A/N: I'm off to the doctor's this morning, but I thought I would put this up before I left. This chapter is a bit of a filler, but I'm still pretty fond of it. I think quite a few of you will be able to see why. I know a certain plot-bunny-loving friend of mine is particularly pleased with it as well.
Thanks to Iloveplotbunnies, Jisbon4ever, yaba, 13 Jo, and 24Mentalistlover for reviewing chapter three, and to everyone who alerted/added this to their favorites! You guys are the best!
Chapter Four
An entire week passes without any cases for the SCU. Though everyone else is concentrating on paperwork, like the dutiful CBI agents that they are, Patrick Jane is reclining on his couch, twiddling his thumbs due to the fact that he literally has nothing better to do. Well, besides said paperwork, but relaxing is really more preferable. Although he should probably be grateful that no one's been murdered recently, boredom always trumps everything else, and he just needs something to do. Consequently, it's time for him to bother Lisbon.
He pops up off of his couch and heads into the senior agent's office.
"Lis-booon!" he whines, his tone that of a petulant child.
She sits with her head on her desk, releasing a tired sigh upon hearing him enter. Slowly, she raises her head to look at him, displeasure evident in her expression.
"What is it this time, Jane?"
"I'm booored," he informs her with a pout.
"Like I told you when you came in here to tell me the same thing twenty minutes ago," she emphasizes, rolling her eyes, "I. Don't. Care."
"Oh, come on, woman! Let's go do something." He rocks back on his heels, offering her his usual charming smile. "We could go to the zoo. I know how much you love the zoo."
"You're kidding me, right? Don't think I've forgotten about the panties incident last week," she warns him, narrowing her eyes into a glare, "Now. Go back to your desk, and do your paperwork like everyone else."
"Wait, I'm still being punished for that? I thought my punishment was that horrid lecture you made me suffer through…"
"Out!" she huffs, slightly indignant.
"Okay! I'm going!" he raises his hands in a gesture of innocence as he backs out of her office and proceeds back to his couch. Not his desk. Of course.
She spends the next twenty minutes or so thinking of more ways to punish Jane for his indiscretion before her phone rings, interrupting her train of thought on how to get rid of that damn couch.
"Lisbon," she instinctively mutters into the receiver.
"Good afternoon, ma'am. This is Deputy Harper with the sheriff's office," the voice on the other end of the line informs her in a distinctively Southern accent. "We've got a dead body here; looks like a gunshot wound. We could really use your help."
"Where is here, exactly?"
"Uh, the Sacramento Zoo, ma'am."
"You're kidding me, right? Is this some kind of joke?" she questions him, a bit incredulously. She tilts her mouth away from the receiver before hollering into the bullpen, "Jane!"
He diverts his attention away from the ceiling when he hears his name, turning to face Lisbon's office. Upon seeing her anger-ridden expression, he quickly decides it would be best to find his way into her office, and do it fast.
"Ah, Lisbon! I knew you would get bored eventu-"
"Shut up, Jane," she growls at him before turning her attention back toward the phone.
"Erm. No, ma'am. This is not a joke, I assure you." Deputy Harper stammers into her ear. "And we'd, uh, like you to be here as soon as you can… ma'am."
"Yea, okay. We'll see about that," she replies with a huff before slamming the phone down.
She pinches her nose before addressing the current, and lately constant, source of her headache. "I don't know who you think you are, Jane, but you cannot just go around and abuse your position for your own amusement. Cases are a serious matter, and I will not tolerate pranks. Do you understand?"
Jane looks absolutely dumbfounded, his usual mask slipping in lieu of being utterly confused. "Lisbon, I really have no idea what you're talking about."
"That's the oldest excuse in the book, Jane. You're going to have to come up with something better if you hope to be convincing," she mocks him. "Seriously, this isn't funny. A case at the zoo, after you practically insisted not half an hour ago that we go have some fun at the zoo? This obviously has your name written all over it!"
"Lisbon. I'm serious. I swear, I didn't have anything to do with that."
There's a pregnant pause as she takes a moment to consider that he might be telling the truth.
"Shit," she mutters under her breath.
"I heard that." Jane pipes up gleefully before a withering glare from Lisbon wipes the smile off his face.
-xxx-
What should be a simple ten minute drive to get to the zoo quickly turns into a half-hour fiasco when Jane begins to whine from the back seat.
"Lisbon!" He calls out, far too loudly for the enclosed space of the SUV.
"What, Jane?" He's only spoken one word, and she's already irritated.
"Can we stop?"
"What? No! What for?" She glares at him through the rearview mirror.
"Well, if you really must know, I have to pee. So can we stop?"
She makes a face, deciding she probably shouldn't have asked.
"I guess you should have thought about that before we left," she informs him with a mischievous smirk.
"Lisbon!" he exclaims in agitation, leaning forward in his seat, "Come on!"
