Author's Note: SMUT WARNING. This chapter is a little different in that it is the same timeline as last chapter just from Mike's POV. Usually when I write I like to think about what all the character's are thinking, and in this Chapter Mike and Paige are just SO far apart in where they are coming from after that last fight, that I really felt they each deserved their own chapter and couldn't find a way to combine them (I realize stylistically this is a big no-no, since I haven't been writing this story this way, but eh, it's fanfiction. I can be a little loose with the rules).
Hopefully this makes you all like the last chapter better! (Which I rewrote, because so many hated it.) I don't enjoy writing sex scenes because they always leave me feeling a little exposed and uncomfortable, but I just find the character motivations during them so intense and interesting. Let's face it. Sex complicates everything.
Big thanks for the reviews and encouragement. This would not get done without them!
Mike has been locked in his room all night, replaying the fight again and again in his mind. He can't believe just a few hours ago he was so happy and nervous about the thought of asking Paige out. Now he feels nothing but rage. He squeezes his hand gripper in his hand trying to force all the anger from his body into it, until it finally breaks under his force. Without the repetitive motion to calm him, he throws the broken piece of metal across the room angrily and it slams against the wall that he shares with her.
He can't believe she slept with someone. She can't believe it was Phil of all people. From the things Paige had said about him, he didn't even think Paige liked Phil. Paige shouldn't be with some dipshit at a bar who didn't even really know who she was. She should be with someone who loves her. She should be with Mike.
He loves her.
Mike feels like the air's sucked out of his lungs at the thought. He has to sit down on his bed, because the force of the realization has left him no energy to stand. Everything he has is needed to process this feeling. He's had his suspicions for a while, but it's always been so easy to excuse the emotion as something else.
The first night he saw her at that karaoke bar, when time seemed to stop, it was just attraction. Not love. Love at first sight doesn't exist.
The way she could always make him smile was just friendship. Not love. Friends make each other happy.
The way he pictured her face while he had sex with Abby, was just harmless fantasies. Not love. His mind wanders, and no one could forget the sight of Paige in a bikini.
The jealous feeling he got towards any man she talked to was just annoyance. Not love. It's not his fault Paige would choose losers to talk to.
When he told her his secret; Morphine. Not love.
When he turned to her for help with his investigation; Trust. Not love.
Admittedly, the first time he kissed her should have been a clue, but she gave him such an easy out. He was lost, looking for answers. It wasn't love.
When he first realized she was missing and nearly lost his mind; Worry.
Her five capturers he murdered; Revenge.
The two weeks at her side in the hospital; Guilt.
Last night when he didn't sleep with her; Morals.
Of all the lies he's told since he arrived at Graceland, Mike knows that this is the biggest one, and it's been to himself. Mike is tired of the lies. He has to acknowledge the truth that everyone else apparently already knows. Hell, even Bello knew before him he realizes with a raw laugh.
He's in love with Paige, and he has been falling for her since the second he saw her.
Mike drags a hand down his face letting out a frustrated noise. He can't believe he's been so willfully stupid. This is so inconvenient. He's an undercover agent. He's not supposed to get too close. That's what Paige, Charlie, Johnny, and Briggs and everyone has been telling him since he got here. But Mike had to go and fall in love anyways.
To top it all off, he had to fall in love with the most emotionally unavailable woman he knew. Paige didn't get attached. Hell she sure proved that tonight. After a month glued to her side, after she'd tried to sleep with him just last night, within twenty four hours Paige had found a replacement for Mike.
The thing that pissed him off most was that he couldn't even blame her for it. Sure it was easy to yell at Paige, or hate Phil but in the end Mike knows this is all his fault. He's waited too long. He groans as he thinks of the fight they had earlier. He can't believe he said all those horrible things to her. He doesn't know how she'll ever forgive him for that.
