Disclaimer: I don't own... (sigh) Oh the hell with it. No one reading this really cares anyway.
Gomen nasai! Lo siento! Es tut mir leid! Spiacente! Je suis désolé! I'm so sorry! Please forgive my lateness in updating, but I've been in a bit of a depressive slump lately and really haven't much felt like writing. I won't go into details, so I'll just say "life sucks" and move on. On a more positive note, I got to go see System of a Down in concert last month and had a lot of fun :) I decided to name this chapter after one of my favorite songs by them; it seemed fitting somehow... Also, I've started taking a creative writing course in college, which seems like it'll be fun, and hopefully beneficial to my writing efforts; and a good friend of mine from the Army had finally come back to the states after a whole year in Iraq! Of course, because "life sucks", the poor guy's getting shipped back off to Korea in a couple months...
Anyway! Enough of my stupid rambling, and on with the story! Hope you can tolerate the crappy fruits of my writer's slump ;P (slinks off and hides under a rock)
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Only the Beginning
Written by lolo popoki
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Chapter 13: Question!
He's here... he really is here...
Outwardly composed, Hiko turned his back on the specter and stepped inside, his thoughts and emotions in turmoil... whirling and spinning crazily, making him almost dizzy from it all.
The swords-master glanced down at the jug still clutched tightly in his hand. Or perhaps it was just the sake that was making him dizzy? He shrugged. After quickly downing the rest of the contents, he abruptly grinned, feeling more alive than he had in a very long while.
Kenshin was back. Ghost or not, his little baka deshi had finally come home.
Hiko's satisfied smile vanished as a sudden thought came to mind.
But why? Why now?
Frowning, Hiko set down the now empty sake container and turned, waiting impatiently for Kenshin to follow him in. There were still a lot of things that he needed to ask his late student.
After a few moments had passed, the swordsman grew mildly concerned that maybe his answer to Kenshin's question had been too vague. Belatedly, he remembered that grasping subtlety had not exactly been one of his deshi's strong points. As bright as the boy had been, he could be exasperatingly dense at times. Hiko had not come right out and told the ghost he could stay... Had Kenshin, in his typically clueless fashion, perhaps not understood?
Hiko took a step towards the door – preparing to go out and retrieve the little idiot if necessary – when the red-head finally appeared, lingering uncertainly in the doorway, an almost timid expression on his face. A sharp ache tightened his chest, as Hiko was painfully reminded of the withdrawn, abused slave Kenshin had been when he had first taken him in.
The older man scowled, shoving the memory of that sad, broken child away. "Well, what the hell are you doing way over there?" he snapped. "Are you coming in or not?"
Kenshin's eyes widened slightly and he suddenly relaxed, smiling faintly. "Hai Shishou," he murmured, finally entering the hut. The pair stood staring at each other for a long moment, a tense, awkward silence filling the room as they contemplated their rather unusual situation.
Hiko broke the silence first. "Sit," he said gruffly, gesturing to the floor.
Kenshin hastily sat down, and watched as his master turned and headed over to a cabinet in the far corner. After pulling out a smaller bottle and a drinking dish, Hiko returned, settling himself down across from where his apprentice was sitting.
He poured a small amount of sake into the little cup, and sipped at it slowly, savoring the strong, heady flavor. It was a much more expensive brand than Hiko usually drank; in an odd moment of sentimentality, he had bought it and been saving it for his deshi's eventual return. Long ago, he had promised Kenshin that someday he would pour sake for the both of them, but seeing as how that was no longer an option... Hiko sighed regretfully and took another drink. He supposed that this seemed as good a time as any to finally finish it off.
Feeling more relaxed (and somewhat pleasantly lightheaded by this time), Hiko glanced up to study the sad-eyed ghost across from him.
It's too strange... Not all that long ago, I was watching Kenshin's corpse go up in flames, and now he's sitting here right in front of me as if none of it ever happened. He doesn't even look like what I figured a ghost would look like... it's almost as if he was still alive...
He raised a contemplative eyebrow.
Hmm... In fact... except for the scar, and the fact that he's filled out a little, he really doesn't look all that much different from when he was a kid.
