AAHHHHHHHHH! My sincerest apologies for taking so long to update this story! D:
Hopefully though the nice long chapter makes up for it!
Not much humor in this one... just a boatload of Thor and Loki bromance feels ;3
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE SONGS! THERE'S LOTS OF SONGS IN THIS CHAPTER AND IN THIS STORY AND I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THEM! They belong to their respective artists, and I mean absolutely no infringement upon anything by including their lyrics. Please don't sue me.
His throat feeling like he'd just swallowed a cheese-grater, Loki absently walked around the band room, playing a few notes on various instruments. He strummed at basses and guitars, poked at the piano, trembled bows across violins and a cello, plucked at a harp.
For some reason it struck him as amusing that Tony Stark would have a harp lying around.
Its sound was gentle and calming, though it did nothing to mollify the voices in Loki's head.
They screamed and yelled and cried in a chaotic din, and when Loki clenched his eyes shut as hard as he could he could see the voices in the darkness like fireworks going off behind his eyes, canon booms and scintillating bursts of sunset-color.
Sometimes they were obscured by all the smoke, but mostly they kept him on the constant verge of getting a headache.
All his conflicting feelings...
Suddenly the band room felt far too crowded and stuffy with just himself, and so he teleported up onto the roof.
He sat there with his legs dangling off the edge, gazing out over the city night, bedazzled by so many lights: the red and white rivers of cars, the red, yellow and green stoplights, the vaguely sun-colored artificial lights that lit up the windows of the skyscrapers like thousands upon thousands of eyes, all of which kept the sky lit such a bright violet shade of night that not one star could be seen through the light pollution.
Down bellow the lone glowing red "A" that was all there was left of the previous "STARK" from the Avenger's battle with the Chitauri, there was a crowd, a long line streaming from the door of Stark Tower. Trick-or-treaters, no doubt.
The din of the city, the angry honking of cars and the bustling of millions of people—it almost, almost drowned out the voices in his head.
Conjuring one of his throwing knives, Loki twirled the blade in his hands, examining the way it cut his reflection and caught the light on its blade.
If he squinted and looked out through his eyelashes, the light ran like blood.
Taking a deep breath of air that stank of asphalt and car exhaust, Loki began singing to himself in a quiet voice, rasping and raw and broken from screaming.
"What would it take, for things to be quiet?
Quiet like the snow.
I know this isn't much but,
I know I could, I could be better."
He smiled wryly down at his pale and restless hands, remembering the way Thor's face had twisted in hurt and betrayal when Loki had stabbed him—the way he'd called Loki 'Brother' and asked him to listen.
But oh, Thor had so much sentiment. And what of it?
The voices in Loki's head screamed, and he shook his head to try and clear it as he continued singing, trying to smother them despite barely being able to bring his shattered voice above a whisper.
"I don't think I deserve it;
selflessness find your way into my heart.
All stars could be brighter.
All hearts could be warmer."
His voice stuttered to a stop, and clenching his eyes shut again he shook his head vehemently, fumbling the blade in his fingers as he started singing a different song.
"I can't feel my senses,
I just feel the cold.
All colors seem to fade away,
I can't reach my soul."
Loki shivered, mouth feeling dry powder.
"I would stop running
If knew there was a chance.
It tears me apart to sacrifice it all,
But I'm forced to let go."
No Loki, Odin had said, and then there was darkness and whirling color and the sensation of falling and blissful silence.
And it had been cold. So cold he'd grown numb (don't let anybody in, he'd told himself, they just want to hurt you).
"Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons, I did it for you
When lies turn into truth, I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?"
Wasn't Thor better off without him anyway? Of course the oaf believed otherwise, and even these foolish mortals believed otherwise, and no matter what he told himself, here he'd managed to find some semblance of happiness.
But oh, that year spent in the void...
At least Thor said he'd mourned, and though he'd no doubt been lying about 'all of them' mourning, Loki at least believed that Thor had.
"I can feel your sorrow
You won't forgive me
But I know, you'll be all right"
Trailing off, Loki managed to open his eyes a sliver, just enough to see his feet swinging over the inconsequential drop of a few thousand feet.
