Merry Christmas to everyone! So, I still don't know the upshot of the little poll thing I did last chapter about whether or not I should end the story and make a sequel, so just wait a little bit while I make up my mind. This chapter is going to be dedicated to my friend Michelle for teaching me other phrases that mean "make out", some of which include tonsil hockey. I was laughing for hours after that, so thank you. Oh, and just to warn you guys this chapter is going to be probably as pointless as the last, and five times as fluffy. But tell me if you guys don't like that. I don't know about you people, but it is nice to just sit back sometimes and take a break from big important things in your story. Enjoy this chapter!
oOo
"Your turn." Katniss said, absentmindedly twisting the stem of her apple.
We were sitting on her bed, side by side, taking turns thinking of absurd, non-important things we would get when we get back home. Of course, both of us knew we wouldn't get any of the stuff, but it was just a game after all. And it passed the time during breakfast.
"Let's see…" I propped my chin up on my fist in false contemplation. "A puppy."
"A puppy? Are you serious?" The disgust on Katniss' face was obvious. "There is no way I would let you get a dog, Peeta. They are smelly, take a lot of feeding, a lot of cleaning up after, and a lot of time training, something we don't have."
"No one said you had to like my ideas." I playfully flicked her forehead. "I didn't like the idea of a candle-chandelier, but I didn't say anything, did I?"
She immediately went into defense. "This game is supposed to be about completely pointless crap we would live with! A candle chandelier would not only be pretty, but it would light the room and allow us to use less electricity."
"Since when do you care about prettiness?"
"Oh, shut up." Katniss stuck her tongue out at me.
After breakfast was over, I shoved the empty tray into the metal box and sat back down next to Katniss. She blinked once at me before crawling into my lap. It wasn't as if she weighed a whole lot; I've lifted up sacks of flour heavier than her. So all I did was bend my knees on either side of her and wrap my arms around her waist.
"Six whole hours to ourselves…" Katniss leaned back into my chest. "I think I may die of boredom until one o'clock."
"Was that sarcasm I detected?" I took one of my arms away from her torso and with it I swept all of her silky black hair over one of her shoulders.
"Well, duh." Katniss twisted halfway around, but since she couldn't reach my cheek from all the way behind her, she kissed my shoulder. "Being bored is something I try to avoid. And being with you makes it ten times easier."
Lips pressed against her neck, I mumbled, "Is that so?"
She didn't respond. Instead, she just flipped her whole body around so instead of her back being against my chest, both of ours were pressed together. Katniss reached up and put her hands around my neck. "Guess what?"
"Hm?" I could already feel my heart rate escalating.
"I got the use of my left arm back." As if to prove her point, she wrapped it around my neck.
When I pulled away from the kiss, I grinned. "So I've noticed."
Ah, Katniss; a girl of many words. Not. Again, she didn't respond to me with words. Her lips found mine and it felt as though something lassoed my heart and pulled the rope taut. Katniss just had that effect on me.
I put both of my hands on her lower waist, pulling her closer to me, if that was even possible. I could feel the back of her shirt riding up, the tips of my fingers brushing the skin of her back. Shivers ran the length of her body.
As if that triggered something, Katniss took a ragged breath and the world began to spin under both of us. Just being in her presence, kissing her like this was its own special type of drug. Every part of me was numb, except for a buzzing sensation in my fingertips and throat.
When I felt Katniss' fingers curl around the bottom edge of my shirt, I nearly pulled back. This was kind of unlike her, but I didn't really pause to question it. Go with the flow I told myself. Unless, of course, the flow involved punch-dancing senior citizens or Katniss getting pregnant. Then I would have to question my mental stability.
My thin blue shirt slid over my shoulder and was tossed to the ground next to the bed. But before it could go any further, I pulled away gently and looked her in the eye. "Katniss…" I said warningly.
She blinked, a blush visibly creeping up in her cheeks.
"Imagine if you really did lose your memory," I began. "And you woke up one day, thinking it was some time a year ago, and you were pregnant. That wouldn't go very well, would it?"
"Er," Okay, now her cheeks were a bright, flaming pink. "I-I didn't mean I wanted to go all the way…" she said sheepishly. "Just-just… I know it would be bad if I got pregnant. I just thought maybe since this was one of our last days together…"
"Might be." I corrected, and when Katniss looked away from me, I slipped two of my fingers under her chin and turned her face back towards me. "Have faith, love. Things could turn out okay in the end."
