Let's get this trainwreck moving.
Winter break, the end of the school year, is approaching. I've enjoyed my time since my first date with Miki immensely; I feel like an entirely different person from who I was before, and it's a great feeling.
Well, almost entirely. I wouldn't be "me" without more than my fair share of anger and violence.
"So what do you want to do?" Miki asks me; at the moment, we're sitting up on the roof with Rin. It's not like we ever invited her to join us, but there's not really a need for her to be gone...and besides, she's a friend of mine. What kind of person would I be if I pushed a friend away?
"I don't know. What do you want to do, Rin?"
"Find out why I've never seen you smile."
Well, that was said with all the delicacy of a rhino. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever really smiled for anyone except Miki...and even then, those have been few and far between.
"I'm, uh, not a very smile-oriented person."
"Yes, but why?"
"Lot of anger. Lot of violence. Metal bones." I try to convey through my tone that I don't really want to deal with this conversation, but Rin is (of course) oblivious to things like that...and I won't be like all the other people who've rejected her, who make her feel small and bad and hurt. I may not be the best person, but I'm her friend, so I'll suffer through this.
"Interesting. I was just...curious. That's all. Please don't be mad." Maybe she did notice the edge in my voice. Suddenly, I feel bad. Were it not for the fact that I can hide my emotions so easily,
"I'm not." It's the honest truth.
"Okay."
"I...I've never smiled much. Even as a kid. I was always fighting, always training, always getting stronger. The only reason I existed was to beat other people into the ground, to make them feel pain and suffering. That's what I thought made people strong: their ability to stand pain. I put aside all of my emotions except for anger and hate, because I couldn't get rid of them. The only times I smiled, I was fighting, and that smile meant you were going to come very close to death in the immediate future. I'm pretty sure I killed at least one of those people, to be honest. That kind of thing happens. Basically, I don't smile because my smile means someone's going to get hurt very, very soon."
Rin looks taken aback, not expecting such a serious answer to her question, and Miki...there it is again, that flash of fear that pops up every so often when I talk about my past. Even though it makes me sad, I know it's justified; who wouldn't be afraid, knowing that the person they're dating is probably a killer with so much anger inside of them that it's amazing they don't snap at everything?
The look in Miki's eyes...that's the reason I've wanted to change so much. Before, that look would have been taken as the realization that I was in the right, that I was good at doing what I did, that I should continue down my path of bloodshed. In the days before I came to Yamaku, her fear would have been seen as weakness before I picked her up and crushed her with my power. Now, it makes me sick to my stomach to admit what I would have once done. I'm not certain I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her yet, but at the very least she has become a dear friend and a much-needed balance from the destruction in my life.
The rest of the day passes uneventfully, and I ignore all other activities in order to meditate in my room.
Born in a time of darkness and evil, under the sign no god. Glory's my mother, fire's my brother, sword my only love. Into the land of chaos and hate, that is the place for me...and for the conquest, for bloodshed and honor, I will use my steel! Raging flame, burn again, for eternity! Burn my heart to win! Eternal war is awaiting another fiery king! Rage in my heart, crossing the forest, riding my black horse; across the valley, along the river, where the hot blood flows. Over the lakes, and over the hills, I follow the call of the wind. I am legend, and for my princess I will fight and win! Void of flame, burn again, for eternity! Burn my heart to win! Unending war is awaiting another fiery king! Lord of the Thunder, please be my guide, before and after my last ride...I am a soldier in my own right, fighting forever, alive and proud.
The words are changed in my mind...some of them, anyway, to make it less about some sort of religion and more about the power that a person needs to be victorious in the world we live in. It's an old habit of mine, actually, but that's what I get for not trying to change everything about myself. Some part of me, on some deep-seated level, really does seem to think that I'll eventually be able to go back to doing what I did before.
I finish one set of movements and continue on to the next.
Far, far beyond the island, we dwelled in shades of twilight...through dread and weary days, through grief and endless pain! It lies unknown, this land of mine: a hidden gate to save us from the shadow fall. Lord of Water spoke, in the silence, word of wisdom. I've seen the end of all! Be aware, the storm gets closer! Mirror, mirror, on the wall, true hope lies beyond the coast; you're a damned kind, can't you see that the winds will change? Mirror, mirror, on the wall, true hope lies beyond the coast...you're a damned kind, can't you see that tomorrow bears insanity?
