Chapter twelve

"Joe got the truck there before it burned to the ground," Charlie was saying, walking in at around four that morning. I wasn't sleeping, or at least I was sleeping lightly, so I tiptoed out to the landing, pausing to see what was going on. I listened at the top of the stairs as Renee started the coffee. Charlie couldn't go to bed now; he had to be at the courthouse by eight.

"What are they thinking?" Renee was saying.

"They're thinking someone burned the damned house down," Charlie sighed and I heard a drawer slide open, the silverware rattling with Charlie's shot nerves. "Inside was destroyed, and not by fire."

"What about the investigation?" Renee asked.

"We've been through it already a hundred times. We have everything we need, pictures too. I talked to Harry and Carlisle about razing the place, anyway," Charlie said, and I heard the chair legs scrape across the linoleum.

"You think it was Edward?" Renee asked.

"I think...that there were no witnesses and after an investigation, we'll have a cold case of arson."

It was silent for a few moments before my mom spoke.

"Bella was out there tonight."

More silence.

"We can't let her just run herself into the ground, Charlie."

"She won't. She's a smart kid."

"She's a kid desperate to help her friend," Renee said. "I don't know that there's anything she wouldn't do for him. The problem is she can't fix this. She can't... she can't fix him, heal him. And I think she's gonna end up in a world of mess trying." The room went silent except for the faint clinks of stirring spoons and uncomfortable parental shuffling. Finally, my father spoke, and when he did, his voice was quiet and gruff.

"Let's get through this trial. The whole city is a mess right now."

I showered the smoke and the night from myself and crawled back in to bed, my mind a whirl of distorted images and dark, vague flashes of painful emotion. And, oddly enough, the faint sense of peace.

Charlie came and tapped on my door before he left. I didn't bother pretending to be asleep. He lingered in the doorway for a minute, the familiar scent of his aftershave wafting over. He was wearing his formal uniform, and even his mustache seemed trimmed and groomed.

"I get it," he said after a few moments of us staring at each other warily. "I get being angry, and I get loyalty."

"Okay?" I said slowly.

"Don't lose yourself, kiddo. Don't forget whose kid you are."

"I won't, Dad."

"And in case you forgot the lecture from when you were five years old, don't play with matches," he added, just to make sure I knew he knew. He turned to go but I called him back.

"Is... is that guy Vouch going to be there today?"

"Yep."

"Will Edward have to see him?"

"He doesn't have to look at him. Not today. When he takes the stand, he'll have to point him out, though."

"But today they'll be in the same room."

"Don't worry about that, Bella. Have a good day. Enjoy the summer."

We stared at each other, both knowing how dumb that sounded.

xxxxx

Around noon, Jake showed up with a cell phone full of pictures and an olive pizza.

"God, it's beautiful," I said, staring at his phone screen. I scrolled to the next one of a very obviously drunk Jake with a lei around his neck.

"You moron," I scoffed.

"It was a great time without you," he quipped back, polishing off the last of his pizza crust.

"I wish I could've gone," I mused.

"Really?" he asked.

"Well, under different circumstances...yeah."

"Well. You were missed," he said easily, and I had to stare at him for a few seconds to make sure that he wasn't hurt, that I hadn't hurt him. It was enough that I hurt; I couldn't bear the thought of Jake hurting, too. "How are things holding up around here?"

"Oh, you know. It all went to hell without you," I teased.

"That's always the way," he sighed, rubbing his stomach. "Seriously. You okay?"

"Yeah. It's just, you know. Hard. He..."

"I heard about it on the news," Jake said, wincing. "It's crazy. Poor guy. I couldn't even, ick," he said with a shudder. And I felt like such a traitor, a worm, discussing this with Jacob. It was weird. The whole world knew. I mean, the whole world would forever know what had happened to Edward. Really personal, terrible things that happened to him, but to discuss them with Jacob just seemed so wrong.

And suddenly, I felt really proud of Edward, for even showing his face. Anywhere.

