Sophie walked out of the pub into the warm summer evening as it wrapped around her tenderly embracing her like an old friend. She could hear someone singing 'pour some sugar on me' from inside The Rovers (karaoke night) and she smiled leaning against the wall. Soon however she realised she was not alone when she caught the scent of Sian.
"Hey." Sophie said even though she did not look up to see the new presence.
"How did you know I was here?" The blonde asked with a curious smile.
"You smell of strawberries, I'd know it anywhere." She said as she looked up to see her beautiful lover grinning at her and it made her heart skip a beat. The brunette looked around and then took Sian's hand in her own pulling her around the corner away from any prying eyes. Now alone Sophie pushed the older girl up against the wall and began to attack her lips, savouring the taste of her mouth. Sian slipped her tongue into Sophie's mouth as they crashed together in the heat of passion, their bodies were so close together they might as well have been one. The brunette felt Sian suck on her bottom lip biting it gently, sending a wave of fervour through her body. Needing air the duo pulled apart, keeping their foreheads touching and planting chaste kisses on the others lips.
Sophie shot up in bed a cold film of sweat on her brow and upper lip. Her breath snaked out of her as she tried to regain control of herself, it was a dream she repeated to herself attempting to return control over herself. She should have been use to this, dreams or nightmares depending which way you looked at it had been haunting her for the last three weeks. Sophie had yet to get through a single night when she hadn't been woken from her slumber. It was like her body was seeking out a way to tell her she had made a grave mistake in turning Sian away and she was constantly trying to tell herself she had done the right thing. She could not have attempted a relationship with Sian, too much had passed between them and now that Sian was pregnant it would never have worked. But her subconscious clearly had other ideas and disturbed her with pictures of them together. Her dream/nightmare had been rather tame compared to ones from other nights and for that she had to be slightly thankful.
Sitting up she pulled her knees to her chest rubbing her face with her hands trying to scrub away the images that now refused to leave her mind. She missed when her dreams would disappear the moment she awoke from her slumber but these ones stayed with her hours sometimes even days after she had woken up. The winter night howled outside her window and she sighed deeply feeling that familiar ache rest inside her chest, before it had come and gone but now it stayed whenever she awake a permanent reminder of what she had thrown away.
"Jesus." She muttered as tears sprung to life in the corner of her eyes. She had to be up for work in two hours she noted as she looked at the clock and reluctantly she pushed the covers back. Although Sophie feared going to sleep another sadistic part of her revelled in it, because it was in these instances that she got to see herself with Sian, see them happy and together. The agony of waking up and finding herself alone was indescribable, but it was worth it she thought to herself. She really was a gluten for punishment. But she knew she deserved it, no matter what anyone else said. There was no point attempting to sleep again so she got up and processed to get ready for the pretence of her life.
She breathed out deeply as she took her surroundings suddenly realising she was not in her own room. The abrupt wake up had caused her to forget her whereabouts. She had stayed at her sisters the previous night to watch Blake so that Rosie and Jason could go watch Billy Elliot the musical that was touring. Although Jason had offered Sophie his ticket. It had been a nice way to spend her evening, she found it almost impossible to stay in a bad mood when she was around her nephew. He was so curious and smart that Sophie marvelled at him and the way his mind worked.
Sitting on the edge of the bed Sophie wiped the sleep out of her eyes along with the tears, and tried to focus on her plan for the day ahead. She would go to work and pretend to be happy, pretend to not be dying. Alex would pretend that there wasn't a huge secret hiding between them and Ellie would pretend that she wasn't hurt. What had started off as a kiss between Sophie and Sian before leading into a full blown affair had splinted down and effected more people that Sophie ever thought was possible. Even now that it was over people were still suffering and Sophie had no idea how to correct it all. Ellie refused to look her in the eye even when they encountered each other at school. Sophie hated herself for causing the girl any anguish and she yearned for a way to rob it away and store it with her own because it was what she warranted. She deserved all the pain.
Across the street Sian switched the kettle on as she pushed herself up onto the kitchen work top pulling the local newspaper open as she waited for the water to boil. She didn't really even bother trying to sleep anymore, it felt so pointless. Her mind was so crazy with thoughts that it never calmed down long enough for a whole nights sleep. She had managed with a few hours here and there over the last three weeks and although she felt exhausted she was managing. But with her tired body and broken heart she felt like she had nothing left to offer the world and she could feel it starting to effect her at work. She wished she could just click her fingers and snap out of. Well, if she was wishing for things Sian wished she had a time machine to do everything differently that way she'd have found herself waking up beside Sophie. But this morning like the previous 22 days she was awake up alone on a friend's couch all alone. She rubbed her stomach tenderly, knowing that she was not just taking care of one person she now had two people to consider. She had to look after her.
