A/N: I'm so sorry to all of you faithful followers about the slow update! As life has become much more hectic, I have had a lot less time to devote to writing. But anytime I have a free moment to do so, I continue this story and have every intention of seeing it, with all of you, to the end. I hope you all enjoy this next chapter, as it has obviously taken me a while to finish it. I believe it is my longest chapter to date. :) -Via
The Killer in Me
Smoke drifted gracefully from the barrel of the gun in Shepard's hand. She had killed enemies before, but nothing could have prepared her for this.
Only moments before, Matriarch Benezia had been of sound mind; but it was merely a shadow of who she used to be. Through shear will the great asari had pulled herself out of the thrall that poisoned her mind, just long enough to give Shepard the information she needed to keep up with Saren. But a moment was all she could manage, and soon no one was safe from her wrath, not even her own daughter.
Instinct took over as the adrenaline flooded Shepard's system. Liara had taken one step towards her mother, begging for the matriarch to fight against the voice inside her head. The young asari hadn't even realized she had stepped forward until it was too late, and once her mother's will was broken, Liara had become the main target. In one fluid motion, Shepard took quick aim and pulled the trigger.
Benezia had fallen to the floor, gripping her bleeding abdomen as her breathing slowed. Liara rushed to her mother's side with tears running down her cheeks. The maiden pleaded for her mother to stay with her, to fight the inevitable death. Benezia not only accepted her fate, but also welcomed the release it brought from Saren's grip over her mind. As a once great matriarch who's will had been captivated by a renegade turian, Benezia was ready to die. Blood stained Liara's borrowed armor, and the two asari's hands were intertwined. Shepard couldn't force the image from her mind; it was as if the moment were burned into her memory. The moment she had killed Liara's mother.
But she didn't have time to dwell on it now. The lives of her squad mates and herself were at stake. They had activated the neutron purge, a fail-safe to exterminate any living creature in the facility, and had only minutes to escape the blast radius.
"Shepard, we have company!" Garrus shouted as savage rachni flooded the hall behind them.
"Don't look back, just keep running!" Shepard commanded. The tram station wasn't too much further, but she still feared they wouldn't make it in time. The sound of gunfire filled the corridor as Garrus shot blindly behind his head in hopes to keep the insect-like creatures from catching up to them. It didn't take long for the turian's stride to meet, and overcome Shepard's, leaving a straggling Liara in the back of the group.
Liara hadn't been training for very long, and her endurance couldn't match that of her squad mates'. With a heaving chest she struggled to keep up as best as she could, but her legs burned and felt heavy. Only seconds after Garrus passed her, Shepard noticed Liara's exhaustion and slowed her own pace, forcing herself to take the rear. She placed a hand on Liara's back and picked up her own speed, pushing the asari to go faster.
"Garrus!" Shepard shouted ahead. She knew that even though they hadn't slowed down too much, she and Liara were both closer to the stampede behind them. The turian turned to see the rampaging rachni barreling towards them, climbing over their own wounded to keep up. He grabbed a grenade from his belt and threw it into the air, over his comrades' heads, and into the rachni swarm. Shepard habitually counted the seconds in her head, but each one passed longer than the one before it, until finally…
BOOM!
The hall shook as the grenade exploded, and both the commander and Liara struggled to keep their balance. Shepard didn't want to think about the mess behind her, but the sounds she heard told her that they were still being chased.
As they turned a corner, the door for the tram station came into view. How long had it been since they activated the purge? How much time did they still have left?
"There it is!" Garrus said, but Shepard could barely hear him over the swarm behind her, and the desperate pants of the asari in front of her.
"Let's go!" She shouted, giving Liara another firm push. As he reached it first, Garrus opened the door, but he didn't go through. Instead he stood next to it, clearing the way for his squad mates, and firing his assault rifle at the rachni behind them.
"Seal it behind us!" Shepard ordered as they passed through. She could feel Liara slowing, but she wouldn't let her quit now, not while they were so close. With Garrus now in the rear, the squad took their last few steps and boarded the lone tram. Rachni clawed at the door to the station as Liara dropped to the floor of the tramcar. Shepard placed her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath, and Garrus manned the controls. There was a jolt as the car began moving down the cable, further from the terrible lab and its experiments. But were they still safe?
