Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. For a number of things, that I think you'll soon understand. Chapter title by The Fray.

Disclaimer: See all other chapters, please and thank you .

Chapter 23: How To Save A Life

The force of the blast knocked Lilly off her feet and she flew backwards, her back slamming unforgivingly into the cold concrete. When she sat up blearily, the smoke all around made it hard to see. Quickly, she took stock of herself. Arms, legs, head. Good. Nothing damaged or missing. She leapt to her feet, and immediately someone was fussing over her.

"Detective. Detective, you need to come with me." Lilly swatted at the paramedic who was trying to affix an oxygen mask to her face. All of a sudden the place was swarming with them. Little figures ran toward the wreckage that was Fairhill Mall, now only half its original height and blazing with red flames. Her jaw dropped and she shook off the paramedic grasping in vain at her elbow.

"Scotty!" She yelled. She wasn't sure if anyone heard her. Without heeding her own safety, Lilly turned on her heel and ran toward the fire, bypassing cautious uniformed officers easily, but still feeling like she was moving much too slowly. "Scotty?"

She reached the edge of the building, or what was left of it anyways. A moment earlier, this was where Scotty had been standing. She was sure of it. She'd seen his outline, just inside the door, waiting for her. Then she'd stopped, picked up her walkie talkie. Why had she stopped?

Lilly's eyes traveled wildly over the splintered boards, chipped bricks, and scorched mortar. It wasn't like she hadn't seen things like this before, but it different, completely different, when someone you cared about was under there. Completely, fucking different.

"Lil." Kat's hand was on her shoulder now, her eyes wide with fear, but Lilly was sure she could only be feeling half of what was in her own heart. Vera was next to her, panting from the run and looking thoroughly overwhelmed.

She struggled to find the right words, not able to tear her eyes away from the ground, looking for some hint of her stirring boyfriend. "Scotty… he was… I saw him." She managed to get breathless instructions out before turning back and rolling up her sleeves.

A cough.

A cough.

All three detectives spun on the spot, zeroing in on the faint sound. A cough meant progress. A cough meant closeness. A cough meant living. It was Lilly who acted first, jumping into the rubble and shoving some aside. The pieces of the building, blasted apart, felt rough on her hands and her muscles ached with the effort.

Scotty.

She reached out a hand and he grabbed it, the strong pressure reassuring her beyond all other means. With her other hand, she swept aside a felled wooden beam as though it weighed less than nothing. To her, it weighed less than nothing. Nothing existed except the hand in hers and the eyes probing hers and the person quickly emerging from the ground.

"Son of a bitch…" Scotty gasped as Lilly pulled him onto solid ground. "Fuckin' bastard blew the place up. Three cops left in there…" He coughed again, putting a hand on his chest, and finding that his previously white dress shirt was ripped, untucked, and smeared with soot.

Maybe it was unprofessional and insensitive, but Lilly couldn't have cared less for the anonymous cops. All she could do was stare helplessly and thank her lucky stars. Scotty wasn't dead. Scotty wasn't hurt. And judging by the murderous look on his face, Scotty was more than okay.

"Shut up." She ordered, pulling him into a crushing embrace. "Shut up, you could've died… you idiot, you could've…" And then her breathing was coming in short gasps and she was hyperventilating. All she could do was keep holding on to him, relishing the feel of his body against hers. His solid, completely alive and okay body. She clung to Scotty for dear life while he buried his head into her neck.

"I'm okay." He promised. "It's over, Lil." He'd almost forgotten that his people were out here, that Lilly was waiting for him, that this nightmarish excuse for a case was finally, finally over. All he could think were the ones he'd left behind. The three other detectives he'd worked with all after noon who were surely dead now…

But now that Lilly was here, next to him, pressed up against him, he had the urge to send up a not-so-silent thanks for just being alive. He remembered the promise he'd made to Nick, well more to himself, about Lilly. He remembered being terrified that he wouldn't get the chance to tell her he loved her. And this … it wasn't the right time, not even close. This was amid carnage and wreckage, while the frantic smell of fear permeated the air around them.