He had no fear of falling—why should he? He wouldn't get more than a few bruises from a drop like that. Loki smiled softly, singing a verse from yet another song.
"Sometimes I wish for falling,
Wish for the release,
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief.
Because falling's not the problem,
When I'm falling I'm in peace,
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief."
Loki clenched his hands on the edge of the roof, nails biting into the strange Midgardian metal as he remembered how utterly hopeless he'd felt there, lying with bones broken on that dark and rocky moon.
And there'd been so much darkness, filling the void and the firmament and his heart, and not even the billions of stars around him could seem to make it any brighter.
He grit his teeth at the memory, wishing he could just claw out of his own mind.
"What would it take for things to be quiet?
Quiet, like the snow.
That we meant to be empty-handed
I know I could, I could be better."
Thor wasn't sure what it was, but suddenly he there's a chill through his chest and he glances up, and far above him he thinks he sees dangling feet.
"Pardon me, friends," he said, handing his share of candy over to the captain. "Do you mind if I leave? I feel..." he strives for a word that can describe the heavy thing in his chest, like fear and sorrow and love and desperation all melted down into an iron ball that had taken the place of his heart. "Unwell," he finished, hoping they understood that he meant mentally and emotionally rather than physically.
And well, the enthusiasm of the fans, whilst usually would invigorate him was currently getting on his nerves.
What cause had they to be happy, when things between he and his brother were so fractured?
Steve regarded the god for a moment with knowing blue eyes, nodding. "Go if you need to," the soldier said kindly. "I'm sure we can distract the fans."
"Ooh, let's play a song!" Tony said excitedly, and the fans within hearing range squee in agreement.
"Yes, play a song!" they grinned eagerly.
"I'll go get the instruments," Tony offered, leaving the others to deal out candy and hugs to the fans while he and Thor go to the elevator.
As Tony gets off at one of the earlier floors, he pats Thor on the floor and offers him a smile before exiting.
Thor continued up to the roof.
When he stepped out to the glass to look over the balcony, Thor saw Loki sitting there on the edge with the wind ruffling his dark hair and tugging at his collared shirt, and Thor moved to open the doors to outside he realized they were open a crack, and cool night air and Loki's raw voice drifted through.
Thor paused, listening.
"What would it take for things to be quiet?
Quiet, like the snow.
That we meant to be empty-handed
I know I could, I could be better," Loki sang, and Thor felt his heart clench painfully in his chest.
"I don't think I deserve it;
selflessness find your way into my heart.
All stars could be brighter.
All hearts could be warmer."
If Loki hadn't had his back to Thor, the thunderer would have seen a tears trickle their way down Loki's sharp cheekbones before he blinked them away hastily and wiped his face with a hand as he began singing another song.
"What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am,
I never meant to be so cold," Loki sang, looking down and slumping his shoulders slightly, a stark difference to his usually ramrod straight posture, or else casual cat-like sprawling the way he'd sit on the couch or in chairs, like they were some sort of throne.
But it seemed Loki had let his cloak of pride fall from his shoulders for a moment, or else he was finally showing the weight of the world's hatred on his shoulders.
"I never meant to be so cold," Loki sang again.
"I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep.
It always seems to get to me,
I never really wanted you to go,
So many things you should have known.
I guess for me theres just no hope;
I never meant to be so cold."
And then Loki lifted his head, turning his neck to look at something over his shoulder, lips twisted in some sort of sad, sarcastic smile, changing songs as Thor wondered if he was noticed—yet Loki's green eyes didn't flicker over to him and the mischief god gave no indication that he knew he was being watched, and so Thor just held his breath and kept listening.
"Everybody lies, lies, lies.
It's the only truth sometimes.
Doesn't matter if it's out there somewhere waiting for the world to find.
Or buried deep inside. Everybody lies."
Thor didn't move a muscle as Loki brought one leg up in a triangle on the roof while the other still dangled, tracing something on the concrete with a long, pale finger.
And Thor can't help but realize that everybody—himself included—always accuse Loki of lying, as if it was some crime, while they all do it themselves, without knowing sometimes, and maybe Loki didn't know sometimes either.