Shepard looked towards the station as it seemed to drift away, awaiting the devastation of the neutron purge. With luck, they would be out of the radius before it detonated, but she had no way to be sure of that. An eerie chill swept over her as uncomfortable pinpricks told her the hair on the back of her neck was rising in anticipation. She could no longer tell if her body was reacting to the gut-wrenching anxiety, or simply adapting to the cold of the poorly insulated metal tunnel. Through a large window, Shepard could see their pursuers climbing over one another, desperately scratching at the thick glass as if they too knew what was about to happen. A low rumble reverberated from behind the rampant rachni horde, and it was as if an invisible wave crashed into them, throwing them forward into a tangled, limp pile. The force behind the purge had been so violent, so powerful, that rachni were crushed beneath the bodies of their comrades, and a horrible green ooze sprayed against the inside of the glass. Shepard put on her helmet for protection, but she knew that if the purge could reach them there would be no way to survive it. Garrus and Liara followed their commander's example; locking their helmets on tightly they watched the station grow more and more distant.
A few more seconds passed slowly before Shepard let out a sigh of relief. It seemed that they had narrowly escaped the fate of the rachni. An aftershock caused the tunnel to shiver, and the tramcar lurched forward knocking its passengers off-balance. Shepard stumbled at first, but regained a sturdy stance, readying herself for the pendulum effect the hanging tramcar would soon begin. Sure enough, the car rocked backward on the cable, and Garrus gripped the control terminal for stability. Had Liara been on her feet, her natural grace may have helped her gain sure footing, but her exhaustion had brought her to the floor. As the tram car swung she began to slide across the floor and toward the commander. Braced for the impact, Shepard locked her arms around the asari and pulled her body close to her own. Liara wrapped her arms tightly around the human's neck, relying solely on Shepard for balance. The two had never been this physically close before, but huddled on the floor with Liara in her arms, Shepard never felt further away from her. As soon as the tramcar returned to normal, Liara let go of the commander, only confirming the fear in Shepard's mind. Slinking away, Liara leaned against the metal wall of the car, her shining eyes staring into nothing. The three rode in silence as the cable car carried them far from the destruction of the hot labs and back toward the garage that stored the Mako.
Shepard kept the mission debriefing short for Liara's sake, and as soon as the asari could get away, she disappeared into the med bay. Garrus' eyes didn't shy away from Shepard's, but neither could bring themselves to speak. The turian simply place one scaly hand on the commander's shoulder, expressing everything that could be said in one precise gesture. The two exchanged a nod before Garrus turned to the elevator.
Why did the mission have to play out the way it did? Why had Benezia put herself in such a vulnerable position? Of course, she had no way of knowing the power that Saren had. Her intentions had been completely noble and exactly what should have been expected of her. No matter how reasonable the answers had been, or how logically she thought about it, Shepard felt like a child as her mind continuously returned to one question: why? Why any of it? Why did Liara come with her? Why had Benezia attacked her own daughter?
Why did I pull the trigger?
Shepard walked around the Normandy mindlessly, carrying out everyday tasks without even thinking about them. No matter how long she thought about it, in the grand scheme she saw Benezia as innocent. The matriarch had fought so hard to remain the person she was, but she was unable to overcome whatever it was that Saren used against her. And now Shepard had innocent blood on her hands. She clenched her fists until she could feel her fingernails pressing painfully into her palms and decided, more than ever before, that Saren wasn't going to get away with what he had done.
Most of the crew acted normal. Whether it was genuine or not, Shepard couldn't say. But it seemed real enough, and she took comfort in the fact that some things never change. Some members, mostly non-human crew, were obviously concerned about Liara's well being, but not a single person dared to enter the room in the back of the med bay. And no one, not even Dr. Chakwas, had seen Liara come out.
"Commander?" Tali approached nervously as Shepard stepped off the last stair and onto the crew deck. A handful of crew members had gathered for dinner, the Quarian being one of them.
"Yes, Tali?" Shepard tried her best to sound in a good mood.
"I'm worried. About Liara.. It's been a couple of days since..." the Quarian paused and wrung her gloved hands together. "Is she going to be okay?"
Shepard glanced over Tali's shoulder to see Garrus sitting at the table, watching them. His shadowy eyes met Shepard's in silent understanding. They had witnessed first hand what happened and how Liara reacted initially, yet neither of them could answer this question. The commander's eyes focused back on Tali, who's troubled face was nearly completely concealed by her mask.