And it didn't matter.

Scotty captured her face in his hands, locking his dark eyes with her, still terrified, blue ones. The crumpled building around them melted away, along with the inconsequential paramedics, firefighters, and cops. Even their closest colleagues standing a few feet away meant nothing. This was the moment he'd agonized over, pictured in his head over and over again. He took a deep breath, right away sensing Lilly's confusion, and paused, wanting to taste the words the first time they rolled off his tongue.

"I love you, Lil."

"It's Valens." Nick said, starting to make his way toward the other two detectives as Lilly helped a coughing Scotty stand up. "Let's go…" He began, but Kat cut him off with a soft hand on his chest.

"Give them a minute." She said softly, watching as Lilly wrapped her arms around his neck. She'd seen the panic in Lilly's eyes tonight, and it was the likes of which she'd never witnessed before from the stoic blonde. Even when she'd been shot, and was being wheeled barely conscious to the hospital. Even when she'd woken up hours later, to the pain of a gunshot wound Kat knew all too well, her fear hadn't shown. This fear surpassed the fear for yourself, because it was fear for someone you loved, maybe without even knowing it.

Nick stood back to study his colleagues. They were saying something now, whispering in each other's ears and clinging that much harder. It reminded him of that time Veronica's school bus had wrapped itself around a pole on its way home during a thunderstorm one night. It was nothing more than a broken arm, but Kat and Nick had sat in the waiting room, biting their nails and crushing coffee cups and each other's hands. When they got to take their girl home, Nick had said those three little words for the first time. The first of many times.

He reached down and took Kat's hand. As expected, she gave him a scandalized glare and stared to back away. "Nick." She hissed, "What if they see us?"

"Ain't like they're keepin' any secrets any more." He remarked casually. And Kat saw that the way they were holding each other went way past partnerly. She agreed softly, letting their fingers intertwine without a word.

Kat knew in that moment that things had changed, between all four of them. There was no way Rush and Valens could continue denying their relationship to Nick, or continue swearing her to secrecy, not the way they were acting openly affectionate. And for them… maybe it was time for someone to know how happy they were too. Kat felt tears prick her eyes as she leaned against Nick's shoulder.

"And we ain't either."

Lilly's heart beat frantically as she pulled out of his arms and stared into his eyes. She stumbled back a few steps, the weight of his words falling onto her shoulders like a ton of bricks, startling her. Her eyes widened and she could see the worry and the damn-did-I-really-just look in his eyes.

Scotty scrambled to backtrack, seeing the look in her eyes and realizing this was all too soon, too overwhelming, too un-Lilly. He scrubbed a hand frustratingly through his hair, finding it damp with sweat. He wasn't sure if it was from being trapped in a doomed building with an armed bomber, or the fact that he'd just spilled his guts to Lilly Rush and she was starting back at him as though he'd uttered something terrifying.

No shit, Valens. You've only been dating for a month.

In that moment, Scotty seemed to realize the severity of what he had said. "Lil, I'm sorry." He hastened. "I-I didn't mean-" He stopped halfway through, the reassuring words he could've conjured up dying on his lips.

He couldn't lie to her.

Instead he fell silent, hoping that the damage done was reparable, that she would accept his words, if not reciprocate them right away. Just let her smile, shrug it off, whatever. Please…

For her part, Lilly was completely frozen. She wondered if she should meet his eyes, then decided better of it. Seeing the smoldering, slightly fearful, but still defiant look in his eyes would only make matters worse. It would only make it harder for her to…

Scotty started to say something, and then he stopped, but for the life of her, Lilly couldn't repeat what he'd said aloud half a second ago. The words I love you were still ringing in her ears, as if trying to mock her. See that Lilly? He loves you. Just like your mom loved you, and your sister loved you and all those other men loved you.

The voice in her head sneered at her, and in a flash, all the little repressed memories were dragged to the surface, barely concealed beneath her watery blue eyes. Every rejection and hurt of her life played before her, as if in an infinite, torturous loop. Watching her dad leave, watching her mom die, lying on her couch, and mournfully fingering a spare key… The list went on and on until they were choking out the air around her and she couldn't breathe.