And well, Odin had lied to Loki for his entire life about his heritage, so who really should claim the title God of Lies, when compared to that deceit Loki's were but trifling and harmless?
"Just being honest, we're playing for both sides.
It's easy to deceive but it's hard when the trust that's broken is mine.
For better, or for worse, for the happy, for the hurt."
For some reason, Thor wondered to himself if Loki knew how many fans were down on the ground, dressed up like the mischief god and asking to hug him.
But Loki was still singing, and Thor wondered, not for the first time, what emotional pain Loki had been harboring for all those thousands of years; of what went on in that crazy head of his brother's.
"Everybody lies, lies, lies.
It's the only truth sometimes.
Doesn't matter if it's out there somewhere waiting for the world to find.
Or buried deep inside. Yeah, everybody lies."
And with that Loki looked up, as if scouring the sky for Asgard, chuckling dryly to himself before he started singing again.
"I did my best to please you,
But my best was never good enough.
Somehow you're only able to see
All I am not."
His already wrecked voice cracked further, and he let himself lean back on his elbows, slowly lowering himself to lie down, hands behind his head as he brings his dangling leg up so that he was fully on the balcony of the tower.
"Did you ever look behind?
Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find?
I have failed you,
But you have failed me too," Loki sang, still not looking Thor's direction, and the thunderer closed his eyes and lets his head drop in shame.
It could very well be Loki meant Odin, but Thor knew he wasn't blameless either for the way he used to treat Loki.
Loki's voice was so soft now that Thor had to strain to hear it
"It's so easy to destroy and condemn
The ones you do not understand.
Do you ever wonder if it's justified?
It's so easy to destroy and condemn
The ones you do not understand.
In your life, why didn't you ever try?"
Thor could feel Loki's anger, towards him, towards Odin, towards all of Asgard, simmering in that rasping, broken voice as the dark god pushed himself to his feet and stared right at Thor, smiling turning once more dangerous and razor-edged.
And Thor couldn't help but start, realizing Loki probably knew he was there the entire time.
"I'm not the same as yesterday
Ooh...It's hard to explain
How things have changed," Loki sang, staring at Thor through the glass.
Though Thor was pretty sure Loki kept changing songs, it was hard to tell when it was just Loki's voice, and he changed all the songs slightly to his own tempo so that they sounded almost like they blended together.
"But I'm not the same as before
And I know there's so much more ahead ,
I can barely believe that I'm here,
And I won't surrender quietly.
Step up and watch me go."
Finally gathering his courage Thor pulled the glass doors open enough to step outside, letting the cold, city-stinking air wash over him.
He stepped towards Loki and opened his mouth to speak but Loki held up a hand to stop him and continued to sing.
"I feel shook
Everytime I close my eyes and travel into the place in the back of my mind,
It's a place where memories hide and my thoughts combine,
I see places and thousands of faces all at the same time," Loki sang, his voice stronger but still rasping, his eyes demanding if Thor could possibly understand what that feels like.
Thor didn't.
"Now look,
Everybody close your eyes and travel into the place in the back of your mind,
And now run into the place you're afraid to climb,
That's where you'll find me.
You'll always be two steps behind me."
"I know it," Thor said, stepping forward and grabbing Loki's arm before the younger god can teleport away or jump off the building or something.
And then Thor started singing, and compared to Volstagg the thunderer can actually hold a tune. In fact, he wasn't even thundering—his voice was soft, gentle, careful, like a lullaby to a crying child.
"Oh brother I can't, I can't get through.
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do.
Oh brother I can't believe it's true,
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you," Thor sang, and there was nothing but sincerity in his voice, sincere love in all its brutality and though Loki tried to break away, albeit halfheartedly, Thor wouldn't let him go.
"Oh I wanna talk to you.
You can take a picture of something you see,
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun,
Or write a song nobody has sung,
Or do something that's never been done."
Loki froze as he stared into Thor's face, and he can actually recognize Frigga there—Thor may have Odin's strong and warrior-like visage, but his loving heart and emotional blue eyes were Frigga's, along with that expression that screamed: listen to me.
