Author's Note: Sorry, but no smut scene. I've only written one for another fic, and I remember it was very difficult. Not to mention I refuse to write Alfred being intimate with someone other than Arthur. I'll allude to it of course, but not write it. Anyway, thanks for continuing to be supportive! I can say that Alfred's starting to wear down, but nothing's ever that simple.
It was kind of amazing how hollow a person could feel.
That was the first thought Alfred had when he woke up. He always felt poetic the morning after a random tryst, and while sleeping with Christian hadn't exactly been random, Alfred still felt dazed, not entirely there.
He was on his back in bed, bed sheets low on his hips and Christian's arm heavy on his stomach. The older man was on his side next to Alfred, curled around him and breathing heavily against his neck, and his grip only tightened when Alfred tried to move.
The teenager sighed, lifting a hand to his face and rubbing, stiff and sticky and incredibly sore. It wasn't often that Alfred offered to bottom, but he hadn't exactly been all that into it last night, thinking a million different thoughts even as Christian went down on him. Everything had almost been a chore, not at all the ultimate distraction Alfred had been seeking.
He looked to the ceiling, watching the dust float through beams of light streaming in through the partially opened blinds. Come to think of it, Alfred wasn't sure where he was or how to get home from here. His mind was blank. He couldn't think.
Christian snorted slightly in his sleep, and Alfred blinked sluggishly, able to feel a headache coming on. What exactly had he been trying to achieve by ditching Elizabeta for Christian? Certainly it wasn't this, indifference and confusion and an uncomfortably full bladder.
A buzzing on the bedside table caught Alfred's attention, and he craned his neck, realizing after a few seconds that it was his phone. Being mindful to not wake Christian, Alfred stretched out his arm, straining horribly before he was able to slide his phone closer and then pick it up.
No one was trying to call him as he'd thought initially, but he did have a multitude of voice mails and text messages from the night before. Having nothing better to do, he put the phone to his ear and started to listen.
The first was from Matt. "Hey, Al. You should probably start answering your phone before Mom convinces Robert to put out a missing persons notice. I told her you're probably just blowing off steam, but you know how she gets. I know you told me you're at Kiku's, but for some reason, I don't believe you. I won't tell Mom but… just… pick up the phone, okay?"
The second was from his mom. "Alfred, this is your mother. I know you're upset about what happened earlier, and I want you to come home so your father and I can sit down and have a discussion with you about this. You can't keep acting out when something doesn't go your way. I am sorry for lying to you, honey. I thought it was the best thing to do at the time. I've only ever wanted what's best for you... "
One from his dad. "Al, it's Dad. I know you're expecting me to count off a million different ways that your mother and I are going to kill you when you get home, but that really isn't important. I know you had a panic attack at the restaurant earlier, and I'm so sorry for putting you in that situation when it's supposed to be my job to protect you. I trust that Mr. Kirkland was telling us the truth when he told us he dropped you off at home and then left. Wherever you are, Al, make sure to stay safe. We'll be here waiting for you."
One from Kiku. "Elizabeta just called in hysterics because apparently you went off with Christian Harris to some undisclosed location. I don't know what's going on, but don't do anything stupid, okay? Christian really hurt you, and I know you didn't forget about that so easily, Alfred. Please don't put yourself in a situation that you're not really comfortable with. Don't let anyone get the better of you. I'm only a phone call away if you need me."
"Alfred, I'm freaking out here." By the time he got to Elizabeta's message, Alfred's chest was constricting horribly. That wasn't something he was used to experiencing on the morning after. "I know Christian wanted something, and I know you don't typically say no, but what the fuck? Are you okay? Is there something going on? You haven't been acting all that different since you met Arthur, but now I'm starting to wonder. This is a whole new level of crazy, baby."
Alfred was ashamed as he listened to Elizabeta's frenzied goodbye. He'd tumbled into bed with some guy he didn't even like just because he was upset. He'd wanted to hurt everyone, Arthur, his parents and Matt, and even Elizabeta and Kiku to some degree, though he wasn't sure why. Maybe everything Alfred had done since high school began was just part of some elaborate scheme to sabotage himself.
It made sense. Alfred had never really enjoyed sex and to this day still wasn't sure why he engaged in it so often. Sure, the instant gratification aspect was nice, but once it was over, Alfred just wanted to throw up. He'd always felt dirty and low, used in the worst possible way, but that was nothing new. It was like how he'd felt when Matthew told him the truth with contempt in his eyes.
To be honest, that feeling had never completely gone away.
"Somehow I'm positive this is normal for you."
Alfred stiffened, mouth popping open as Christian tightened his grip on him again, disturbed by his movement. It was odd, hearing his soul mate's voice when he was in bed with some other guy. Alfred felt exposed, caught. How did Arthur even get his number?
"Disappearing without a word and sending your mum into a panic, that is." Arthur went on, and everything in the background on his end was silent. Not a rustle or whisper. Just his voice. "She phoned and asked me to try and contact you. As if you'd answer if I did. But it's worth a shot, I suppose. You do enjoy surprising me."
Alfred wasn't sure what was going on. Arthur's voice was shaking. "What you said earlier, about nothing ever being fine, what did you mean by that? Frankly, that disturbed me so deeply I almost followed you inside your house, but I figured you wouldn't appreciate that and just left you alone. If something bad happens to you, however, I'll feel personally responsible."
Did this constitute as a bad thing? Arthur would definitely think so if he knew, but it wasn't like Alfred was going to tell him when he saw him again. He already felt guilty enough as is, and the two of them weren't even together, so it wasn't like Alfred was cheating or anything.
