14.
We were sitting on the bed, silently watching each other, for a long time. Every once in a while, one of us would think of a question to ask the other.
"Why did you quit your job?"
His head dropped. "I didn't quit," he said quietly.
I knew what he was saying immediately, but I didn't respond for a few seconds. "That job meant the world to you, babe."
He nodded and looked up at me. "The boss couldn't have me around anymore, he thought I might jump out of the window and try to kill myself one day." I gasped, but he continued. "It wasn't good for the company to have a depressed man walking around."
"Where did you go?"
"For a long time, I lived off the money we'd saved together, and your parents helped me out a lot, but the house was becoming too much for me – too many memories everywhere I looked. So I rented it out, because I couldn't bear to actually loose it. I suppose some part of me was trying to tell you were somewhere, alive. I moved in with your folks for a while, though they asked me to stop drinking if I was going to do that. I couldn't…stop, Lisa. I hurt so much and the drinking made it go away. And waking up the next morning with a headache or having to vomit, it distracted me from the real pain of losing you."
My face was fixed into a pained expression, like I was crying without tears. My heart was breaking, and I began to ask myself how I had let this happen. I knew I couldn't have done much, but if I'd only tried. "Oh, I'm so sorry," I whispered with a crack in my voice.
He shook his head. "I'm just so happy that you're here now." He rubbed the skin between my thumb and index finger, and noticed that he realized the temperature difference between us for the first time. But he didn't say anything, just kept rubbing my hand. He noticed my rings for the first time and gently ran his finger over the face of the diamond in my engagement ring. "You still wear them," he said in amazement. And then he moved his face close to mine and kissed my lips tenderly. Then his hand was behind my head, pulling me to him, his lips molding around mine. I pushed against his chest, because I knew if I lost control, I would hurt him. I wanted kiss him back, to kiss him passionately, but I knew it was a risk I couldn't take. I pushed harder against his chest when he didn't let go. Finally he stopped, pain and confusion etched on his face. We sat silent for a moment, with me staring at the floor, hoping I hadn't hurt his feelings and wishing I could explain.
Then I looked back up at him and saw him watching me questioningly. He wanted to know my secret; I could see it plain as day. Oh John, if only you could understand. Once you find out my secret, you may never want to see me again. I pushed the pain the thought dredged up aside. Reaching out slowly, I tenderly placed my hand against his hot cheek. I saw him half-blink in shock and silently I sucked in my breath, holding it until I was sure he wasn't going to do anything. "I've missed you so much, John. I'm blessed to have been taken care of. The Cullens have made sure I was safe every minute of every day."
He watched me, a strange look crossing his face, something between anger and thankfulness. "Are they the reason you never came for me?" I noticed the slight edge in his voice and I heard someone moving behind the door, opening it quietly as if to come in, though they didn't. John didn't notice anything, of course. I had to calm him down.
I hesitated before answering, wanting to tell him the truth, but I knew how he would take it. "Not in the way you think. They saved my life, John, after the car crash."
I saw the slight softening in John's eyes, followed by the deepest sadness. "They didn't save our baby," he said in a broken whisper.
The news hit me with a brute force, though I'd assumed nothing less. Hadn't I believed for three years that my baby was dead? But still the admission coming from John took my breath away, left me paralyzed. I saw a tear slip down John's cheek, which I caught with my cold finger. Without thinking, I put the finger to my lips and tasted the salty liquid. John didn't seem to notice, staring at something not in this room. "Did you get to hold her, John?"
He looked at me slowly, as if just coming out of a trance. He nodded. "That doctor let me hold her. She was so beautiful, Lisa, our little baby girl."
I touched the necklace around my throat and showed him the locket and heart. "You named her Lily Anne," he said in a beautifully raw voice. I nodded. We sat silent for a while. Every now and then I caught a tear as it threatened to fall off the edge of his chin.
He still seemed tense, so I decided we needed to get out of the sadness we were sinking in to. I had to get him thinking about something else. "Would you like to meet them," I asked him softly.
He didn't respond, but I stood up and took his hand in mine, leading him out the door. Whoever had been outside the room was gone now. I led him down the hall, pointing out every room as we passed it. I pushed open the door to my room and let him step in. I was about to follow him when I noticed the curtains were wide open, the sun shining through with that brightness that comes just before the sunset. I realized in shock that it was almost nighttime, wondering where the time had gone. We'd spent almost a whole day on that bed.
I stopped in the doorway, where I knew I was safe, and watched him look over everything. "This is your room," he asked me. I nodded and watched him eye the couch skeptically. No bed. I wondered what he was thinking as he walked back towards me, eying me again. As we walked down the stairs, he kept a little farther back. He was going to see something soon that would make him run away forever, cursing the monster I'd become. I heard the light footsteps behind us and recognized that it was Edward from the way he was feeling.
Edward, he's getting scared.
We had reached the second floor now and I saw John eye the cross. But I didn't want to explain that yet, so I pulled him along to the next flight of stairs, where I knew everyone else was waiting. I peeked around the corner to check out their facial expressions and make sure there were no bad feelings anywhere. All was clear, because I saw no one, so I led him down the rest of the way. Where is everyone, I wondered.