"We all know she's going through a hard time right now. I think if we give her some time and space to deal with it she'll come around." Shepard fained a gentle smile and tried to convince herself more than anyone else. Garrus looked back down at his plate of food, and Shepard continued to the elevator to go down below.
She had hoped to slip past unnoticed and carry on the rest of her tasks for the day with little interruption. After all, she had enough on her mind. But she should have known better, she should have known who would be waiting for a word with her down in the cargo hold of the ship.
"Hey." a voice from behind her said. It was softer than normal and carried with it a sense of sorrow. Shepard silently turned to face Ashley, this time not going to the trouble of hiding the stress on her face. The two women stared at one another for a moment before the commander finally spoke.
"What is it you need?"
"I wanted to talk to you." True concern occupied Ashley's eyes. "Someone needs to check on Liara. She's been hiding out long enough, sooner or later-"
"If she wants someone to talk to, she'll come out of her room." Shepard began to turn back around.
"Look," Ashley took a step forward, "out of everyone on the Normandy you're the closest to her. I think she really needs you right now."
"Trust me, I'm the last person she'll want to see." Shepard scoffed. How Benezia had died wasn't common knowledge, but she couldn't help but feel it was implied. If only Ashley could put it together.
"Yeah? And what makes you so sure about that?" The gunnery chief's tone suddenly gained bite, and Shepard turned to snap back.
"What makes you so adamant that I clean up every mess aboard this ship?"
"You never had any parents to lose, so let me tell you it feels like hell." Ashley's eyes narrowed. She was fully aware of the cruelty in her statement, but she was getting angry and obviously no longer cared. An old emotional wound stung in Shepard, adding to the torment she was already putting herself through.
"Since you're so knowledgeable, why don't you talk to her? Or are you going to step down from that responsibility too?"
Taken aback, Ashley was lost for words. Shepard took advantage of her silence and continued.
"Maybe if you came with us, things would have been different. Maybe Benezia didn't have to die!"
"You don't know-"
"Is that how you plan on winning back a good name for you family? By sitting back and letting others handle what you won't?"
Ashley's yes darted away from the commander's, and even through a stiff lip Shepard could see her teeth clinch.
"So I'm a coward." Ashley shrugged apathetically. "Why won't you talk to Liara?"
"Because I killed her mother!" Shepard shouted. Ashley's demeanor quickly changed from aggressive to surprise, then to sympathy. Finally saying the words aloud caused Shepard to become unhinged. It was as if her confession made it true, and that the past two days were simply her living in denial. Shepard ran a hand through her short, messy hair and took a deep breath.
"Liara's suffering, and I'm the reason." Shepard sighed. Her anger had now given way to guilt.
"Hey," Ashley placed her hand on Shepard's shoulder, "You know she doesn't see it that way. Do you really think she's holding you solely responsible?"
"How am I supposed to know what she's thinking right now?"
"Gee, here's a thought. Go talk to her." Ashley replied with an I-told-you-so look that made Shepard roll her eyes before dropping her gaze to the floor. "I'm serious. Clearly you have some crap to sort through. And if you don't know for a fact where Liara stands, you're only going to keep torturing yourself by assuming the worst case scenario."
Shepard lifted her eyes to Ashley's, acknowledging her blunt words of wisdom.
"You know, for a gunnery chief, sometimes you can be pretty smart."
"For a council Spectre you can sure be an idiot."
"One of these days you're going to have to learn to show me some respect." Shepard crossed her arms and pretended to be stern. "I am your commanding officer."
"Oh sorry." Ashley stood at attention. "You sure can be an idiot, Ma'am."
"That's better." Shepard cracked a half smile. Originally she had dreaded this encounter, but now she was truly relieved. For a moment she had forgotten her reason for coming down below in the first place. Remembering, she turned to return to her work.
"Here, why don't you let me finish this up while you go clear your conscience?" Ashley stopped her with a gentle hand.
"Are you sure?" the commander raised an eyebrow.
Ashley replied casually "I've got nothing better to do."
