Chapter fifteen
"Because it's Evil Dead, that's why," Jake told me for the fourteenth time, when I asked again why we were standing outside the old ticket booth at the Port Angeles Cinema Shack on the first weekend in June.
"I can find this for you on Netflix. Or anywhere. I think my dad has this movie in the basement somewhere, like on eight track or 8mm or whatever the really old, decrepit films are kept on."
"Bella. It's Evil Dead. In a the-a-ter," Jake said, punctuating each syllable with his voice and a finger in the air.
"I guess," I shrugged, but apparently he wasn't alone in his excitement; the sidewalk was packed with people milling around, waiting to buy tickets.
"You just...be patient and nice and I'll buy you popcorn."
"Large," I insisted.
"Large."
"And some M&Ms."
"And those, too," Jake said, craning his neck to see over the throng of horror movie fanatics. I swung my bag near my feet and inched forward with the rest of the crowd, scanning for Jess and Mike, who were supposed to be meeting us.
Instead, my eyes landed on Edward, who was standing to the left, his arm loosely around Tanya Denali.
I gave as good of a smile as I could manage and did this stupid, limp wave before awkwardly not knowing where to put my hand or when to put it down.
"What are you doing?" Jake laughed, grabbing my fingertips.
"I saw someone I know."
"Who, J-Stan and her Wubby?" Jake asked, looking around.
"You're so bizarre," I murmured absently. I kind of wanted to turn my back because I saw that Edward and Tanya were coming over; he had his eyes on the ground and his upper lip in his mouth. Tanya looked bored. Still.
I hated that it had to be so awkward. I hated that my mouth went dry and I had this wonderful, cute funny guy next to me and I just wanted to lift up Edward's arm and crawl underneath it. I hated that in my other life, the one where Aro Vouch didn't exist, that I'd be standing there with Edward and Tanya would be mooning from afar, like she always had been.
I chewed the corner of my lip, trying for unaffected, then I was struck by a sudden, very real threat: I might cry.
It was just all so wrong and so impossible and I felt like a spoiled child. I wanted to stomp my foot and call do-over! Mine! This is all wrong and no one is helping to fix it!
But I just widened my smile and looked up.
"Hey," I said. "Evil Dead fans?"
"It's supposedly a classic," Tanya shrugged. "I've never heard of it."
Jake's eyes widened and he opened his mouth, about to unleash the tirade I was subjected to the day before.
"So," I said, clearing my throat to cut him off, not wanting any more conversation with them than was absolutely, politely necessary. "Jake, this is Tanya and Edward...they go to Forks with me. Well, Tanya graduated. This is Jake, you guys."
Jake brought his arm over my head, giving no indication of knowing a thing about Edward.
"Hey," he said, all easy-going manners and bright smile. He shook hands with Edward who gave him a nod and maybe even a muttered greeting. "And hell yeah, it's a classic. I've been waiting for this all week."
"I don't really like gore in movies," Tanya said, wrinkling her nose.
"Girl. You are in the wrong place," Jake said, shaking his head ruefully, then he grinned at Edward. "I had no idea Evil Dead was such a turn-off for girls." Edward returned the smile and said nothing, but Jake is like, impossible to make awkward.
"Now that you know, you're not deterred, anyway," I pointed out to Jacob.
"I know. You're a sport," he mocked, chucking me on the arm.
"Well. The plan is to not really watch at all," Tanya said. "Everyone knows that's why guys take girls to scary movies."
"Pssh. I'm spending twelve bucks, and it's Evil Dead. I'm watching," Jake said proudly and I just couldn't stop staring at Edward, who was gazing out to the crowd.
"I want to watch it, too," Edward said, speaking up. I looked away.
It was too much. I'd lost him once, then twice. I have accepted all of it, mostly. It sucked that it was no one's fault but Vouch's, and I understood all of that, but sometimes I was really pissed off and sometimes it was crystal clear that I was still in love with the kid, like right all of those sometimes happened, it was like a punch in throat. And you know what?
Sometimes, it's okay not to deal. Sometimes, things are just too much and you just have to separate.
I didn't know if he could tell or not, either of them. I didn't know if they could tell the turmoil going on inside of me.
"Let's go see if the concession stand is open," I said, tugging on Jake's hand.