With new found resolve he stands up suddenly. He can't wait any longer. He's probably already missed his chance, but he has to try. She's a hundred percent right. He should trust her judgment. Just because he doesn't think she's emotionally ready for the next step doesn't mean she's not. Maybe it wasn't too soon for her to be intimate with someone again. How the fuck would Mike know? He's never been in a situation like that. Besides Paige isn't him. She deals with things better.
Paige has always surprised him with how well she could handle things. She had this uncanny ability not to let the darkness in life affect her. She could spend the entire day dealing with the scum of the earth and still come home happy, smiling and joking. Outside life didn't seem to affect Paige the way it got to others in the house. If she said she was ready for sex, he couldn't let him think he knew better than her.
He knows he's said horrible things, but he's ready to give her anything she needs now. If she needs to be touched to keep away the demons, he will make her feel better than she's ever felt in her life. He's been so busy trying to take care of her, thinking he knows best, that he hasn't been listening to what she's said. She should have never had to have gone to the outside to feel wanted. He looks over at the clock. It's four am, but he can't wait until morning. He's waited too long already.
Mike quickly walks down the hall, and cracks the door to her room.
When he enters, he sees her laying asleep curled up on her side. She's so beautiful it hurts to look at her. Her blonde hair is splayed out on the pillow behind her. Her face is relaxed in sleep, and her lips are slightly parted. He takes a deep nervous breath. He knows this will change everything, and he knows he will have to explain. He doesn't know what he's going to say, he just knows he has to make this work.
He leans down next to her bed, brushing her hair back from her face. She continues sleeping peacefully, and Mike allows himself to just stare at her face for a moment while he gathers his courage. He knows she's had a long day, and the coward in him wants to let her sleep, but it's just another excuse and he's been avoiding this for too long. Finally, he whispers her name and gently shakes her shoulder.
Her eyes flutter open and she smiles sleepily at him. He takes it as a good sign that she doesn't punch him in the face right then. Instead she just murmurs a sleepy "Hey you…" and closes her eyes again.
He has so much to say, so much she needs to know, but the only words he can get out are a shaky "I'm sorry."
His voice breaks, and he tries to compose himself. He tries again, but his voice sounds almost like a sob as he chokes out "I'm so sorry. I can't sleep without you."
"Get in." Paige holds up the blanket so he can get into bed with her, and he has to admit he was expecting more drama. He expected her to yell at him, to push him away, to kick him out. He at least expected he'd have to grovel more to convince her to take him back.
He crawls in next to her, and doing so with the knowledge that he's in love with her makes him tremble. He's been in her bed a hundred times with her, but this feels different. He positions himself beside her, and she's already closed her eyes. Before he can chicken out again, he leans down and lays a chaste kiss on her lips. Johnny's right, Mike's no good with words. He's just going to have to show Paige how much he cares. How much he wants her.
When she doesn't push him away, he continues to kiss her softly. His heart is pounding in his chest, and it almost leaps out of his body when she sleepily begins to kiss him back. Her lips and tongue are so soft and wet and the kisses they exchange are simple and sweet. He brings his hand up to her breast to softly caress her through her shirt. He will spend the whole damn night on foreplay to make sure she's satisfied. He gently squeezes her while continuing to kiss her tenderly. Her nipples harden under his touch and he works his hand expertly across her, paying attention to every soft moan and change of her body and committing it to memory.
He whispers her name against her lips. It feels perfect on his tongue and he wonders why he didn't do this with her sooner. She was right as always, and giving up control, allowing himself to be with her, feels amazing. She start to wiggle against him, and he lets his fingers softly trail down south on her body. He's breath and his hand trembles as he does so.
He rubs her lightly through the fabric of her panties. Even through the cloth barrier he can feel she's already ready for him, but he's determined to take his time and make this good for her. As he massages her through the damp cotton, appreciating her soft murmurs, he moves his lips over her jaw, and down her throat to lay soft kisses at the base of her neck. Finally, with his lips monitoring her quickening pulse at the base of her neck, he slips the fabric aside and pushes one finger inside her. The silky heat wraps around his finger, and he wants to find the words to tell her how good she feels, but his stomach has jumped so high in his chest it's pushed all the air from his lungs.
