Thanks to one of my amazing reviewers (sorry I forgot your name. Something like Gorgoto, I'm not sure), I now have an amazing idea. It would be in a really long time, really REALLY long time, but it is nonetheless and amazing idea, so thank you bunches. This chapter is still in Kat's POV, just to let you know.
oOo
Like he said, Peeta came for me at 4:00. I was completely silent, face emotionless as we walked back to the room. Peeta had his hand around mine, but I didn't return the pressure. Part of me was still mad at him for not telling me what he knew about the Capitol's relocation. The other part of my mind was full to the brim with worry. But not worry for myself.
Peeta had always been used as a pawn by the Capitol to get through to me. He was second best against the Fire Girl. If Snow couldn't get me, he would use Peeta to get to me for him. They would hurt him, torture him, and maybe even kill him. He was only in the question because I cared for him, and he cared for me. I couldn't hurt him anymore. Loving him only made things more dangerous. If I could—I winced at the thought—maybe let him go, he wouldn't get hurt. They would leave him alone.
But I knew letting Peeta go would hurt him a thousand times more than being tortured. And I knew that's what it would come to. If you really, truly thought about it, he was being somewhat selfish. He would rather die than being out of my life. What about me? If he died loving me, sure that may be worth it for him, but what about me? I wouldn't be able to live anymore. It would be my entire fault.
Horrid pressure was building in my head from all the thinking. So do I break up with Peeta, to stop from hurting him any further? Or do I love him as much as possible for as long as possible knowing full well the consequences for both of us? Never mind the fact that despite his previous promises of having a normal life, it would never be. Never.
We got to my room and I curled up on the bed, stressful tears threatening to pour from the corners of my eyes.
Peeta laid down next to me and pulled my head onto his chest. He didn't ask what was wrong or anything. I swallowed hard, hot tears squeezing their stubborn way out. How could I abandon him? I loved Peeta so much, but would this love end up worse for us than not loving? I couldn't leave him. I couldn't spend every night after, cold and alone. It would feel like a giant piece of me was ripped out, leaving my chest feeling painful and empty. Peeta had become a part of me.
My hands covered my face and I wept loudly into them. I trembled on Peeta. Excruciating sobs ripped up and down my whole body, and white noise filled my head. Is this what being alone felt like? I knew Peeta's arms were around me, his hands in my hair. But for some reason, I've never felt more abandoned.
Was I going to tell all this to Peeta? It would hurt him, hurt both of us. It would always hurt. But I couldn't keep it from him, could I? Could I just go on like normal, ignoring the fact that one day I would have to stand up straight and face the world alone.
The answer is no. No, I'll never be alone. Peeta would always be at my side, holding my hand, helping me through it. He would always be there with me, whether it felt like it or not. He would always be part of me, making me stronger. Because love was ten times more powerful than any bomb or Capitol spy. That was the difference between me and President Snow. I have something to live for.
Peeta's hand stroked my hair over and over, his lips whispering words of comfort.
Wiping my eyes, I made a decision. I sat up and told Peeta. I told him all that Haymitch said, and everything that was going through my mind. As I talked, the look on Peeta's face grew more and more horrified. Especially when I told him I was thinking about breaking up with him so he could be safe. When I had finally finished my grand speech, he looked as though he were going to vomit.
"Katniss, I—" His breathing was rough. "I-I need you. You can't just…leave me thinking you know what's best for me because you don't." Tears pricked his eyes as well. But they were twice as sad on him because he was a man. "You're what's best for me."
"I know." It was then I decided to add that last little part I was thinking. The exact words.
A millisecond passed before Peeta's arms went around me a second time and his hands gripped me to him. "God, Katniss." He pressed him face into my hair. I felt him crying. "God, you're just…"
But when he didn't say anything else, I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I love you, Peeta. I love you so much and I'll never leave you. I promise."
It felt as though Peeta's whole body tensed up and exploded, because just then his lips found mine and he was kissing me like he had never kissed me before. A live wire, a lit fuse, maybe even lighting shot out from where our lips met. Fire built up inside me, fueled by the mere thought of Peeta. Or was it his hands clutching my back? Or maybe the way my fingers had knotted into his fine hair?
I didn't know, and didn't care. All I felt was the scorching fervor racing through my head. It was completely new to me. There were always firsts to me, I had come to know. Firsts' when I thought that was the best it got. The first time I had actually wanted to sleep with Peeta (wrong move, there). The first time it felt as though a fire were inside of me, caused by Peeta's touch. The first time I yearned for his body to be closer, always closer to mine. These were new to me but this—this was beyond new. This was so alien to me it was almost frightening. I liked it.