Grinning slyly, the slightly inebriated man decided to have a little fun at his student's expense.
He heaved a dramatic sigh, shaking his head in mock disgust. "Well damn, I was really hoping you'd grow out of that."
"Nani?" Wide, violet eyes blinked confusedly, as the ghost cocked his head slightly to the side.
The swordsman rolled his eyes in exasperation, waving his hand in a vague gesture. "That's exactly what I'm talking about!" he declared, confusing the ghost even further. "I mean, just look at you! You're still just too damn cute!"
The red-head gaped at his master for a moment and then bristled. "I am not cute!" he protested heatedly.
Hiko snorted. "Feh... you look like a little girl..."
"Shishou..." Kenshin's eyebrow began to twitch.
"Such a scrawny little thing too..."
"Shishou!"
"Terrifying, my ass. I'll bet your opponents all took one look at you and laughed themselves to death."
"Shishou!"
Hiko pretended to ignore him, delighted with the results of his heckling so far.
Aha! There he is... Now that's the Kenshin I like to see!
Tapping his finger contemplatively on the side of his chin, Hiko resumed his game. "Maybe if you cut your hair or something, you'd look less feminine..." he mused out loud.
Kenshin grit his teeth. "Considering the fact that I'm dead, a haircut is not exactly possible at the moment. And since we're on the subject of long hair..." The spirit glared. "Why don't you cut your own?"
Hiko smirked. "I look good with long hair," he stated smugly. "Even with it, I'm still a flawless example of masculinity. You, on the other hand, just look like a pretty girl."
Kenshin made a hissing noise between his teeth. "Do you enjoy trying to piss me off?"
"Of course I do." The swords-master arched a casual eyebrow. "Is it working?"
"Hai," the ghost sourly replied.
"Well then... good."
Kenshin dropped his head in his hands. The former hitokiri was coming dangerously close to pouting. What on earth was it about Hiko Seijuro the thirteenth that always made him feel like a petulant little child?
He knew damn well that his master was merely trying to provoke him, and yet he continually allowed the man to get under his skin. It may have been that Kenshin was just a temperamental teenager, but he had an odd sense that Hiko would probably still have the same effect on him even if he was nearing his thirties...
He sighed. "Why exactly did I come back here again?"
Hiko shrugged carelessly. "You missed my stunning wit and charming personality?"
"Oh, yes of course," the red-head grumbled, not bothering to mask his sarcasm. "That must be it."
Leaning back against the wall, Hiko raised his cup to his lips, hiding his satisfied smile. Oh, how he had missed this...
He had always enjoyed getting a rise out of his little apprentice. During Kenshin's younger days, Hiko's insults had originally started as a frustrated, last-ditch effort to drag the submissive slave out of his shell after all other attempts had failed. Surprised and thrilled by his unexpected success, he had then added the taunting into their training as a way to toughen the child against the harassment he would no doubt be subject to because of his diminutive stature and delicate, rather feminine appearance.
However, Kenshin's indignant reaction to some of his more colorful taunts had become a source of much amusement to the older man, and one of the main reasons he had loved teasing the boy to the extent that he did. Life had just been so boring without his deshi there to annoy the hell out of. But now that Kenshin had returned...
The swordsman suddenly frowned, reminded that he still had several questions to ask his wayward apprentice. Playtime was over. Disappointedly, he turned back to the ghost, all the humor gone from his expression.
"I do wonder though..."
Kenshin looked up, startled by the abrupt shift in mood. "Shishou?"
"Why?" Hiko began after a brief silence, strangely subdued. "Why exactly did you come back now?" He shot his deshi a piercing glare. "Why the hell did you wait until you were dead before you finally decided to come home?"
The red-head blinked at the slightly bitter tone, and ducked his head, his expression rueful. "Forgive me Shishou, but I honestly thought you hated me after the way we had parted," he replied softly. "I thought maybe you wouldn't have wanted me to come back."
The other man flinched inwardly.
And why wouldn't he believe that? Hiko thought almost guiltily. I had never really given him any indication that I felt otherwise.