"Mike, what are you doing?" She asks, her voice still slow and soft from sleep and lust.
"What does it feel like?" Mike whispers, moving his mouth back up to her ear, as he continues to softly kiss her, his finger slowly slipping in and out of her. "I'm doing what I should have been doing all along. I'm kissing you Paige. I'm touching you."
"Why are you doing this?" Paige asks. Mike knows she has every right to be confused with him. The fight in the kitchen seems like a lifetime ago to Mike. There is so much he needs to tell her. That he's sorry. That he loves her. It's too much for right now.
"If this is what you need, I can give you this." He is all he can whisper.
He slips another finger inside her, and he continues to gently caress her. His fingers curl inside her, gently stretching her. He stops kissing her and takes a moment marvel at the way her body is responding to him. Her hips grinding down on his hand, her face flushing, all the signs of arousal. She's absolutely beautiful and he would move the stars to make her happy. From here on out, he will be her everything. She will never need to feel alone, or go looking outside of him again. "I'm going to make you feel so good, Paige. I promise. You don't need him. I'll do anything. Just tell me what you need me to do."
He pushes her tshirt up, exposing her breasts to him, which he lavishes with attention as he continues to curl his fingers inside of her. He can feel her breath catching, the way she's pushing against his hand, and he feels grateful he's the one who's brought her to this.
"Mike…" Paige moans his name and it's perfect. His name on her lips has never sounded so perfect.
He brings his lips up to press against hers again. He could live another thousand years and never tire of kissing her. He can't believe he almost missed having this experience with her. He can't believe he made her think she needed to go and have this with someone else. He wanted her to know how perfect she was. How wanted. He wanted to make sure she never doubted how he felt about her again.
"You feel so good, Paige. So hot and tight around my fingers. You're so beautiful, Paige. So beautiful like this." His blue eyes peer down at her. She's beginning to shake under his hand, and he stares at her intensly, trying to memorize every detail. "Did he satisfy you? Did he take the time to make sure you came?"
"No." Paige managed to gasp out. Mike feels an intense rush of relief that she didn't orgasm earlier. He knew that this moment they were sharing was special, that he wasn't just replaceable by just any stranger at a bar. The poor jerk didn't know what he had in his bed earlier. Mike knew. She was perfection, and she was his.
"I want you to cum for me, Paige. I want to see your face when you reach your peak. I want to know I took you there." Mike's forehead is pressed to hers as he concentrates on moving his fingers quickly to bring her to her ecstasy.
"No. Mike, no. Stop. Not like this." Her voice is silent breathy broken gasps. Mike's confused by her words. She's so close and he wants to make her to cum for him. She's almost there. He can feel it. He tries to interpret what she means.
"Why not? You know I care about you. I care about you more than he ever could. Let me be the one to do this for you." Mike pleads, his fingers deep inside her curling against her g-spot as his thumb pressing against her clit. He can tell by the way she's spasming against his fingers, she's almost there.
"Mike, you know I want this… but not like this." He stares down at her questioningly, wondering what she means, but she brings her hand to his arm, and he pulls it gently away from her. He doesn't know what she's thinking but if she says stop, he will stop.
When he realizes she's serious, that nothing will continue, he rolls over onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what he did wrong and what changed. When she first said 'not like this', he had thought maybe she wanted him to pause so they could try to cum together their first time or maybe she didn't want to orgasm in the house with the roommates a few doors down. As she paused to catch her breath, he began to run through all the worst case scenarios.
He feels her turn onto her side, and knows she's looking at him. He bites his lip and forces himself not to jump to conclusions, to let her explain but she doesn't talk. Finally he can't take the silence anymore.
"Why wasn't it me? If you needed this, why didn't you tell me?" Mike asks in a small voice. He won't look at her. He can't.
"I tried Mike. You haven't touched me since the hospital." She whispers softly.
"I touch you." He says so quietly she almost doesn't hear him. He does. He's always careful when he touches her, he doesn't want her to ever feel unsafe around him. They were just touching now and she had stopped him. He doesn't know what to do. His worst fears are being realized. He was too late.