"Okay," he said easily, sending a wave and a smile over his shoulder while I dragged him away.
"That went well," he noted once we were in a clearing on the sidewalk. "He's quiet. I guess that's about right."
"It's just too weird," I breathed to Jake, determined not to ruin his big night. He pulled me in to hug him, swinging me back and forth playfully, and I rested my head on his shoulder and smiled, even when a tear hit his shirt.
"You're okay," he said into the top of my head. "Nothing a good Evil Dead viewing can't fix. Am I right?"
"Totally," I snorted, squeezing him tighter. I hung on to Jacob, letting people shuffle past. I caught Edward's eye. He was watching me hanging on to Jacob. Mike and Jess decided to finally show up, and in the chaos of greetings and fist-bumps and ohmygods, I craned my neck around, looking out into the crowd.
I smiled at Edward limply over Jacob's shoulder and Edward held up one hand in greeting again before turning away.
xxxxx
"No, the skank that works at Old Navy," Jess said a couple of days later.
"The blonde with the dreads?" Rose asked, confused.
"No, the brunette with the nose stud," Jessica said. "She texted him a picture of it. And her snatch."
"Seriously. Stop going to the mall," Rosalie said.
"All tanks and capris are seventy percent off at American Eagle," Jess said weakly.
"He cheats!" Jasper said, throwing his hands up, finally joining the conversation after sitting silently next to Emmett for ten minutes. "It's what he does! Okay? If you go to the mall, he will give his number out. How are you not getting this? It's fact. Fuck."
"What's your problem?" Jessica balked. She rounded on Jasper and glared at him, looking ready to do murder or fist punches or something.
"Jess. We have this conversation like, once a month," Jasper said, running his hands through his hair. "I'm sick of listening to it."
"Then go over there," Jessica said, waving her hand down the beach.
Jasper sighed and shook his head, kicking up the sand again from his seat on the old washed-up log.
"Dude," Rose said. "What's your deal?"
"I'm just...sick of her expecting different outcomes from the same situation. Other things, really big things changed...and all she does is sit and go over the same shit over and over, I mean. Damn. Do you even realize how stupid you sound?" Jasper said, turning his ire back to Jess.
Jessica looked at him, stunned and hurt, her mouth making a small O.
"Jasper, ease up," I urged, tugging his t-shirt.
"Everything else is so different, how do you not change?" he asked Jess, but his tone was softer now.
"Maybe," Jessica began, her eyes filling with tears, "it's really hard for everyone, Jasper. Maybe a little normalcy and relief is...nice."
"Nice? How is your whining about Newton nice?"
"I think it's nice," Rose said with a shrug. "It's a reminder that...we're all still us." She put her arm around Jessica, whose red face was turned to the ground.
"We're not, though," he said thoughtfully. He gazed out into the clouds and tapped his glass pipe on the log. "One of us is way not the same." Emmett's head shot up at that.
"Of course he won't be the same," I said hotly. "What the hell do you expect?"
Jasper put his hands up and shook his head, frustrated with his own inability to get his words out.
"It's not...I don't know. Maybe it's me."
"What do you mean, maybe it's you?" Rose asked. We were all glaring at Jasper now, and he started to get this panicked look in his eye as he realized maybe he shouldn't have opened his big fucking mouth this time.
"I mean, I can't even like, look at him the same?" Jasper said carefully. There was a moment of tense silence as we considered this, and while I wanted to rail on him, throw things at him, I couldn't. Not if I was being honest. And by the looks on everyone else's faces, I wasn't alone. Emmett still looked pissed and stoic, but he didn't look like he was going to tackle Jasper. I just pressed my lips together, trying not to say anything, because once I started, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. Finally, Jess broke the silent stand-off.
"We'll get back there," she said softly. "It's just gonna take time." Jasper closed his eyes and nodded in agreement. "He's still Edward in there, somewhere."
"I know. And this is gonna sound really, really bad but...come on," Jasper said, then his voice dropped to a whisper, "the things he let that guy do."
"Dude," Emmett said, shaking his head. "He didn't let the guy do shit. He didn't do that because he wanted to!"
"I know that. I get it," Jasper said, "but. I mean, I'd die before I let that shit happen."
"That's because you're a fucking moron," I snapped, rising from my spot and stepping up to him. I could no longer hold it in.