Feeling tired, he rested the back of his head on the wall behind him. "I never hated you, Kenshin..." the swordsman murmured absently, almost to himself. "I hated that you had left... I hated what you had done... but I could never hate you..."
Kenshin's eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed. "Are you drunk?" he asked suspiciously. His master had been drinking almost non-stop since he had left Kyoto (not to mention the whole jug he had polished off before the funeral), and the ghost figured the man had to be drunk in order to admit something like that.
"What!" Hiko hastily dragged his attention back from where it had wandered. "I am most certainly not drunk," Hiko snapped defensively. "Unlike some people, I actually know how to hold my liquor. Baka deshi..." he trailed off irritably, muttering various epithets under his breath.
Kenshin leaned back, studying his master doubtfully, trying to decide whether the man was telling the truth or not. With a man like Hiko, whose alcohol tolerance was simply mind-boggling, it was rather hard to tell. The student had never actually seen his teacher drunk before. However, he had never seen him drink more than two jugs in a single day either, and he had already finished off – the ghost did a quick mental count – three large jugs and half a bottle?
He sweat-dropped. It was beyond belief how any human being could remain completely lucid after such a large amount of alcohol.
Nevertheless, he was aware that something was definitely off. Most people would never be able to see a difference, but after five years of living together, Kenshin was familiar enough with Hiko's usual reticent nature that he could tell that his master's iron restraint had slipped a notch.
Shrewdly recognizing that now was a perfect opportunity to pry some answers from the usually taciturn man, the ghost decided to take advantage of the situation.
"You claim that you didn't hate me, but what about the way you always treated me growing up?" Kenshin demanded. "Like I was nothing more than some annoying pest you merely put up with? After all I've seen the last couple of days, I know you cared about me. So why didn't you ever let me know?"
This time the flinch was visible.
"Why? You want to know why didn't I tell you?" Uncomfortably, the swords-master looked away again, unable to meet his student's accusing gaze. "I just couldn't, that's all..."
The red-head shook his head. "Shishou, please! That's not an answer!" he protested desperately. "I need to know why you felt it was necessary to make me think that you hated me!"
"You mean other than the fact that I thought it was fun?" Hiko tried halfheartedly. At Kenshin's annoyed glare, Hiko sighed, rubbing his face tiredly. A feeling of melancholy suddenly swept over him.
I suppose there's really no point in keeping it a secret any longer. After all, with Kenshin being dead, the main reason I had for treating him the way I did, really doesn't apply anymore.
Steeling himself, Hiko nodded stiffly. "Very well," he muttered, resignation in his voice. "I guess I do owe you something of an explanation..." Feeling a bit awkward, the swordsman hesitated for a moment; he had never been comfortable with heart-to-heart discussions.
After thinking it over, he gave a mental shrug. He currently had enough alcohol in his system to where he finally decided he didn't really care at the moment (although dimly aware that he would no doubt find himself regretting the whole thing in the morning).
Hiko finally dropped his mask and looked up, his apprentice gaping at the almost gentle look in the man's eyes.
"Mostly, it was because I needed you to hate me," the swords-master murmured, deliberately meeting Kenshin's gaze."Telling you how I really felt would have just been pure selfishness on my part." Unsteadily, he got to his feet, pausing briefly for the sudden dizziness to pass, and began pacing the room. His gaze became unfocused as his thoughts drifted to the past.
"Better to be hated by my own son, than live with the knowledge that I would cause him to suffer far worse by being kind..."
"N..nani...?" Kenshin gasped, his eyes wide with shock. "Shishou... what are you talking about?"
"The ougi, Kenshin," Hiko quietly replied, pausing in his restless pacing to stare unseeingly at the wall. "The Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki. I didn't want you to get too attached to the man you would eventually have to kill."
Frozen in place by his master's words, Kenshin was struck speechless, his mind reeling dizzily.
The ougi? What? Kill...? What did he mean by that? Why would I have to kill my own master?
"Shishou...?" he questioned faintly. "I would have had to kill you? I don't understand!"
Hiko lowered himself back to the floor with a weary sigh. "Kenshin..." he spoke tiredly. "Haven't you ever wondered why our sword style is so rare? Why there aren't more students of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu?"