She wraps around him, spooning his side and resting her head on his shoulder. He still can't move or look at her.
"You know what I mean. You treat me like a child. You're always handling me like I'm going to break." Paige whispers.
"You've been injured. I don't want to hurt you." Mike justifies. The little voice in the back of his mind keeps taunting him that he's too late. He waited too long. She doesn't want him. She wants someone else.
"It's more than that." Paige continues. "Ever since the hospital, you've been looking at me differently. I don't need you to take care of me."
"So you've found someone else to take care of you." Mike scoffs, reading between the lines of her speech. Too late, the voice in his head chants.
"Mike, it's not like that." Paige insists. "There's some things you can't do for me."
"I know. That's why I want you to go back to your shrink. Look I know you think it's about Phil." Mike pauses as the name puts a bad taste in his mouth, "But it's not. Obviously there's things you don't think I can help you with, and I don't want you to feel alone."
Mike's too late. He's missed his chance. She doesn't want him anymore, but that doesn't mean she needed to turn to someone like Phil to help her. If she didn't want Mike, he would have to live with it, but he refused for her to be alone. She needed someone to watch out for her, and if it couldn't be him, he would make sure it was someone better than some dick in a bar.
"Mike. I need to get through this alone. I just do. No one else can do it for me, not a shrink, not you..."
"...Not Phil." Mike says bitterly. He's jealous and he knows it, but he feels like if it weren't for Phil, him and Paige could be together right now. She gives him a warning look, and he mutters a sheepish, "Sorry."
"He doesn't matter, Mike." Paige assures him. Mike wants to take solace in her words, but he can't. It's easier to hate Phil than to face the fact that she just doesn't want him. "It was just something I needed to do. I needed to have sex again. Just to prove I could. It meant nothing."
"If it truly meant nothing, then why did you need to do it so badly?" Mike asks. He doesn't understand how she can just say it meant nothing. Sex always meant something. If it was really just about the sex, why hadn't she turned to him? Why Phil?
"You don't understand…" Paige says bitterly. She's right. He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand any of this, but he wants to. He wants to understand so badly.
"So tell me! Christ, Paige talk to me!" Mike snaps.
"I do talk to you! We do nothing but talk!" Paige laughs bitterly.
"But not about anything real! Tell me how you feel. About the rape. About Phil. About me. I never know what you're thinking these days and it's driving me crazy!" Mike takes her head in his and presses his forehead tightly against hers, as if he's trying to absorb her secrets through osmosis. He wants to know everything. Everything she has locked away. If only he knew what was going on in her mind, maybe he could fix it.
"It's not that simple." Paige brings her hands up to cover his on her face.
"It could be if you'd just talk to me." Mike insists, his tone pleading.
"Nothing is simple with you! You came here, and now everything's different!" Paige pushes him away in frustration. Mike grasps onto those words. He wants to be different to Paige. He doesn't want to accept that he can just be replaced by any warm body she finds in a bar. He wants to be her exception, because she is his and always has been.
"Yes, and what does that mean?" Mike asks desperately. He's pushing her past her limits, he knows it, but he can finally see a moment of breaking through for them. They're finally asking the right questions. The terrifying ones. "Things are different between us, Paige. How long can we keep ignoring that? What are we doing here?"
Mike waits for an answer, but when she doesn't respond, he continues to gently push. "C'mon, I can't be alone here in this. I know you feel it. Things are different. But what does that mean? What do I mean to you?"
This is the one question he wants answered above all else. He doesn't want to tell her he loves her because he doesn't want her to feel pressured. He doesn't want to put that on her. But he needs to know what he means to her. Even if she doesn't love him yet, he knows she feels something.
"It means…" Mike watches as Paige struggles for an answer. His heart is in his throat, and he stares intensely at her, knowing this might be the most important question he's ever asked. "It means, maybe it's time you started sleeping in your own bed again."
Mike's heart drops.