!! It was just me!!!! EMMETT!!!!!!
Emmett: *to bathroom door*Come out of there, you coward!!! Come out of there and face me like a man!!! *bangs on door* Are you gonna fight or not?! *snarls*
Me: *reaches Emmett, out of breath* Emmett…! *huff* There's *huff* no *huff* one *huff* in there…! *huff huff huff* I swear…!
Emmett: *grumbles* Yeah, that's what they all say… *turns back to door* HEY!! Come out NOW, or I'm kicking the door in!!! You have 'til the count of three, or I'm coming in there!! One…
Me: Emmett…
Emmett: Two… *brings foot back, poised to kick*
Me: Emmett, don't you dare…!
Emmett: THREE!!!! *swings foot forward, kicks door down* Ah-HAH!!! I KNEW… it…?
Me: *crosses arms, clears throat*
Emmett: *embarrassed* Oh… Uh… *laughs nervously* I guess there really wasn't anybody in here… *looks at mess* I can totally fix that…
…end flashback…
Emmett: Um, what did that have to do with anything?
Me: Nothing.
Emmett: O-kay…?
Me: I just wanted to show everybody what I have to deal with.
Emmett: Oh. *stares off into space, deep in thought* *realization dawns on his face*Hey…!
Me: *rolls eyes* IN OTHER NEWS!! I do not own the Twilight series, or anything associated with it. Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!! And remember… reviews are accepted, appreciated, and adored!!
Emmett: WAIT!!!
Me: *sigh* What is it now?
Emmett: Don't you have to tell them about the song?
Me: Oh, right!! Thanks, big guy.
Emmett: That's what I'm here for. *big smile*
Me: This is my first… Hold for it…
Emmett: *drum roll*
Me: SONGFIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emmett: *cheers wildly*
Me: That's right folks, my very first songfic. The song I used is "Best of Me" by Sum 41. If you play it while you read, it really helps set the mood of… well… you'll find out. I will put an A/N in telling you where to play it. If you can't play the song while you read, I incorporated the lyrics into the chapter, so that should do… something. I guess.
Emmett: ONWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Yes, it's time for you read, so enjoy!! And tell me what you thought!!!
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*Edward's POV*
Bella…
Bella…
She was all I could think about as I ran toward Forks for the second time in two days. Her name filled my head as her lullabye played out in my ears. The two grew entangled in a graceful and enchanting dance, becoming one; the most beautiful word in any spoken language came to be the sole lyric of the musical representation of the most magnificent creature known to man.
My feet quickened as I thought about returning to her. I imagined playing her lullabye as she sat by my side, tears rolling down her cheeks. I daydreamed about how I could lay beside her as she slept, her slumbering figure curled into my own.
Snap out of it, Edward, I scolded myself. She can not know that you've returned. I knew that. I understood that with every fiber of my being.
So why did I want so badly to return? Why couldn't I believethat I could never go back? I had never been so torn before in my life. My head knew to eave her be, but my heart… it was saying other things.
Perhaps Tanya was right… Maybe this was a bad idea…
I was about to turn around and return to my family when I passed a sign for Port Angeles.
But I'm so close… That was it. I could not turn back. Not when Bella was fifteen minutes away. Fifteen short minutes… if I went fast.
I went into overdrive. My mind and heart finally thought in unison, and my feet seemed to move by their own accord. I was moving faster than I ever had in my one hundred and nine years of existence.
Bella. Bella. I'm coming, Bella. You cannot know it, but I will be there.
…ten minutes…
Five more minutes.
Five more minutes and I would be within touching distance of the love of my life.
There it is… Forks, Washington.
I could see the vibrant blue sign from a half of a mile away. But then…
Wait… what's that… smell…? It's almost like… Werewolf…?
There were werewolves on the reservation again? Why were they in Forks?
My anger flared. If any of them hurt my Bella…
I snarled so loudly that every within a two mile radius from my current location went running at top speed.
My fury was ripped was ripped from me as I caught a different scent.
Her scent.
My thoughts began to race. What if she realizes that I am there? Does she know about last night? What am I supposed to do if I can't stop myself from confronting her? A million situations played out in my head. Unfortunately, I was able to concentrate on all of them at once, and they all ended in disaster.