"Are you lost or incomplete?" Thor asked, and though Loki wanted to bite out, "Why would you care?" he can't because he knew what Thor's answer would be.
He knew that Thor would say: "Because I love you."
And Loki wouldn't be able call him a liar for that voicing that sentiment, no matter how much he might want to.
"Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?" Thor sang, eyes beseeching.
Loki sighed.
And well damn if these mortals—these humans—didn't understand emotions like Asgardians never could. They were all such conflicted creatures and it showed in their world's music; Midgard's music, all the songs that kept swirling around in his mind.
He lifted his green eyes to meet Thor's, guarded but desperate.
What if I told you,
Thats its just a front
To hide the insecurities I have?
What if I told you,
That I'm not as strong
As I like to make believe I am?
"You can tell me," Thor said, squeezing Loki's shoulder. "I'll listen. I know I've been far less than the brother I should be, but I want to change, Loki. I'll listen, I promise."
"But would you understand?" Loki asked, lips quirking dubiously as lyrics played in his mind just behind his tongue, tasting of burning dust.
Theres so much I want to say,
But I'm so scared to give away
Every little secret that I hide behind.
Would you see me differently?
And would that be such a bad thing?
I wonder what it would be like
If I told you...
"Maybe not," Thor conceded, before continuing before Loki could pull away in contempt. "But I'll try. That's all we can ask of each other, isn't it? Just... please," Thor whispered, his own voice cracking, and Loki realized that perhaps he wasn't the only one who kept getting his heart broken each time he pushed away. "Please Loki, can't we try to make this better?"
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Loki took a deep breath, dropping his gaze from Thor's and shrugging off the thunderer's grip and walking a few paces away, keeping his back to his brother as he started singing.
"When I was a young boy
I was honest and I had more self control,
If I was tempted I would
Run.
Then when I got older I began to lie to get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it,
And I wanted it.
Now I'm having trouble differentiating between what I want and what I need to make me
Happy,
So instead of thinking I just act before I have a chance to contemplate the consequence of
Action."
A blade glinted cruelly in Loki's hands, and he regarded at it as if he was tempted, oh so tempted to use it.
At least Thor was giving him enough space that he felt he could breathe without choking on the thunder god's golden aura, yet not so far that he couldn't feel its warmth on his icy skin.
"And I will turn off,
And I will shut down,
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground.
And I will turn off,
And I will shut down,
The chemicals are restless in my head."
Loki still couldn't look at his brother as he sang. If he'd been lying it would have been so easy to look Thor in the eyes—to look Thor in the eyes and smile.
But these words, these lyrics to some Midgardian song, were more truth to him than almost everything he'd said since Thor's coronation.
"Cause I lie,
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to all the time (need to all the time).
Yeah I lie,
And I don't even know it,
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed design."
Lies were so easy for him, spinning from his silver tongue as naturally as breath. He could hide behind him like a cloak, defend himself with them like a shield, attack with them like a blade.
And lies, they required almost no thought, while the truth required an level of introspection that Loki shied from like shadows from light.
After all, weren't shadows always hiding behind something so that the light couldn't touch them? And didn't that make them cowards?
But oh, Loki had grown up a Prince; ever had he been expected to be perfect, to uphold Odin's name, to live up to his golden, perfect Brother, who had raised the bar high, high above Loki's reach, to far for him to touch no matter how he jumped.
"And ever since I figured out that I could control other people
I've had trouble sleeping with both
Eyes closed.
And if I ask permission if I make sure it's okay I promise I won't slip up this time you can
Trust me.
But never take advice from someone who just admitted to being devious and just confessed to
Treason .
And I would also never ask a question that I cannot ask myself for it might dirty up your
Conscience."
Mischief had always been Loki's hobby, but trickery and deceit had been more than a pastime—they'd been a last resort, a necessity. Loki had learned the hard way that nobody ever gave him what he wanted if he asked; he had to work for it.
And when nobody would relinquish it? Well, it wasn't 'honest work', but Loki had found ways to manipulate people to do what he wanted, and prided himself in subtlety, in getting what he wanted without anybody ever figuring out he'd gotten it.