The night at Sophie's still tortured, she recalled it every time she closed her eyes and she suspected that was one of the biggest reasons that sleep evaded her. The rerun in her mind was always colourful and loaded as it mocked her for believing that they were finally going to get their happy ending. She had not expected their reunion to be easy, she was carrying Ryan's child after all but she had thought once they talked it through they could work it out. Sophie telling her to leave had not even crossed her mind. Sian knew she was a naïve fool but that was what love did to you. Love carried you up to the highest point in the world so you could feel the clouds rush past you and you could see the beauty of the earth below. No one warns about the moment the ground rocks beneath your feet and you just fall, landing on the ground in a bloody mess.
Katy and Chesney's couch was comfortable and she was thankful for their hospitality but she needed to get out. She didn't feel like she could impose of them any more even if they claimed she wasn't. Sian had the money to move out, she had good savings and her job paid extremely well but she'd kept putting the task of looking hidden away. The blonde knew why she had put off searching because somewhere in the back of her mind she had hoped and still did hope that Sophie was going to turn up at the door. Sophie would mutter something about being wrong and Sian would hold her and tell her that it didn't matter any more. She had replayed the imaginary scene over and over in her mind and she couldn't quite let the dream of it happening die away.
With a deep heart tugging sigh she opened the paper to the property section knowing that she would have to make some appointments for the weekend. Sian heard movement from the hallway and chuckled to herself when she heard Katy singing. "Today I don't feel like do anything, I just want to lay in my bed, don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone." She adored her friend, and Katy would never know what a truly good friend she had been, she'd been Sian's rock. She'd held Sian tightly as she cried when returning rejected from Sophie's, she had not muttered anything negative and only soothed her caring words. "Hey." She said surprised when she noticed that Sian was already up, but she was always the first one up.
"Morning." Sian replied with a smile.
"Jackson didn't wake you did he?" She asked concerned as she went and received one of the already prepared bottles of milk.
"Nope, he never wakes me." It was true because she was always awake before the little boy turned the air blue with his cries.
"Still not sleeping?" Katy asked with a knowing tilt of her head and Sian shrugged.
"I sleep fine."
"Liar." She shot back. "Anything interesting happening in the world?" Gesturing to the paper before she processed to heat up the milk for her son.
"It's yesterdays, I'm just looking at properties."
"Why?" Katy forgot about what she was doing and turned to look at her friend with a knotted brow.
"I can't stay here forever."
"Yeah you can, you could be like our live in babysitter." She tried to joke, the truth was she had enjoyed having Sian here. Also she was worried about her friend, she'd watched as she'd gone in on herself and it scared Katy more than she was willing to admit.
"As lovely as that offer sounds, and trust me I love your son but I need to find somewhere else. I'm scared every time I walk outside that I'm going to run into Ryan or Michelle." Sian had only seen her husband twice since she walked away and both times he had just stared at her blankly as she spoke. He was hurt she understood that and it was her fault, she deserved the silent treatment from him. But the only way she could make it better between them was by returning back home and that wasn't an option for her anymore. She wanted Sophie and she was planning to win her back. She would piece back every part of Sophie's heart no matter how many times she cut her fingers on the sharp edges. Being divorced by 25 made her feel terrible but at the same time it was better than living a lie.
"Screw 'em." Katy shrugged as she checked the temperate of the milk against her forearm.
"That's easy for you to say. You know what Michelle's like about Ryan." Katy nodded knowingly as Chesney walked into the kitchen with only his boxers on and his son on his hip.
"Sian doesn't want to see you in your underwear, go get dressed." She leaned forward and took Jack from his dad and the little boy snuggled into his mother. Sian watched the exchange with a tender smile. It wouldn't be long before it was her with a baby and the idea made her smile glow. That was until she thought about how she would be doing it alone, she had no doubt that by then Ryan would have come around and he'd want to be involved but she was still going to be a single mother. She'd had fantasies about her and Sophie raising a child together, arguing about who's turn it was to get up in the night. And Sian still wasn't really to let that idea go.
"Maybe she likes it." Chesney flexed his muscles in a few poses before shooting Sian a toothy grin. "Working for you?"
"Someone might have to hold me back because my desire for you is out of this world." She told him sarcastically trying to bite back a chuckle.
"Told ya." He smirked at his wife who rolled her eyes.
"She's patronising you. I'm the only one who wants that body so go cover it up before I go into some crazy jealous rage."
"You're patronising me as well ain't you?" He asked with playful narrowed eyes.
"That obvious?"
"Completely." He leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Katy's lips and one to his son's forehead. Sian watched the whole exchange with envy. Chesney went back down the hall while Katy uncapped the bottle and popped into her waiting son's mouth.
"You'd have thought by now he's lean to put something on before he comes out."
"I'm just thankful he has boxers on." Sian held up her hands with a smile. "Because that's one full monty I don't think I can handle seeing."
"He's a grower not a shower." Katy laughed as she watched Sian's face crumble at the mental image she was giving her friend.
"Oh my, delicate little ears in the room." Sian exclaimed.
"He doesn't know what we're talking about." She stated as she looked down at her little boy.
