The Tale of Two Douche Bags: My Little Bastard
Hey it's skpfan here coauthor of this story. You may be wondering why sillygooseproductions is not here. Well he's currently writing his other story, so I've decided to write this chapter instead. And for anyone coming from my account, don't worry the next chapter of switch and kirby's random adventures should be uploaded by the end of the month. I'm just glad I sent that goose to the Bahamas or was it Barbados? Oh well. Anyway neither me or sillygooseproductions own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the Hasbro empire does. Enjoy the chapter.
The two friends looked at the pony wondering what to say, neither of them really wanting to speak.
Lax sighed and whispered to his friend, "Your turn."
"Fine," Etc whispered back in annoyance. Applejack stood there glaring at them both getting angrier by the second.
"Well, uh," Etc began, "We're, uh- we're not from this place and are kind of lost and, uh-" stuttered Etc whose brain was hurting trying to converse with the pony.
Lax stepped into the one-sided conversation, "What my friend here was trying to say before he started stuttering is that we're lost. We come from a far away place, and we were trying to get some help."
"Huh," Applejack's glare weakened in power until it became a suspicious stare, "okay..."
Lax went on, "We were also hoping that we could talk to your friend Twilight Sparkle." His friend's face widened with shock. Not wanting to meet anymore ponies, Etc gave Lax a look of questioning panic. Lax, however, ignored him.
"Twilight? How do you two know Twilight?" Applejack asked.
"Well, it's a bit of a long story." Lax nervously combed back his hair.
Applejack looked at the two suspicious strangers for a moment, trying to decide whether they were harmless friends or not. "Well, I guess you two must be alright if y'all know Twilight. I'll go get her, but I'll leave my brother McIntosh to watch over you two."
After calling her brother over, Applejack left to Ponyville. Lax and Etc slowly drifted off to the barn wall and sat against it. Granny Smith had drifted back to sleep, leaving McIntosh alone with the two. A few moments of awkward silence hung in the air around the three of them
"Hey, uh, Big McIntosh, can you bring a stool for me?" asked Lax.
"Eeyup," replied McIntosh as he walked off to find one.
"So, My Little Pony…." Etc sighed in disbelief after McIntosh was out of earshot.
Lax groaned, feeling mentally defeated, "Ah shit…"
"Well it could be worse."
"How is that?"
"We could be in Cupcakes."
"Ugh," Lax shivered as he remembered that sadistic fanfic, "I don't think you should even mention that." McIntosh finally came back with the stool. Lax thanked him and sat on it, resting his head in his hands. As minutes passed while Etc leaned against the wall, he had thought of something, "Dude do you remember how in the world we got here?"
"I still don't remember anything."
"Hmmm," Etc stressed his mind, trying to squeeze out any sort of helpful information, "Well, I remember tripping over something, then all of a sudden, there was some kind of bright flash." Etc tried harder to remember but still failed. "Well, whatever it is , it's no good."
"No, really?" Before Etc could answer back, the two of them starting hearing frighteningly familiar voices.
"I thought she was only going to get Twilight!"
"I guess she wanted her friends to come with her as well."
Etc noticed the group of ponies that were walking towards them. His brain almost imploded, "You've got to be kidding me."
"Oh, great. That's just amazing." Lax said sarcastically. The Mane six stopped far enough from Etc and Lax that they wouldn't be heard by them. They all looked with curiosity at the two.
"Well Twilight, these are the two I was talking about," Applejack pointed at the two.
"No, I've never seen them before. In fact, I don't think I've actually seen their species before aside from reading about them."
"Is that so?!"Applejack's eyes glared at the two with more fury than before. "So, they were lyin'!"
"Applejack, please calm down," Twilight held Applejack back as she tried pushing towards Lax and Etc, "I'm sure they don't mean any harm."
"Maybe they're spies from the Everfree Forest!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she flew in the air.
"Rainbow Dash! Why would the Everfree Forest even have spies?"
"I don't know, because it's evil."
"Maybe they're aliens from another planet who want to eat our brains for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!" Pinkie suddenly shouted out.
Twilight shook her head slightly in disbelief, "Maybe we should let them explain themselves before we jump to conclusions. Remember what happened with Zecora?" She looked at everyone as she talked then finally turned to Etx and Lax, "Let me go try to talk to them. Okay?" Before anyone could protest, Twilight walked over to Etc and Lax who were both standing up."So," she finally said after getting close enough to speak with them, "who exactly are you two, and why do you know me?"
The two friends looked at each other trying to see who would try to explain things. "We're from another universe," Lax began explaining, "from a planet called Earth."
"We have no idea how we got here, or why we're here in the first place."
"We don't want to cause any harm or trouble here, and would really like to leave as soon as possible. We both know you since…. Well, I think that should wait for a better time."
The ponies, having snuck behind Twilight to overhear the conversation, stayed silent for a few moments with their jaws wide open. "SEE! I TOLD YOU THEY WERE ALIENS!" Pinkie finally cried out.