Kenshin shook his head slightly. "I guess I never really thought about it."
The master sighed again and started to explain: "From the beginning, there has only been one master and apprentice at any time, and it's because of the ougi, the final attack to be passed down for complete mastery." Feeling slightly dizzy again, he closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall.
"The succession technique is inevitably fatal. To the teacher, if the passing down is successful, or to the student, if he fails. I...I too learned the ougi at the cost of my master's life."
Kenshin stared at his master in sudden understanding. Conjuring up memories of those earlier days, he saw now what hadn't been so clear back then. He remembered that his master had been quite different those first few months. Hiko had always been rather distant, but he had tried to be patient, almost gentle with the traumatized child Kenshin had been. But right around the time Kenshin had started becoming more comfortable around his master, Hiko had abruptly changed. He had distanced himself even further, using sarcasm and contempt to keep the child at bay. At the time, Kenshin had been confused, even hurt, by the man's sudden apparent rejection.
So many years of misunderstanding his master's intent and motives... but it was all so obvious now, what the man had been trying to accomplish.
"You pushed me away to protect me. You didn't want me to be hurt." the ghost said softly.
"In part," Hiko nodded wearily, opening his eyes with some difficulty and giving him a somber look. "You had been through so much in your life; I was afraid that it would devastate you... to kill someone you cared for." He shrugged listlessly and closed his eyes again. "Apparently I was right."
Kenshin... All the people you killed may have affected you deeply, but it was Tomoe's death by your hand that caused the most damage, wasn't it? Because you loved her. The guilt, the anguish... It ate away at you... festering like an infected wound... killing you slowly over time just as I had feared would happen. I'm so sorry... I wanted... I wanted to protect you from ever feeling that kind of pain...
Hiko's thoughts drifted away as consciousness fled.
Waiting to see if his master would add anything more, Kenshin gave a startled blink as the older man's quiet breathing slowed and settled into a much deeper rhythm.
"Shishou?" he questioned uncertainly.
There was no answer from the swords-master.
Kenshin blinked again.
He fell asleep? Well, it's no wonder with all that sake he drank. On top of that, I really don't think he's gotten much rest over the last few days. His exhaustion must have finally caught up to him
"Gomen, Shishou," Kenshin murmured. "I really have put you through a lot, haven't I?" He bowed his head regretfully. "Not just recently, but throughout all these years as well..."
He rose to his feet and quietly retrieved a blanket from the pile in the corner. Crouching down, the spirit gently tucked it around his master's shoulders. With a fond smile, he studied the sleeping man's face. It was a rare occasion that he got a chance to see Hiko in such a relaxed state. Kenshin reached out and brushed away a strand of hair from his master's face.
He looks so peaceful now... I've never seen him quite like this before.
The spirit settled back to keep affectionate watch as his master slept, wishing to preserve that hard-earned tranquility.
"You called me your son, Shishou..." he softly whispered, his voice trembling slightly with emotion. "I'll never forget you said that." The ghost's contented smile turned slightly wicked.
"And you had better believe I'll never let you forget it either..."
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I'm still not really satisfied with how this came out... I think it's overly sentimental and that it sucks, but SiriusFan13 has assured me that it doesn't suck, so I guess I'll trust her opinion over mine, since I just generally hate most of my own writing anymore. Also, she's also been sweet enough to draw me another fanart for this story! Hiko blushing... so cute :) Here's the link: www(dot)fanart-central(dot)net/pic-275418(dot)html. Enjoy!
I've heard the rumors, and even signed that petition that had been circulating, about ffdotnet not allowing reviewer responses anymore. I have not been able to find anything in their policies that substantiates this claim, so I'm just going to write it off as a rumor and continue to reply to your wonderful reviews :) Although, even if it was true, I'd still do it anyway. Hahaha... look at me! I'm a rebel! (snorts)
Reviewer Responses
Heh... I noticed that a lot of you really liked that "permission to haunt" line in the last chapter :) I'm glad I could make you laugh; I got a kick out of writing it myself. It seemed so perfect!