"I wasn't talking about him." They duo chuckled lightly before a comfortable silence fell over them. The only sound was that of Jackson as he sucked on his bottle. Sian watched Katy out of the corner of her eye, a question pressing to come out of her lips, but she wasn't sure if she could ask.
"Just ask it." The brunette called not raising her head.
"What?" She asked taken back by the younger girls words.
"You have been dying to ask me about my conversation with Sophie since yesterday when I called her." Katy told her matter-of-factly and Sian marvelled at how well her friend knew her.
"Well since you brought it up."
"Smooth Conner." Katy instantly regretted her words when she witnessed the blonde physically flinch at the use of her married name. It felt like a blow to Sian's stomach but she fought through and smiled at her friend to let her know that she was okay. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's my name after all." It came out more bitter than she intended. "Is she alright?" No matter what pain she was feeling she needed to know how Sophie was. It had taken all her power to stay away from Sophie and not to turn up on her door begging her, telling her they were meant to be. She was willing to give Sophie time but she was in no way giving up. How can you give up on something that's meant to be? Romeo didn't give up on Juliet and she wasn't going to live her life surrounded with any more what if's. She ignored the part of her mind that argued Romeo and Juliet died because their love consumed them so deeply.
"Well she said she's fine, that's she coping." She wanted to be happy at this yet it stung. "But…" Katy began again and Sian's head snapped up so quickly she thought she heard some bones snap. "I saw Rosie last night when she was heading out with Jason."
"And?" She prompted impatiently.
"She's not alright. I mean she was thin the last time we saw her, Jesus when I hugged her I thought she'd snap." Sian thought the brunette looked thin but she'd been so happy that she was in close proximity to Sophie she hadn't noticed. She silent berated herself for not noticing this about the woman she loved, she hated that this was effecting Sophie. "But apparently she has lost even more weight, she isn't taking care of herself. Rosie's actually worried."
"Jesus." Sian said burying her head in her hands with a deep sigh, feeling the stitches rip from her heart all over again. She knew she had to do something, she just didn't know what and she was certain that Sophie wouldn't except her help anyway. "I should go see her."
"No." Katy answered abruptly almost pulling the bottle out of Jacks mouth. "It's only been three weeks."
"Maybe I can help her."
"Maybe you'll make it worse." The blonde frowned, confused by her friend's dismissal of her suggestion. "Look Sian I love you and I love Sophie. But I think you should stay away." Her words were gentle but Sian felt a slight threat behind them.
"I don't know if I can."
"You've managed for 3 weeks, what's a little longer. Wait until you speak to Ryan about this separation at least."
"I'm not separating from him, I'm divorcing him." The brunette sighed at her friend as her eyes feathered closed.
"I know that's what you're saying now but-"
"There is no buts here Katy, I'm not in love with him. I want to be with Sophie." The older girl exclaimed in a whispered shout. She didn't understand where her friend was coming from with this, Katy had held her while she'd cried about Sophie, a few tears had escaped for her marriage but they had mostly been due to the youngest Webster.
"Sian…" She started gently.
"I'm going to get ready." The blonde stated sharply although she instantly regretted her tone but she made no effort to apologise as she walked away towards the bathroom. Sian knew her anger was irrational, Katy was just trying to protect them both in her own way, but Sian saw it as Katy telling her to back away. Sophie was her other half, she was only a complete person when they were together and she had no intention as spending the rest of her life half a person. So as she washed her face roughly, trying to scrub away her mournful expression before she went to work Sian tried to ignore the nagging voice that told her Katy was right.
Sophie sipped her tea at the table while Blake sat opposite her spooning his cornflakes into his mouth dropping most of them back into his bowl. She chuckled trying to decide if he had got his eating habits from Jason or Rosie.
"Ona g c uo dinsa elm?" He spoke at that Sophie could see his food roll around in his mouth; he definitely got it from his mother she thought with a giggle.
"What was that?" She asked him with amusement, the boy opened his mouth to repeat himself but she quickly put her hand up. "Wait till you've finished eating that mouthful, pretty sure I'm gonna be picking your breakfast out of my hair all morning." He laughed spitting some more of his food out but promptly swallowed before showing his aunt that his mouth was empty. "Go ahead little man."
"I said, you wanna go and watch the new Disney film with me?"
"A cinema full of hyped up children, can't think of anything better." She smiled at him through her sarcastic comment.
"Yay!" He clapped excitedly able to understand that her answer meant yes. "Can we go on Saturday?" He asked his eyes pleading at her.
The truth was Sophie didn't even need to consult her diary, she was free. She was always free, the only time she ventured out of her flat was either for work, food or Blake. It wasn't that she didn't have offers to go out for the evening or out for lunch it was just it was too much effort. Sophie would be expected to pretend that she was happy when in truth she felt like she was dying. With Blake she didn't have to be someone else, he lighted her mood without even trying and when she did feel quiet he would sit and let Sophie hold him. He was too young to understand what was really going on with his aunt but he did seem to be able to sense she was down and the little boy just wanted to help. When she thought it wasn't possible to love and adore him anymore he would prove her wrong.