What else could he do? He'd wanted Odin to see that Thor wasn't ready to be King, and so he'd let the Frost Giants into Asgard to ruin the coronation. He'd wanted Thor to charge off without thinking and for Odin to see how foolish the thunderer was.
He'd wanted to know the truth, and no matter how much it hurt he never wished he'd never found out.
And oh, he'd wanted attention, to be seen and acknowledge. And trying to take over Midgard had sure gotten him attention.
Loki regretted nothing.
"Cause I lie,
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to all the time (need to all the time).
Yeah I lie
And I don't even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my (flawed design)"
Why couldn't Thor see? Why couldn't Thor see that Loki was not the perfect little brother the thunderer wanted.
Thor wanted honesty. Thor wanted love. Thor wanted Loki to be good.
But that was the problem—Loki wasn't good. He just wasn't.
It was in his nature to delight in mischief and chaos, to probe and pry and poke till he got an enraged reaction. He unraveled the ball of people's emotions and thoughts till they were a tangled string that he could play with.
(Thanos could certainly vouch for how insufferably annoying Loki could be. And well, Loki might have pushed the titan a little too much, he admitted to himself with a wince at the memory of the titan's retaliation. But Loki had still gotten what he wanted from that alliance, and that was all that really mattered.)
And honesty—well, honesty was dangerous. Loki was a master in manipulation; he knew how little it took to turn people against themselves, to take their honesty and use it against him. So could he really be blamed for hiding behind lies?
If all he gave were lies, then every time somebody tried to use his words against him they would find that what they thought had been a blade merely crumbled to dust in their hands.
And yet, when Loki did offer truth, people discarded it, threw it down and stepped on it.
He could still hear Thor's voice saying, "So you take the world I love in recompense for your imagined slights?!"
Loki shook his head as he continued singing, remembering all those times Thor had wolfed down his lies and then damned his truths.
"And how can you say those things why can't you just believe?
And how can you say those things and keep a straight face?
And how can you say those things why can't we just believe?
And how can you say those things and keep a straight face?"
He could feel Thor's gaze on the back of his neck, and he smiled wryly to himself with the knowledge that Thor was probably wondering the same thing about him.
"And I will turn off,
And I will shut down,
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground.
And I will turn off,
And I will shut down,
The chemicals are restless in my head."
Oh but they were restless, running Loki closer and closer to the edge as he tried to flee all those burning, churning emotions that raged inside of him like a firestorm.
Chasing him closer and closer to the darkness the void had left simmering in his chest, a blackhole he knew he couldn't fall into as he'd never be able to resist the tug of its gravity and it would drag him further and further into insanity.
"Cause I lie,
Not because I want to,
But I seem to need to all the time (need to all the time).
Yeah I lie,
And I don't even know it.
Maybe this is all a part of my (flawed design)."
Finally, finally, Loki turned to his brother, singing the last verse with his eyes boring into Thor's, trying to exhume every one of the thunderer's thoughts and feelings for him, trying to find any hint of hatred or doubt or anger.
"Cause I lie,
And if I could control it
Maybe I could leave it all behind (leave it all behind).
Yeah I lie,
And I don't even know it,
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed design."
There was a feeling in Loki's chest when he found nothing in Thor's expression except for care and a scrabbling confusion as he tried to make sense of what Loki was trying to tell him—it felt syrupy like disappointment, but it was lighter, like somebody had pulled off a blanket that had been suffocating him.
There was a long pause, and when Thor seemed unable or unwilling to fill it, Loki turned away, striding to the roof and standing there with his toes just off the edge of the building.
By now he felt like every word was another wound, like somebody kept sanding away the flesh of his throat and had frayed his vocal chords to the point where they felt like they would snap at any moment.
But the silence was filled with the voices in his mind, and they would shut the fuck up.
And for some reason singing seemed to settle his thoughts down.
"When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold,
"When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all,
And the blood's run stale."
Memories of Asgard rose unbidden in Thor's mind as his brother sang in that voice that usually cut as sharp and smooth as a knife but was now sounded jagged and rough as the cutting of a saw.
