Aaargh I feel so so so so bad for doing that! At first I had one really long chapter that included the first half of this chapter, except I wasn't done with it, and my friend wanted another update, so I cut the end off and posted that part, but I feel so bad for doing that! It put the main focus of this chapter on Katniss' attack and I didn't want that to happen! So while your head is still full of my constant groveling, know that the last chapter and this one used to be one, and Kat's attack is NOT the main focus. Thank you.
oOo
As soon as it had began, it stopped. Like a wave of arctic water over white fire, my pain was doused but the cold brought on a second sense of burning, though this was going away faster.
When the freeze-burn feeling in my head was numbed, I was shivering violently. I was cold…so cold… But getting my senses back just then might not have been the best thing. I could hear several noises, but I couldn't identify whose were whose. The world was shaking around me so brutally I couldn't see where I was; streaks of colors flashed back and forth. I could feel prickles of pain on my fingertips, which were bloody from tearing around on the floor.
Once the world stopped shaking enough for me to see clearly across the room I saw Peeta pressed against the wall, completely flipping out. He looked horrified.
"C-Come," I ordered, the chattering of my teeth warping my speech. I could tell he was hesitating, eyes still wide. "P-Please."
I dipped in and out of consciousness, and watched as the blurry figure of Peeta walked cautiously over to me and knelt down. When I didn't scream or thrash around anymore, he put his arms around me and gently picked my body up.
Vertigo washed over me and for a few second I blacked out, resurfacing shivering even more. Peeta laid me down on the bed and tucked all of the blankets around me tightly. Warmth was slowly, ever so slowly, returning to me, starting at my toes.
Peeta crawled up on the bed next to me and pulled me into his chest, trying to warm me with body heat. It would work better if he was in the blankets, too, but I didn't try to say this. Blood was in my mouth from where my chattering teeth bit through my tongue and insides of my cheeks.
Blackness started fading my vision until it was all black. Except I could still hear and feel slightly. It was like a freak coma, or maybe I just lost my sight entirely.
"No, no, Katniss!" Peeta's voice was frantic. "Don't close your eyes!" He ordered, shaking my shoulders.
"'M so t-tired…" I murmured, a tremor of cold raking my body.
Peeta said nothing to this, just cradled me like a baby to him, my head flopped over onto his shoulder.
Relaxing in the blackness like this made me feel a little better. It gave me time to breathe and warm up. The convulsions stopped and I just laid there completely still with Peeta. But what was heartbreaking was that I could hear his nearly silent sobs from above me. I wanted to reassure him, to put my arms around him and smooth out his crazy hair. But my voice wasn't working well.
"It's all my fault… I'm sorry Katniss. I won't do it again." He said quietly, voice breaking from tears.
"N-Not your f-fault." I mumbled, using up all my energy to reach my hand out. I didn't know how far it had went, or even if his hand was where I was reaching. I felt Peeta's hands slip around mine and try to rub some warmth into them.
"It is." He didn't elaborate or anything like I wanted him to. He just leaned forward and put his forehead on my shoulder.
We sat like that for a moment, feeling each others' warmth through the pressure of our hands. After about ten minutes, the feeling returned in my limbs, and I was able to move them again. Another thing I realized was that the darkness pressing in on me was only the backs of my eyelids. Taking a shaky breath, I peeled them open and stared through hazy eyes at Peeta.
His face was contorted, streaks of dried tears staining his cheekbones. Peeta's mouth was pressed into a thin line of self-hatred. When he realized I was looking at him, he took a sharp breath and his wet blue eyes were full of remorse. "Katniss…" Voice barely audible, it cracked in the middle of my name.
Though I hadn't quite regained full use of my lungs and extremities, I managed to say his name back.
"I-I…" Peeta had trouble finding the right words. "That was awful. I am so sorry. Are you…are you okay?"
"Peachy." My throat was dry and hoarse from all the screaming, so saying that hurt. "Okay, I lied, but I am feeling better. How about you?" My eyebrows twitched upwards at him. "You look terrible."
"It was my fault, Katniss. All my fault. God, I'm so stupid." He pressed his eyes together and looked away from me. His arms still cradled around my shoulders, but they were stiff, unyielding. "I can't—" Suddenly, he set me back down against the pillows, moved a few inches away, and buried his face in his hands.
"Peeta?" I stretched my fingertips across the covers and put them on his shoulder, but he flinched away.
"I'm bad for you." Peeta whispered. "You could die because of me."
Instead of feeling horrified or sad or anything, I felt slightly annoyed. Boy, did he have things wrong. "The odds would be against your argument. If you weren't with me I would probably end up killing myself." But seeing his horrified look, I added, "By accident, of course."
"I saw the look on your face." Taking a breath, he stood up and paced the room restlessly. I noted that while he did noiseless tears poured down his cheeks. "When I kissed you… It was like an electric jolt shot up your body and you were screaming. It was my fault; don't try to tell me any different."
I bit my lip. I wasn't sure I could tell him any different. "Okay, fine, you win. But don't feel bad. You didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. And, Peeta?" I wanted to go over to him and comfort him, but I couldn't seem to get rid of the swooping feeling in my head. "This will be fixed tomorrow. After tomorrow, we won't have to worry about that ever again."
"If you don't lose your memory." Peeta pointed out sourly, refusing to make eye contact. He pressed his back to the wall and slid down to the ground, face in hands.