But Alfred had cheated before; and it felt a lot like this.
"I really hope you're okay. I do remember being your age, and if you're anything like I was, you're probably doing something destructive or have already done it. If that's the case, it doesn't make you a bad person. So long as you didn't do something unspeakable, you can leave anything behind you." Arthur paused, and while his voice wasn't as shaky as it had been before, Alfred could still feel the other man's anxiety. "If you need me to come get you, just phone this number. Even if it's two in the morning, I will come find you, Alfred."
Two in the morning, huh? Alfred glanced over at the bedside table again, peering over at the glowing red numbers without the help of his glasses or contacts. He hardly used either, was used to everything being slightly distorted, and while his eyesight wasn't terrible, it was a struggle.
Alfred managed to make out the numbers "12:27."
He was late for rehab.
Alfred pulled into the parking lot of the rehab center nearly fifty minutes after his appointment was supposed to start, but he didn't really care. He didn't feel like going home just yet, and after listening to the man's voice mail, he felt some inane urge to be as close to Arthur as possible, whatever that could mean.
He exited the car with some difficulty, having dressed in a hurry and aggravated his sore muscles even more than they already were. He hadn't bothered to tell Christian he was leaving or even leave a note. Alfred was hell-bent on avoiding Christian for the rest of his life. He didn't exactly blame the Australian for his own lack of self-control, but Christian randomly showing up in the midst of Alfred's crisis hadn't helped matters at all.
Walking into that building, Alfred felt as if he were going to his execution. Arthur was probably going to be pissed, especially considering that he was paid by the hour; but Arthur was nowhere in sight when Alfred came in. Alfred did a quick sweep of the area before heading over to the receptionist's desk.
For all he'd noticed her presence in the days he'd spent here, Alfred had never spoken to her, though she looked up and smiled warmly when Alfred came to a stop at the counter. "Do you know where Arthur is?" He asked.
She nodded, leaning back in her chair and pointing down the hall that was to her right and Alfred's left. "Break room, third door on the left."
Alfred thanked her quickly, wondering if normal patrons were allowed to be where she was directing him. Then again, she probably knew by now what Alfred was to Arthur and therefore was bending the rules for them. Alfred was too tired to put up a fuss.
The door did have an "Employees Only" sign on it, but Alfred pushed it open regardless, though he only stood in the doorway. Arthur was lying on the small sofa at the far end of the room, phone pressed to his ear and arm draped over his eyes.
"Hold on a second, Gil." Arthur said before shifting the phone's receiver away from his mouth slightly. "I believe I said I didn't want to be disturbed, Angie. Or Ivan. Whoever you are."
"Neither." Alfred said, and Arthur bolted upright on the couch. Their eyes met, and Alfred breathed a huge sigh. "It's just me."
"Just you." Arthur echoed, voice harsh, and he swung his legs around to sit normally. "I have to go, Gilbert."
The green-eyed trainer snapped his phone shut, and Alfred realized for the first time that Arthur had a flip-phone. He wasn't sure why that was important, but it seemed somewhat charming, especially when everyone and their mother had smart phones of some kind.
"Sorry, I didn't answer your call." Alfred went on as Arthur stood up. "I turned my phone off. I spent the night at a friend's house. Well, my ex-boyfriend's friend's house, but you get the picture. I'm not actually in the mood to do any work today, I just came to tell you – "
For the first time since the other day, everything was warm. Alfred blinked and realized that Arthur was hugging him tightly, much too tight. Alfred expected that his parents would hug him whenever he went back home, but he'd never imagined this.
"Do you have any idea how bloody terrified I was?" Arthur exploded, pushing Alfred away suddenly. He didn't remove his hands from Alfred's shoulders, but his eyes were blazing with anger when Alfred glanced up. "You've done a lot of ridiculous things, but this is by far the most moronic, selfish – "
Alfred could only stare as Arthur continued to rant, scolding him like he probably would Peter or something, though Alfred probably deserved it. He hadn't really been thinking clearly yesterday.
But the more he watched, the more Alfred learned. Arthur didn't look like he'd slept much. His hair was a mess and he wasn't all that steady on his feet either. For a split second, Alfred wanted to jump into Arthur, to give the man what he'd been denied the moment their watches went off and then some.
Arthur had no idea how desperately Alfred wanted to love and be loved. It was fucking maddening, and it was why he'd made a hobby out of sleeping around; but that wasn't going to work anymore, not after Arthur. He'd sounded so lost in his voice mail, concerned and caring, but weak. Would Christian do that? Would any of the guys Alfred had slept with?
Probably not. Arthur wasn't like the others. He was different, special. Arthur was Alfred's soul mate.
But the moment passed. Last night had proved to Alfred that he wasn't capable of loving anybody in that way, at least not yet. Arthur didn't deserve any half-measures, and while he'd finally managed to win the teenager over, Alfred wouldn't say anything for now.
Not to say it wasn't going to be difficult. Arthur was just standing there yelling at him and Alfred still wanted to kiss him to shut him up. Granted, this was still at the level of a schoolboy crush, but Alfred believed that it would develop into more than that, eventually, whenever he decided to pull himself together after nearly four years of a downward spiral.
Arthur suddenly hugged him again, flustered and relieved but obviously angry beyond belief, and Alfred laughed – not the kind Arthur wanted to hear but a laugh all the same – and hugged the man in return.
He didn't feel quite as empty anymore.