…I have almost been crying all day because I just finish obsessing over THE most Gale song in the world with my friend. Sometimes I wonder if Gale should be with Katniss instead of Peeta….And to top off my sadness I just listened to a PEETA song, and so now I am just exploding all over my carpet… (if you want the links to the music videos for these veryveryvery sad songs, just PM me or something)
I woke up to curtains being drawn back from small windows, and sunlight poured into my bleary eyes. I groaned quietly and glanced over at Peeta, who was sleeping soundly next to me, his hand still curled protectively around mine. I felt a bit guilty because his absolute lack of sleep seems to always be my fault. Content that he isn't leaving any time soon, I turned my head back to the doctor, who had drawn the curtains back.
"How is your shoulder holding up so far?" He asked, pulling his wheelie chair out from under the desk, and sitting down.
I shrugged. "It feels like I got stabbed. But it could be worse." I was careful to keep my voice low just in case it would wake Peeta. "Can you get Dr. Longarden for me?"
My doctor froze. "Now, why would you want him?"
"A few days ago I learned that he wants to kill my daughter. I would like to speak with him." My jaw clenched and my hand tightened around Peeta's.
Dr. Tyrwhitt's face paled. "…He talked about the child…a girl… I had hoped…"
"Please tell him I would like to see him." I glanced at Peeta and pondered if I should keep Peeta asleep, or wake him up to yell at the doctor. He would wake up anyways because of my yelling, so I decided that he would rather be awakened by my kiss than by my shout.
My kiss did the trick. Peeta's eyes popped open and he stared inquisitively at me. "Well, good morning, sunshine. Look whose feeling better today."
"Better? Not exactly. I just wanted to wake you with something pleasant instead of yelling for once. You deserved it." I avoided looking at my doctor.
Peeta frowned slightly, eyes still sparkling from the leftover kiss. "Now, why would you be yelling?"
"It's time I confronted my doctor. Let's hope he hasn't done anything irrational yet." With a stifled groan, I shifted myself up a little and faced my substitute doc. "You can go get him now."
Dr. Tyrwhitt looked very nervous and hesitant.
"Please."
With a heavy sigh, the doctor nodded unhappily and walked stiffly out of the room. Once the door closed behind him, Peeta turned to me. "I have to admit I am a little surprised, Katniss. You seem to be taking all of this very well."
I forced down the little feeling of sadness creeping up in my throat. "I have gotten past the stage of screaming and falling apart and going into depression. I am more in the stage of the icy-calmness that comes right before, and feels like, death. But…I have been lying to myself." I didn't know why I was telling this to Peeta. Maybe it would feel better once I had gotten it out of my system. "Ever since—ever since Alexis came along…well I thought I would feel more of a connection to her."
Peeta frowned. "Meaning…?"
"I knew from the very start something was wrong. When I imagined having a baby before she was born, I thought I would feel…like a spark or something. Something that would make me love her more than I loved anything in the world." I smiled a little embarrassed. "Actually in my head I was using you as a reference point. People say that when they get a child they loved the child more than they loved their…partner or whatever, but the moment she was born, I knew something was wrong. It was like she wasn't my child. But what was so horrible and made me promise myself never to mention to anyone, was that when she was taken away from me for the first time…I-I didn't mind all that much." I turned my head away from Peeta, hiding my awful shame. "I didn't feel the way I thought I would."
There was a slight pause from Peeta. "Katniss, how much—how do I put this….? How much exactly do you love Alexis? I don't know if that is the right way to put it…"
"I love her, but I don't know if I love her little enough to have her replaced. She is my first baby. It would just seem so unfair to give her away without a second thought. I need to give myself a nice long lecture and find out if it is really worth it or not."
"Then by all means." I looked at Peeta to see if he was actually serious. He was.
In my arms, I grabbed a spare pillow and shoved my face into it. "Would it be so wrong to try and convince myself Alexis could be replaced?"
"That's up to you." His hand brushed gently against my cheekbone.
"But would it really be fair to her? She doesn't even get a say in it. I hold someone's life in my hands, but would it be wise to take advantage of it? Would I really be able to let the doctors—?"
"Mrs. Mellark. Mr. Mellark." said a stiff, formal voice near the doorway. "Is there something you needed?"
It took me several minutes to answer Dr. Longarden. When I did, my voice cracked several times. "Give us a few days to say goodbye."
About an hour after Dr. Longarden left, Dr. Tyrwhitt gave me the go-ahead to get ready for the funeral. Peeta and I were walking down the hallway, nearing my room. The plan was for Peeta to grab his clothes and then we'll head on over to my room to change. That was we would save time because it takes longer for girls to get ready for things to do than boys. Peeta already had his outfit in his arms, reading to change into them when we got to my room. However, we left the topic of Alexis out of it.
In my room, Peeta disappeared into the bathroom whilst I looked for something to wear. Since it was accustom to wear black to a funeral, I was left with only one choice. I don't wear black very often, so my dress in that color had not been used ever. I didn't even know if it fit me.
Shrugging, I folded it up in my arms and walked across the room to where there was a floor length mirror, half-hidden behind an unused coat rack. There, my clothes were quickly removed. I pulled the light dress over my head and tugged it down so it fell into place.
The dress was made from fake silk. Long sleeves ended in a plume of black silk. The collar was decoratively folded up with tiny black ribbons that hung down to my waist. The material hugged my body and stopped with pleats running along the bottom of the dress. The hard part, though, was the back of my dress, which had to be laced up with matching black ribbons from my collar. Besides from my head being a total wreck, I looked like some night goddess.
"You look beautiful."
I saw Peeta looking at me in the mirror, and I turned around. He had on normal black slacks and a tidy, dark button-up shirt. I smiled sadly. "You look pretty handsome yourself." And I turned back around to face the mirror. "Though, from my armpits up I look like the crypt keeper."
Peeta came up from behind me and began to lace up the back of my dress. "And what a beautiful crypt keeper you are."
I laughed once without amusement.
Once Peeta had finished lacing me and had tied a neat bow at the top, I dragged him with me to the bathroom mirror. My hair I could fix up nicely and I could scrub my face raw, but there was nothing I could do with my sallow-looking complexion and circles under my eyes. Funnily enough, Peeta insisted on doing my hair, which I let him. After brushing it out, he took a deep breath, and began dividing it into two braids on either side of my head. Like my first day of kindergarten, that day Peeta noticed me so much.
In the end, I actually managed to look presentable. It was 1:45, and I couldn't find an excuse to stall any longer. Peeta slipped his hand around my smaller one. "You ready?"
"As long as my heart's still beating." But that, I knew, was a lie.
Oooh! Burnage! I finally got this chapter done! That was…two in one day, right? Or was my last chapter yesterday? I can't remember… Ah well. Review if you like it so far!