15.

That night, John slept in my room, where the bed had been moved. I lay beside him, pretending to be asleep, but instead I was waiting for him to fall asleep so I could talk to Alice. John hadn't left my side the whole night, so now seemed like the only chance to talk to her privately. He had responded when someone had talked to him, but he seemed reserved in his answers, and never started a conversation with anyone but me himself. Was there any way that he would just let go and learn to live with the differences? Somewhere in my heart, I felt sure John would always be this way with the Cullens, never even trying to become friends. I had no idea what to do to make him see that the Cullens weren't going to hurt him, that they were really a lot like humans. Maybe Alice would give me some answers.

I slipped out from under the covers silently when I heard his breathing grow slower, being careful not to shake the bed.

I walked to Alice's room and was lucky to find Alice alone. I knocked on the door and slipped in. "Can I talk to you?"

Alice nodded, smiling up at me. "Yeah, what's going on?"

I shrugged, taking a seat next to her on the floor. She had been sketching, and I picked up her sketchpad, flipping through it with her permission. "You're amazing, Alice!"

She shrugged. "I guess, but thanks."

I put the sketchpad back on the floor and looked up at her, skipping the small talk. "Alice, I need you to promise to tell me something."

She closed her eyes and chuckled. "It defeats the purpose of doing that when I already know what the question is."

"True," I replied slowly, not giving in to the feeling of defeat. "But please tell me honestly, what did you see in your vision at the hotel room?"

"Lisa, please, I think it's best if you didn't know," she replied, but I shook my head.

"I know it has something to do with John and I, and I want to know. Does something bad happen?"

Alice took my hand in hers, rubbing my palm softly. "Lisa, sometimes we have to make choices in our life to protect others."

"Alice, you're not protecting me if I'm not able to look out for the danger."

"I wasn't talking about me, Lisa, I was talking about you." She stopped to see if I understood, which I didn't, so she continued. "One day, you're going to have to make a tough decision." She didn't say anything else until she spoke up softly, "What are you going to do with John? Are you going to keep yourself a secret to him forever? Let him live in confusion around people who don't age, while he becomes slowly older and weaker? Lisa, you have to think of these things!" Her voice was stern but not rebuking. I loved Alice, but I didn't like that she was pulling me through all my thoughts from earlier that I had been trying to forget. "You can't just do nothing now, Lisa. You have to make a choice."

"You're saying I should tell him?"

Alice rubbed my arm. "I don't know, Lisa, but one day you'll have to tell him something. You can't keep him safe forever," she added in a barely audible voice.

"I'm just so scared to have him leave me now that he's here, back with me."

"But is he really with you? Think of it, Lisa, you're nearly scared to death of touching him, let alone kissing him or…" and I knew what she was going to say. I remembered what Edward had told me in the woods that first day, about Bella wanting things he couldn't give her for fear of hurting her. And wasn't that why I was scared to get close to John? Alice was right, of course, but I just didn't want to tell him. I knew I would have to, though, and maybe soon.

"Maybe I should just write him a letter explaining it all," I said, trying to be funny, but Alice didn't laugh. "I just don't know how to do it, Alice," I said meekly.

"Maybe you should let him see the obvious differences, feel your skin and hear your silent heart. Maybe you should take him outside one day and show him how you shine in the sun." Alice looked at me, compassion filling her eyes. "You need to know where he stands before you have to make the fatal decision yourself." I sensed her hinting at something, but my mind was rejecting it. Would John be in an accident of some sort, where I would have to choose between letting him die because he didn't want any part of who I am or giving him the life I had because I am selfish. I shoved the thoughts out of my mind, rebuking the very idea of it.

The battle inside my mind lasted only a few seconds. "So you think I should just tell him, then?" I asked quietly.

Alice simply nodded.

Could I really be so selfish to do anything to not have a broken heart by keeping my one true love from the absolute truth of who I was? So I had to believe, to prove to myself, that I wasn't selfish, because that was a terrible crime, which might end in a terrible crime. I stood up without another word and left the room, heading for the outdoors. I needed to walk, to think, to be able to breath clean air, which might provide me with clear thoughts.

It didn't really help any of my thoughts become more organized, though I did feel more refreshed, almost ready for anything. Almost.

I slipped back into my room as the sun was coming up. I pulled the curtains closed over the two walls of glass, hoping John wouldn't feel the need to open them anytime soon.