For almost his entire life, Asgard had seemed perfect—bright and golden and eternal, untouchable on the top of the world.
And the coronation had happened, and he had been banished, and Loki...
And Loki fell. And it turned out Odin had lied. Had lied to Loki, had lied to Thor; though while Loki felt the lie demolish the foundations beneath his feet and toss him into the cold, cruel waters that screamed he didn't belong, Thor had felt the truth only in the fissures that opened between them.
But as far as his brother was concerned, Thor felt that that lie had long ago turned to truth, perhaps when nobody was looking—Loki may not have been born his brother, but Loki became his brother.
During the time he'd thought Loki dead, the shine of Asgard had worn off before his eyes, and suddenly the laughter was no longer kind but mocking, the shadows were no longer trifling but threatening, and politics were no longer boring but daunting.
"I wanna hide the truth,
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide.
"No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed,
This is my kingdom come,
This is my kingdom come."
It was almost funny, Thor thought. Loki fit in so well amongst the mortals, as they seemed to easily understand him in a way that not even Thor nor Frigga ever could.
Thor knew Loki was afraid—afraid that Thor would hate him, that Thor would leave him. But Thor was starting to understand that he'd never really known Loki before; he'd never taken the time, never shown the interest.
But Loki had let go of that desire to please Odin and Asgard, that desperate attempt to become like the 'golden prince', and however much Thor wanted his little brother 'back', he was realizing that things would never, could never, be the same between them.
And that perhaps it was better that way.
This was a new start for them, a chance to change for the better.
"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide.
Don't get too close,
It's dark inside,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide."
Loki had gone back to not looking at Thor, keeping his gaze pinned on the teeming streets below them, standing steady and still, not waving the slightest bit from vertigo.
And oh, Thor wished that he could see Loki's eyes now.
Loki's eyes had ever been the most expressive part of the younger god, often times the only expressive part of his expression, the shade of green or the tightness of the skin around those eyes the only clue in Loki's stoic face that he was feeling anything.
Thor had never been that adept at reading people, and especially not Loki. Though after thousands of years living together Thor had learned some, had learned to recognize fear in the slight widening and darkening of those eyes, to recognize anger in the subtle narrowing and flare of bright green in those eyes.
He thought sometimes he even recognized love in the softening of their glaring intensity.
Thor wondered what he'd see in those emerald depths if he could see Loki's eyes now, wondered what demons they teemed with.
"Curtain's call
Is the last of all,
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl.
"So they dug your grave,
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made.
"Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound,
Though this is all for you,
Don't wanna hide the truth."
Now Loki turned to Thor, and he was smiling in a way that was not at all a smile, and looking at him in a way that was not at all looking but seeing.
And with the angle of the city lights coming from everywhere, all Thor could see in Loki's eyes was his own reflection surrounded by the twinkling of Midgard's artificial stars.
But beneath the surface, those eyes swam with shadows, shadows of graves that keep getting deeper, shadows that fluttered desperately with the broken wings of mistakes, shadows that darkened with every second that counted down towards the end.
I can't change, those eyes seemed to say.
"No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed,
This is my kingdom come,
This is my kingdom come.
"When you feel my heat,
Look into my eyes,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide.
Don't get too close,
It's dark inside,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide.
"They say it's what you make,
I say it's up to fate,
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go."
But we can—we can change, Thor ached to say. We can.
Let me help you.
"Your eyes, they shine so bright,
I wanna save that light,
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how."
And that was all the permission Thor needed.
Two strides and Thor was standing before his brother, gathering him into his arms and holding him as Loki continued whispering into Thor's ear, his breath cold as the autumn wind that dance gold, crimson and flaming leaves skittering and crackling down the hard expanses of streets.
"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide.
Don't get too close,
It's dark inside,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide."
Loki was shivering now, his legs shaking as if any moment they would collapse from under him, and so Thor guided his brother inside and over to the couch, grabbing a blanket which he spread over Loki and himself as he sat down.