No. Do not think that way. If she has found somebody who will love her, that's good. She deserves somebody who will cherish her; even if it's only half as much as I do. That is what you wanted, Edward. You wanted her to move on. If she found love in Jacob or, I growled the name in my head, Mike Newton, then so be it. I shall be nothing but happy for her.
I had been so lost in my thoughts that I failed to see what was right before me.
I… I'm here. I took a deep breath, held it, and let it out in a massive gust of air. I-I'm actually here. I stared up at the house.
Without thinking, I walked over to the passenger side of Bella's beast of a truck. I ran my finger along its length, indulging in everything she and I had ever done together.
I opened the door and sat in her truck, wandering through my thoughts. The first time I heard her beautiful voice speaking to me, our first "lunch date," my saving her from Tyler's van, the Italian restaurant… Everything. I tried to focus on only the good things that had happened to us. Granted, the incident with the van did not seem spectacular at the time, but it brought us closer. Who knows? Had I not saved her that day, we may never have known of our love for one another.
I did not move for what could have been hours. I remembered every single miniscule detail of my relationship with my Lamb. I was finally pulled from my reverie when I heard the front door opening. I threw the truck's door open and nearly flew into the woods, taking great care to close it silently behind me. I stood behind a tree, turned to watch the person in the doorway, and gasped at what I saw.
"Don't try arguing," Charlie said over his shoulder. "I'm sure people in China heard that and are screaming 'EAT! EAT!'" Sheesh, Bella… Have you eaten anything this week?"
Charlie…? Charlie…!
I cowered further behind the large tree that hid me, more conscious than ever of my whereabouts.
"Yes, doctor," Bella said sarcastically. "I had an apple yesterday. Aren't those supposed to keep you away?"
Bella… It's really you…
"Alright, alright. No need for the attitude. I'm your father. It's my job to be concerned."
"Since when are you the anxious parent?"
"Since you almost gave me a heart attack up there. Seriously, Bella. Don't do that to me."
"Sorry, Dad. I just, well, I just kind of freaked, I guess."
I watched as she made her way down the steps and toward her truck, coming closer and closer to me with each step.
"Hey, hey, hey…!" Charlie called from the doorway. "I told you I was driving up there. That means that you get in on the other side." Bella spun around to look at him.
"Oh. Sorry, Dad. It's just natural now, I guess." She walked around to the passenger side, coming even closer to where I was hiding.
Bella…
Without any knowledge of what was happening, my foot side-stepped out from behind the tree. Half of my body was now visible to her, and before I knew it, I was standing out in the open air, nothing standing between myself and my love. I reached out with my hand as she sat where I had not a moment before, and I took a step closer.
Why can I not stop…? What is happening to me…?!
As whatever invisible force pushed me towards her, Charlie walked down the steps. Grateful for the distraction, I regained control of myself and bolted back behind the tree. I watched him meander to the driver's side of the vehicle, listening to his every thought.
That must have been one Hell of a nightmare last night…. I've never seen that kid look so vulnerable before. He shook his head. No, that's a lie. She looked even worse after Sam found her on the forest floor. I swear, if that Cullen kid ever shows his face around here… I'll ring his neck faster than he can say, "But Chief Swan…!"
I felt as though I had just been punched in the gut. By Emmett. Repeatedly. But, I knew I that I deserved much more than strangulation for what I had done.
They found her…? On the forest floor?
I watched as the memory of a tall Quileute man carrying Bella's weak, unconscious form from deep within these very woods played out in Charlie's head.
I-I… I caused that…?
I truly was a monster. I shook my head and chuckled one, disgusted with myself. I looked down at the ground and saw a squirrel that was searching the ground for buried nuts.
Hey, I thought. While you're down there, would you like to find mine for me? I have reason to believe that I have lost mine.
What's wrong with her? Charlie's thoughts pierced my ears. My eyes shot up to the truck, watching Bella for any signs of trouble or pain.
"You alright there?" Charlie asked as he sat down behind the wheel.
