I got this up as sooon as I could, I really did. Did I tell you guys I really really appreciate your reviews? If not, then *grins widely* thanks a bunch (: Not much action in this chapter, but I think we've had enough of that for a while, right? Chapter title and lyrics by Mayday Parade.

Chapter 24: Miserable At Best

I can live without you, but
without you I'll be miserable at best…

Lilly arrived back at the hotel, tossing her keys on the table somewhere and heading straight for the bathroom. Along the way, she tried to rub some heat back into her shivering arms. She'd forgotten that Scotty had given Nick the keys to the only car when he took off with the Feds, which left her to walk the five blocks back to their hotel. It wasn't long, but it was cold, and that cold had settled deep into her bones. A moment later, she was running the tap with hot water, savoring its feel on her frozen fingertips and her numb cheeks.

When Lilly finally looked up, she almost didn't recognize the person staring back in the mirror. The past twenty four hours had obviously taken a lot out of her. The nearly sleepless night was nothing new, though it sure didn't help, and it was probably responsible for most of the rings under her eyes. She was used to covering those in her pre-Scotty days. But it was more than lack of sleep that put the empty look in her blue orbs and the pale, almost translucent hue in her face. Lilly leaned heavily against the sink, her fingers clenched around the rim. She would never admit it to anyone, but it was costing her everything just to breathe in and out, and in and out, and in and out…

Ignore it Rush. A little voice in her head was telling her to disregard the acute pain in her heart. It would go away with time, it always did. People loved her, and eventually left her, and it always hurt… but only for a little while. Lilly had learned, after bruising up her heart time and time again, that there came a point when the angry purple spot dulled to something almost forgotten. Still painful when prodded, but almost forgotten. And some days if she worked really hard, it would be completely forgotten.

That's what she had to do now, Lilly realized with a sinking heart, just forget. She cringed a little at the harshness of her own thoughts. Because like it or not, Lilly never forgot. She worked cold cases for God's sake, she was meant to dredge up the past, to flip stones and dig holes until she got to the bottom of things, until she got to give a family some peace… Kind of inconvenient when all she wanted to do about her own life was forget it ever happened.

Oh, the irony. Lilly mused as she finally gathered enough strength to push herself away from the bathroom sink and into the small room. She almost started with surprise when she realized that it wasn't her own room she was walking back into. It was always her room when the walls were closing in around her, the sanctuary of her own home. Well, this is new.

Suddenly, Lilly was at a loss as to what to do. She flicked on the small TV, sitting at the edge of her bed and flipping through the channels for a few minutes, and then tossed the remote to the side. She hadn't noticed how barren the walls were in here the first time, or how the toned down colors just seemed to add to the overall melancholy. Now, she supposed, it left nothing to do but think on the events of that day.

And to her chagrin, her thoughts went immediately to the fateful exchange with Scotty she was hoping to put off.

I love you.

Lilly winced, knowing that whatever amazing thing had happened between her and Scotty in the last month was over. There was no way they could go on with him feeling like that about her, or claiming to anyway. Lilly seriously doubted he could really, truly be in love with her. Who did that? Fell in love in a matter of weeks? And if there did exist people like that, they weren't good for her. No. The more likely possibility was that Scotty had confused being infatuated with being in love. Understandable, since Lilly knew this was the longest relationship he'd been in since Elisa.

But the point was it didn't matter. If he didn't really love her, then she was doing the right thing. Walking away, her heart, for the most part, unscathed, was the best thing to do for both of them. Sure, he'd be hurt at first, that she'd took off at his claim to love her, but he would be okay. He would recover. After Elisa, there was absolutely nothing he couldn't recover from. And in the long run, he would realize that he didn't really love his partner all that time ago, and what a relief it was that he didn't get entangled. In a few weeks, or at most a few months, there'd be a new woman by his side, and he'd put that smile back on his face as his life went on as planned.

For her, it meant reverting back to her old ways of takeout for one and her cats for company. Lonely, Lilly sighed, as she swiped her bangs away from her eyes. But still, okay. Just like he would be, she would learn to be okay. Accept the fact that he didn't love her, and she didn't love him, that their short fling was over. No new Scotty Scar alongside the Patrick, Joseph, Christina, Mom ones. If he didn't really love her, than it really was for the best that he'd gone and said that today, and that it'd affected Lilly as though she'd been slapped out of a dream.