Fingers threading through raven-black hair, Thor begins singing softly in his deep voice as Loki lets himself curl up next to Thor, head on his chest so that he could feel the vibrations in Thor's chest as he sang.
"We made ourselves home out of our dreams,
Brought with us this love now bittersweet.
Maybe I could say now that I always thought of you,
How you run to walk with me whole life through."
Always, for as long as Thor could remember, Loki had been with him, beside him or just behind him, always wanting to be with him in their youth.
Even later when Loki closed himself off, he would still get this huge smile whenever Thor invited him along.
So much had changed. Loki was no longer that little boy, and Thor was no longer so blind to the fact that Loki had ever been his shadow.
Loki had said that all he'd ever wanted was to be Thor's equal.
And now that was all Thor wanted too—for Loki to see himself as his equal and no longer feel himself inferior despite his differences.
"And I know we go deeper than skin but what lies within,
It's still deeper than we know."
Loki nuzzled closer, and Thor smiled softly as he rubbed circles into Loki's back, though it turned slightly into a frown at the prominence of Loki's ribs and spine through his skin and shirt.
"And for all this pantomime
You should see the state I'm in,
I couldn't heal myself with time alone,
I have you tattooed on my skin."
His friends in Asgard had all tried to cheer Thor up during that year after Loki fell, though they never quite could, and Thor couldn't explain to them how empty he felt.
So many nights he'd been left wondering what he was without Loki. There hadn't been a moment when the weight of his brother's loss hadn't weighed upon him—Thor couldn't even look in the mirror, couldn't even glance down at his hands, for all the scars that covered his skin and how many of them had been Loki's fault.
Sometimes from Loki striking him, sometimes from adventures taken with his brother, sometimes the mark of an injury that could have been lethally worse had Loki not done something to save him.
And always had Thor gotten the credit for everything that had gone right and Loki been landed with the blame of everything that gone wrong, and it hurt Thor to think about how much self-loathing Loki seemed to have accumulated.
Though others may have had doubts about Loki, Thor had always known that Loki was one of the kindest, most sensitive souls he'd ever known.
Loki was no monster.
"Come into focus,
Step out of the shadows,
It's a losing battle,
There's no need to be ashamed."
Thor sang, switching to a different song.
"Cause they don't even know you,
All they see is scars,
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart."
Shifting so that he could see Thor's face, Loki looked at him with childishly widened green eyes, brimming with so much fear and confusion and disbelief and hope that Thor heard his voice crack along with his heart.
"Let them find the real you,
Buried deep within,
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin."
Loki pulled the blanket tighter around himself, shaking.
All of Asgard was highly prejudiced against Jotuns, believing them callous monsters, cruel and bloodthirsty, the stuff of nightmares. Thor and Loki had grown up hearing the stories, had grown up believing them.
And so for Loki to see his skin turn blue, to see that there was a reason he'd always been different and looked down upon, sometimes even hated...
"When they start to judge you,
Show them your true colors,
And do onto others
As you'd have done to you."
Thor wanted so desperately for Loki to believe him—to believe that him being a Jotun changed nothing between them, that him being a Jotun changed nothing about who we was.
And he remembers one time when Frigga had overheard their history tutor teaching them that Jotuns were monsters, how the Queen had strode into the room in chillingly bridled fury and told the teacher off for teaching her children such stupidly blind ideas.
Thor remembers Frigga saying "Monsters aren't born—they're made."
And Thor didn't want Loki to become a monster, to think that he should have to, or even to feel like he should need to.
"Just rise above this,
Kill them with your kindness,
Ignorance is blindness,
They're the ones that stand to lose."
Loki was still watching him with that broken expression, and Thor smiled at him, trying to emanate his love through every fiber of his being, his belief that Loki is and could be good if he wanted to, that Loki shouldn't have to suffer, that it's the bane of everybody else for doubting Loki and ever thinking the worst of him.
"'Cause they don't even know you,
All they see is scars,
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart.
"Let them find the real you,
Buried deep within,
Let them know with all you got
That you are not your skin."
"Why?" Loki breathed, fingers knotting desperately in Thor's shirt. Why, despite everything, do you still believe in me?