"And," she continues, pretending she doesn't hear him, "maybe next time you'll know better than to spend your entire morning drinking tea and bothering me!"
He pouts, grumbling to himself about the unfairness of women, while Van Pelt tries to scoot impossibly further away from him.
"Uh, Boss?" Rigsby tentatively pipes up after a few moments of silence, eliciting a sigh from the brunette in the driver's seat.
"Yea...?"
"I, uh... I have to pee, too." He quickly mutters, causing Lisbon to frown. Cho simply smirks, and Jane smiles victoriously while handing Rigsby a dollar bill.
"What the hell were you two doing all morning that this is suddenly such an emergency?" Lisbon inquires, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.
"Uh... chugging contest?" Rigsby offers up half-heartedly.
"Whatever." Lisbon mumbles under her breath, scanning the highway signs for any indication of a rest stop.
The next ten minutes are spent driving five minutes out of the way to a McDonald's and waiting another five minutes for Jane, who decides now would be the proper time to buy some french fries.
"Feeling better?" she questions scathingly as he climbs back into the vehicle.
"Much, thank you," he replies smugly.
"I got you some french fries!" He adds, holding out a second container with a huge grin on his face. She simply stares at him before turning her attention back to the road. "Okay then... I guess I'll just give them to Rigsby!"
They finish the rest of the drive mostly in silence, the only noise coming from Jane and Rigsby as they happily munch away on their fries.
-xxx-
When they arrive at the zoo, Lisbon quickly makes her way toward the crowd gathered outside of what appears to be the crime scene, the rest of the team following quickly behind. Sliding through the mass of people, she ducks under the yellow tape, coming face-to-face with the sheriff.
"You're from the CBI, right?" he questions.
"Yes, sir. Agent Lisbon. These are agents Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt. And our consultant, Patrick Jane." She nods toward each of them respectively, not even noticing that Jane has already wandered off, before extending a hand toward the man towering in front of her.
"Thanks for coming, agents. Sheriff Wilkins." He shakes her hand with a firm grip. "And this," he continues, gesturing toward a scrawny uniformed man to his left, "is Deputy Harper. He was first to arrive on the scene – it's his first homicide – and I decided he'd earned the right to call it in."
Deputy Harper nods sheepishly before distractedly pulling at his shirt sleeves. She moves around to the body and kneels down to get a closer look while Sheriff Wilkins rattles off all the known information.
"Hispanic male, appears to be around 40-years-old. There's no ID on him, so we can't be sure. COD looks like a gunshot wound to the chest. We'll know more once the ME gets here, of course."
She thanks him before instructing each member of the team what to do. Only then does she notice that a certain blond consultant has disappeared from the immediate vicinity.
"Great," she groans, "have any of you seen Jane?"
None of them have, of course.
"I don't have time for this," she mumbles to herself, stalking off in the general direction of the animal habitats to search for him.
She finally finds him peering into the penguin exhibit, seemingly in some sort of staring contest with the penguin on the other side of the glass, both of them standing with their heads cocked to the side.
"Who's winning?" She stands directly behind him and speaks loud enough to startle him.
"Well, now Amber is."
"Amber?" Lisbon questions, looking around.
"The penguin, Lisbon. Her name is Amber. See the sign?"
"Okay then... mind telling me what the penguin has to do with our case?" she asks, quickly losing patience.
"Oh, nothing really. I just like penguins," he informs her with a wide grin.
"Right. Now that you've managed to sufficiently waste everyone's time, we have a crime scene to get to." She walks off before he has a chance to object.
-xxx-
"How was I to know that the deputy really did do it?" Jane complains, grimacing as the EMT wraps a bandage around the area where the bullet grazed his arm. "I was only poking fun at his obvious state of nervousness. He didn't have to freak out and pull a gun on me!"
Lisbon rolls her eyes at his exaggerated hysterics. "First of all, that bullet barely touched you, so you can stop acting like it's the worst injury in the world. And secondly, I really hope you learned your lesson about spouting off accusations at people – you're just lucky that Harper is a horrible shot."
"But Lisbon, I could have died. Then what would you do?" The sparkle of amusement in his eyes betrays his serious tone.
"Oh, I don't know... go back to actual detective work like everyone else?"
"But you would miss me, right?"
"No." She can't help laughing at the horrified look on his face. "Just think how much less paperwork I would have to do, Jane!" she teases.
"Nonsense," he waves her comment aside, "I say we celebrate the fact that I'm still alive."
"Oh really," she quirks an eyebrow, "and how do you propose we do that?"
"A date," he replies smugly, his smile lighting up his entire face.
"Jane." She narrows her gaze.
"Come on, Lisbon. You know you want to," he chirps, suggestively waggling his eyebrows. "And before you object, it's not against CBI policy – I already checked." No, I didn't.
"Fine. A date then," she concedes, smirking as he looks momentarily surprised before regaining his composure.
"Excellent."