Because over the past month, Lilly found herself constantly aching for his presence. It was as if she was the teenager she never got to be. Breaking the rules that had long been chiseled in stone, dating the one person who was all kinds of wrong, but all kinds of right at the same time. Being wild, taking a chance, stretching her long rusted wings to take a test flight, so to speak, and finding that she could still fly. It had been amazing, Lilly realized, to be up in the air again, and for all the crap that had piled up over the years to disappear under the radar for once. It was freeing. Scotty was the gust of wind, soft but infuriatingly insistent, that had pushed her off the precipice she'd been teetering on and off for years. Together, they'd soared to heights the likes of which Lilly had never seen, and she'd never ever felt like that before.

But that was then. That was before Scotty said he loved her and Lilly realized what she doing. Those three little words had brought her careening back to earth. Putting her job, and her life as she knew it at risk. If word got out about them, there was no telling what would happen. The guidelines and regulations they had chosen to ignore would become painfully clear, and there was a good chance one or both of them could lose their jobs. That was unacceptable.

Lilly knew, from years of experience, who she was. That night years ago, when she'd stood in a dark attic with George Marks, pointing a gun and trying to convince herself that she could shoot him without becoming like him. When he'd told her everyone eventually fades away from her, and that she was alone… Lilly hadn't shown it then. She remembered facing her colleagues, seeing the worried looks on their faces and walking right past them, never allowing her eyes to drop to the ground, or her shoulders to slump with the defeat and exhaustion she'd felt.

When she got home that night, she'd sat on her window ledge in an almost paralyzed state, watching the wind gust outside, pushing around the dust that never seemed to settle, just as it was in the recesses of her mind. Sometime before dawn she'd decided exactly what she was made up of. And that morning, she'd gone to work with a renewed determination, knowing it was all that kept the pain, fear, and loneliness inside her; all that kept her going; her lifeline; her tether.

Lilly reasoned that it was probably her job that had gotten her through the next couple of years, and what a couple of years they'd been - not in a good way, either. There was Joseph, and Ray coming back, which had somehow twisted itself into one giant mess. Then her mother, and getting shot. She shivered a little, not wanting to go into those memories. All in all, when Scotty came along with his wide eyes and hopeful, cocky smile, Lilly had all but jumped right in, figuring a little good would be a nice change. A whole month later, here she was, back where she started. Stuck.

Because she couldn't love him. She just couldn't. Sex and a cute little 'relationship' as he liked to call it. That was acceptable. That was safe. That was still in cut-and-run-if-necessary territory. Even the words she'd accidently uttered in the car last night, them in the long run, that was something she could deal with. But love? That was a whole other ball game, and Lilly knew, with a sinking heart, that it wasn't her ball game. Not now. Not again. Not ever.

Suddenly annoyed with the path her thoughts had chosen to take, Lilly leapt from the bed and lowered herself down next to her overnight bag. Some comfortable clothes, that's all she would need, that and maybe some food, to start feeling normal again. This… this thinking on things that were over and done with, it wasn't her, and she found she didn't like it at all. It was done. Scotty was just another guy. And if they could both get out of this, friendship and partnership intact, personnel files free from 'Affair with Partner' stamped in with accusatory red ink, then it would all be for the best. Doing her best to convince herself of what her brain so desperately wanted, Lilly retrieved a cotton long sleeve t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

The fabric seemed inviting somehow, and she pressed the warm, soft cotton into her face, inhaling deeply. It smelled like a curious combination of her home, her cats, and… Lilly stumbled backward, the harmless article of clothing twisting like an unwanted paper airplane in her hands as they clenched. Like Scotty. Even her favorite fucking sweatpants smelled like Scotty. They smelled like lounging around on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon, cuddling together with her cats; they smelled like impulsively smearing pancake batter on his face that morning, when they kept burning and he kept laughing; they smelled like rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and finding him right in front of her, kissing her.