"Don't see why not." She shrugged.
"Can we have Mcdonalds as well?"
"You know they aren't good you, you know." Sophie told him with a lop sided grin.
"I know, I just don't care." She couldn't stop the laughter and it made her insides smile. The little boy was like her temporary high, she knew it was not possible for him to sort her mood out permanently but it was enough for now. Sophie just focused her life on getting through minute by minute it was too much working day by day, this way hurt less.
"Has anyone seen my shoes?" Rosie came down the stairs with her arms full of dirty clothes.
"There's some there." Blake pointed out before he popped in his final spoonful of cornflakes.
"And there's a black pair behind the couch and I think I saw some red ones under the coffee table." Sophie followed on.
"They're the blue ones with the white bows. Have you not finished your breakfast?" He speedily chewed before sticking his tongue out and showing his mother his empty bowl.
"I have now." He answered with a smirk and jumped off the chair.
"Go up stairs and have a wash, and brush your teeth, don't just run it under the water and pretend that you've done it."
"She knows that trick because that's what she use to do." Sophie teased and was met by a stern look from her sister and Blake chuckled with his whole body at the exchange.
"You're input is unwanted." Rosie informed her younger sister who smirked. "You're uniform is on your bed. Wash, teeth, dressed in twenty minutes or we'll be late, bring your gel down and I'll do your hair." He smiled brightly before running up the stairs.
"I'm going to have to check his breath now to make sure he's brushed thank you very much." Rosie grumbled as she filled up the washing machine, Sophie watched the scene in front of with a small smile. It was hard to believe this was the same girl who had set their kitchen alight. Rosie had grown up so much and although she was still the same at heart the maturity was still surprising.
"You're so welcome."
"If I can't find those shoes I'm gonna have to change." She huffed as she crouched down to look under the table.
"Just wear the black ones." Sophie suggested as she drank the last of her tea.
"They don't go with this outfit."
"Black goes with everything." She offered with a shrug.
"And that is way I'm a fashion icon and you're not." The younger girl rolled her eyes before placing her empty cup into the dish washer.
"So did you pair have a good night?" Rosie asked as she walked around the kitchen on her hands and knees ruthlessly looking for the shoes she desperately wanted, Sophie watched with amusement.
"Yeah we had a great time. Went and took sweets from some strangers, ran around with scissors before we watched some horror movies."
"You're kidding right?" Rosie shot back with her mouth agape.
"Yes Rose, I'm joking. We watched Finding Nemo." Sophie chuckled.
"Aunty Sophie cried." Blake called from the living room.
"Are you dressed and washed already?" Rosie shouted back to him
"I came to get my tooth brush." He called back.
"Why is it down stairs, wait I don't want to know!" She told him as her words were followed by his feet running up the stairs again. "You cried?" Rosie asked standing up and brushing down her clothes.
"It's sad, you think he's dead." Her sister and looked at her sceptically. "Fine. I'm overly emotional. Well as lovely as your company is and I'm only talking about Blake." Rosie swatted her arm playfully. "I need to get to school, I want to grab the classroom with the good projector today."
"Okay, don't forget Sunday." Sophie looked over her shoulder as she picked up her bag with a frown upon her face. "Dinner, mum and dads." The brunette moaned lowly, having completely forgotten. "And no I'm not covering for you again. So you better be there."
"Fine." Sophie threw the strap over her head and smiled to her sister, the gesture hurt her face. "Right, well I shall see you Sunday. Bye Blake!" She called up the stairs.
"Bye Aunty Sophie." She went to open the door when she heard her sister call her and she turned with expectation towards the kitchen.
"You can stop that, it's hurting my eyes." Rosie said and Sophie knotted her brow confused by her sisters words. "Stop pretending you're fine." The breath caught in Sophie's throat and she swallowed it down painfully.
"I am fine." She offered with another fake smile.
"No you're not. You are completely and utterly depressed. You're just putting on this happy-go-lucky façade."
"I'm shocked you even know what façade means." Sophie joked but her sister clearly didn't appreciate it as she placed her hands on her hips with a firm face. "There's no pleasing you. You complain because I'm moping and then you're whining that I'm happy."
"At least when you were miserable you were being honest. You're attempts at smiling are scary. You look like the joker."
"Thanks." Sophie said sadly, she thought she'd been doing well pushing all her pain to the bottom of her heart, but it was obviously seeping out without her being aware of it.
"She left him for you." Rosie said with a small grin and Sophie's eyes darkened.
"Don't. We're not talking about this."
"Maybe you need to talk about this." Rosie shot back and Sophie's jaw set in annoyance.
"I can't do this now I've got work."
"Run away again Soph, you're getting good at that." The older woman knew it was a low blow even before it left her mouth, but she wanted to get through to her sister. However nothing was said again between them and the only sound was that of the door slamming causing the pictures on the wall to shake.