Lilly took another step back, shaking her head to clear the fears that came unbidden to the surface. It didn't work. She started to turn around, hoping that she would be able to think straight when not under Scotty's desperate gaze. And then maybe he wouldn't see how much what he'd said scared her, how different it made things, how she couldn't allow that to happen. Maybe if he wasn't looking at her like that, she could get a moment to just think.

Before she could take a step, Scotty reached out and grabbed her upper arm, keeping her rooted to the spot. "Lil." He pleaded weakly. "Don't…" Don't what, Valens? " Don't go. Just talk to me."

Lilly chewed on her lower lip, wondering what to say. She found herself stuttering slightly, "I'm glad you're okay." She began haltingly. And I couldn't love you. I couldn't love anyone. Sorry about that.

"And?" Scotty prompted. His heart was pounding in his ears, and he took no heed to the crushing pressure of his hand on her arm. If it was keeping her from bolting, than it was working. At least for now, she was still here.

What do I do? Lilly's eyes searched her surroundings, just barely taking in the rubble and the efforts of emergency personnel. She couldn't help but wonder if her and Scotty's relationship would be in that state by the end of the day, and if it was his fault for saying that, or her fault for not being able to take it. Realizing he was still expecting an answer, his hand around her arm, Lilly grasped at straws.

Leave him. Before he leaves you.

"Sorry. I can't." She muttered, wrenching her arm out of his hand with strength she didn't know she still possessed and immediately started to walk in the other direction. Away from all the chaos, figuratively and literally.

The cold, December air blew around her and Lilly felt a deep chill settle into her bones for the first time since getting out of the car that morning. She wasn't sure if it was because of the cold outside, or the sudden, non-abatable cold that had nestled somewhere next to her heart. Either way, she wrapped her arms around herself and broke into a run. Her vision blurred with tears that threatened to fall, but she kept running, and eventually her cheeks were so numb she thought maybe the pain had disappeared.

Scotty watched her walk away. Her steps rang in his ear, even though he knew it was physically impossible he was actually hearing them. They rang in his ear all the same. The slap of shoes against concrete, the sting of words against his heart. Sorry. I can't.

In the distance, he saw as Lilly got farther away, smaller and smaller, and then she picked up her pace, starting to run, toward her car, he presumed - not that it really mattered . The blond ponytail he loved to run his fingers through swung in the air, drooping slightly from all they'd been through in the past 24 hours. The drive, the talk, the disaster, the relief, and then the disaster again. Strangely, Scotty couldn't tear his eyes away from her. Maybe it was masochistic, self-deprecating, and just damn stupid, but he couldn't stop watching her run away from him.

"Hey Valens. You alright?" Scotty turned to find an FBI agent staring at him with worry. Agent What's-his-face. The name refused to come to mind, lost as a inconsequential detail in a roller coaster of a day. He put a reassuring hand on Scotty's shoulder. The young detective seemed mostly unharmed. Unlike the rest of his team…

Scotty almost laughed. "Nah. I ain't alright." He said quietly. He was surprised to find that he still had his voice. For sure, the last thing he said was 'I love you', right? He wasn't talking to anybody now. He wasn't.

The agent stared back. "You look like hell, man. Maybe you should go to the hospital."

Scotty just shook his head. He didn't need a hospital, that antiseptic smell and those frantic people. That was the last thing he needed. He needed… he needed to drink, to forget, to get so disoriented and inebriated that he could forget about the dazzling blonde who'd walked away with his shattered heart in tow.

He shivered, remembering that it was mid-December, cold, and he was wearing only a ripped white dress shirt. Yes, alcohol sounded good. Warmth and central heating… just an added bonus, something to help numb the utter disbelief that he'd been so stupid to, once again, mess everything up.

I was afraid Lilly would go and do this. Can they fix it? Read on and find out! LOL, if you have a sec, leave me a review. I love hearing from you guys.