A/N: Hmmm, this chapter turned into a bit of a beast - the longest one so far! But it had to be, to cover the apology I wish we'd seen in the episode. The question is - how willing is Trip to accept it?

Enjoy!

Violations

Chapter Twelve - The Captain's Conscience

One hell of an apology. That's how he had described it, and… God, he hadn't been joking. The more he thought about what Trip had been through, the more Jon's conscience had demanded it. So, while Trip sat listening to him, too startled to agree with him, disagree, or just to get a word in edgewise, he ploughed on. Laid out every piece of his guilt, while praying that eight years of friendship would absolve them.

"I let you down, Trip. For every part of what happened to you, I've let you down," he said softly, finding it impossible now, to look into Trip's eyes, and see the trust he knew he didn't deserve. At least, he didn't deserve it yet. But he would. And, he hoped, sooner rather than later.

More immediately, though, he felt suddenly restless. A need to get up, and get moving, as if to try and release some of the tension that he'd kept bottled up inside him. Rising to his feet, he paced several strides towards the window, before he turned back again - noting that puzzled concern had now filled Trip's eyes. Almost as if he knew what was coming.

And come it did - more fiercely than Jon had intended.

"I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Sending you to them, when we knew nothing about them? That's a mistake you might get away with as a rookie, just out of training, but - God, Trip. I walked into that situation greener than any rookie, let alone a Starfleet captain."

Realizing from Trip's reaction that his anger wasn't helping either of them, he stopped it instantly, willing himself to calm down as he returned to Trip's side. Placing his hand back on his shoulder, he was about to continue – but Trip quietly beat him to it.

"Jon, it – it was a simple first contact. You couldn't have known what they were gonna do…"

'…any more than I did…'

He'd thought that last part, rather than saying it aloud. Made his point, simply through his eyes. Slowly, reluctantly, Jon accepted it. But still he couldn't quite smile. His conscience just wouldn't allow it.

"But I still knew you were in trouble over there. God knows, Trip, you tried enough times to tell me."

If he'd been bothered about keeping score, Jon knew that point would defy any kind of argument. When he saw Trip's eyes change, darken that tiny shade from azure towards cobalt, he knew he'd get one anyway.

"And yeah… God knows, you're kickin' yourself now, that you didn't take me more seriously."

Still stung by this outburst that he'd already known was coming, Jon could only nod. However angry Trip was about to get - yes, he deserved it. He deserved everything that was about to hit him. All he could do was make the apology that still sounded so hollow.

"I know, Trip… and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Trip, I should have got you the hell out of there."

"Yeah, you should. An' that's somethin' I know you'd do anythin' right now to change," Trip shot back, his turn now to get up, and pace across to his window. Just as Jon had done, he turned there, and looked back - his eyes silently defying Jon to try and interrupt him.

"An' that's the thing, isn't it, Jon? I mean, you do this to yourself, all the time. Act with the best intentions, then whack yourself out with a baseball bat when things go wrong with 'em. Yeah, you should've listened to me. Yeah, you should've realized I was in trouble. And yeah, you should've gotten me outta there. But the simple fact is - you didn't."

With that point well and truly made, Trip returned to sit on the edge of his bed. As Jon noted, his eyes were still dangerously dark. Along with the guilt that still weighed down on his shoulders, it was the only thing Jon needed to see to keep wisely quiet, and let Trip continue.

"An' can you do anythin' to change that, Jon? Can you do anythin' about any of that to stop what happened to me?"

Still lost in guilt, Jon hadn't quite caught the lifeline that Trip had gently thrown out to him. It took a gentle shake on his arm to get his attention. And more quietly meaningful questions to guide him towards it.

"Can you do anythin' now, Jon? Can you do anythin' to help me, right here? Right now?"

Almost immediately, before Jon could recover enough to respond, Trip's eyes changed again. Back to calm, clear blue, and brightened still more by the faint smile that had also returned to his face.

"You're forgettin' here, Jon, how well I know you. Hell, I know you better than you know you!"

Jon was starting to smile too now. But not as quickly, and nowhere near as genuinely, as Trip wanted. Regretting your mistakes was part of life's journey, of course, but from his own eventful experience – well, as his momma had so often told him, 'them who break glass houses shouldn't toss no stones…'

Hell, yes. He'd broken his share of those. Damn, he'd pulled stunts in his time that could have had him committed. For the friend who'd raised saving his ass into an art form… well, there was only one thing left to say.

"An' as you've told me, all the times when I've screwed up, hindsight is wonderfully twenty twenty."

More than anything now, Jon wanted to enjoy that smile on Trip's face. This humbling forgiveness, that came from so much of his character. Until he understood it, though, or knew where it had come from… no, he couldn't accept it either. So instead, he just bowed and shook his head, struggling through his mind for the right things to say – then stared in utter amazement when the softest of voices tried to save him the trouble.

"An' if you're waitin' for me to get mad, and start throwin' things at you, like that time back at Starfleet… well, you're gonna have a long wait. 'cause I know the person who's madder than I could ever be right now is you. 'cause I know nothin' I say will give you the same kick up the ass as your own conscience. An' I know you'll beat yourself up over this, Jon, long after you need to. Long after this is all over."

Pausing to let this sink in, and waiting for Jon to pick up the hint from its last part, Trip then sighed – allowing himself just a flash of rueful 'hindsight' as he glanced towards his beloved old diving suit. Not for the first time, and surely not the last, he really wished he'd remembered to pack its flippers. They'd be perfect for all those times, like this one, when his Cap'n needed a damn good whack.

Instead, he just had his voice. A quiet, more serious need, to try and make his friend understand why this mother of guilt trips wasn't doing this Trip any favours.

"But all the time you're doin' that, Jon, it's remindin' me of everythin' I'm tryin' to leave behind. How can I start puttin' this behind me, if I'm tryin' to straighten you out at the same time? 'cause with everythin' I'm havin' to deal with here, Jon, I don't need that. I really don't."

Yeah, that did it. Jon's eyes had widened so far now, they looked about ready to drop out their sockets. And yes, Trip could see how hard he was trying to find something to say. The right things to say. But from good ol' Southern pride, and its equally fierce loyalty, he wasn't quite done with him yet.

"See, Jon, the way I see it, I've got a choice here, on how to get through this," he said at last, following Jon's earlier lead, and rising to his feet again, as if the extra height could help him make his point. "I can either let this thing ruin my life, or I can try to get past it… find a way to live with it."

Now he had the smile he wanted. As real, and as proudly accepting, as the quiet words that followed.

"And I'm guessing the best way for you to do that…"

"…is to help you find that ship, Jon… an' make sure no-one else ever goes through this again."

So there it was. The moment of acceptance and understanding that both of them had been searching for. And somehow, a proud hug didn't seem enough to mark its significance. How much it meant to them. And it really didn't deserve to be interrupted by a call from the Bridge, that threw so many other emotions into the mix.

"T'Pol to Captain Archer. Sir, we've found them. We'll intercept in just over two hours."

That brought everything instantly back into perspective. Inevitably, it also brought Trip straight back into the hell of what he'd been put through. Staring, as Trip still was, towards the comm beside him, Jon tightened his arm around his shoulders – waiting for the shadows in Trip's eyes to clear again, before softly, and gently, restoring his courage.

"We've got you this far, Trip. We'll get you through the rest of it. We'll get you through all of it."