"Oh my goodness, I can't believe this!" Rarity tried to regain her composure but remained visually distressed.
Rainbow Dash hovered lower to the ground, "Wow, this is way worse than spies."
Fluttershy just remained silent.
Twilight managed to quiet the other girls before speaking, "Another universe? Another planet? What do you mean?"
"We mean exactly that. We aren't even supposed to be these," Lax held up his fur-covered arms, "weird, short anthropomorphic things. We're supposed to be humans."
"Humans? Where have I heard of that?" Twilight began thinking of a book she read that described several prophecies and past events that took place in Equestria, "Another… World… SPIKE!" She abruptly turned to her assistant that remained silent the entire time, "Spike go get every book we have that talk about prophecies and the history of Equestria!" Twilight Sparkle grabbed Spike by his shoulders as a nervous feeling crept over her.
"Uh, Twilight, that's a whole lot of books-"
"Just get them! It's important!"
"Alright, jeez! I'm going!" As Spike ran off, Twilight saw the other ponies looking at the two with worried expressions.
"Twilight, dear," Rarity spoke up, a touch of panic was at the back of her words, "What exactly do you know about them?"
Twilight's eyebrows furrowed as she thought hard, "I'm not completely sure, but I think I have a feeling that I've heard something about beings from another dimension of some sort."
Etc and Lax stared at the Mane Six the whole time as they began drifting back out of earshot, all freaking out in their own strange way: Pinkie couldn't stop jumping around, her eyes constantly darting left and right as if she was worried something was going to jump out at her. Rainbow's wings just sort of twitched as she paced around on the ground. Rarity was probably the funniest to look at since she kept trying to fix her hair when she was actually making it worse. Fluttershy remained quiet the whole time, occasionally glancing towards Lax and Etc but always looking away when they noticed her. Applejack, however, never took her eyes of Lax. She was like an eagle catching sight of a mouse, burning holes through his body with her glare.
"Dude, why does Applejack keep staring at me?" Lax finally asked his friend.
Etc looked at her, who was still staring at Lax, "I don't know, maybe she must remember you from your fanfi-"
"Alright, dude, don't make this any worse by reminding me about that. Okay?"
"I'm just saying. You and her really…. Connected, if you know what I mean."
"We didn't even kiss! Besides, why would she know any of that? It was just a story!"
Applejack looked down to the ground and shook her head. After a little while, she began walking towards Lax and Etc, "Dude, she's coming over here."
"Oh shit, what's she going to do now?" Applejack stopped right in front of where Lax and Etc stood leaning against the barn wall. The rest of her friends also noticed this and began watching her.
Instead of kicking them or bashing in their skulls, she raised her hoove and extended it towards Lax, "My name's Applejack, nice to meet ya."
Lax stared at her for a second, wondering what was going through her mind. Finally, however, he took her hoove and shook it. "Hi, I'm Lax. Nice to meet you too."
Applejack, still shaking his hand, she smiled, "Excuse me and the girls for acting a bit frantic. We're just not used to strangers 'round these parts."
"Huh, well, it's fine. You all seem like nice peop- er, ponies… I guess."
Applejack stopped shaking his hand and moved on to Etc. "Nice to meet you too."
"Uh me too ,My name's Etc." Etc said while he tried to put on his best smile .Applejack stopped shaking his hand, tipped her hat, and then walked away. The rest of her friends seemed rather surprised at her friendliness to the two strangers. No one else went up, creating a rather uncomfortable silence between everyone. Finally, Twilight sighed, "Well, I guess I should go introduce myself as well," she said as she cleared her throat and started towards Etc and Lax.
"Twilight!" Spike's voice stopped her in her tracks. Turning around, she saw him running along with a wheelbarrow carrying a ton of books inside it, "I got the books that you asked for! I had to carry them in this wheelbarrow since there was so many."
Twilight glanced at the two friends leaning against the barn wall, sighed, and walked over to Spike, "Well, girls, this may take a while. I've got a lot of books to sort through, so make yourselves comfortable.
Everyone just stood near Twilight, either kicking the dirt or just humming a tune to pass the time faster. Suddenly, Pinkie's gaze shot up to Etc and Lax as she gasped loudly. She bounced up to the two friends and started shaking both of their hands at the same time. With superhuman strength out of nowhere, Pinkie lifted them both off the ground as she shook their hands with almost impossible speeds, "HI! The name's Pinkie Pie! Nice to meet you! And you!" She looked at both of them and stopped shaking their hands.
Etc and Lax, both confused and dizzy after being shaken like a salt shaker, tried their best to say hello back, "Hi, nIcE tO mEeT yoU PinkIE."
Pinkie began laughing, "You two are silly!" and bounced back to her friends, smiling gleefully the whole time. Once they managed to get the stars out of their vision, Etc and Lax stared at each other to ask themselves what just happened to them. They turned to Pinkie afterwards and saw her jumping around .
"Huh," they both finally said to one another after remembering that Pinkie was crazy.