"He'll be okay," I said, moving the pizza box aside.

"What about you?" Jake asked.

"What about me?"

"Well. Sounds like an uphill road for him. How're you holding up?"

No one had asked me that yet. Edward was our sole focus, as he should be, but Jake didn't know Edward. All he knew was a news story. It was me he actually cared for.

"He's not the same," I said, suddenly pouring it out to Jake, no matter how unfair it was to him or to Edward. "I don't think he'll ever be the same, and that's understandable. That's normal. That's fine. But Jacob, it's like losing him all over again, and this time it's final, so it's almost like. In this weird way...it's worse this time."

"Makes sense," Jake said with a thoughtful nod, sinking further down into the couch, his feet on the coffee table. "This time, you can see him, but he's still not there. And if he's not there, inside himself..."

"Then he's nowhere. I can't even hope for him to come back. Whoever he was is gone. I think. I don't know. How unfair is that of me, though?" Instead of sounding despairing or terrible or even mad, I sounded whiny, my first indication that I was the most selfish asshole on the whole planet.

"This whole thing isn't fair," Jake said, lolling his gaze in my direction before he gave me a lazy smile.

I gazed back and patted the side of his face too hard before giving him a smile back. He retaliated and caught me in a headlock, then gave me a noogie, of all things.

"You're absurd!" I shrieked, trying to squirm away from him.

He wrenched me over and came in to kiss me. I flinched.

"I kissed him. He kissed me. But it wasn't..."

"I figured," Jake shrugged.

"You did?

"Well. Come on. Yeah."

"It wasn't...it was, once. It wasn't what you're probably imagining it was."

"Whatever it was? Bella," he laughed, not uncomfortably or bitterly. Just... like Jake. "It's okay. This whole thing is so weird, and I don't think anyone has any right to...you know. Have normal expectations. I mean. Don't go taking on the football team or anything," he said with a smile. "And just. If you're committing to that, let me know."

I sat back and shrugged, utterly at a loss for what to say.

"He doesn't want me. So. It doesn't matter."

"Are you saying I'm second place?" Jake asked with mock excitement, pumping his fist in the air.

"I didn't mean it like that," I laughed, grabbing his fist. "I just mean..."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean. The two of you are such totally different people and situations! I can't even compare them. All I know is that I'm happy when you're around."

"So my plan to make you miserable is failing?"

I laughed and just like that, I let it all go. Somehow, his inability to be serious was exactly what I needed. So... I couldn't take advantage of him. I couldn't just allow him to be my source of comfort without being totally straight with him.

"Listen... Jacob. Right now? Kissing, and all that could come with it? I just don't know where my head is even at, and I don't want to lead you on. Because... because, the truth is that I'm just not over him. I'm not saying I don't like you, because I do. I think? You know?" I hated the falter in my voice, the sound of my own indecision. But I plunged ahead, determined to be straight with the guy. He deserved that and so much more from me. I cleared my throat before continuing. "If we keep on like, making out or whatever, it'll be like... I mean, it's exactly that I would be leading you on or letting you think that I'm over Edward, or that I'm ready for more with you, when clearly, I'm just not. I'm so not, and so that's why-"

"Bella," he said, holding up a hand and smiling. "Stop talking."

"Stopping."

"We don't have to make out, you goon. Or cop feels. Or even get down with the hanky panky. Truthfully?" He smiled crookedly and shrugged into his shoulder before knocking me in the arm. "I don't know how involved I even want to get with this whole thing. You being there for him, which- don't get me wrong, it's great and you should- but like, where would that leave me?" I nodded and looked down into my lap. "At the same time, well shit. School's out, I ain't got no job, and it's a boring afternoon. So." I waited for more, but he was giving me this expectant look.

"So?"

"So, can't we just, like, leave it at that? You have so much going on, important shit to deal with- why pile it on? For either of us? Can't it just be what it is? You know, simple?"

"What is it?" I asked, because I had to. I looked up at Jake, who was tapping his chin with one finger, I assume trying to settle a definition on us.