A few hours later, John woke up and saw me standing in the corner of the room, watching him. He didn't say anything about it, just patted the bed as he sat up. I came to sit beside him. He asked me what was for breakfast. For a moment I panicked, until I heard Esme approaching my room. I could have smelled the food from a mile away, though it was a lot closer, making me want to gag. But I simply held my breath. There was a soft knock on the door, for John's sake, and I told Esme to enter. She carried a tray filled with a plate of scrambled eggs, sausage, and a pancake, a mug of hot, steaming coffee, and an apple. She set the tray on the edge of the bed, smiling fully at John. "Good morning," she asked sweetly. "Did you two sleep well?" She winked at me, though it wasn't meant in the way John perceived it.

"Yes, we both slept great, thank you," John replied, blushing slightly because a woman he had just met last night was asking him about his sex life. But Esme laughed softly, making him relax, and told him she hoped he enjoyed the breakfast, which had been prepared by Edward. Despite the fact that no one ate real food in this house, Edward was an excellent chef, always learning from books and shows. It was like the cross hanging in the hallway: a simple irony.

When Esme was gone, John asked me if I wanted to eat. I shook my head, trying to hold back the laugh that was bubbling inside me. "I already ate," I lied, though I suppose it was true in some way. I had gone hunting last night while I was out trying to clear my head. The air had helped me a little, but had mostly helped me to push all the issues that needed to be dealt with to the back of my mind.

I watched John eat, being careful not to breathe too deeply. I was sure the food was delicious to him, but it made me want to hurl. I thanked Edward mentally for saving me with the breakfast. I hadn't really thought out everything, especially not considering that a human ate food, which we didn't have in the house.

When he was finished, he asked me if he could take a shower. "I think I might want to get some new clothes, too," he added as he looked down at the sweater and sweatpants Carlisle had offered him. He wrinkled his nose as he caught a whiff of the scent that came along with every vampire.

I nodded. "I'll take you shopping soon in Port Angeles," I promised, praying that it would be overcast and rainy one day soon.

John seemed to be reflecting. "Port Angeles," he muttered. "That was where we were going to meet."

I nodded. "I had been looking forward to that," I said in small voice.

Then John looked down at his hands, anger filling his face. "It was my fault, wasn't it? The accident? I just had to go to that meeting, caring more about my career than the safety of my wife and child." He was off the bed, moving towards the wall. "If I hadn't gone, you would have never had to drive in the rain while nine months pregnant, never gotten in the accident…" He trailed off, at which point he punched the wall in front of him in his anger.

"John!" I gasped. I was beside him a flash, realizing my mistake too late, but he didn't seem to notice my rapid pace. "You did what you though was best. You couldn't have known what was going to happen! And I know you care about me and cared about the baby, don't you ever dare to question yourself about that!"

He turned to me, rubbing his aching knuckles. "I know," he sighed. "I do love you."

He leaned forward carefully and placed his warm, soft lips against mine. I let him kiss me slowly before taking a step back, when I felt it was too much. "I love you, too," I whispered, hoping to not offend him by backing away.

He didn't seem to notice, or if he did, was trying to ignore it. "But you're so different, Lisa. I feel like you're a whole new person."

I bit my lip and replied softly, "Maybe I am."

He watched my face, putting his hand against my cold face. He rubbed my cheek with his thumb. "I feel like I have to learn how to love you all over again, in a completely new way. I feel like I did the first day I met you."

I smiled shyly. "But we already know we love each other, so it isn't exactly the same like the first time."

He didn't say anything. Slowly, his hands slipped away from my face and fell to his side limply. Then he mumbled, "Now, about that shower?"

I nodded, glad the subject was changed. I didn't know why it felt so awkward to talk like this with my husband, but nothing was the same now, so how could I have expected that our conversations would hold the same depth they had before. I held my arm out towards the door. When I walked into the bathroom, I was thankful to see a set of man's shampoo and conditioner waiting on the edge of the tub, plus a new bar of soap and a washcloth. I pulled open the little cabinet door next to the sink and pulled out a towel. There was a can of shaving cream and a brand new razor laying on top of the sink. The Cullens had thought of everything, picking up where I had left off.

John pulled the sweater off and turned the water on, steam rising above the top of the shower curtain. I realized sadly how cold he must be, and that I could do nothing about it. Then he turned to me, his bare chest as perfect as I remembered it. I couldn't help staring, not quite hearing his question.

"What," I asked when I finally managed to pull my eyes from his chest.

"Want to get in with me," he asked softly.

"A shower?" I was shocked for a second. Then I became embarrassed, seeing that he had meant it.

"No, maybe later," I replied slowly.