Sian walked across the cobbles to grab a newspaper and her morning coffee (well tea). She missed her strong shot of caffeine in the morning as it kick started her mind to catch up with her body. But she
knew it was bad for the baby so she had put a firm stop it. She attempted to delude herself that the tea tasted the same; it didn't no matter what she told herself.
As she was approaching the shop she noticed Ryan walking towards Roy's, when they made eye contact however he stopped in his tracks and began to hurry in another direction. Sian knew that she should just go
get her paper, she knew that she should enter the Kabin and leave her husband alone. She knew he needed time and she had to wait for him to be ready to talk to her. Yes Sian knew all of that but it didn't stop the fiery side of her rearing it's head as she hurried after him. They needed to talk, she had an appointment for a sonogram and she wanted him to be there because everything else aside this baby was his.
"Ryan!" She called after him but the man kept his head down and continued his retreat. "Ryan stop will you." Picking up her pace Sian reached out and managed to loop her hand around his elbow yanking Ryan
to a stop. "Ryan, you can't just keep ignoring me."
He didn't say anything just looked down at his feet which only caused Sian's frustrations to grow. She understood that she needed to be more patient with him, after all it had been her who had caused him to
behave like this but in no way did that mean she was happy about it. Looking at him she wished that she could erase the last two years and save everyone from the mess she had caused.
"Please Ryan. Look at me." Her voice virtually pleading, it hurt to know the man she married couldn't even look her in the eye. "Please."
"I can't." He finally spoke. "I have to go to work." He stated but Sian refused to loosen her grip.
"It's Friday, you don't work Fridays." She chuckled lightly. "Have you forgotten I'm married to you, I know when you work."
"Me forgotten we're married? It wasn't me who walked out the door." Sian screwed up her face regretting her words to him, but even as he spat the words out he still refused to lift his head.
"I know and I'm sorry."
"Don't bother. I heard enough sorrys from you. And you're only saying it because you want me to forgive you and I don't." Finally he raised his eyes to look at his wife and Sian saw the harshness to his usual soft orbs.
"Ryan." She said quietly hating his hard exterior, hating the way he was looking not at her but through her. "I'm not expecting you to forgive me."
"Then what do you want?" He spat out folding his arms across his chest as though protecting his heart.
"I have a sonogram."
He laughed bitterly and she felt the edges of it cut across her flesh. "And what? You want me there."
"I thought perhaps you might want to be there."
"To be part of some lie. Pretending that we get on, that we're some happy family." He scoffed and she flinched.
"I know I've hurt you-"
"Hurt me? That's the biggest understatement I've ever heard. I love you. I married you for fuck sake. I thought this was forever you and me."
"I did too." She tried to comfort him but she couldn't help the nagging voice in the back of her mind that said 'no you didn't.'
"Don't lie. Don't you think you've done enough of that. You've been lying the moment you said yes to my proposal. You lied when you said I do, you lied every time we made love. And now you want us to lie and
pretend that everything is fine and go to the sonogram!" He shouted at her the anger was bubbling over inside him and Sian silently cursed herself for chasing after him. She wanted to refute his claims to say that she never mislead him with her feelings but she couldn't.
"This is your child Ryan, I thought perhaps you would to be involved." She tried to reason.
"Is it though?" He shot back venomously.
"What?"
"Is it mine? I don't know. Maybe that's how you got into chambers laying on your back and opening your legs." It wasn't the fact that he was accusing her of an affair that stung it was that he accused her of getting ahead by anything other than her ability. She just stared at him open mouthed in complete shock.
"How can you say that. This baby is yours Ryan."
"Well perhaps I don't want it. I don't want to be reminded of you. I just want you to fuck off and die somewhere!" The words seemed to even surprise himself as tears tickled the back of Sian's blue eyes.
"Hey! Back off!" The raised voice came from behind the blonde, as she looked over her shoulder she saw Sophie jogging towards them. For the first time in a long while she was not happy to see the brunette. She
didn't want Sophie to see her like this, brawling with her husband in the middle of the street. She didn't want to give her love a tainted image of herself.
"Oh surprise, surprise. Ten years on and I'm still in a relationship with three people." Ryan laughed but his eyes seemed dead.
"Just calm down okay." Sophie said gently as she stood beside the blonde looking up at Ryan who's face was almost bright red with rage, but Sophie knew there was pain behind his angry outer walls.
"This is nothing to do with you Sophie." He dismissed.
"It is when you're having a go at her in the middle of the street." She argued as she placed a tentative hand on Sian's back. She turned to look at the blonde who had her eyes trained to the floor.
"Oh I get it. Get your dyke of an ex involved. It must eat you up that she picked me over you. Well take her back she's all yours. I can't even bare to look at her."
"Don't talk to her like that." Sian retorted her head snapping up. He could say what he wanted to her, hurt her with cruel words but she would never allow him to talk to Sophie in such a manner.