For the first time that afternoon, Lilly felt the pressure of tears behind her eyes grow alarmingly strong as a lump swelled in the back of her throat. She forced the feeling down once again, just like she always did. It always worked. Just slow down, take a deep breath, and remember. You are Detective Lilly Rush. You're tough, a fighter. You can do this. You don't need him.

You're Lilly. Rush. Lone wolf cop.

The anger, frustration, and pain so raw it startled her rose up and Lilly flung the offending article of clothing at the bathroom door, watching as it sailed much too slowly through the air, met cold wood and dropped harmlessly to the floor. With a quiet gasp, she followed suit, closing her eyes and sitting down heavily on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest. Against her will, she felt a tear roll down her face, and didn't bother to turn around and anxiously check to make sure the door was locked. Still, instinct told her to purse her lips together, stifling the quiet sobs.

She was so caught up in her own little spiraling world, and trying to keep it all silent, that when the jangle of her cell phone pierced the air around her she jumped visibly. Lilly took a deep breath, trying to keep the tears out of her voice. When she felt up to it, well as much as she could be, she reached for the cell phone clipped on her belt and glanced at the caller ID. She was too confused, upon seeing the name. She had to answer the phone.

"Alex?" Lilly asked. She hoped the waver in her voice wouldn't be too obvious, and when her neighbor went on as though she didn't know she'd been crying, Lilly breathed a soft sigh of relief.

"Lil!" Cried an exuberant, though slightly annoyed, voice, managing to be giddy even from 5 hours away on crappy cell phone reception. "Where the hell you been, girl?"

Lilly frowned. "I'm, uh," In some dingy little hotel room wondering why the hell I'm such a screw up. "Not at home."

She heard a derisive snort and couldn't help the small smile that appeared on her lips. It was definitely her neighbor all right. "Yeah, I got that much sweetie. Liv and three legged one need feeding you know?"

"Oh my God!" Lilly almost slapped a palm to her forehead. How could she have been so stupid? To go away for a few days without even dropping a line for her neighbor to drop by and fill the food bowls every once and a while? She stumbled a bit over her next words. "I- Are they- the girls, did you?"

She laughed, and Lilly slumped in relief. "I got your back." She said.

Hearing her neighbor's kind reassuring voice made tears well up in Lilly's eyes again. Here was a complete stranger, who had no idea of the mess she was in, being so nice to her. Why hadn't she ever thanked her for all she does? "Thanks." Lilly mumbled.

Of course, instead of accepting the gratitude and moving on, Alexandra Gilden had to make things difficult for her. "You should thank me," She said, mock seriousness bleeding into her voice. "The white one stared at me again, seriously, don't know how you and Liv put up with her."

"Hey." Lilly protested weakly, glad for some semblance of normal in what could count among the most confusion days of her life. "Her name is Tripod, and she likes some people." Not her best retort ever, she had to admit.

"Yeah, like who?"

Lilly fell silent again, knowing she could only conjure up one person in mind's eye. Scotty Freaking Valens. The snowy white, three legged cat purred for Scotty, and no one else. The realization only brought their exchange from earlier that day back to the forefront of her mind, and Lilly let out of a small sniffle.

"What is it, Lil?" Her neighbor asked immediately. Damn, she should be the detective, not me. Lilly thought immediately. "Tell me." Alex commanded quietly, and even over the phone, Lilly knew she wouldn't lie. She didn't have it in her.

"Long day." She said truthfully, rubbing her forehead in exhaustion. "Long," She repeated for emphasis. "day."

"Oh." And then she knew to pause just long enough for Lilly to gather her thoughts and continue.

"And I want to go home." Lilly felt, rather than heard herself whispering. She wondered if Alex heard her, and a few seconds later she knew she had.

"What's stopping you?" She asked brightly. "Hop a plane and get out of whatever dirt town you're in 'cause I think it's messing with your head." The words caught in Lilly's throat, but it didn't matter much because Alex seemed to understand with a small 'oh' of surprise. "It's that guy isn't it?"

Lilly started. "What guy?" She stammered slightly.

"The one from a month ago, all nervous to ask me to let him in your house and trying to keep what you kids got going a secret." Her reply brought back memories of Scotty going out of his way to change her curtains, blaming himself so much about her getting shot that there was a still a fist sized dent on the end of her bed. And Lilly's lower lip quivered as she answered.