A big thank you goes out to: Crystal Snowflakes, Sailor-Earth13, kawaii meeh, Hitokiri Musei, Mip the Demon Fox, A lilmatchgirl, Night-Owl123, Katherat, Crystal Renee, AthranZallaLover, Angel8818, dragon618543, musicsage, and Vampiress-Alexiel. Thanks for reviewing! I'm so happy you guys are enjoying this fic, and I hope you'll stick with me and continue to enjoy it! Even if I do take months to update... (sigh) So sorry about that.
And now for individual responses...
sueb262 – Thanks for reviewing all my chapters :) I'm thrilled that you enjoyed them so much! Your wonderful comments and support have really meant a lot to me :D I know that you prefer the angst involved, but I do plan on humor being more prevalent in the storyline now. But don't worry; there will still be angst :)
Terry-McElrath – Once again, thank you for all your wonderful support and patience :) I've tried not to stress too much about my not updating quickly, but it's bothered me all the same... I hate leaving everybody hanging like that.
SiriusFan13 – Thank you so much for everything! I don't know what I'd do without you! And a big :P for not being able to go through with your threat! Hehehe :)
a.k.a. Arashi – I'm happy you liked the way the reunion went :) I had stressed over that for a long time trying to figure out how exactly Hiko should react to that initial meeting! I hope you like this chapter too, if you get a chance to read it. I understand you've been really busy lately. I hope you're still doing well!
BakaBokken – Ack. You were absolutely right about all those ellipses! I don't know what the heck I was thinking there. I went back and removed a lot of them and reposted the chapter along with this one. Thank you for pointing that out for me :) And thanks for sticking with me; I'm really happy you're still enjoying the fic so far!
Streetwise Girl – I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter! Hehe... The little Katsura visit scene you wrote made me laugh :) And yes, I actually do have a scene already written out where Kenshin decides to cook for Hiko :)
crimsonsun-rk / crimsonsun37 – I see you've altered your name a bit... Yes, I completely agree that the government is corrupt. I pretty much refuse to watch the news much anymore because of all the political crap going on. All it does is raise my blood pressure, or makes me want to cry... As for your question about Hiko being able to see Kenshin, I guess I answered that in this chapter :)
Peacebunnie – Thank you for such a flattering review :) I'm so happy that you think my characterizations are believable; that's one of the things I stress about the most, and I always think I'm doing a lousy job. I'm not sure, but I'm thinking that the story will probably run at least through the series' timeline... so that would be maybe 11 years or maybe more. Of course I have no intention of describing the whole 11 years! I'll skip around a bit :) Thanks again for emailing me with your encouragement :)
Anime#1Fan – (blushes) Thank you so much for all your praise... you're definitely my most enthusiastic reviewer :) It really makes me happy to know you're enjoying my efforts so much! And thank you for your good luck wishes on my job... I really need all the luck I can get at that place (sigh). Yeah, it is definitely exhausting. One of the reasons why I don't feel much like writing a whole lot. And yes, I do intend to have Katsura come back at some point, and I will include Saitou and Okita as well, so no worries there :) Published? (blushes again) Ooh, I don't think so...
WolfDaughter – You are so right... real life really can suck! Thanks, by the way, for the birthday wishes; that was really sweet of you! Hehe... I find it kind of neat that I can make people laugh and cry in the same chapter... I enjoy writing humor/angst for some reason, and I'm glad you like the results!
no one's friend – hehe... are you crying because you're happy I updated, or disappointed? ;)
senbi – Yeah, Hiko is definitely not someone you want to piss off :) Scary man! Heh... I'm glad you got some use out of the jaken idea :) Well, I definitely have plans for a meeting with Saitou and Okita :) Okita isn't dead yet at this point in the story; he dies in May, and it's only January right now. Other meetings I'm still a bit hazy on, although I do have some ideas :)
xZig-zagx – So you thought it was worth the wait? I'm glad :) Hope you like this one too!
omasuoniwabanshi – Thanks again for the lovely review! I'm so happy that you didn't think that Hiko was OOC in that chapter; I had really worried a lot about that. Now as for this chapter... I hope I didn't ruin that impression too much :)
princess-oro – Yes, I will be including other characters :) Am I a Tomoe-lover or a Tomoe-hater? Hmm... Well neither I guess. I just like her; she's an interesting character :) I never could understand why so many fans are so hostile towards her...
skenshingumi – That was such a wonderful review! I really am happy that you loved the way the chapter came out, and that you enjoyed my attempts to blend humor into the story :) I try to avoid pure angst, because that's kind of the way I am in real life too... Humor helps me to be able to cope with bad situations. Once again though, I hope I didn't go too overboard with the sap in this chapter...