"Special friends."

"Special friends."

"Yeah. Friends with... maybe potential."

"I like that."

xxxxx

Jake stayed until around dinnertime, when he had to go help Billy in the kitchen and my mom sent me out to grab some chicken breast and a tomato.

Outside of the Albertson's I saw Emmett holding a plastic bag and dressed in a light blue button-down shirt and a sagging tie, his hair parted on the side and combed.

"What the hell is this?" I scoffed, waving my hand at his clothes.

"Fuck you, I'm handsome," he said, but his heart wasn't in it.

Neither were his eyes.

"Em?"

"Long day," he muttered, breathing out slowly, then waving at me, keys in hand.

"Emmett, where were you?" I asked cautiously, following him back out to the lot.

"I went," he said, keeping ahead of me.

"To the trial?" I squawked.

"Yeah. And don't...make a thing-"

"He didn't want us there," I said.

"He changed his mind. He asked me to go," Em shrugged, opening the car door.

I don't know what I looked like, but my guess would be really freaking devastated, because Emmett leaned over and opened the passenger door from the inside.

"Get in," he said reluctantly, and I did, just as it started to rain.

"It's nothing personal, Bell. I just think on some level...he needed someone to know. All of it," Emmett said, just ripping the band aid right off.

"Okay..."

"I wouldn't judge him for it. Any of that. He knows it. And that's all."

"He thinks I would?" I asked, incredulous.

"No, Bella," Emmett sighed, shaking his head. "It's just...different. After today, I wouldn't have let Rose in there. No way, no how."

"Why?"

"Because!" Emmett exclaimed, getting frustrated, irritable. "Because the shit I heard in there I never want to hear of or think of again. Okay?"

"It wasn't his fault," I said softly, staring out at the rain.

"Exactly," Emmett said. "All this shit went down and he was defenseless. And the crap this guy did to him is so fucking...it's so sick, Bella, I threw up. He doesn't want you to feel that way. He doesn't want anyone to know some of this stuff. And I don't blame him."

"It's pride?" I asked.

"Some of it, yeah, man," Emmett said, his fingertip tracing the steering wheel. "You know how like...God, this will sound dumb. You know how you trip and fall, and if people see it it's so fucking embarrassing, so you try to laugh or whatever, but everyone knows that you're just dying inside anyway? Or...even if you're alone and you fall on the ice, you get all embarrassed? Forget it. Not comparable."

I waited, but Emmett just gazed out the window.

"It's shame," Emmett finally said. "And he's got no idea what to do with it or how to get rid of it."

"He has nothing to be ashamed of."

"You don't get it," Emmett sighed. "You just don't get it."

True. I never could see the flaws in Edward.

"I want to, though," I whispered.

"I gotta get home," Em said, ignoring me. He started his car and hunched over the steering wheel, like the weight of the world was on his back.

"Listen," Emmett finally said, putting his hand on my arm before I got out.

"What?"

"The only thing i can think to explain it is...to him? Touching someone like the way he wants to touch you is only something you do to someone you hate. See?"

"I. Yeah. I see."

"No, you don't. Kissing or any kind of...you know. Sex, Bella. It's scary to him right now. It only makes him think of...that. And he doesn't know how to transfer it to a positive. thing"

"Okay..."

"No. It's violence to him. He doesn't see touching someone and kissing someone and anything else as affection. He sees it as brutality." He paused and planted his palms on the steering wheel, his arms straight, like he was trying to push himself away. "I'm trying to say..."

"What?"

Emmett tugged at his tie and flinched, ancient sadness and exhaustion and shell-shock making a brief appearance on his face. I paused, kind of sort of staring at him intensely.

"What the hell did you hear in there?" I asked slowly, sitting back down.

"Hate," he shrugged, then put the car in gear.

I got out in a daze. I don't even know how I made it home with the food.

Hey, I hope everyone had a good update-free weekend! Gave me a chance to respond to everyone. Thanks for continuing to read this, truly.