Chapter 53: Warmth
When the sun's rays woke Delia, she felt miserable. She didn't sleep well at all, and her body protested against any movement. It took all of her self-discipline to get out of her bedroll, dress and leave her tent to practice her battle stances. As she started her daily workout, her mind tried to concentrate on her physical movements rather than on the past day's conversation with Wynne, but it was to no avail.
With every movement Delia made, Wynne's voice crept into her head. "Love is inevitably selfish…" Delia tried to refocus and changed stances. She moved her arms, practicing the precise movements while she concentrated on each subtle muscle movement, but her mind kept slipping away. "You must let him go to do his duty. He cannot afford to be distracted by you." With an angry snarl, Delia threw up her hands in frustration. She simply could not concentrate, so instead she looked to see who was awake. Sten was at the fire with Dusty, so Delia whistled to the mabari. As he bounded to her side, she scratched him behind his ears.
"Let's take a short walk, OK? I need a… distraction."
The mabari woofed softly in agreement, and the two headed off around the perimeter of the camp. Delia knew she shouldn't go far, so she stayed within sight. Dusty amused her by sniffing out a few partridges and making them take flight. It was as good a diversion as any, and the dog's pleased smile helped her feel better, if only for a moment.
Selfish. That word kept charging back into her thoughts. Her mind started to analyze her recent life, and she was finding she was indeed very selfish. Why did she try to join the Grey Wardens? It wasn't because she felt she could serve them, it was because she wanted protection. Wynne was right – she had been only thinking of herself. Delia frowned and tears began to form in her eyes. She had never thought her desire for protection was selfish, but she really didn't bring any real skill to the wardens in return. Her gift would only help in limited situations, and didn't help at all when fighting. What possible use could she be when they battled the Blight? She was beginning to feel useless.
"Love is inevitably selfish…" Why did she love Alistair? Because he loved her and made her feel wanted and safe. Even when she was fighting at his side, she felt as though his shield would always protect her and that they were invincible as long as they were together. The question she couldn't answer was whether she actually benefitted him in any way. No matter how hard she worked at her fighting skills, she was still incredibly weak when compared to her companions. Yes, she had only improved during their travels, but that wasn't difficult to accomplish when you started with no skill at all.
Then there was her ancestry. Bann Godefryd Loren had a way of shifting his alliances almost as often as the wind would change course. Delia didn't think there was a single noble in all of Ferelden who would trust her father, and his disrepute would undoubtedly be cast upon her as well. Wouldn't it be selfish of her to expect Alistair to be burdened with her father's shadow?
She looked over at the campfire and noticed Trent was awake and sitting there, warming his hands near the flames. He looked up and saw her watching him, and he stood to walk toward her. His smile faded as he saw the miserable look on Delia's face, causing him to move more briskly.
"Good morning, Delia. What's the matter? You should be happy as a lark today, but it's obvious that isn't the case." He led her to a nearby boulder and sat down with her.
She looked at the man who actually gave her life and sighed. "I just can't help but think about what Wynne said to me. I think she's right."
Trent scratched his head. "Whatever did she say to you to upset you so much?"
"Well, there were several things, but the one I can't get out of my mind is that marrying Alistair would be selfish. I would be a burden to him. She also feels that it is inevitable that I will hurt him." She looked down at her feet as a tear escaped down her cheek. "I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to lose him." She looked into Trent's face sadly. "What should I do? Should I leave him for his own sake?"
Trent put his arm around her shoulder. Immediately he thought how odd it was that this was the first time he had ever done something so… fatherly… for his own daughter. He thought for a moment about how best to word his thoughts before he cleared his throat.
"Delia, everything in life is selfish. The simple act of eating is selfish as some sort of creature or plant must perish, yet we must do it to live. Sometimes we must be selfish in order to survive. You may feel that marrying Alistair is selfish because you actually wish to be married to him because of your love for him, but it is also a means of sacrificing a part of yourself as well. You will be dedicating yourself to the health and happiness of the two of you as a combined unit. There are many things you do for Alistair that I don't think you are even aware of."