It's too bad Peeta was always the 'good one', the one who was always so rational. Stopping things before they got out of hand, being responsible. How come we had to be though? If for just once in our lives could things not have a consequence? Could we do what we wanted, when we wanted, without thinking of the cost? But no, I thought to myself. We would have plenty of time for that in District Twelve. Now, I had to let Peeta be accountable and mature. But for some reason, I always had the urge to have fun with it… Taking off his shirt just to see that glint in his eyes when he told me off. Letting my hands travel a little lower than they should just to feel him tense on top of me. It was just those little things I wanted, and not the whole thing. Thinking of it like that made me sound like a pervert, but really I wasn't. Every time I do that the only thing running through my mind was 'This is my Peeta.' The one who starts it and has to end it because of me, the more rash of the two. My Peeta, who wants to always say the right things, but never realizes how much I love it when he stutters.
As I suspected, Peeta pulled away all too soon. My head was spinning round and round from lack of oxygen. I had forgotten how to breathe. Ah, there we go. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs, while my eyes never left Peeta. He looked exhilarated and lightheaded, beaming at me. Sure, there were wet tears streaking both of our faces, but that was okay. We were okay.
No other words were traded between us. We got our point across just fine without them. Still unstable and giddy, I took a second breath and rolled onto my back, next to Peeta. The past five minutes seemed to affect him just as it did me. There was the horror of reality setting in, then the literally life-changing decision knocking our breath away. And, of course, there might have been the part where he kissed me. It was that part that left my ears buzzing and the feeling of restlessness. I could jog three miles and back with adrenaline to spare.
Peeta ran his hand through his freshly-washed blond hair and exhaled. "Wow…"
I was planning to say something to that. It was supposed to be smart and logical. Or maybe it would just make him laugh. I wouldn't know, of course, because all that escaped my mouth was a small giggle. Oops. My eyes flickered up to Peeta's and I saw he was grinning, I think at me. It was then I noticed I was smiling like crazy, too. I forced my mouth into a semi-neutral expression. "What are you grinning at?"
He laughed. "You. Your face. Your giggle. You don't giggle often." Peeta pointed out. "It's funny."
"It's hard to keep scowling when your head feels like popping off your shoulders and floating away."
"True…" Peeta slip his right arm around me so where my head was resting on his shoulder. I could feel his heart beating madly from what little contact I had with him. No one's heart could beat quite like his. "So how did the, um, thingy go?"
"Thingy?" I resisted the urge to snort at Peeta's word usage. "It went alright besides Haymitch being angry at me for not wanting to give up my whole entire self to be the Mockingjay and sacrifice myself to the Capitol. I am already regretting my decision."
"Don't." With the arm around me, I could feel Peeta's hand rub my shoulder comfortingly. "You are your own person. Things happen when they happen. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. They can't force you."
"But, it's my—" I wrinkled my nose. "It's my responsibility. I lit the fuse; I need to put out the fire."
"You are just one person." Peeta wasn't doing anything to make me feel better, though he raised a good argument. "You can leave it to actual people with weapons and such to rage a war. You are entitled to a life of your own, Katniss. You don't have to lead a life you don't want to."
What could I say to that? 'Yes, I do'? Instead I closed my eyes and turned my body on its side, pressing against Peeta. I could feel a little strand of my hair tickling my nose.
Peeta took the hint I didn't want to talk about it anymore, so he just tightened his arms around me and settled into the pillows. So the rest of today and all of tomorrow were ours. It was going to be hard saying goodbye to him. I tried not to think of it, though.
I felt Peeta's lips press against the side of my neck. A tiny shiver ran down my body, almost unnoticeable except by the raised hairs on my arms. Things were so quiet and perfect, I wanted to live in this moment forever, but nothing is ever like I wanted it. Just then, the short ding of the dinner bell rang through the room and despite the coziness of the situation, I had to let Peeta get up and get it. Shivering, I noted how cold the bed is without him.
So, when Peeta got back with dinner, he sat down and I forced myself to eat. But things would turn out. We had today and tomorrow all too ourselves. Just thinking about it gave me goosebumps.
oOo
Hoped that chapter wasn't too pointless. Well, not pointless exactly but non-productive. Ah well. I managed to squeeze some fluff in there so hope you guys liked it! As always, please review if you liked this chapter or just wanted to say it sucked really , and by the way I put a new song written by me on my profile if anyone wants to check that out. :)