"Or what? You'll leave me again. Bring me down some more? What? You've made a complete and utter fucking fool of me. I don't want anything to do with you or that baby!" He shouted his voice reverberating off the houses surrounding them as the sound came back like a wave against the blonde. Unable to stand it any longer, her husband was gone, there only stood a shell in front of her. Sian ran.
The blonde didn't stop running until she was at the end of the street and she felt like her legs were going to give away. She was completely embarrassed, having Sophie hearing all of that. Ryan was a mess she understood that and took full responsibility for this, she had been the one to pull the carpet out from under him. She warranted his dark mood, but she wished that Sophie had not been their to witness it. The warm fat tears fell slowly down her cheeks and she was happy to let them fall, however she heard heavy footsteps approaching swiftly. She quickly wiped at her wet eyes because she didn't want Ryan to see her like this, it would have little effect on him anyway as they entered into round two. Sniffling she turned to greet him but was shocked to see Sophie walking closer to her. Sian contemplated walking towards her but she doubted that her legs would carry her so she let Sophie close the distance between them. Opening her mouth to speak nothing came out but it didn't matter because Sophie took one final step and wrapped her arms around Sian both tenderly and gently. The blonde stood tense for a moment waiting for her brain to catch up with the events and before she could stop them, sobs rattled through her and she almost fell into Sophie's arms. It was a reunion, although it wasn't how she expected her next encounter with the brunette to go, this meant so much more to her. She cried for herself, she cried for Ryan, she cried for the baby but most of all she cried for them. If tears could heal a broken heart, then she'd be able to repair the whole world.
After a long while Sophie let go of the girl who had held her so tightly in her embrace. She did not know how long they had been standing there holding each other, but it had been a second too long. Sophie smiled at the tear soaked girl. "Thank you Sophie." Sian finally choked out and the younger girl smiled strictly, trying to reel in her emotions.
"This doesn't change anything Sian, it's just against my better judgement I came in here." The truth was it had been an instant decision, she had given Ryan a hard look of disapproval before turning after the blonde. But she couldn't admit that aloud.
"I understand." Sian finally said but having the girl hold her had caused her entire body to tingle with feelings, it had felt warm and a beautiful mess all at once. "I'm glad you came."
"You're welcome." Sophie was going to leave having given the girl all the comfort that her heart would allow, she nodded and turned to leave.
"Me and Ryan…" The blonde wanted to say so much to the other girl, explain about her and Ryan, tell her about the baby, but she really didn't know where to start with it all; that there was no way back for her and her husband, that she meant it when she said she was leaving him.
"I'm not quite ready to sit and listen to your relationship problems just yet." Sophie said honestly, although Sian had turned up on her door claiming they had separated she expected that Sian and Ryan would be back together soon. Even as teenagers they were always breaking up and getting back together, even after the harsh words she had just witnessed, plus Sian hated being alone and now she was pregnant even more reason to go back. "We aren't just suddenly back to normal." She finished.
"I know that, but you came after me?" Sian had wanted to see more in this action than what was actually there and the realisation stung as Sophie lifted the corners of her mouth into the saddest smile Sian had ever seen.
"Because for a longest time I loved you, and I can't just switch that off and neither can I forget what happened between us. Baby steps. Maybe one day we can be…friends" Sophie explained staring hard into blue eyes. The word 'loved' rattled in Sian's brain, and she started to think that maybe it was too late, everything had changed and she felt the hammer strike against her heart.
"That night Soph…" She began.
"Don't, now isn't the time." Sophie stopped her knowing where the conversation was heading, she couldn't hear it.
"There will be a time for all of this?" Sian inquired, she knew she was pushing the brunette but she longed for the moment that she could confess about everything that plagued her mind. To have a moment of just them together so they could talk even if it was just as 'friends' which was the last thing she wanted.
"Eventually." the younger girl did want to hear what the other girl had to say, even if her brain called her a fool. However she wanted it to be at a time when it would not effect her so deeply, when maybe the wounds weren't so exposed and raw. Her feelings for Sian were still tender and could tip her either way and she didn't have the energy to pick herself back up right now, she wanted to be stable in their 'friendship' if that was even possible.
"Well thank you for coming, when I needed someone."
Sophie just smiled as she walked away, glad that she had been there for the blonde but knew that she had to leave. She had been split when she'd seen Sian rush off, it had been the tears that glistened in the blonde's eyes that had caused her to go after her. Sophie knew that she should probably not have gone, sometimes the right thing is indeed also the wrong way forward. Holding Sian had caused too many emotions to surge through her body and she wished she had a switch that she could flick off. She hated the way Sian made her feel, she hated the way that the blonde had such an influence on her. But she couldn't bring herself to hate the love she had for the blonde and perhaps that was what hurt most.