Mir – Yes, it is an odd concept, isn't it? I'm glad that the idea grew on you :)
Lady Battousai654 – I'm so happy that you liked the chapter! I'm sorry that the flashback scene was a bit confusing at first though; I wasn't sure how to make it more obvious without resorting to putting a (flashback) ahead of it :)
Blaze Coyotlhart – Welcome back! I'm glad you liked the image of Hiko blushing :) That just popped into my head and I just had to write it! If you do decide to draw it, I'd love to see how it comes out, if you can figure out a way to show me :D Maybe you could email it, or post it on one of those fan sites?
moeru himura – The best chapter? I'm glad you think so, and that you thought it was worth the wait! Hehe... I love ruining a good dramatic moment with well placed humor :D And you're right about people doing weird stuff when they're drunk; I work in a bar, so believe me I know... (sigh) I hate drunks...
Unseen Watcher – I'm sorry for taking so long to update! Don't worry though, I have no intention to stop writing! It may take me a while to finish the chapters, but I definitely won't stop!
Althea M – Welcome aboard :) I'm glad you like the fic! I'll try to add some more of the painting descriptions when I get a chance... Now that Hiko can tease Kenshin to his face, it'll be more fun now ;)
IKnowNot – Thank you again for all your reviews :) Your comments and critique were much appreciated. I'll try to keep what you've said in mind, avoiding the use of boldface italics in the future, and making sure to keep my swearing to a bare minimum. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the story so far even with some of the problems you had with it, and I hope you'll still continue to enjoy it especially after all the sentimental crap in this chapter ;)
wyldcat – Thank you! I'll try to think more positively, but as you may have noticed, I seem to be in a "everything I write is crap" phase. Hopefully I can knock myself out of that. The story will probably end up running for a while, up to and maybe after the series' timeline. But don't worry; I don't plan on describing every single thing that takes place for all 11 years! That would just take way too long... :)
girl from ipanema – I'm really glad you like the story! Well, I do have vague plans about what I intend to do with Kenshin in the future... and while I'm probably going to include Kaoru at some point, a romantic ending for the two of them is not really in those plans. Becoming friends is about all that could be possible. I'm sorry, and I hope that you'll continue to enjoy the fic, even without it having a K/K pairing...
HandsDown – Ooh, another person in the panhandle! Yeah, those bloody hurricanes... I've been a nervous wreck this whole season worried to death that another Ivan would hit us. And then Katrina comes around... I'm grateful we didn't get the brunt of it this time, but my god... those poor people... Living in the Gulf Coast just sucks. I don't blame you for wanting to move! I'd like to move too! But I probably won't for a while. (sigh) Anyway, I'm glad you like the story so far, and thank you for your good luck wishes for finding a new job :) Still hasn't happened yet, but maybe some day!
Nemesis Jedi – I'm happy you're enjoying the story :) You're right, poor Hiko needed a bit of a break; he's had a rotten time of it these last couple of days! Well, you got your wish for a fanart of Hiko blushing :) SiriusFan13 did a really nice job on hers! I loved getting a chance to actually see it drawn out. Yeah, Shaolin10 took all her stories down a while back TT "Black Dream" was basically a story about young Kenshin falling extremely ill, and Hiko was trying to take care of him; and "Sword of Ice" was a sequel where Kenshin gets kidnapped by one of Hiko's enemies and Hiko had to try and save him. She never finished that one though (pouts). My version of Hiko is kind of based loosely on hers, in that there's that caring, father/son relationship with them.
Chibi Binasu-chan – Hehe, you've lucked out in that you haven't had to wait as long as everyone else for an update :) I'm glad you like it! A fluffy Hiko... (giggles) Well, plenty of that in this chapter; hope you like!