Wow, lots of reviews and all the chatter on twitter? You guys are great! So, here's a shorty of an early update as a way to say thanks for your kind words.

Chapter four

We started junior year without him, because, you know. We had to.

Normally on the first day of school, Emmett, Jess, Mike, Rose, Jasper, Edward and I would arrive together in various cars and in various combinations, depending on whose parents were driving and later, who had a car or license.

Normal, normal, normal.

There is no such thing anything.

I noticed Emmett in the lot first, all by himself. He had his hood up even though it was still too warm for hoodies. He caught my eye and I paused as he made his way over.

I didn't know what the hell he'd been up to for weeks, but from the looks of him, it certainly wasn't eating or sobriety. We said nothing to each other, really, because there was nothing to say. There was, however, some kind of strange relief in just standing next to someone who knew there was nothing to say. Who knew how I felt.

Rose and Jess were comparing schedules in the science hall and when I stopped next to them, Em swept right on, ignoring Rose. She rolled her eyes and held out her hand for my schedule.

"What's he pissed about?" I asked Rose. "You guys fighting?"

"We broke up last month," she said, her eyes on my schedule. I gaped at her, not entirely sure if I was the biggest asshole for not knowing or if I was hurt that no one bothered to clue me in.

"Why?" I finally asked.

But wasn't it obvious?

Nothing, no one was the same. We were a group of disjointed, fucked people now. We aren't who we were before June third. We wouldn't kiss the same or laugh the same or touch the same or joke the same or have the same flaws and voices and insides.

There was an announcement in homeroom that staff and faculty were saddened to learn of Edward Cullen and counseling services were always available to those who needed it. I wondered if the people who would take the guidance counselors up on it would have red #4s painted on their faces.

Jess and Rose held my hair back while I threw up in the bathroom, clutching Edward's rope necklace around my neck.

Jasper left an hour before the end of the day and took me with him. We drove to the edge of town where we smoked a bowl in his car and didn't say a damned thing to each other. I pretended not to notice when he cried before he finally spoke.

"Me and Rose fucked around." He gazed out of the windshield, his eyes a glazed and wet mess.

"You're an idiot," I mumbled. I wasn't surprised of pissed off about it. I wasn't anything I would've been before.

"I know it."

"Why'd you do it?" I asked him. Not because I felt duty bound to Emmett or the group dynamic, and not even because I was curious. I think I asked him because it seemed like I was supposed to, like maybe Jasper needed to unburden himself on me, and I was strangely not mad about it.

"You're probably the wrong person to say this to, but…is it so fucking wrong to want to just feel normal again?"

"No. But I don't know what's normal about you messing around with your friend's girl."

"It wasn't…like that? Like, I know this sounds terrible, but the fact that she's Emmett's girl never came into the situation. I wanted to feel good, she wanted to feel good…Em's been treating her like dog shit." He shrugged and dipped his head, absently inspecting the bowl and scraping out a few loose bits of green with his finger. He flicked them away and sat up straight again, squinting off into the distance and looking so lost that I started to feel stirrings of anger again. I pressed my lips together, willing it away. I could do this. I could be here for my friend. I grabbed the baggie he'd tossed on the dash and held it out to him, like a peace offering or something. He smiled thinly at me and stuck his fingers in, pinching off a bit of the weed that remained. He inspected that, too, rolling it between his fingertips as he began to speak again. "If it makes any difference, it was after they broke up. I don't know, I don't know. We're not even into each other. Haven't even spoken to her since. We're all just... different and fucked. It just happened. She told him, and he didn't even hit me. I don't even think he cared. She told him to get a reaction out of him, and he didn't care."

I leaned back and closed my eyes, wishing I could feel sanctimonious and rip him a new one, but it wouldn't come. I couldn't muster up the indignant admonishments that I probably should have unleashed on him.

I hated that I understood Jasper.

And that was the first day of junior year.

Once football season officially started, Forks High played the first game in honor of Edward.

The baseball team forfeited their entire season in memory of Edward Cullen.

Coach didn't want to; he gave a series of pep talks, Emmett said, about how they should play for him. Do it for him. But, like Emmett said, that felt like bullshit. They didn't want to play the game without him, and that was that.

I guess things changed in the same way that nothing changed.

It was a blur of grays and blues, days and nights, everything too dull to be considered surreal amongst the red warnings of "don't be out past dark," "call every hour," and all of that.

To me, there was no fear. I figured that if I was taken in the night like he was, well. Then I'd be wherever he was. Not that I went anywhere. Not that any of us did anything much, really.

I guess we kind of all fell away in our different paths. Thing is, last year, I never would have guessed that Edward was the glue that held our merry little band of trouble together. But then, maybe it wasn't just Edward. Maybe we would have fallen apart if it had been any of us. Or maybe not falling apart, but definitely falling differently.

I went to Homecoming Junior year with the girls. I cried in the bathroom and went home early. By the time Junior Prom rolled around, I danced. I noticed Jasper wasn't there; he'd been hanging around with a bunch of kids from Port Angeles. Rumor had it some girl from Seattle caught his eye. Em was there but he hung out at the spiked punch fountain with the rest of the former baseball team. Some things don't change, however: Jessica and Mike fought and broke up then got back together in the parking lot.

And then it was the following spring.

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