Leaning down, Thor kissed the top of Loki's head, before answering, "Because I love you, Brother. And They don't know you like I know you."
A murmured word: "Sentiment."
Thor just shook his head, beginning to sing again.
"There's a storm on the streets, but you still don't run
Watching and waiting for the rain to come.
And these words wouldn't keep you dry
Or wipe tears from an open sky,
But I know, but I know, but I know I'm right."
Outside it starts sprinkling lightly.
At first Loki tense at Thor's words, moving to get up, but Thor's arms were strong and Thor was warm and made a good pillow, and Loki feels suddenly weary; weary of running, weary of fighting, weary of hating, wearing of trying.
"And I won't let you drown, when the water's pulling you in
I'll keep fighting, I'll keep fighting.
The rain's going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning-
I see lightning-"
Thor's deep voice was still so strangely gentle, soothing and sad and hopeful like a lullaby, and Loki let his eyes close, let his head rest on Thor's chest, the thunderer smelling of some strange Midgardian cologne he'd been trying out, though Loki could still smell the familiar scents of sweat and thunderstorm that was Thor.
And Thor's hand was still rubbing circles rhythmically against his back, massaging all the places he knew Loki liked best, and Loki, despite his better judgment, allowed himself to fully relax.
"When the World surrounds you, I'll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining.
I will try to save you, cover up the gray
With silver lining."
It was Thor's duty to protect his younger brother—not only his duty, but his desire. He'd promised Loki.
So many times, ever since they'd been children, Thor had promised his little brother that he would be there to protect him.
He'd already failed epically. He wasn't about to fail again.
"Now there's no way back from the things you've done
I know it's too late to stop the setting sun.
You see the shadows in the distant light,
And it's never going to be alright
And you know, and you know, and you know I'm right."
Fate had doomed the both of them. The Norns' prophecies spelled out for their future hatred and war and Ragnarok.
But that didn't mean Thor was just going to give up. Giving up wasn't in his nature.
And like Frigga had told them long ago: Fate wasn't inevitable, it wasn't even visions from the future. It was only the most likely possibility.
But well, Thor had fought against insurmountable odds countless times in his long life, and if he could just reach through to Loki...
Then they could change that Fate. They could do it.
Together.
"And I won't get left behind, when the walls come tumbling in
I'll keep climbing, I'll keep climbing
The rain's going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning-
I see lightning-"
Loki's breathing evened out, and glancing down Thor saw that his little brother had fallen against him, those thin lips parted only slightly, making not a sound as he breathed.
His pale face looked tranquil, unblemished by worry lines from the weight of the world, and Thor wondered to himself suddenly when the last time he'd ever seen Loki so peaceful was.
Smiling fondly, Thor continued to stroke his brother's hair as he finished the song.
"When the World surrounds you, I'll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining
I will try to save you, cover up the gray
With silver lining."
Yes, Thor sings. Get over it :P
Mwah... I had some fun with this chapter... again, crack is kind of my sister's thing, and she totally abandoned me on this story, so now it's mine and so it's taking on a more feelz-y feel ;P Also, so many song requests! And all the Thor and Loki songs are totally feelz-y ;3 And as you can see I tried to include like a ton in this chapter.
Here's the song list, from the beginning of the chapter to the end, respectfully:
"Louder Than Thunder" by The Devil Wears Prada
"Frozen" by Within Temptation
"Falling" by Florence + The Machine
"Louder Than Thunder" by The Devil Wears Prada (yes, again)
"Cold" by Crossfade
"Everybody Lies" by Jason Walker
"Destroyed" by Within Temptation
"E For Extinction" by Thousand Foot Krutch
"Shook" by Thousand Foot Krutch
"Talk" by Coldplay
"What If I Told You" by Jason Walker
"Flawed Design" by Stabilo (I swear, this song was like written for Loki omg it's so perfect!)
"Demons" by Imagine Dragons
"Skin" by Poets Of The Fall
"Skin" by Sixx:AM
"Silver Lining" by Hurts
And that's it! If you have any comments or song suggestions, I'd love to hear them! ^.^