He just nodded, turning back towards the tub. My heart began to ache for this man in front of me, but I wouldn't break down in front of him. I walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind me quietly.

I went back into our room and fell down on the bed, letting the soft downy cover swallow me. I closed my eyes and felt the burning of unshed tears behind my lids. A small sob escaped from my opened lips, so I pushed them together tightly. I told myself that I would do whatever it took to keep my calm around everyone else, but especially John.

I pushed myself off of the bed when I heard the water shut off in the little bathroom. I wrapped my arms around myself and forced myself to push aside all the sadness I felt and brave a happy face. I was composed by the time John reappeared in the room, his hair wet and his face cleanly shaven. He was wearing the clothes that Alice and I had found inside the duffel bag from three years ago, which Esme had washed and placed in the bathroom last night. I smiled up at him and saw the glimmer in his eyes as he looked down at me.

Standing up and walking over to him, I inhaled his freshly clean scent. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. "I've missed you," he murmured into my hair. And I knew he wasn't just talking about the past three years. He still missed me, because I wasn't the same. A part of me was gone, that human part that had loved him recklessly. My heart ached to love him like I wanted to, but it was simply something I couldn't give in to, because the danger of hurting him was too great. And maybe a tiny part of me was scared to love him again because that meant it would hurt all the more when he rejected me.

The week passed uneventfully as I waited for rain to come. The sun shone unrelentingly, keeping me locked inside with John. I could tell he was running out of things to do, too scared to talk to anyone but me, and growing agitated and antsy. He had read nearly every book I recommended to him and watched every show that interested him. I could tell his patience was wearing thin. And then, on the sixth day, as I looked out the window while John slept peacefully on the bed behind me, I was extremely happy when I saw the rain that was pouring down in sheets. I prayed it would stay overcast the whole day.

The sun didn't appear once through the dark rain clouds brooding overhead the whole day, which I was extremely thankful for. It might be hard to explain to John my sparkling skin, plus all the others who might happen to see, and it would be hard to explain why I suddenly felt the need to stay indoors.

The air was chilly, even against my skin, as we walked around the little city. There wasn't really anyone in the stores, most people choosing the movies over shopping. I went with him through every store that held men's clothing, as he picked out clothes I helped him pick out.

The day dragged by slowly. We laughed with each other a lot; it was amazing how much more at ease he was away from everyone else, and it made me sad to realize how much the Cullens scared him. They were like my family now, and I wanted him to become friends with them, grow to love them like I had. But there seemed little chance of that happening, though I still kept my hopes up.

For lunch, we went to a little café, where John hungrily scarfed down a sandwich while I picked at my salad, of course not eating a bite. John either didn't notice or decided to ignore my lack of appetite. The whole time I watched him eat, my mind kept going over what Alice had said to me last night. How was I going to tell him? I was at a loss to any ideas what so ever, because I saw all of them failing miserably in my head.

But luckily, we quickly moved on and John suggested we see a movie. I hoped it would distract me enough so that I wouldn't have to dwell on what might happen.

We spent the whole day in the city, going to little antique shops and jewelry stores. John insisted I buy myself something, seeming to sense the dark mood hanging over me like the storm clouds in the sky. I found a set of beautiful pearl earrings that I loved, along with a matching bracelet, and purchased them, mostly to appease him. John never asked me anything about where the money was coming from to buy everything; we had spent more than five hundred dollars. Alice had insisted I buy him good brands before we'd left, begging me to not torture her with having to watch my husband walk around in knock-off or less-than-top-of-the-line brands. She'd handed me her credit card, telling me there was no limit. I had become well accustomed to the fact that the Cullens spared no expense. They had collected a lot of money over the years, and didn't have much to spend it on, since there was no need for food or things like shampoo. Their wealth shone through in the furniture and decorations around the house, their clothing style, and of course, their cars.

In fact, John didn't ask me much of anything. We talked more about his life after the accident, as if the conversation of what I had done in the past three years was poison. But I let it go, feeling a little bit relieved that he didn't dare to walk on unknown waters.

Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. At first I rejected it, but then I began to wonder if it might help. "John," I asked slowly.

He looked over at me. "Mmmhmm?"

"How about we spend the night in town, at a hotel?"

He smiled slightly, maybe unsure of what I wanted to get from this. Finally he shrugged. "Sure, sounds fun."

It hurt my heart that he didn't trust me fully, that he was scared to be open with me, but I pushed it aside. Maybe tonight I would work up the courage to tell him everything.