Edward stepped out from behind me and shrugged only slightly, just enough for only me to see. Did he know, but didn't want to say anything? I didn't have time to ask him mentally or reach out and touch him to see what he was thinking. Edward was watching John.
"Hello," he said in a pleasant voice, seeming to hope it would put him at ease. "I'm Edward Cullen."
John was looking Edward up and down, probably trying to figure out what to think of him, of everything. "Nice to meet you." Then he fixed his eyes on Edward's face. "I heard you took good care of my wife." His voice was cold.
Edward nodded, smiling widely. "We've grown to love her. You've got an amazing woman."
John nodded stiffly, out of courtesy. I glanced at Edward. Is he going to completely loose it?
Edward waited until John was looking away from us, staring around the big living room, before placing a finger against my skin.
He's close, Lisa. You need to be careful.
I nodded.
Slowly, the other Cullens started appearing. First came Carlisle, whom John recognized.
"This is the doctor from the hospital?" he asked me quietly, not knowing everyone could hear him anyway.
"Yes, he's the one who saved my life." I squeezed John's hand, hoping to reassure him. He seemed to smile a little more warmly at Carlisle than he had at Edward, though Edward still had an anxious gleam to his eye. Esme was next. She made her introductions before she moved back upstairs with Carlisle at her heel. Bella joined Edward and introduced herself, also eyeing John carefully. Emmett and Rosalie were next, but quickly moved on, Emmett taking a seat on the couch to watch TV and Rose off to her room with a magazine. Alice finally came forward, smiling warmly and welcoming John to the house. "You're welcome to stay as long as you feel comfortable." I saw the look Edward threw her, but Alice shrugged it off with a look that insisted he trust her. He barely nodded in response. Was he scared to have John in the house with all of us? No, it wasn't that he was scared we'd hurt him; he was scared that John would go mental with all the differences.
Jasper was at Alice's side then, making a short introduction by simply stating his name. Alice took Bella's hand and pulled her to the back door, probably headed for Edward's cabin, and Jasper joined Emmett on the couch, though I saw he was watching us out of the corner of his eye, his body tense. John handled everything with courtesy, but I felt his body stiffen completely next to mine. Near the end, he barely mumbled out his replies, nodding his head curtly. I had to take him somewhere, and I had to think fast.
I took John by the elbow and led him outside. We walked for a long time, silent. Finally, I took a small dirt path, barely noticeable, which went on for about half a mile. I had searched for this place for hours after Bella had showed me her meadow. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go. We walked further into the woods and I was very careful to keep my pace matching his. He never said a word, his eyes fixed on the back of my head, burning holes into my skull, as I led him to the little clearing I had found. It wasn't anything like the meadow, but instead, just a small break in the trees. The ground was knobby with roots, giving us many places to sit. In the day, the sun shone through the trees in shafts of lights, and the trees gave the air and green tint. There were patches of green grass and even a few flowers and mushroom patches. It was beautiful in the daytime, and hopefully it looked nice in the darkness too. Luckily, I had grabbed a lantern that had been standing by the door and now I placed it in the middle of the little opening once we reached it. The small light illuminated the space well. Still, we didn't speak. I leaned against a tree, trying nervously to look less vampirish and more human. "Do you like it," I finally asked him. But he said nothing, just sat on a gnarly root staring into the darkness beyond. Was this it, the final breaking point, where he would tell me he couldn't be with me anymore, that he didn't love me. I hoped he would get it over with if that was what he was thinking. But he looked at me solemnly, no apparent emotion showing on his face.
"What do you want me to do with this, Lisa?"
"I want you to stay with me, to trust me that you're better off not knowing everything, and to just love me like before."
He shook his head as if trying to shake away my absurd demands. But then he stopped and looked around him.
"This place is beautiful, Lisa," he whispered to me. Then he looked at me. "The Cullens seem like great people, but there's something about them, a vibe I get, that is telling me to run, to get as far away from here as possible."
And maybe I should tell him to do exactly that. What was I hoping for? Could any good possibly come from this? But I wanted to badly to have John stay with me, that I held back on telling him to run, follow his instincts. I was a completely selfish person.
He was still talking. "The way you all look and move and sound. And that smell that I can't quite pin down." He sniffed his clothing. "It's in the house, it's everywhere."
"If you're scared of us, then why are you still here?" I asked it carefully, slowly, hoping he wouldn't realize what a grave mistake he was making by staying here.
"Of us," he whispered back unbelievingly, but quickly dropped it. "I'm here because you're here, and because I love you. I know what it feels like to be without you and I don't want to go back to that. Right now, I'm willing to try anything just as long as I can be with you."
"So you'll stay," I asked, my heart filling with joy.
"Yes, because obviously I can't convince you to come with me."
I fell into his arms, crying out joyfully. "Thank you, thank you so much," I whispered over and over again. "This means the world to me!"
And he held on to me as if for dear life, as he rocked me back and forth in his arms. And I finally felt whole, like I was home again.