I'm speeding up again, like I did that night in the field, but this time my body isn't protesting. It's welcoming the new challenge, allowing my full strength to fill it entirely, and only then do I start to feel the ache of tiredness. Soon, I'm a near-stationary blur of movement; my muscles are starting to strain, my mind is draining from the weariness caused by the movements, and my eyes are lighting up like fireworks on a festival night. I realize I'm laughing, but it's not the booming sort of laugh, the good kind, that I've become used to in the months since I first arrived here.
No, this is a bad laugh. A cruel laugh. This is a laugh that I didn't want to hear again, whether from myself or anyone else; the sound promises pain, a broken body and a broken mind.
I stop myself, ramming my head into the corner of my desk; that's all I have the consciousness for.
"Shit, my head." One hand pushes me up from the floor as the other one clutches the side of my head.
"I'll say."
There Miki is, sitting on my bed, one eyebrow raised. What is it with that girl and finding me unconscious?
"Why are you in my room?"
"Door was unlocked, so I let myself in." My door is always unlocked. I don't expect other people to come, so there's no real need to lock it.
Come to think of it, I'm not even sure my door has a lock.
"Yes, but why?"
"I felt like it?"
My flat, disbelieving stare is enough to convince her that she needs to give up the act. "Why." It's less of a question, now, and more of a demand.
"...do you have any plans for winter break?"
"No."
"Okay. See, I was talking with my mom, and if you want to stay with us..." It's not like her, this shyness.
"Yeah, sure. Not much else to do, other than stay here."
"No family to go back to?"
I've never told her about my family? I find that hard to believe, but...I must not have. We haven't really done much in the way of actual romance, it's really just been friendship with kissing and hand-holding and a date every so often. I don't know a whole lot about her personal life, and she only knows the vaguest sort of explanations about my past.
"I hate my family. There's only one of them that I felt even a little bad about leaving behind." That's a little harsher than I intended, but it's true nonetheless.
"Why?"
"I just...do. It's not like anything could be done about it, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I'm not planning on seeing them ever again." It's one of the few points I've been adamant about, to myself, but at the same time...part of me, most of me, wants to go back one final time. I may not care about my parents or my sister, but neither of my brothers deserves the kind of a goodbye they got from me to be their final time ever seeing me.
It's a moot point, though. I'd only take the opportunity if it presented itself, I wouldn't make it happen sheerly so that it could happen.
"Going back to your question, though, I'd be fine with it."
"Okay!" I can tell, somehow, that we're not done with this topic...but it's gone for now, though, so I'm fine now.
"Hey, do you want to go to town?"
"Why?"
"No real reason. We haven't had a date in a while, and I don't have anything to do today since it's a Sunday."
"I'd enjoy it."
Half an hour later, we're running around a park. There's no real point, it's just something to do together that can pass the time. Miki's faster than me, by virtue of the metal under my skin, but I'm the better endurance runner for that same reason.
"So...you mentioned your mom, but not your dad, earlier."
"Divorce. Pretty ugly one, too, in all honesty."
Well, that explains it pretty easily. "Sorry if you didn't want to talk about it."
No, it's all good. I've never really liked my dad, he's a bit too...strict."
"Didn't like the attitude?"
She smirks. "Not one bit. I wonder what he'd say about us?"
Putting on my best 'gruff father' impersonation, I give her, "Young lady, just what do you think you're doing with that hoodlum? Get away from him! Come here!"
She collapses to the ground, and even though I know the ploy by now it's hard to resist feeling panic. As I bend over her, I can hear her laughing. "It wasn't that funny." I tell her.
"You sounded just like him, though!" She leans up and kisses me, and then I pull her up to her feet.
"Do you want to go eat something?"
"Sure. Have you been to the Shanghai before?"
I haven't, and say as much. Her face brightens up, and she starts pulling at me even though she knows I wouldn't move an inch unless I wanted to.
Fortunately for her, I want to.
It's a nice place, almost sort of hidden away; the waitress is Yamaku's librarian, Yuuko, though I'd guess that the book-keeping job is more suited to her. She gets depressed easy, from all I can tell, and books can't hurt you in all the ways that people can...I'd know.
After we have our meal, a couple slices of cake and some tea, (I've never been one for coffee,) we head back up.
It was a nice day, all things considered, and I enjoyed it to the fullest I probably could've done.
Winter break is looming, as well as all the exams and vacation preparations that come with it. I intend to do what I always do when exams come around: skip all the review sessions and pray to the lottery gods for a miracle.
Well, actually, I'm really good at exams. They're probably the one part of school at which I'm anything beyond "competent."
After that, though, will be a lot of time just for me and Miki. Part of me dreads that, is afraid of so much one-to-one time with another person, but as a whole I'm looking forward to it.
Bring it on.