"I knew you wouldn't get it," Jasper said and Emmett stood up fully, his eyes narrowing, his head cocking to the side.
"Then explain it," Emmett said, his voice dark and full of tense, barely-suppressed fury. Jasper must not have noticed, because the idiot kept speaking.
"Just...I mean, I try to have a conversation with him and all I can see or think is...that. And I just don't get how he could let it happen. For like, almost two years. He could've taken off. I would've died trying...and then I'm reading all this shit online about it, and I don't know. It never would've happened to me."
"Oh stop it," Rosalie said, rolling her eyes. "Just shut up. You sound like a fool."
"Maybe," Jasper said, "but I can't not think of it when I see him. It's so messed up just sitting there next to him, knowing that shit."
"Jasper," Emmett said, and I was relieved that he sounded more exasperated than pissed. "It's not even anything to do with, like, sex to him. It'd be like, the same if some guy took a bat to your head, or whatever."
"Fine. But that didn't happen. The other shit did."
"What the hell is the matter with you?" I asked, annoyed with everyone and everything. "Asshole."
"I'm being honest! You asked!" Jasper shouted. "You don't think I don't hate this? I do, okay. I hate it. I hate that I can't think differently, I just can't!"
"You better figure out how, real quick," Emmett told him, pointing a finger.
"You haven't thought of it? You haven't once been sitting there with him thinking of that shit?"
"Not in detail like that, you prick," Emmett said.
"Whatever. Then I guess I'm the bigot or some shit," Jasper said, then picked up his beer and stood.
"You better not say a word to him about that," Emmett told him. "And he's supposed to be here any minute, so knock it off before I knock you off."
"Well, if he asks..." Jasper shrugged.
"Jasper, don't," I blurted out. "That's like, his biggest fear. People thinking like that."
"He should know," Jasper said, wide-eyed. "What do you want me to do, lie to him and say it doesn't bug me? It does!"
"I swear to God, Jasper, you shit, if you say something like that to him I'll break your jaw," Emmett said calmly, shaking his head, staring at the sand.
"Oh, piss off, Em. We all have to deal with this. You don't get to tell everyone how to feel. Placating him, lying to him. It isn't helping him," Jasper said.
"The hell I don't," Emmett said, standing, shoving his beer at Rose.
"Emmett, sit down," Rose said tiredly. Jess got up and scrambled in front of Jasper, who dodged out of her way.
Jasper went in first, but Emmett took him down. It was quick, no hate to spur the moment on. Only stress, sadness, misplaced anger and so much confusion.
Just another consequence of this nightmare. Just more proof that it wasn't over, and it might never be.
It would have ended that way had Edward not happened upon the scene, at first sauntering down the beach with his hands shoved in his pockets, his pace accelerating toward the fray.
"Not for me," Edward said to Emmett, patting his chest once before leaning over and extending a hand to Jasper, who was still in the sand. "Don't any of you fight over me."
Jasper got up, holding Edward's hand and glaring at Emmett. I went all quiet, gazing out to the water, exhausted from Edward and Jasper and all of it.
"You're right about some of it," Edward told Jasper. "I'm not the same, but if you wanna know why or how or whatever the hell is bothering you… just ask me, okay? If you can't deal or whatever, it's…whatever. It's cool," Edward said, and I think he looked more exhausted than all of us combined. "But just so all of you know, I'm trying really hard here. I don't want to be the thing that makes anyone fight or cry or- I don't want to be the sore spot in anyone's life. I have this thing—I have always had this thing where I can't stand to disappoint anyone. It's kind of a bigger deal now? So like, yeah. I disappeared and shit happened, and then I turned up and all I am is this big letdown-"
"Edward, man, that's not even-" Emmett looked slightly panicked, and Jasper was an odd combination of wariness and extreme shame.
"Don't, Emmett," Edward said, shoving his hands in his pockets and taking a step back. "I saw what happened. I don't wanna be that thing that makes everything change. I don't want to be that, but I am that. Don't say it's not me. It is. If you wanna help, don't do shit like this. None of you."
Edward looked so alone. Tall and quiet and tired. His hair had start to grow out again, and apparently, a beard was developing, too.
Jasper held his eye and his shoulders sagged.
"Can you gimme a ride home?" he asked Edward.