"I'm fine," she answered as she buckled her seatbelt. "The seat was just cold."
"Huh. My seat is fine. Maybe you're just a little nuts up here." He smiled and tapped his temple with two fingers.
"Yeah, I'm sure that's what it is."
Oh… I suppose I should be more careful as to where I sit from now on.
There was a movement near my feet. I looked down to see that squirrel staring directly at me, as if it was waiting for me to do something. I simply ignored it and looked back up to see Bella looking at the very same squirrel.
I noticed that her gaze began to shift, curious to see what the creature was looking at.
Damned squirrel…!
Confident that she would not see me if I moved quickly, I reached out and grabbed it, then turned and ran to hide behind a rather sizeable shrub. I then released the squirrel in the opposite direction, careful to remain unseen.
I heard the trucks engine roar as Charlie started it up and switched gears, and I looked back up to see Charlie backing out of the driveway, my Bella beside him. Neither of them spoke, but Charlie's thoughts were enough to listen to.
I'll just be glad when we get there. Jake'll take good care of her. He always has. My kid's always so happy 'round him. He huffed out a sigh. He finally got her to smile again…
My eyes stung with tears that would never fall as I watched his worst memories of Bella from the past six months, followed by one of the first times she smiled her blindingly beautiful smile since I had left.
The images made my heart ache. I was… awful. How could I ever cause someone so innocent and… perfect in every way so much pain? What kind of man was I that I could even-
That's right. I'm not a man.
I am a monster.
My legs could no longer support my weight and I fell to my knees, my eyes squeezed shut. My head met my hands and sobbed until my chest burned. "Bella…" I whispered through clenched teeth. "Bella…!"
I sat back on my heels as I wrapped my arms around my torso, folding myself over until I could kiss my knees.
Is this how she felt? How she feels? Did I do this to her? Bella… I am so sorry…!
I had never experienced pain like this.
Not from the venom that coursed through my veins as I was turned, not when Emmett accidently yanked my arm off as we were sparring, not even when I first smelled the sweet nectar that is Bella's blood. No, this… this was something else entirely. I couldn't even begin to describe this pain. It was like suffering through all of the things I previously mentioned, plus being blown to pieces by an atom bomb, dipped in acid, attacked by rabid pit bulls, and getting thrown through a jet engine all at once.
So this is what it's like to be heartbroken, huh?
I felt like my chest had been ripped open, and now the gaping hole that was there threatened to make me fall apart.
What have I done…? Bella! I shouted her name in my mind, mourning our love. I had broken her. In trying to keep her safe, I was the monster who hurt her. I told her to stay safe, to not get hurt, and she promised that she would do as I had asked. But, through my own thick headed decision, I broke that promise for her.
Charlie's memories haunted me, floating around in my mind. On so many occasions had Bella looked just as I did right now; doubled over from the excruciating pain, trying to hold herself together. Did she feel like this? Did she feel all the pain that I was feeling? Did I really do that to her?
"Bella…"
I breathed deeply for a few moments in an effort to calm myself down. I rose to my feet and leaned up against a tree, still not entirely stable. The pain still lingered, as I feared it would for some time to come.
I remained there for quite some time, my mind wandering to different ways that I could make this up to her.
You can't, I berated. You can not ever make this up to her you idiot. You should not even get an opportunity to make this up to her. She deserves better than you. So much better…
Out of sheer frustration, I grunted and punched whatever was closest to me, which happened to be a large boulder that shattered to pieces as soon I made contact.
Edward…
My head snapped up. Was that…? No…
"Alice…?"
She stepped out from behind a cluster of trees.
"Alice, I told you not to come." I tried to sound angry and commanding, but my voice betrayed me. I just sounded broken and… sad.
"I… I couldn't, Edward. I didn't come for Bella, I came for you." Her voice was soft and nurturing, but there was a slight undertone of sadness there. She walked toward me as she spoke.
"I-I saw you… like you were a moment ago… and, I just, I couldn't just…" She wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her head into my chest. I hesitated, but slowly returned the embrace. I watched the vision that she had of me on the ground, and my eyes shut as my jaw clenched, remembering the pain.