"Remind me to give you some more daily chores." Shepard chuckled. Perhaps Ashley was right. If she didn't go talk to Liara now, it would only give her fear the opportunity to convince her once again to avoid that conversation. It was a strange how much power her fear had over her. After all the life threatening battles and dangerous situations she willingly put herself in, the one thing she obstinately avoided was neither dangerous nor life threatening. Wasn't that the answer? Physical pain she knew how to handle. Emotional pain can't be bandaged or stitched. But there was something the two had in common: when the wounds heal, a scar remains. Shepard knew that all to well.
She steeled herself as best she could, and her mind ran through as many scenarios as the short elevator ride would allow. The thought of Liara enraged was hard to imagine, but Shepard didn't rule out the possibility. When the visual came together in her head, it wasn't Liara's face she saw, but rather the menacing, twisted face of the Matriarch.
Rubbing her temples in an attempt to rid her mind of the terrible memory, Shepard approached the med bay with a slow, steady stride. When the doors slid open she exchanged a greeting with Chakwas, who seemed encouraged, but not in the least surprised, by her visit. Shepard paused at the door to Liara's closet-like hide-away. Something kept her from continuing on immediately, something she couldn't explain. Standing just inches away from the cold metal of the door, she could sense the asari inside. It cut through the anticipation of conflict she was feeling and brought an unexpected contentment. On the other side of this slab of metal was the most caring, sweet, and interesting individual Shepard had had the pleasure of meeting. Since Noveria, to Shepard time had been slowing down more and more, and their span apart had now seemed much longer than it was in reality. Shepard was satisfied simply knowing that there was so little to separate them now, and that she could enjoy being so close to Liara again.
But that wasn't entirely true. On the other side of the door couldn't be the sweet and caring asari she had come to love, but the broken maiden who replaced her. And Shepard couldn't find anywhere else to place the burden of guilt but on herself. Bearing that in her mind, she let her knuckles tap three hollow knocks on the steel barrier. She couldn't bring herself to barging in unannounced.
Muffled sounds of movement echoed from the other side of the door, and Shepard's instinct to run had returned. Was she really prepared to face Liara? Did Liara want to be consoled by her? She didn't have time to answer these questions before the door opened.
Liara stood at the door frame, dressed in her usual lab attire as if today were like any other. But the deep purple beneath her eyes, and the soft discolored lines descending from them down her cheeks made it clear that she wasn't capable of carrying out her regular research.
"Hello, Commander." her greeting was polite, but flat.
"Liara," Shepard said lightly, taking in the asari's worn appearance, "I-can I come in?"
"It is your ship," Liara nodded and stepped away from the door way to give Shepard room to enter. "I would presume you are welcome anywhere."
"I wouldn't want to intrude." Shepard stepped in, careful to not crowd Liara's personal space.
"Not at all."
"Well, good."
The door closed, and the two stood in silence, both avoiding any eye contact. Why did this have to be so difficult?
"So," Shepard spoke up first, "How are you doing?"
Liara closed her eyes for a moment before answering. "I am well."
"Are you really?" Shepard prodded cautiously. She hated seeing her like this.
"I will be fine, Shepard." Liara insisted with a nod. Shepard should have known she wouldn't answer her questions directly. At the rate this conversation was going, very little progress would be made.
"I'm sorry." Shepard said, deciding to get straight to the point.
"Your sympathy is not necessary, Commander." Liara brushed it off and began to turn towards the counter that lined the wall. Shepard reached and caught her arm gently.
"No, I-" Shepard took a deep breath, and her hand unconsciously slid down into Liara's, pulling the asari closer. "I'm sorry. Not for what happened, but for what I did."
Their eyes met, as if for the first time.
"Liara, I'm sorry." Shepard repeated, trying not to choke. It wasn't common place for her to cry, but her heart certainly wasn't made of stone. She could feel the urge building up inside, like the pressure of steam in a tea kettle. But she wouldn't give place to tears today.
"Shepard..." Liara furrowed her brow with confusion, and her eyes darted back and forth between either of Shepard's as if searching for an answer. The commander dropped her head, unable to bear looking into the deep blue orbs.
"I didn't think, I just... I just..." Shepard couldn't bring herself to say the words, not to Liara.
"You did what you had to do," Liara said calmly, "what was expected of you."
"There could have been another way." Shepard looked up again. "But I didn't look for it. I should've."
"No one wishes more than I that you could have found another option," Liara began with a comforting tone, "but we had neither the time, nor luxury."