Sophie pulled her car up to her apartment, stopping the car she just sat there for five minutes. The encounter with Sian was still playing on her mind and she looked down at her phone that sat on the passenger seat. Picking it up she scrolled through her contact list until she found Sian's number looking out at her. Her finger hovered over the call button as she tried to convince herself it was a good idea. It had only been nine hours since they had stood together on the street and nine hours since she had mentioned them trying for a friendship. She did what to be Sian's friend she repeated it to herself as though if she thought it enough she would eventually believe it. It had nothing to do with the fact that she desperately wanted the blonde close to her again, wanted their bodies to fit together, and it had nothing to do with wanting to feel those soft lips moving against her own. With a frustrated growl she threw her phone into her bag and exited her vehicle. She missed the days when she was a child when the only pain she had to worry about were skinned knees instead of skinned hearts; it was much simpler.
As she popped her key into the lock she thought she could hear Damien Rice playing softly and she frowned before she turned the key and pushed her door open. The music was definitely coming from her living room, it couldn't have been Rosie, she thought Damien Rice was a type of Indian food. Attentively she walked towards the music and poked her head around the doorframe and looked around the empty room. It was then that an intoxicating aroma caught her senses, taking a sniff she realised it was cooking coming from her kitchen. It was definitely not a burglar, because she doubted very much they would come in to not only cook themselves a meal but also listen to her music. Eyeing her closed kitchen door she took careful steps towards the source of the smell and slowly she pushed the door open, the sight caught in her throat.
"Hey." Sian said who was standing in her kitchen a tea towel over her shoulder and a knife in her hand as she cut up vegetables.
"W-what are you doing here?" Sophie stuttered out, her brain was having trouble piecing the scene together.
"I'm cooking you dinner and there is a bath waiting for you." The blonde explained with a wide smile.
"That still doesn't answer my question." She shot back folding her arms defensively across her chest.
"I-you aren't looking after yourself."
"I'm looking after myself fine…And even if I wasn't it's not your job to look after me." The words were sharp and she saw the blonde wince. Sophie didn't intend to be so hard but she had to be, she had to put her walls up otherwise Sian would find her way through and she couldn't risk it. She thought it was odd considering no more than two minutes ago she had been about to call Sian. Sophie was becoming use to her warring emotions, the constant push and pull they put her through.
"I know. But I wanted to." Sian said simply taking in Sophie's appearance finally. This morning had been a whirlwind but now Katy's words echoed in her head and she instantly noted the weight loss of the brunette. She still looked beautiful, Sian thought it was impossible for her not to, but she looked thin and her clothes hung off her and Sian hated herself for being so self absorbed that she had not noticed until now. Sophie looked pale which evidently made her blue eyes stand out more, blue eyes that looked sad and tired. Knowing it had been her that caused this visible change made the blonde want to be physically sick.
"You shouldn't be here." Sophie stated feeling uncomfortable under Sian's intense gaze and she shifted her feet to take a step back. "This morning, I, it..." She sighed cursing herself for being unable to form sentences. Sian seemed to look more gorgeous every time she saw her and it was utterly distracting. The worst part was that she had to continually remind herself to keep away, to not wrap her arms around the blonde and it was exhausting.
"I know what this morning was." Came the sad reply. "But I just wanted to do something so I cooked you chicken chasseur."
"That's my favourite." Sophie said despite herself.
"I know that as well."
"I can't do this." She said quietly and she couldn't decide if it was directed to Sian or herself.
"Go have a bath. I'll finish this and put it in the oven. I'll be gone when you get out." In all fairness it was more than Sian had expected. She had thought Sophie would come barging in and instantly kick her out. The light behind Sophie's eyes was fading and it broke Sian's heart, she wanted nothing more than to see them shine again. "I told you I wasn't giving up Sophie." The brunette just nodded and turned to walk down the hallway to her bathroom.
Stepping inside the bathroom she shut the door quickly behind her and leaned against it letting out a long breath. Tears were burning to escape and now alone she let them fall. Through her blurred vision she looked at her usual boring bathroom, there were candles lighting up the room and the bubble filled bath smelled of jasmine. It made her heart ache. Changing and slipping inside she cried silently knowing the girl she loved was just beyond that door preparing her dinner. This was one of those perfect moments you dream of when you find the one. Coming home to find a bath waiting and dinner being cooked, and yet it was breaking Sophie. Life was anything but fair. The hot water relieved some of the stress coursing through her and she was silently thankful for it. Cocking her head slightly she noticed the change of song and could do nothing but smile at the familiar tune.
'I'd catch a grenade for ya,
Throw my hand on a blade for ya,
I'd jump in front of a train for ya,
You know I'd do anything for ya.
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain.'
Bruno Mars, it had been her and Sian's album during their first year of college, they had played it so much the CD had eventually worn out and had to be replaced. Many of the songs reminded her of the blonde and due to this she had not listened to the album for a long while, it was too painful. On this instance however she was transported to her back to the builders yard as she sat on the couch revising for her AS levels, Sian sang the chorus to her while sitting at the desk. It was late in the evening but her parents had been fighting and they had escaped for some quiet.