"Yeah, him."

"What's up about him?" Alex asked immediately, as though they were having a perfectly normal conversation about the weather, or a sports game, as though Lilly hadn't just ended the best thing that had happened to her in a long time.

"It's complicated." She replied shortly.

"Actually, it ain't complicated at all. He do something to hurt you?" She inquired.

Lilly paused for a brief minute. She was definitely hurt, but that was more her fault for bolting that Scotty's for saying… the things he'd said. But still, he'd said it, when he knew she wasn't ready. "Yeah." Lilly replied.

Alex seemed surprised, "on purpose?"

"No." Lilly immediately answered. She didn't have to think on that one. Scotty just said whatever came to mind. It wasn't his fault that the things that came to mind were her kryptonite, her one weakness, the one thing she couldn't handle.

She could almost hear Alex beaming. "Men, huh? Idiots. Don't know when to shut the hell up." She laughed at Lilly's shocked silence. "It don't take a detective to realize what he did to you. Got in too far right? Rocked the boat when you were perfectly happy with just floating?"

A wave of relief washed over her. Good, the painful explanation didn't need to be uttered. "Yeah."

"The way I see it, Lil. You got one of two choices. Come home without him and wallow up in your house until the day you feel like getting back on the horse. Or, you can find him, work things out, and come home with him."

"You don't understand." Lilly muttered, picking at the thread on the carpet.

There was a short pause. "Maybe not, but I know you're happy with him." She said softly after a moment. "I dunno, maybe that's enough to keep trying?" She let the words sink in for a few seconds then brightly declared that she had to go pick her kids up and ensured Lilly she would stop by and clean the house a bit later on. Lilly thanked her numbly, then flipped the phone closed.

As she lowered her phone to the ground, Lilly felt the dull ache that had settled in her heart that afternoon lessen a little, giving way to anxiety. What if she was right? What if Scotty was her last chance at happiness? What if he, with his annoying quirks and smoldering glances, was the one? Lilly quickly backtracked. The one? Get real, Rush.

Lilly shook her head slightly, trying to see the facts objectively. She couldn't deny that Scotty made her happy. In the last month there had been times she laughed more than she thought she could handle, slept more than a person should, ate more meals in bed than was healthy, and had more sex than was probably decent. It was blissful. Spending lazy afternoons with him, and hectic days with him, and quiet kisses together.

That's not to say they hadn't had their share of hardship in a short little month either. The painful confessions that marked the beginning of their relationship, her ending up in the hospital again somewhere in between, getting sick, ending up in Portland, and of course, the events of this afternoon. But with a start of surprise, Lilly realized that they'd gotten through all that. Confessing that she was struggling had been what she needed to move on, and to convince Scotty it wasn't his fault. Getting hurt, getting sick, it'd shown her a tenderness in Scotty she couldn't even begin to imagine before. Maybe this could turn out well too, maybe it wasn't completely over.

With another startling realization, Lilly began to wonder if maybe he'd been telling the truth. Maybe he did love her. And he'd been loving her for far longer than the time they'd made it official by and put a label on their relationship. Casting her memory back further, Lilly zeroed in on the numerous worried glances he'd sent her way over the years, every time she came into work with a few hours less sleep under her belt; the way the lights in his eyes faded for those few months she was angry with him, and barely spoke; the earnest, endearing ways in which he strived to make her laugh, and the way it worked for the most part; the way he just understood things, when no one else did. And since the official start of them, the way he took care of her; the way he knew when to tread lightly around her, and when to push a little; the way he kept their secret…

Oh my God. He loves me. And I told him I…

Suddenly realizing she was completely spent, Lilly raised herself up and immediately collapsed on her bed, yawning widely. She'd go talk to Scotty tomorrow, when she was looking a bit less like a walking ghost. Maybe they could salvage something between them. They'd made it through all that, they could make it through this too. And if he really loved her, like she thought maybe he did, he'd give her at least until morning to think and to apologize, wouldn't he?

Wonder what Scotty is doing at this exact moment... LOL. anyhow, leave me a review if you feel inclined to.