"What do you mean?" She looked confused.
"You give him an inner strength that he could never have if he didn't have you to love. I have seen the change in him, from acting like an overgrown boy to a real man. He is learning how to make difficult decisions, plan strategies, and work toward his goals. He has a purpose, and not just to defeat the Blight. He wants to defeat the Blight for himself, not just for his people, so that he can have a future with you. That is a form of selfishness that is true, but that selfishness will benefit the entire country."
"The two of you are good for each other; you complement each other in your strengths and weaknesses. That is the beginning of a strong alliance. Every alliance is selfish as each party has their own agenda, but the alliance gives both more strength and power than they had individually." He turned toward her and placed his hands on either side of her face. "Love is a powerful motivation. Happiness brings strength and courage. Alistair needs you because you make him stronger. Yes, that is selfish, and yet if he is strong, he will be a strong king for Ferelden, and our country needs a powerful and just leader. You will have to sacrifice your own freedom in order to help him be the king he needs to be."
Trent's face grew wistful. "One thing that I know with all my heart is that having that true love, even for a moment, is worth every pain you will ever face. You both need to seize the opportunity to selfishly enjoy every second you can together."
Delia moved a hand to his cheek. "You are thinking about my mother, aren't you?"
He smiled softly at her and looked at the sky. "Yes. I wouldn't trade one second of the time we had together for anything. Losing her was more than painful, watching her with that… louse of a man was horrendous, but my memories have always kept me going." He sighed and smiled at her. "I was glad to be able to keep her safe from Loren, even if I couldn't have her as my own. Listen to your father," he continued with a soft chuckle, "and marry Alistair. It's the best gift either of you will ever have."
Delia threw her arms around Trent's neck, catching him a bit by surprise. "Thank you, Father. I wish things had been different, and I had you there where you should have been my entire life, at my mother's side. At least I have you here now."
As she released him, he motioned to the camp. "Let's go find your betrothed, Delia. I think having time to talk to each other will ease both of your minds."
The two walked back to the fire, finding Aeden and Alistair at the fire cooking breakfast. As they drew close to the wardens, Trent cleared his throat.
"You aren't allowing him anywhere near the food, are you Aeden? We don't need to travel on upset stomachs!" He winked at Delia.
"He-ey… I'm not that bad a cook. Well… not anymore at least. I've learned a few things from my lovely wife-to-be!" Alistair stood and embraced Delia, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"Yes, Trent, I think he has the basics of oatmeal and porridge down, but don't trust him with stew… not ever." Aeden shuddered theatrically, making Alistair punch him lightly on the arm before he offered a seat to Delia and they both sat at the fire.
They all conversed amiably, teasing each other as the oatmeal cooked. Their other companions slowly emerged from their tents, the cold air making it difficult to leave the comfort of their warm bedrolls. Wynne was the last to join them at the fire, and since Delia had finished her meal she took the opportunity to pack her tent. When she finished getting her belongings ready for the day's travels, she made her way to the horses to help Trent with the tack.
The group started to move as soon as everyone was ready. Although the weather started out agreeably, a mist developed as they drew closer to Lake Calenhad. They were all cold and damp, and Aeden decided it might be a good night to find a nice inn and treat them all to warm, dry beds for the night. They approached a small town in midafternoon, so Aeden decided to sacrifice the distance they might have covered for warm baths and a good night's sleep.
The town was a small fishing village, and the inn was very small. Since the weather was growing colder, there weren't many travelers and the wardens' companions were the only people staying in the inn. Since there were only four rooms they put two people in each room with the exception of Trent, Sten and Zev sharing the largest room. Morrigan and Leliana had already decided that it wouldn't be good for anyone if Delia and Wynne shared a room, so Leliana shared the room with the elder mage and Morrigan with Delia.
Baths were drawn for each person, and when Delia submerged her body into the steaming water it felt as if all the stress from the previous day dissolved in the water. She cleaned herself with the soap Nattie had given to her back when her time with the Grey Wardens had just begun. Remembering the woman brought a smile to her face, and she remembered Nattie telling her how all young ladies needed some nice scented soap. Just the smell of the roses and lavender helped to relax her, and she felt as though baths were a luxury she would never take for granted ever again in her life!