They were nearly to his car when I just couldn't help myself. Like he'd said before, some things, whether they are relevant anymore or not, need to be clear. I jogged over to the car before Edward could leave. Jasper slouched into the passenger seat and slammed the door.
"What's up?" Edward asked, avoiding eye contact as he walked around to the driver's side. "You need a ride?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Um. Yeah."
Edward stood in front of me, swinging his keys, head cocked, but I could feel his nerves, more intense, more taut whenever we happened to be alone.
"Of all of the things I've felt for you or about you, then or now, disappointment was never, ever one of them," I said, speaking low and slow, concise so he wouldn't read into it. So he would believe it. "I won't patronize you and speak for anyone else, but me?" I said, hand on my chest. "You've never let me down."
"Okay," he whispered, the keys now still, his eyes to the sky.
"Okay," I repeated. "That's all. I just wanted you to know." He kept his neck craned, and I watched, mesmerized by the soft glow of street lights in the background and the soft pulsing of his Adam's apple as he swallowed a few times before responding.
"I wish I could be…what everyone is waiting for me to be," he said, at first slow, his words picking up speed as his thoughts solidified. "I'm trying really hard. I am. I'm working on my GED and I…" he trailed off and shook his head then kind of smiled. "God. That sounded stupid."
"No it didn't," I said quickly. And while it didn't sound stupid, it sounded sad. "You seem to have this idea that people want you to be a certain way or thing but, like, you never quite understood that people just like…you. No one is waiting on you to turn into something you're not. You know?"
But then, he'd always felt that way, hadn't he? Turn into a pro ball player. Turn into the town hero. And now. I couldn't imagine how layered and compounded these issues were anymore.
"Jasper hasn't looked me in the eye since," he said, nodding to his car. "And I can't blame him."
"Yeah, well, I can," I scoffed.
He smiled for a second then it faded and he finally looked down at me.
"Sometimes, everything is okay and I deal. And then sometimes I see you, and Bella…" he said, shaking his head, "I swear to God, I really fucking hate that this happened."
"Edward…"
"Tell me one thing?"
"Anything."
"Do you think we would've made it? We'll never know how we would've turned out, but honestly? Do you think we would have?"
That took my breath away. It took my words and my logic, too.
It couldn't be a healthy game to play, for either of us. But I'd be a liar if I said my own mind didn't go there all the time.
"Yes."
"I do too. For all the reasons I hate that motherfucker, that's gotta be in my top five. Because he did this to you, too."
Then he just went back to the car, where he had Jasper waiting.
I don't know what was said or what they hashed out, but I did hear three days later that Jasper and Edward were at the batting cages together.
xxxxx
Jake stood on my porch, rocking on his heels.
"Come in," I said, gesturing for him to follow me.
"Nah. Come on out," he said, but there was no teasing in his voice and I just knew. I'd been straddling the future and the past for far longer than I had any right for him to expect.
I slowly let the screen door shut behind me and looked down at my feet with a sad smile.
"You don't have to say it," I said, then gave a watery smile up at him. "I won't make you say it."
"Yeah," he said, then grinned, "but there are things I want to say anyway."
"Are you gonna ream me?"
"Yes. I am here to put your ass on blast," he said, then rolled his eyes before leaning against the spindles of the porch.
"Let's have it."
"If it makes you feel any better," Jake said, "I pretty much knew from the get-go it wouldn't work. I chose to stick around and have the fun anyway."
"You did?" I asked.
"You're not as subtle as you think, genius," he said with that wonderful grin that I had come to depend on. I kind of hated myself at that moment, more than I'd already been. Jake held his hand out to me and I took it quickly, letting him pull me into his hug.
"I'm sorry."
"Nah. We had a good time, right? And we're friends. You're one of my best friends, lady."
"You too," I told him, resting my chin on his shoulder. "I wanted to try, Jake. I really did. And I'm not like, with him. Obviously."
"Yeah, but you know. You're still grieving him. Your mind is always on that kid, and I get it. This shit is complicated. I don't hate you."
"A little, you do."
"Yeah, okay. Maybe a little," he laughed.
I smacked my hands on his back and he held me tighter.
"Some day, something is going to work out for you, Bella."
"You too," I sighed.
