Before anyone yells at me, I had several reasons I delayed in getting this chapter up. First, it was having the flu *sniff sniff*, and then it was a lack of inspiration and of motivation. But here you are, long overdue... Chapter title by James Morrison.

Chapter 25: If You Don't Want To Love Me

Because these words were never easier
for me to say, and her to second guess

The bar was too far away.

That was Scotty's first problem. In his thoroughly numb, disbelieving, almost catatonic state, he hadn't quite managed to find his car, let alone remember if he was carrying a set of keys, which left him no choice but to walk. He wasn't quite sure where he was walking to, having barely been out of Philadelphia his entire life, but at least he was moving. That was a hell of a lot better than being frozen to the spot, at the sight of the greatest disaster Portland had probably seen in a while. So he kept walking.

The people on the street gave him cursory looks, sizing him up, wondering why some beat up stranger was wandering the winter streets without a jacket. No one dared approach him, probably for fear it would provoke whatever mental illness he had. Let them stare. Scotty mused miserably, keeping his eyes defiantly forward.

A little while later, he found himself outside the hotel they'd checked into that morning, standing across the street. The sun was starting to set, and Scotty could just make out the glowing yellow squares that represented people with their lights on. He wondered if Lilly was sitting in one of those rooms, wondered if she was feeling as bad as he was, or if she was wandering the streets somewhere too. He was torn, wishing she was out here, so maybe he could see her bright blue eyes again, and wishing she was inside, where it was warm and safe. Absentmindedly, Scotty began to count the numbers down to Lilly's room. Three Floors up. One, two, three, four windows from the left. Or was that five? From the right?

Ain't like it matters, Scotty sighed, looking left and right for cars before jogging across the street to the front door of the hotel. He knew he should get as far away from Lilly as possible, but like bees to honey, here he was, gravitating toward the one place he knew. If the world fell down while he was there, at least Lilly would be near him. If she needed him, he could be there. 'Sides, Scotty rationalized, almost petulantly; hotel's got a damn bar.

Many shots of liquor later, and after a significant rise is Scotty's blood alcohol level, he was still sitting at the bar, watching the swirls in his drink and realizing that he wasn't drunk enough. Not if his mind kept conjuring up a certain dazzling blond. He took another gulp of the scorching liquid, finishing it off and promptly ordered another. Scotty barely registered the fact that he'd have a hell of a hangover tomorrow. He could deal with that tomorrow, forgetting Lilly Rush was filling up his plate for tonight.

To his chagrin, the more he drank, the more Lilly's image sprang, unbidden, to his mind. He could feel his senses dulling, his vision blurring a little and his mind working more slowly, but all that only brought her into clearer focus. She ain't someone you just forget, Scotty realized, still gazing mutinously into his drink, as though blaming it for not taking away the completely cognitive way he could see his girlfriend's face in his mind.

"'Nother one." He muttered to the bartender, indicating his empty glass, and his intention to keep drinking until he passed out.

The bartender, a middle aged, and heavy set man approached him cautiously, as though having seen too many drunken, miserable people in his day, and was wondering wearily whether or not Scotty would take a swing at him. "I'm gonna need your keys." He said slowly.

Scotty scowled at him, digging in his pocket until he heard a familiar jangling. He deposited the keys into the bartender's awaiting hands, and was rewarded with another drink. He gratefully took a sip. It burned its way down his throat, giving him a moment's reprieve from the onslaught of Lilly.

Damn it. Scotty gripped, his hand clenching around his glass. He knew it. He just knew there was a reason he'd stalled in saying he loved her. And here it fucking was. She'd bolted, like he feared she would. That's why he'd put it off so long, burying the words in his heart instead of saying them out loud. Damn Nick Vera for convincing him to say it. Damn Wayne Simms for blowing up a building and making Scotty feel like life was freaking short.

And damn Scotty for falling in love with her in the first place.

He knew, he knew right from the start that Lilly had issues. Abandonment, and commitment, and family, and a whole shitload of other problems that he hadn't even begun to tackle. Problems that he was planning on fixing for her, someday, if given the chance. But he couldn't stop himself from showing up at her house that night, just as he couldn't stop himself from dragging her headfirst into this relationship afterwards. This relationship that was completely crazy…

Him and her. Scotty Valens and Lilly Rush. He almost chuckled bitterly. If someone had told him the day he'd met Lilly that they would end up together, he would've suggested they check themselves into an asylum. Sure, he'd noticed her the moment they'd met, her slim figure and gorgeous blue eyes, but any romantic thoughts were quashed when he'd gotten to know the tough as nails cops she really was. Not his type. His type was… soft, delicate, endearingly innocent and just a bit dependant. That's why, throughout the years, when people asked about him and his partner, he'd always vehemently denied it, and denied even considering it, because.. that was, quite honestly, how he'd felt.