"I know…" She seemed acutely humiliated and didn't look me in the eye. Instead, she kept her gaze down at her hands, which were currently placed on my bare chest. "Sorry…"
"Don't be." I sat up and cradled her against me with both arms around her waist. "I'm not."
That seemed to cheer her up slightly. Katniss smiled and rested her head against my unclothed shoulder. "I hate to break it to you, Peeta, but that only killed thirty minutes."
I half-scoffed half-laughed. "That's um…that's…okay..."
After another vaguely awkward second of silence, she looked up at me. "Do we-we have to stop? If I promise to keep your clothes on…" For the second time today, she blushed, a pink haze across her olive-tones skin.
"You're impossible, you know that?" With a quiet chuckle, I leaned back down to press my lips against her crimson cheek.
"You've told it to me, like, twenty times." Of course Katniss was exaggerating, but it might have seemed that way to her. "But yes. I do know."
This time, it was me who didn't respond with words. I pulled the blankets up to our ribs and tucked a piece of Kat's hair behind her ear. "How are you feeling?"
The corners of her mouth twitched downwards in a slight frown. "I'm fine. Do I not look it?"
"No, no you look all right. I was just wondering." And I tucked her head under my chin.
We sat there in silence for a while, bodies pressed together under the white coverlet. Katniss was curled up contentedly against my naked torso, head on my collarbone, and hands on my chest. I had my chin on the top of her head and my arms thrown loosely around her.
"Hey Peeta?" Katniss' gentle voice drew me back down to Earth and I looked down.
The second I did, though, she had her mouth locked onto mine in fiery passion. This was almost new to me, Katniss behaving like this. Even though her hands did not stray any lower than they should, that didn't stop them from winding themselves into my hair. I felt a low moan escape my lips (didn't mean for that to happen) and without much self-control, I rolled my body on top of hers. As long as we didn't do anything it would be okay, right? It was our second-to-last day together, after all. But if I did happen to go farther, would Katniss stop and pull away? Or would she allow it, knowing it we would break before it got too far?
Suddenly, without much warning, a little something twisted inside my gut, not painfully, but something was wrong. When I broke away, panting, Katniss looked worried.
"What is it, Peeta? What is that look for?" She bit her swollen lip.
"I—" Swallowing uncertainly, I slowly shifted myself off of Katniss' thin body and sat next to her, defeated. "I'm not even sure I know myself."
A feeling was stirring inside of me, becoming clearer the more time I focused, but still I could not place it. Out of the blue came a voice in my head, a voice I did not know. This is the girl you have loved practically all your life. After years of thinking she'll never love you, you got her. And after one year of crap from the Games and the Capitol, you still have her despite everything. In two days she will go into surgery not knowing she'll come out just like she was. And yet, all you are doing is abusing the fact you two share a bed. Is this really how you are showing Katniss you love her? By making out with her every chance you get? Some soul-mate you are.
My facial expression must have been really peculiar for Katniss to have not tried to comfort me yet. Normally she would have had her arms around me by now, coaxing me into being okay with her kisses. But this time she just laid a few inches away from me with an apprehensive look on.
I held up a finger. "Hold on, Katniss." After a few seconds of fuzzy brain-work, I understood.
At school back in District Twelve, boys would make dating a contest. Whoever got the prettiest girl wins. Dating, in their book, meant the rights to hold hands, kiss, tell the girl her loved her. Of course, they never really did. But what makes me different from any of them? Katniss knew I loved her, but something deep inside of my chest said that if I keep it up, those special feelings we shared would crumble into dust. Making out isn't how you showed someone you loved them.
I slowly swung my legs off the side of the bed and stood up. This confused the living heck out of me. Okay, voice, I thought to myself, if you're so smart then what do I do? You said it yourself, that's no way to tell a girl you love her. I was no better than the other prats at school…
"Peeta, what's wrong?" A thin, reassuring hand slipped into mine. I turned to see Katniss standing up next to me, disheveled but otherwise strong. How would I explain this to her?
I squeezed her hand back. "I guess I should be the one apologizing now."
An endearing crease appeared between Katniss' eyebrows. "What for?"