Once the water cooled, Delia stepped out of the bath and dressed in her clean tunic and breeches, leaving the ones she had on earlier near the fire to dry. After she brushed out her hair she left the room to see which of her friends would be in the main room. As she reached the bottom of the stairs and looked around she found that luck was not working in her favor. The only person downstairs was Wynne.
The mage had, of course, seen her and nodded an acknowledgement, so Delia felt compelled to join her near the fire. As she sat in the chair next to Wynne, the mage reached out and took Delia's hand in hers.
"Delia, I owe you an apology. I never intended to sound so harsh when I spoke to you yesterday, and I should have minded my own business. Please know that it was never my intention to hurt you in any way."
Delia nodded and spoke quietly. "I… understand, Wynne. You only want what's best for both me and Alistair."
Wynne nodded in reply. "Yes, but it is deeper than that. I don't want you to suffer the same heartbreak I did."
Delia looked at the mage in surprise. "What do you mean?"
Wynne sighed. "I was once in love." Delia looked at her with a raised eyebrow, earning a chuckle from the mage. "Oh, don't be so surprised. I wasn't always this old, you know." Her gaze turned to the fire, and she seemed to be looking far away. "I fell in love with a man I was… forbidden to love. We tried to be discreet, and thought we kept our affair a secret, but the Maker has a way of proving that you can't hide forever."
Delia put her other hand on top of Wynne's. "What happened?"
"Well, I became pregnant. Mages are not allowed to keep any children they have, so my son was taken from me the day he was born. The First Enchanter, the one we had before Irving, was adamant about finding out who was the father. He had an idea about who my love was, and wanted to destroy him. I couldn't allow that to happen, so I refused to speak. Because I protected my love, I never was even permitted to see my child's face, or touch his hand. I only know he was a boy because my friend attended my labor and secretly told me about my son when we were alone."
Wynne looked into Delia's eyes. "My love never spoke to me again, except when forced to by circumstance, and his anger at never knowing his child destroyed whatever feelings he had for me. I was forced to watch as his love became loathing, and the only way I could survive the pain was to focus on my duty. It made me a better mage in the end, but I lost… myself along the way."
Delia squeezed Wynne's hand. "I understand. You don't want to see that happen to us."
Wynne shook her head. "I never want to see that happen to either of you. I care a great deal about you both, even if it is Alistair who calls me his surrogate grandmother." She chuckled at the thought of the warden's teasing. "It was almost more than I could bear at the time."
Delia looked directly into Wynne's eyes. "I know what Trent had to suffer through with my mother, and I believe him when he tells me that it was worth it to have his love for a short a time as he did. My love for Alistair isn't forbidden, and I will never willingly leave him. I don't believe he would ever leave me either. If the Maker has plans that involve one or both of us dying, we will have to be content in the knowledge that we had our happiness for as long as we were permitted. I have to trust that our friends will be there to help us both should the worst happen, but I have to have faith that the Maker wouldn't have brought us together if He didn't have a reason for it."
Wynne smiled gently at Delia. "So, do you forgive this old woman and her worries then?"
"Of course, Wynne. I am glad to have someone as wise as you to counsel me, even if you are wrong sometimes." Delia winked at the mage, who laughed aloud.
The two women hugged, and started to talk about herbs and potions. It wasn't long before other members of their party joined them and the conversation turned into stories about each of their previous adventures. When Alistair walked down the stairs and saw Delia and Wynne laughing together he smiled. He couldn't be happier that the two most important women in his life were back to being friends. As he joined his friends near the fireplace he kissed his betrothed before sitting on the floor in front of her. Leliana started to sing a song for the group, and Delia put her hand on Alistair's shoulder.
As he put his hand on top of hers, he couldn't help but feel he was the luckiest man in all of Ferelden. He had a group of friends he could trust and a woman who he loved at his side. Somehow, he knew in his heart that they would be able to accomplish anything they had to, as long as they all stuck together.