~x~x~
"Throw my hand on a blade for ya." She sang and Sophie chuckled.
"You know that would hurt." Sophie said as she pointed her pen at Sian who smiled playfully.
"Yeah, I think that's the point. I'd do anything for you no matter how much it hurt." There was a proud expression on her face it made Sophie fall more in love with her all over again, it still amazed her how her love for the blonde grew almost daily.
"You such a charmer Powers."
"That's why you love me, that and my body." She winked and Sophie couldn't fight the blush. They hadn't slept together but they were getting closer and closer to it all the time. It was becoming harder to stop herself.
"Oh and you're cocky I forgot that." Sophie finally spoke although her throat and become dry, she took a gulp of her orange juice to try and get some moisture.
"Are you thinking about me naked?" Sophie chocked on the liquid and tried to cover it with a cough. "Thought so." She laughed and Sophie felt her face burn. "Oi, don't go all embarrassed. I think about you naked all the time." Sian stated trying to ease her girlfriend.
"Can we not talk about this." Sophie said looking down at her text book and therefore could not see Sian frowning at her.
"I'm not trying to push you Soph." Sian was instantly regretting her playful teasing.
"Yeah I know that, it's just hard." Her voice was barely a whisper.
"What's hard?" Sian asked softly.
"Keeping my vow and when you talk like that I just want, well you know." Sian couldn't stop the smile pulling at her mouth and she instantly felt her heart beat quickly. She had been so worried that it was just her who wanted to sleep together, and that perhaps Sophie wasn't interested in her in that way. She had been too scared to approach the subject just in case she was right.
"I know. But there's no rush. I'm not going anywhere. I plan on marrying you one day Sophie Webster."
"What?" Sophie's head shot up so quickly and although Sian felt herself blush at her declaration she didn't retract it.
"You heard me."
"You mean that? About marrying me?" She asked shyly, biting her inner cheek.
"With all my heart." Sophie swallowed hard as she stood up placing her books down on the floor, she reached out her hand to Sian who accepted it. The brunette tugged her upwards from the chair. "Where are we going?" Sian asked confused as Sophie led her back towards the couch she had been previously laying on.
"Over here."
"Why?"
"Because I love you, and one day I plan on saying yes when you propose. So I don't see why we should wait."
"Are you saying…" Sian asked her heart suddenly pounding against her chest with so much force she worried it might break through. Sophie nodded silently they stood facing each other. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. I don't want anyone else. I want my first time to be with you." Sian smiled goofily placed her hands gently on Sophie's waist.
"Hey! Who say's I'm going to be the one proposing?" She joked as Sophie wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's neck before leaning forward and placing a chaste kiss on her lips.
"You're ruining the moment." Sophie said lightly while Sian mimed zipping her lips closed.
"No more talking from me."
"Good." With that she inclined forward until her lips contacted with the blondes again, it was soft and gentle, leisurely they're lips moved against each other. Sian felt Sophie tremble against her and she pulled her closer, trying to ease the brunette's nerves while trying to control her own. Sian pulled back and held Sophie's flushed face between her hands.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." She said slowly, she really was ready, her body was vibrating with desire.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Forever."
~x~x~
Sophie slipped her eyes open and left the memory where it belong in the past. She remembered that night so clearly, how nervous they had been, they had constantly been reassuring each other, shyly telling the other how they liked it like that, 'a bit harder' or 'you can use another.' It wasn't the Hollywood sex scenes you see on movies, there had been awkward moments. There was no bed, no candles or scattered rose petals. But that was fairy tale's and pre-planned events , they had been impulsive and it was so much better than the dreams she'd had about her first time. It was perfect. Her body ached to go back to that time when everything was ideal and they believed that love lasted forever because anything less just wasn't good enough. Back to a time when saying 'I love you' meant everything instead of now when it meant pain.
Half an hour later she finally managed to pull herself out of the bath and she wrapped her robe around herself and walked back to find her empty kitchen. She could smell the food and it made her mouth water. She hated to admit that Sian was right, Sophie hadn't been taking the best care of herself, she didn't eat much and although she washed, it was mostly a quick shower. It felt good to have had half an hour just to relax and she couldn't deny the thought of having Sian outside the door helped with that.
Walking towards the table she picked up the note that had her name scribbled on it in Sian's curled handwriting. 'I'm sorry for interfering. I just want to make sure you're okay. I want to look after you Sophie, I know this will take time. There's no rush I'm not going anywhere. Love always Sian x'
The words on the written page struck a chord as she recalled the memory of their first time together. Clearly Sian had gotten lost in the same memory and it made Sophie smile even though she knew she shouldn't. Her brain told her that she should be angry about everything Sian had done but her heart squealed with joy and Sophie wouldn't deny her heart this moment of pleasure. Because the truth was Sophie knew she wasn't taking care of herself properly, what was the point feeding her body when it already felt dead. So taking the food out of the oven she placed it on the table and began to eat alone…her heart sighed.