This was going to be tricky… "I-I'm no better than the rest of them. The guys at school."
She shook her head, still clueless. "Still not following you."
"Dating to them is just rights to fondle a pretty girl. They say they love her, but do any of them actually do?" I gently took my hand away from her and balled both into fists. "I have gotten too carried away with you, Katniss. Lately it seems like I'm in it just for the-the physical stuff. It makes me want to vomit."
Now Katniss just looked frightened and wary. "What are you trying to say, Peeta?" Her voice was shaky.
"How am I supposed to tell you I love you when the words don't mean anything anymore?" I then took both of her hands and rested my forehead against hers. "How am I supposed to let you know how much I care without every kiss being worth less and less in these times? If everything I do to show you I love you is used back at home for nothing, then how am I supposed to keep you?"
Katniss' mouth opened, but nothing came out. Her eyes were shining.
"Is this how I show you I care for you?" Now I was just disgusted in myself. "Abusing the right to share a bed with you? Running my hands up and down you every chance I get?" I jerked my hands back away from her and stalked to the other side of the room. Anger and self-loathing was rising up in my chest, burning like fire. "Loving someone isn't meant to be like this. I'm supposed to get it right, dang it!" Those words were shouted, to no one in particular and I slid down the wall, ending up in a fuming pile of Peeta-ness. I hadn't meant to raise my voice. But somehow screwing up like that made me so mad at myself. I couldn't afford mistakes like that. Especially when they could cost me the thing I value most in the world.
A pair of bare feet appeared in my vision and Katniss knelt down next to me. I felt her hand on my arm and I resisted the urge to shrug it off. "You did get it right."
I looked up and found myself staring into beautiful gray eyes that only lived in my dreams a lot. I gave her my best 'oh really' look.
"Because I know you love me, and I love you back. We may not be perfect in every way, Peeta, but you know and I know, and that's good enough." She didn't drop her gaze.
"This isn't the way it should go, though. It's all wrong, Katniss. I am supposed to be good for you and know how to say 'I love you' in all the right ways but I keep messing it up."
"Then we're both screwed up." Now her voice was loud and determined. Personally it kind of frightened me when she went into her 'I-am-Katniss-Everdeen-and-I-hate-everyone-that-proves-me-wrong' mood. "We are both screwed up in the head because if you have been messing up so have I. When I look at you I see the scarred boy who was sitting in the cave with me those many moons ago. I see the boy who held my hand and made so much friggin noise out walking in the woods. I see the boy who I have survived with. And you know what, Peeta?"
She tilted my chin up and her gaze softened. "I'm looking at you now and I still see the same clumsy, sweet boy I fell in love with." Not only had Katniss eyes softened, but they were actually wet. A silver tear fell down her cheek, but she didn't reach up to wipe it away. "Every day I wake up and even though you may not know it, you let me know you love me. Every time I catch you staring at me with that look in your eyes. The way you're so careful with your hands behind my neck. And each time I wake up screaming from a nightmare, you are always there with your arms around me, holding me and telling me you'll always be there. And I know you will. Now with what I just said, try again and tell me I don't think you love me. Just try."
The air around us seemed to freeze, holding its breath, waiting for me to answer.
Finally, I took a ragged breath. "I don't think I can."
A sob ripped from Katniss' throat and she all but melted into my arms. Tears poured down both of our faces as I held her tightly, not daring to let go. All of that vulnerability left me feeling weak, yet stronger than I've felt in a long time.
"Hey, Katniss?" I cupper her wet face in my hand.
She still couldn't speak past the lump in her throat, but managed a, "Huh?"
"You know I love you, right?" We have exchanged those words so many times in the past year, it should have felt normal. But saying it now, after what had happened, the way I did, it was as though something fresh and alive was born inside of me.
Katniss cupped my hand to her cheek with her own, trembling one. "I know. And I love you too."
oOo
I hope it hadn't gotten too cheesy there at the end. You know, "I'm looking at you now and I still see the same clumsy, sweet boy I fell in love with." That wasn't too…lame? Anyways, if you liked this chapter or wanted to tell me it sucked, there is a pretty button down there specifically for you. No, really. Oh, and P.S: I think I am quitting that blog thing because I can't keep up with it. Sorry, and have a wonderful New Years!