"Yeah, some day is next Saturday for me. I scored a date with the redhead at Dairy Queen."
"You did not!" I squawked, stepping back.
"I did," he shrugged sheepishly. "Come on. I'm here, doing the honorable thing and dumping you first. Besides…you were actually in love with someone else this whole time. I'm just trying to get to third base with this girl."
"She's a lucky girl," I said, rolling my eyes and leaning back into him. "Seriously. She is a lucky girl."
xxxxx
I went to pick up some take-out to take to Charlie at the station a few days later. Edward was outside, leaning against the brick and having a cigarette while Carlisle and Esme were finishing their meal inside.
"Hey," I said, pausing, not sure of one-on-one protocol.
"Hey," he said with a nod and a smile, so I stopped and shifted the greasy paper bag in my arm and proceeded on my way to the station.
"Hey, Bella. Hold up a sec," he called out. I turned to see him standing there, looking hesitant and eager all at once. I thought I noticed a hint of a flush in his cheeks, but that could have been my stupidly hopeful eyes playing tricks on me.
"What?" I said cautiously.
"What do you mean, what?" he asked with a kind of laugh.
"Well, this is a bit suspicious," I said, narrowing my eyes. "You don't... effort me." His smile slowly faded and he let me have that.
"I'm sorry."
I stood there and he stood there, but he didn't move away or tell me goodbye.
"Did you like that one movie or what?" I asked, for lack of better topics.
"What, Evil Dead? Yeah, it was pretty decent," he said. "What about you?"
"I hated it."
"Yeah, I didn't pay much attention to it."
"Oh. Right. Tanya doesn't go to the movies to watch them," I said, rolling my eyes.
"It wasn't her that had me distracted."
"Greasy popcorn fingers?" I squeaked out, my heart a-flutter, wanting to believe that maybe he might be trying to tell me something.
"I still hate popcorn. Not everything changes, you know." His wry smile was the best thing I'd seen in... well, years.
"Yeah, that's still weird," I said, feigning nonchalance. "Who hates popcorn?"
"You put ketchup on noodles. You have zero culinary judgment. Shut up," he said with a small laugh and I did this gasp-laugh-shock thing, because this was happening. This easy-but-not banter that should be nothing but was so everything.
"Beg your pardon, Heinz fixes everything."
He scratched at his eyebrow with his thumb, the cigarette burning low there.
"Well. Not everything," I amended quietly.
"It's weird," he said, swallowing and then tossing his cigarette to the curb. "Because time passed and we're all so different but then, at the same time, life kind of didn't pass for me—if that makes sense. I saw you with that guy at the movies, and I- well. He seems good," he said, and I could see that he didn't say whatever it was that he was going to say. He hummed before asking, "Is he good to you?"
I nodded, my mouth hanging open and my eyes blinking, nodding that yes, Jake was good to me, in a complete and shocked and surreal daze that we were actually going there, to that topic of conversation.
"That's good. Em says he's all right. I'm glad you have that."
"Thank you? But, I-"
"Can I tell you something and not have any kind of weight or expectation behind it? Just because I want to say it to someone, other than my therapist?" he blurted out, his words so rushed I was nodding before I even considered the question.
"I know we don't really know each other anymore. We aren't the stupid kids we used to be. That was a whole different world, and I know that. But, like- I can't remember if I ever told you then…and I case I didn't? I loved you. You know?"
"You did?" I whispered, and I don't know. I don't know what happened to my head and my heart, but it was somewhere between elation and devastation.
"I did," he said, nodding, staring out ahead. "I just—obviously, things ended…abruptly. But I feel like that needed to be clear? The whole world is different now, but... that happened. And I'm kind of learning that I need to acknowledge things and say them when they're important. You were such a good thing, Bella, such a good thing. I don't want to never acknowledge that, because it was probably the most important good thing in my life and lately? I'm getting really good at counting the good things. You and me were a great thing. So."
I could say nothing.
Well.
Nothing except for,
"I loved you, too."
Hey, I just want to clarify something that's been floating around:
this fic is not going to be much longer. I know I initially said between 25-30 chapters maybe, but it's shorter than that. I streamlined a lotta stuff, made the writing tighter. Er, at least I think so. Thanks for reading and reviewing, I'm still enjoying what you guys have to say, anon or not. See you tomorrow!