Besides Twilight and Applejack, Pinkie's friends all looked amongst each to see who wanted to say hello next. Eventually, Rarity cleared her throat and gracefully walked towards Etc and Lax.
Stopping in front of Lax, she cleared her throat again and curtseyed slightly, "Hello, my name is Rarity."
"Nice to meet you," Lax slightly bowed his head, "In case you didn't hear, I'm Lax. My friend here is Etc."
"Yeah, hi."
"He doesn't look very happy, but he's glad to have met you as well."
Rarity glanced at Etc, seeing his "happy" face, but returned her gaze to Lax, "Well, it's a pleasure meeting you both. As Applejack said, I'm dearly sorry that my friends and I have been acting rather…. Unlady like."
"Well unfortunately, I'm sort of used to that reaction by now. But thanks for apologizing anyways." Lax grinned slightly.
Rarity returned a smile and walked back to her friends. "Well," she said, "they seem to be well mannered at least."
"Huh, well, I still don't trust them." Rainbow Dash crossed her arms.
Applejack shouted to her, "Rainbow Dash, go over and greet our guests!"
"What?! Why?"
"Because it's just common courtesy!"
"No way! Look how weird they are! Once has this black bush of hair on his head and the other just has a bunch of spikes going down the middle his head! Plus, not even Twilight has seen their kind before!"
"They're just different, like Zecora was!" Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared at each other, "They're nice people, now go!"
"Alright! Fine! I'll go!" Rainbow Dash finally snapped as she slowly flew towards Etc and Lax.
They both noticed her, but Etc was anything but ecstatic to see her, "Oh no, not her. Please, not her."
"What, not happy to see Rainbow Dash, Etc? I thought you liked Sonic Rip-off."
"Egh," Etc said in disgust. Rainbow Dash finally stopped flying and landed in front of them.
"So, my friends all say that you two are alright." The three of them all looked at each other, "I guess I should introduce myself; I'm Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in all of Equestria!" She posed as if she was taking a picture, both hands on her hips and her gaze looking up.
"Huh, more like worst character ever," Etc muttered.
"What did you say?!" Rainbow Dash flipped her wings straight out and practically shoved her face against Etc's.
"I said that you're the worst character!"
"Say it again!" Rainbow started flying off the ground, "I dare you!"
"Alright, I guess you're deaf! I said that you're-"
"ANYWAYS, YOU TWO, hi I'm Lax! He's Etc. It's nice to meet you!" He tried smiling at her, but her gaze was fixed on Etc.
"Yeah," she finally said after glaring at Etc for a few moments, "whatever." After scoffing and flapping dust in their direction, Rainbow Dash flew back to her friends. They all stared at her with expressions of dismay. "What? I thought I was pretty cool with them." She said as she crossed her arms and looked the other way. "Well what about you Egghead? Aren't you going to say hi as well?"
"Yes, I would, but I'm close to finding the event and prophecy that I was talking about earlier. Someone else should go in the mean time."
Everyone turned to Fluttershy who was hiding behind her pink hair.
"Well, come on sugarcube, why don't you go say hello?"
"Oh, well, I don't really think I should."
"Well why not?"
She glanced over towards Etc and Lax, "They seem a bit scary."
Applejack put a reassuring hoove on her friend's shoulder, "Don't worry Fluttershy, they treated us just fine and they'll treat you the same way." She said, giving Fluttershy a pat on the shoulder and a slight push towards Etc and Lax.
At first, Fluttershy remained completely still as a statue. After looking back at her friends, however, she managed to take a baby step forwards. Then another baby step, then another, and then another.
After a few days or so, Fluttershy managed to reach Etc and Lax.
"Hi," Lax said after some silence, "I'm Lax, in case you didn't hear earlier." Lax raised a hand and slightly waved, smiling. He looked at Etc after, giving him a look that said, "Say hello."
Etc sighed with annoyance, turned to Fluttershy, and sighed again. "Hey, my name's Etc. It's very nice to meet you," he said as sarcastically as possible.
Fluttershy remained silent, however, and just stood glancing at Lax but then quickly looking away, instead looking at the ground. Several moments went by as she did this, no one caring to talk. Suddenly, almost scaring Lax to death, she stepped forward, brushed his hair with her hand for a split second, and speed-walked back to her friends.
Etc turned to Lax and opened his mouth, "Don't you dare say anything, Etc." Closing his mouth, Etc just snickered. Then, he started to laugh. "Okay, dude, it wasn't even that big of a deal!"
"She just fucking petted you! Not me, but you! Hahaha!"
Lax slapped his forehead with his hand and sighed. Etc was about to make fun of Lax more when Twilight suddenly walked up to them. Her expression made them guess that she had found what she was looking for but that it wasn't good.
"Okay, so, you two don't seem very threatening, but apparently, you two are going to bring the destruction of Equestria and everypony in it."
And here comes the plot twists: will Lax and Etc get back home? Will the ponies trust them now? And will I stop asking questions? Find out these questions and more somewhere in this story. Goodnight everybody.
From skpfan