And then… somewhere along the way, Scotty wasn't quite sure when, but he had a sneaking suspicion that it was quite early on, he'd caught glimpses of the woman Lilly was behind the job, and the mask. And he was enchanted. Every little tidbit of information she shared with him, sometimes inadvertently, only fueled a desire to know more, to keep chipping at her walls, to reach for the next foothold that would bring him closer to crossing over to the other side.

Sometimes, he'd been downright reckless. Flirting openly and making excuses to brush his hand against hers, most likely the source of all the rumors. They'd gotten used to this, Scotty realized, and that was the entire reason he didn't come out of those unguarded moments with a black eye. Slowly, bit by bit, Lilly Rush started to trust him, even flirted back on occasion. Maybe it was that that galvanized Scotty into knocking on her door that night, over a month ago, or maybe it was just getting fed up with seeing her so damn tired, and sad all the time.

Either way, it didn't really matter how it started, just how it ended, with him admitting an incredibly true, though incredibly stupid thing.

I love you.

Another gulp of scotch.

Sorry. I can't.

Pours the rest down his throat.

Scotty gave the extra alcohol a moment to settle in, hoping it would give his system the extra kick necessary into oblivion. He didn't particularly like the taste of alcohol, the way it burned his throat and made tears prick his eyes when he drank too much at once, but it was effective, he had to admit. Drink 'til it stops hurting. Scotty remembered the only other time he'd turned to alcohol for comfort, and the only other woman he'd ever felt the need to say 'I love you' to, Elisa.

But they were young then. They were kids, barely into their awkward teens when they met for the first time. It was just assumed that they would end up together, even by both sets of parents, although, Scotty could admit, thinking back, that neither set of parents was particularly happy about it. They were Scotty, and Elisa, and then they were ScottyandElisa. When she got sick - Scotty paused to take another sip of his drink, cautious this time - he'd sworn that come hell or high water, he was going to be by her side. Ultimately, he'd failed, of course, just as he failed convince Lilly he loved her.

Before any more self-deprecating thoughts could fill his head, Scotty felt two shadows approach him and settle themselves on barstool on either side of him. Neither shadow said anything, and Scotty wished they would just leave him the hell alone, to his grief, and his chosen method of coping. Couldn't they see he was trying to get drunk in peace?

One shadow shifted uncomfortably, but in Scotty's alcohol hazed mind, the movement seemed hostile, threatening. It was obvious to Scotty that the stranger was awkwardly fumbling for a gun, probably about to shoot the whole place up. Impulsively, Scotty spun around, fully prepared to whip out his own weapon, engage in a fierce gun battle, and just maybe get his wish of blacking out for a little while… And then he saw who it really was, and the energy drained out of him a second. Will Jeffries.

Scotty grinned widely. "What the hell are you doin' here, man?" He asked loudly, clapping his colleague on the back. "Damn, I was gonna shoot you." He laughed again, the hollow sound not lost on the older detective.

"Nick and I just wanted to see how you were doing." Will replied smoothly. It was almost as if he couldn't tell Scotty was barely hanging on to the last shreds of control.

Scotty spun in his seat, and sure enough, found himself face to face with Nick Vera, who gave a small, half-hearted wave, looking thoroughly uncomfortable with this situation. He didn't like being in other people's business. Nick reasoned, and this… this was so far into Rush and Valens' business that it made him want to run in the other direction, lest he be crushed by the drama train.

"You okay?" Nick asked cautiously, surveying his ruined clothing and tired appearance. He sure as hell didn't look okay.

Scotty made a show of glancing down into his alcohol meaningfully, and then thinking for a second. "Yup." He replied brightly, bravely attempting a smile. "Fan-freaking-tastic." He couldn't quite manage to keep the bitter sarcasm out of his voice.

Will and Nick exchanged a brief glance, but neither of them spoke. They knew their colleague was in pain, probably a whole hell of a lot considering the way he was practically inhaling that alcohol. Even Will knew about the cutting and running that Lilly had done, having been informed by a slightly aghast Nick on the way here.

"Hey, how'd you two clowns know I'd be here anyway?" Scotty slurred, attempting to sound menacing, with a 'stay the hell out of my business' voice, or at the very least annoyed. He wasn't sure if he quite managed it. "You been followin' me?"

Nick chuckled despite the grim situation. "No need, bro. Knew you'd be here." In reality, they'd had to check 3 bars before finally coming back to the hotel. They hadn't know there was a bar down here, and were fully planning to see if Kat had any luck with Lilly. But here he was… just unable to tear himself away.

