Chapter Twenty Three
When I woke the next morning I looked around the room noticing I was by myself. I sighed relieved that I didn't have to talk to anyone, I wasn't up to talking to any of our family yet. I noticed a tray of food sitting on the table at the end of my bed. I ate my breakfast enjoying it even though it was hospital food because I was so hungry. I had just finished eating when Edward walked into the room holding a tiny blue buddle in his arms. Looking at the bundle I knew it was my son, he was so tiny in Edward's arms I had no idea how Edward held him without hurting the baby.
Edward looked up noticing that I was awake and walked over towards me. When I saw him coming towards me I moved over on the bed so I was as far away from him as I could get. Edward stopped walking, looking at me moving away from him. He looked confused as to why I was doing it and in all honesty I was to. I didn't know what I was feeling one minute I looked at Edward and our baby and saw love and the next all I could see were the two people who put me through so much pain.
"Bella what's wrong?" I shook my head not sure what to say. Edward looked down at our son and moved closer to me holding the little baby out to me.
"Do you want to hold our son?" I moved further away from him shaking my head. One part of me was screaming at me to hold my baby boy, but another was saying no he's the reason you were in pain yesterday. Edward clutched the baby back towards his chest, frowning at me. I didn't say anything to him I just looked at him with tears in my eyes hoping he would understand that I was sorry.
"Why are you acting this way Bella?" I shook my head letting a sob escape I couldn't explain the way I was feeling. Edward seemed to be torn he wanted to comfort me but he had the baby in his arms. He sighed before speaking again.
"I'm going to get my father, I'll be back." I watched as he turned and walked out the door. He returned not along after without the baby and Carlisle walking in behind him. Edward lent against the wall at the end of my bed while Carlisle sat next to me.
"Bella, dear Edward told me you didn't want to hold the baby." I nodded my head avoiding looking at him or Edward instead I focused on a lose thread on the blanket covering me.
"Why didn't you want to hold your baby?"
"He put me thru so much pain. How can someone so little hurt someone so bad?" I whispered. I knew I sounded childish but my brain wasn't functioning properly and it was how I felt.
"Bella it's a part of child birth, the pain. It wasn't his fault it just unfortunately comes with having a child." Minutes went by without anyone saying anything. I finally looked up at Carlisle noticing he was looking at Edward. To me it looked like they were having a non verbal conversation. Before I could look away both of their eyes turned back to me.
"Bella, I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to but I think you should hold your son once he's in your arms you'll forget about the pain." Carlisle took my silence as my agreement and nodded at Edward who started walking out of the room to get the baby.
"Stop!" I shouted. Both Carlisle and Edward looked at me amazed I had actually spoken above a whisper. I grabbed Carlisle's hand looking into his eyes with tears in mind.
"Please Carlisle I don't want to. Don't make me do it." When he saw me like that he seemed to change completely from doctor mode to being a father.
"Edward don't get the baby." Edward seemed upset that his dad was doing as I asked.
"But dad she needs to hold the baby. She needs to feed him he's been having bottles but we both know that isn't the best. He needs his mother." Carlisle turned towards his son with a serious look on his face.
"Edward I am asking you as her doctor and as a man who sees her as a daughter to not force her to hold the baby." Carlisle stood from the bed walking towards Edward putting his hand on his shoulder.
"Just give her a couple of days. She went through a lot by herself she just needs time. Forcing her won't fix anything it might just make it worst. We'll keep an eye on her." I don't think Carlisle meant for me to hear what he said but being in a small room doesn't give you much privacy. Edward nodded his head reluctantly at his father. Carlisle left the room leaving me and Edward there by ourselves.
"Edward I'm sorry." I spoke quietly, I wasn't even sure he heard me until he looked up at me running his hands threw his hair
"It's not your fault Bella, I just wish you would hold him once you hold him everything else fades away. He has this way of capturing your attention and not letting it go." He walked over to me taking a seat on the bed so he was sitting facing me.
"I just can't Edward. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't forget the fear I felt yesterday when I was by myself or the pain I was in. Looking at both of you just brings those memories back." He went to touch my hand but I moved it away I wasn't ready to be comforted by him. He sighed, getting up and walking towards the door before he left he paused at the door.
"My dad said earlier that both you and Jackson can go home." My head shot up to him.
"Jackson?" I asked confused, Edward nodded his head.
"He needed a name and you wouldn't talk to me last night so I named him." With that Edward turned and left me in the room by myself. Edward had named our baby, I wasn't upset that he did I knew deep down that I couldn't name him. What shocked me was that Edward had named our baby the name that I liked the most from the list we made instead of his favourite.
I noticed a bag sitting in one of the chairs along the wall. Walking over to it I saw that it had cleaned clothes in it for me I quickly got dressed. I had just pulled my hair up in a messy bun so it was out of my face when my dad walked in.
"You ready to go Bells?" I nodded my head and followed my dad out of the room. I noticed that none of the other family was there besides Sue and Edward, I was grateful for that I don't think I could face them. I noticed that in Edward's hand was a baby seat which held our baby.
Edward didn't try and talk to me or even touch me as we walked to the car. When we got to the car Sue and my dad got into the front while Edward placed the baby seat in the frame. I got into the car sitting on one side of the baby seat. I didn't have a choice because it was placed in the centre. When Edward was happy that the seat was securely in place he got in the other side.
On the drive home I couldn't help but look at my son. He had Edward's bronze hair and when his eyes fluttered open for a minute I could see that they were chocolate brown just like my own before they closed again. He looked so tiny compared to the seat he was in. I lifted my hand to touch his little cheek, but I moved it away before I could, remembering everything that this little baby caused.
I mustn't have moved my hand away quick enough because Edward caught onto my movement.
"Bella you don't have to be afraid to touch him. Look he won't break." Edward ran a finger down our son's cheek just like I wanted to and the baby didn't even stir. I shook my head and moved closer to the door further away from my baby.
"His name's Jackson Whitlock Cullen. I gave him Whitlock after Jasper seen as he was there for you when I couldn't be." He put his hand over the car seat and grabbed my hand, he did it so fast I didn't have time to move away.
"And I gave him Jackson because I knew that was your favourite name on our list." I nodded my head completely agreeing with the name he gave our son.
"I like it, it's perfect for him." I said looking down at our son. Edward squeezed my hand so I would look back at him.
"Bella I understand you can't hold him right now, just know that if you need to talk that I'm here. I know I wasn't there when you needed me yesterday and I'm so sorry for that. If I could go back and be there I would." He kissed my hand before looking at our son. I looked out the window not exactly sure how I was feeling. I knew I loved my son but I couldn't put yesterday in the past where it belonged. I just needed time to get use to everything. I looked at my son vowing to myself that I would try and make myself better so I could be everything he needed me to be.