"Edward, I'm so sorry…"
"Don't be," I answered, my voice just as soft as hers. "I deserve a lot worse than that for what I did to her." I didn't need to speak her name; Alice knew exactly who I was speaking about.
"Don't say that," she chided. She looked up at me, her eyes sad. "You were trying to protect her."
"Yes, from myself." My words sounded strangled. I lowered my head onto Alice's shoulder, desperately needing comfort. Even if I didn't deserve it. "I-I was trying to protect her from me, and, in doing so, I hurt her more than I could ever have imagined."
"No… Edward, she'll forgive you."
"But she shouldn't. You didn't see everything she's been through. Everything I put her through…"
I felt her shake her head slowly, and I lifted my head to look at her. "You forget, Edward; She's a part of me now, so, even without meaning to, I still see everything that happens to her. I know everything. " She sighed and looked away. "I know that you looked just like her when you were curled up." She stepped away from me. "You two are more alike than either of you know. You're not the only one hurting…" Her eyes closed and her breathing hitched.
"Somehow I get the feeling that we're not just talking about Bella and myself anymore."
"Oh, Edward…!" She threw herself at me, her face burrowed into my chest once more. "I love you both so much, and I-I…" Her voice trailed off into hysterical sobs. "I hate seeing you two in so much pain. It hurts me, Edward…! I just can't take it! You love each other, and she'll forgive you. Just, please, go back to her! I need you to be happy, Edward. I hate that you're feeling like this. Please… Please…" She broke off to sob again.
"Alice… Shh… It will be okay, I promise." I rubbed her back and hummed comfortingly in her ear.
"Liar…!" She wailed. "Everything will most certainly not be okay! Unless you march your sorry ass up to her and apologize, then none of this will ever be okay!"
"Alice, I cannot," I said softly. "After everything I have done, I don not deserve her forgiveness. Hell, I never did. I am a monster…"
"Stop it! Stop it!" She pounded her fists against my chest. "You love her! And I know for a fact that she loves you!" At this point she was screaming at me, her high pitched voice echoing off the trees. "Two people that love each other that much need to be together!!"
I grabbed her wrists to stop her constant blows, and I put her arms down at her sides. I looked deep into her golden eyes before wrapping my arms around her once more, holding onto her like there was no tomorrow.
Her wails slowly turned to sobs, which, in turn, became quiet whimpers. "I understand why you feel the way you do, Edward. I really do… I just… I wish you would get it through your thick head that she loves you more than life itself. You may not understand it, but she needs you. Every time she looked at you there was so much love in her eyes…" Her thoughts centered on Bella's face whenever we were together. I had never seen it before, but the way she looked at me… I hate to say it, but there was more love on her face than I had ever noticed.
How could I have been so blind?
"Alice… What have I done…?"
"Nothing you can't fix, big brother," she said with a weak smile.
"But… How can I ever fix this?"
She wiggled out of my arms and looked me square in the eye, her jaw set with determination. "Like I said, you're going to march your sorry ass up to her and apologize."
"When I said that I couldn't do that, I wasn't just being selfish."
"Well then why, Edward? Why can't you do that?"
"Think about what that would do to her. I have been gone for nearly six months after I left with virtually no warning. How do you think she would react if I suddenly just appeared again?"
She'd be pretty damn happy, that's what I think.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. "Alice," I said. "Please. Be reasonable."
I rolled my eyes and sighed again as she thought about me appearing through Bella's window with a bouquet of flowers and how she would then drop dead of a heart attack.
"Yeah," she said out loud. "I guess I see your point." My eyes closed and I shook my head.
"Thank you. So, how do I go about doing this?"
"Honestly…? I… I don't know." She blew air out through closed lips, making a sound like a very small pony. "You'll just have to figure it out, I guess. I have to go. Jasper wants to 'surprise' me with a romantic evening in the woods. It's so sweet! He found this beautiful little clearing in the middle of the forest, and the ground is all covered with snow. He wrapped twinkle lights around all of the trees and hung lanterns and candles from the branches, and he even-" I clamped my hand down over her mouth.