"Yeah, how?" Scotty asked, frowning. In his addled state, he couldn't quite work out how they'd guessed he'd be here, out of millions of square feet of sprawling land.

"It's what I'd do." Will replied softly. He gave Scotty a knowing smile, one that he wasn't sure the younger detective could quite comprehend. He decided to elaborate. "We know about you and Lil, and…" He paused awkwardly, "… what happened."

"Don't - talk to me - about Lil." Scotty growled, the mere mention of her name aloud sending twin shots of anger and pain through his veins, despite the fact that her face had been swimming in his head for the past hour.

"I know you love her." Will pointed out. He could see the vein pulsing in Scotty's temple, and the way he clenched his jaw to keep from lashing out. He pressed on, ignoring the alarmed glare from Nick's direction. "Man in love can't hide it forever. It was bound to come out and-"

"Shut up." Scotty muttered, staring down at the table.

"-And I don't care what running she did." Will continued, unabashed.

"SHUT UP!" Scotty stood up suddenly, knocking over his drink as his world tilted alarmingly. He fought a second for balance, forgetting to be mad at Will Jeffries, as the amber liquid trickled toward the floor.

Will's next words were barely above a whisper, but in the quiet that had settled into the already sparsely populated bar at Scotty's outburst, it seemed strikingly loud. "Point is, what are you gonna do now?"

Scotty remained standing, letting the words sink in, and they, unlike the alcohol, seemed to be having their intended effect, if the satisfied smirk on Nick's face was any indication. As he sat down slowly, Scotty felt the façade he was attempting to put up for his colleagues fade away.

"What can I do?" He asked helplessly. "Lil's - she's got, issues-"

"Well, she's a woman, Valens." Nick quipped lightly, hoping to lighten the situation. "What d'you expect? Easy?"

"Kinda, yeah." Scotty attempted a small smile. In that moment he realized that he always thought him and Lilly would just… work out. They'd fought through more than their share of problems in the last month, more than most budding relationships could handle, but… somehow, he knew, that they would always have each other. And in some childish part of his brain, or rather his heart, Scotty Valens truly believed that if they had each other, it was logical that any problems would be easy to tackle.

Now that he saw the true enormity of the problem he was facing, Lilly's demons and her scars, he wasn't so sure anymore.

"And now that it ain't easy, you ain't even gonna go back and keep tryin'?" Nick asked incredulously. "Since when does Scotty Valens freakin' give up."

Scotty buried his head in his hand with a loud groan. That and there was exactly the problem. Well, putting aside the fact that Lilly had shattered his heart that afternoon. If he went back, Scotty knew one of two things could happen. He could get his heart broken all over again, or he could get her back, for the time being, because the issues would surface again, she'd get scared, or he'd do something stupid, and they would be right back where they started. Scotty wasn't sure if he could handle that.

"She said…" Scotty began, a waver in his voice. "I said… I love you, an' she, said 'Sorry'. How the hell am I supposed to…" He trailed off.

"Lil, loves you." Will promised reassuringly. "Or else she wouldn't have been in this so long." At Scotty's alarmed glance, Will added something about knowing for weeks that they were involved, and then continued his original thought. "It's just her past talking."

A deep sadness filled Scotty's voice. "Yeah, well… I want to, but I ain't… superman. I can't fix her." He admitted. "An' I can't keep failin'."

Nick and Will exchanged a worried look. This was the first time they'd seen Scotty admit he wasn't in control of everything; the first time they'd seen him starting to give up. It was, frankly, incredibly alarming.

There was silence for a long moment, as Will and Nick both wracked their brains for how to tell this new, broken, Scotty that he wasn't failing anyone, that he didn't need to be superman. Words that they couldn't seem to articulate, nor that Scotty would believe. A while later, Scotty looked up. "Pathetic, huh?" He asked aloud.

He barely registered his colleagues shaking their heads, and he felt no inclination to keep talking. They'd gotten into his business far enough for one night, and, like it or not, he still had half a secret to protect. Even when she was gone, he felt bad speaking openly of their relationship, as though it was a betrayal of sorts.

The silence stretched on, until Nick spoke, in an emotional voice so unlike his own, "If it's meant to be, she'll come back to you, you ain't gotta worry about that."

Scotty swallowed. That was the question, wasn't it? If it was meant to be… If she loved him back… If he had the strength to keep trying… If he was man enough to fight for her… If she cared that he was hurting… If they would last forever…

As his colleagues quietly retreated to their respective parts of the hotel, the questions continued to swirl in Scotty's head. If….

And he started to fear the answer was 'no'.

Yikes, Scotty isn't doing so good. Please leave me a review if you got a minute (:I could really use the encouragement/criticism/ideas/anything you want...