Forcing the vertigo feeling out of my head, I stood up. Okay, I might have stumbled a little bit, but I made it over to where he was sitting, and managed to sit down myself, though I didn't put my arm around him. "But mutually agreed that we'll except the worst until the best happens. So if we go by that, this is a pretty lousy last day."
Judging by Peeta's face, he probably thought I was blaming him. "I guess I'll stop touching you, then. Because it seems like every time I do, something bad occurs."
"No!" I said quickly. "No, that's not what I meant. I-I don't want spend my last day being unable to be with you."
Things were silence for a while. Peeta apparently decided there wasn't anything to say to that. We sat side-by-side each other, not linked in any way. His hands were clutching the sides of his head, elbows resting on knees. My legs were crossed, arms crossed awkwardly on my chest.
Finally, just when I was about to get up and go take a shower, Peeta took his hands away from his face and sighed. "I don't think I can do this, Katniss."
Even though he didn't clarify at all, there was an unmistakable sinking feeling in my stomach. What did he mean? My voice was a whisper. "Do what?" Though I knew.
He looked slightly mortified at his own thoughts, but he forced himself to say it, which seemed painful. "You and me this early."
That wasn't confusing at all.
"We are so young, Katniss. I can't stand being with you and hurting you so much." Seems to me like he was the one getting hurt so much; Peeta's face was distorted in emotional pain. "Maybe it would… Maybe it would be best if you lived with your Mother and Prim until we're older."
I blinked as the full weight of what he was saying landed on me. He didn't…want to be together?
"Katniss, don't look at me like that." He moaned, burying his face in his hands. "I want to be with you. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with you in my arms back in District 12. But… If this is how things are going to be, I want you ready. I want you ready to have your entire self committed to the consequences. And don't say you already are." He added quickly. "You never know what might happen. I want us to be…mature enough to know what we're signing up for."
What he said made sense, but my brain didn't want to focus on that. Peeta was all I knew. I can't try to make things normal before I be with him because I already am. Every day, when things like this happen to me it makes me realize exactly what he is saying. But every time it happens it makes me only surer. "When you said 'start over' a few days ago, I didn't understand you meant starting over all the way."
"We are just kids." Peeta repeated in an unsteady voice. "I want us to have a shot at a normal life to grow up a little more before we plunge our hearts into it."
"But I don't know normal." I surprised myself with saying that. 'Open' and 'honest' wasn't quite my cup of tea, and I realize that the past few weeks, or months even, I have been more open to him than I have ever been to anyone in my life. So since I already had that out, it wouldn't hurt to clarify for him. "Ever since my name was drawn from the reaping ball, I have been except from any kind of 'normal'. There has been only three ways I have lived my life. I was normal once, but that was thrown away when I became the Mockingjay. So, that's two: normal and Mockingjay." I counted in my head, feeling proud I at least had my counting talent still. "And now, the only thing I've known since 'normal', as you put it, is you." I had to admit I was getting a little teary, too. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I continued. "If you want me to go back to normal, okay. Fine."
Peeta looked surprised. "B—"
I interrupted him and finished my lecture. "But if you want me to go back in time to 'normal', I need to be the Mockingjay. The war isn't done, Peeta, and until it is, nothing will ever be normal. And who knows?" I shrugged. "Maybe nothing ever will be, even after the war."
Silence.
"Agreed."
My mouth nearly fell open in shock. Peeta agreed with me? I didn't realize that I had actually given him something to agree with. I was proud because my speech wasn't supposed to make him agree with something even I hadn't agreed with.
"Be the Fire Girl, and the whole time I'll be with you by your side. But at home we'll be doing things normal. If the war is over and won, we'll live together like you want."
It was a few seconds before the lump in my throat was past swallowing point. "Agreed."
"Now, come here." Peeta opened his arms.
Relief flooding me, and I practically feel onto Peeta's chest. Strong, familiar arms held me to him, not stroking my hair or anything like that. Just formed something like a protective cage, telling me without words that he meant it.
I pressed my cheek to his shoulder and tightened my grip on him. I never wanted to let go. Sitting here on the floor entwined forever was fine with me. I knew what I had sworn to when I agreed with Peeta. And if everything went just the way we wanted them to, at the end of this things would go back to 'normal'.
I would be tucked in by Mother every night, and would meet up with Peeta in the daytime to have a walk through town. Talk about bread, home life, and shallow things like that. And at night we would say goodnight to each other and go into separate houses, filled with the smell of fresh bread and a dizzy feeling. Then Peeta would decide when he thought we were both ready to grow up and move further.
It's a good thing I trusted his judgment, or for years I would be biting my lips, wondering if he would ever propose to me. But I knew Peeta, and the Peeta I knew would spend very little time dawdling around.
"I should pack up the food we left out." Peeta said, breaking my thoughts in half, forcing me back down to now.
Very reluctantly, I let go of him and stood up. For a split-second, dizziness stopped me where I was standing, making me lean on the wall for support. But Peeta's arm was around me, breaking my fall. And that's how I liked it.
His lips pressed against my temple. "I'll always be here, Katniss, whether it seems so or not."
And I knew he was telling the truth.
oOo
Do you know what I just realized? It is the 100 chapter! I know the last one seemed like it cause that's what it said, but one of those chapters was actually a half-chapter, remember? So this is the actual 100th chapter. Woo! I know I promised a party, but that is kind of…not exactly possible, so best wishes to everyone out there who has read or reviewed this story!
Soggybug, signing off.