"Alice. Go enjoy your evening with your husband." I felt her lips turn up, and her eyes smiled up at me. She bit my hand, hard, so I pulled it away.
"You know what? I think I will." She hugged me once more and whispered, "Good luck, Edward. If you need anything, you know who to call." She pulled back and smiled. "Love ya, big brother...!" She turned and ran toward Jasper as fast as her little pixie legs would take her.
I turned around and looked at the house; more specifically, Bella's window. A sigh escaped my lips as I walked at a human's pace toward the ground underneath it and looked up/
She had opened it again.
Why would she…? It was rather cold out, and the sky threatened to pour every ounce of water it contained onto the earth below, so why would she open her window?
Did she… Does she know about my being there last night…?
Shit.
Well, maybe it is a good thing that she knows. Maybe that will make this easier.
Make what easier? I was still so confused. I let out a groan and ran up the side of her house and in through her window.
I stood there for a moment, thinking silently to myself. I had done something so wrong to her, something that could never be completely forgiven.
(Best Of Me, by Sum 41)
Oooooooo…
It's so hard
To Say that I'm sorry,
I'll make everything alright…
I walked to her desk and ran my fingers along its surface.
I swore to her that I would never leave her. I told her that I would always love her; that she was my life, my purpose. Nut, if I left, what did that make me? A traitor? A monster?
All these things
That I've done,
Now what have
I become,
And where'd I go wrong?
She was my priority. She was all that mattered. Who cares if her scent was irresistible? Who gives a damn if it felt as if I was swallowing acid whenever I was around her? I love her, and nothing should be able to get in the way of that.
But… When I left… That must have made everything I ever said to her seem like a lie.
I don't mean to hurt
Just to put you first,
I won't tell you lies…
(I'm sorry…)
I moved to sit on her bed, and my head fell into my hands.
Bella, I would do anything to get you back. I will show you how sorry I am… I swear.
I will stand accused
With my hand on my heart,
I'm just trying to say…
I'm sorry…
It's all that I can say…
You mean so much
And I'd fix all that I've done,
If I could start again…
"You mean more to me than anything…" I whispered through clenched teeth. "I do not care what it takes. I will get you back."
I'd throw it all away,
To the shadows of regrets
And you would
Have the best of me…
I rose to my feet and looked around.
I had done so much to hurt her… So much that I could never take entirely back.
Oooooooo, oooooooo…
I know that
I can't take
Back all of the mistakes,
But I will try…
But I'll be damned if I didn't try, at the very least.
Although it's
Not easy,
I know you believe me
'Cause I would not lie…
People may have told her things…. Things about me; how I was not worth it, how she deserves better, how she is better off without me… But everything that was said is a lie.
Don't believe their lies,
Told through jealous eyes,
They don't understand…
(I'm sorry…)
I love her. And love should be able to conquer anything. And, If Bella will take me back, I will do everything in my power to never hurt her again.
I won't break your heart,
I won't bring you down
But I will have to say,
I'm sorry…
It's all that I can say…
You mean so much,
And I'd fix all that I've done
If I could start again…
I'd throw it all away,
To the shadows of regrets
And you would,
Have the best of me…
I walked over to the rug on her floor and pushed the corner away. Underneath it was a loose floorboard, one that held a very big secret.
I got down on my knees and lifted the floorboard, revealing things that I had given to Bella, as well as pictures she had taken, and various other items that held memories of the two of us. Things that I didn't have the heart to completely take away from her.
I pulled the CD of songs that I had composed out, and I put in into the player on her desk. As the lullabye bagan to play, I slowly made my way back to the hole in the floor and sank down to my knees. I reached in and grabbed the pictures she had taken, bringing them closer to my face as I sat back on my heels.
I sighed and compared the photographs, noticing how cold and dark I looked on that last night. I truly looked like the monster that I am.
"Bella," I whispered. "I am so sorry… I will make this up to you. No matter what."
I'm sorry…
It's all that I can say…
You mean so much
And I'd fix all that I've done,
If I could start again…
I'd throw it all away,
To the shadows of regrets
And you would,
Have the best of me...
"Bella… I love you…"
Oooooooo…