This wasn't the reason Shepard had come here. Despite her feelings of guilt and shame, she hadn't come to Liara for comfort. Had she? Ashley had said something about clearing her conscience, was this some sick way of looking for approval? No, this was all wrong. Shepard had expected to find the young asari grief stricken and falling to pieces, but Liara was calm and collected, almost cold. How could she have grieved, accepted, and gained closure with her mother's death in a matter of hours? Was there something built in to the asari that helped them bypass all the pain through sheer wisdom? Shepard had dealt with other races before, and she had spent enough time with them to know that their emotions were just like humans. Liara was merely saving face.
But Shepard needed to know how Liara felt about her now. It seemed so long ago, but it had only been days since their heart-felt confessions in her cabin. Now that she had taken away something she held dear, taken a loved one out of her life, could Liara's feeling have changed? Shepard wouldn't blame her if they had, but she didn't know if she would be prepared to take up the burden of Liara's hatred.
"Please don't hate me." Shepard's voice was nearly a whisper as she begged. She could eventually deal with Liara losing romantic interest in her, she could accept Liara disliking her from here on out. But she knew hate was a punishment she could not bear, and she would do anything, even beg in desperation to be free of that sentence.
Liara's brow furrowed again, but this time with heartache. She shook her head and asked "Why would I hate you?"
Unable to reply, Shepard stared back at her silently. Liara's fingers weaved through Shepard's, reminding the commander that she had taken the maiden's hand. Such a simple gesture, yet so reassuring.
"How is it that I'm more upset about this than you?" Shepard asked in concern. It wasn't until she heard the words aloud that she realized how aggressive they sounded.
"Do not fool yourself, Shepard." Liara released her hand and took a step backward, obviously offended.
"I didn't mean-" Shepard sighed, frustrated with herself. "You can talk to me. Or anyone. You don't have to deal with this alone."
"I appreciate your concern," Liara turned toward the counter, this time uninterrupted, and pretended to busy herself, "but we all have work to return to."
"No one expects you to get back to it right away. If you need some time-"
"Benezia made her decision. The person she became was... I did not know her."
"That doesn't change the fact that she was your mother." the commander said, surprised by her casual view on the subject.
"Do you really believe I am unaware of that?" Liara spun around quickly. Her voice was strained, but she didn't yell. Her eyes glistened with newly formed tears, and soon she began to cry for what was obviously not the first time that day. Instinct pulled Shepard forward to wrap her arms around the distraught Liara who folded inside of them without complaint. She sobbed with her face buried in Shepard's shoulder, and neither of them spoke a word. There was nothing to be said; all Liara needed was someone to cry to, for someone to witness her pain.
"She was not herself." Liara managed to calm down just enough to speak. "Whatever Saren did to her...He killed her long ago." Her arms tightened around Shepard's waist, pulling them closer together than they already were.
"Saren will be brought to justice, I swear." Shepard said, struggling to not clench her teeth at the thought. Every life that ended since landing on Eden Prime was on him. Jenkins, Ashley's squad, Benezia... how many more people would die because of him? How many more of her crew would suffer from this kind of heartache?
"I know, Shepard." Liara lifted her head to look the commander in the eye. "I believe in you."
"As long as I have good people watching my back." Shepard grinned. Liara's tears had stopped, and they stood with their arms still locked around each other. As Liara stared back into her eyes, hope reawakened inside Shepard that maybe things could work out between them. Maybe Liara still loved her after all. Disappointment suddenly filled Shepard's mind as she realized how much time she had spent with Liara; she had work to return to that was already overdue.
"I should go." Shepard sighed, telling her unwilling arms that they would soon need to release. "There are things that I still need to take care of."
"I understand." Liara nodded, clearly wrestling with the same conflicting feelings. Neither of them wanted this moment of comfort to end.
"I can come back later," Shepard started to say optimistically, but then added "if you want."
"I would like that." a smile came back to Liara's face. Despite her exhaustion, of body and heart, Liara looked better now than she had when Shepard first came in. At least there was progress.
"Then you'll see me again soon." Shepard finally pulled her arms away, and Liara followed suit. "But do me a favor and get some rest."
"I will."
Shepard turned for the door, not giving in to the desire of a long goodbye.
"Shepard," Liara said just as the door slid open. The commander looked back over her shoulder, desperate to hear whatever the asari had to say. Smiling again Liara said "I am glad you came."
Shepard returned the smile. "So am I."