Chapter 58: High Anxiety
When Delia woke she felt as if she hadn't slept at all. Whatever was troubling Alistair had her worried, and she couldn't find a way to set her concerns aside. She knew that somehow she had to hide her own anxiety to allow Alistair to concentrate on his battles, so she dressed and splashed cold water on her face to try to look more awake. After brushing her hair she nearly ran down the stairs to find the wardens.
As she suspected, both Alistair and Aeden were in the dining room already eating breakfast and deep in discussion about their upcoming mission. When they heard her footsteps they both looked up. Alistair smiled warmly and stood to greet her. Once she reached his side he pulled her into an embrace and kissed her, earning a chuckle from Aeden.
Alistair glared at him teasingly. "Oh, you're just jealous." He pulled a chair out for Delia and sat back down. Deirdre was in the room momentarily with a plate of food for Delia.
"Deirdre, you must be a mind reader. How did you know I was here?"
"Ah, dearie, I've been servin' wardens for so many years, you learn to listen close for footsteps, especially at breakfast. They are usually so ravenously hungry first thing in the morning that it's far better for me to be ready when they get here."
The trio laughed good naturedly at the dwarf and then fell back into their conversation.
"As I was saying earlier, Alistair, I think we should bring Sten with us again," Aeden said between mouthfuls of oatcakes.
"Are you sure that's a good idea? What if we need to unlock something? You don't think it would be good to bring Zev?"
"I'd rather have brute strength to take down as many darkspawn as possible. Hopefully that will mean we can get back that much faster so that I can be even more jealous of you, if that's possible." Aeden winked at Delia with a mischievous smile, earning a kick under the table from Alistair.
"If you break my shin I won't be of much use to you," Aeden retaliated.
Alistair smirked at him and his mood soured again. Although they spoke more about the mission during the remainder of the meal, Alistair seemed distant and bothered. Delia looked at him and was concerned. He didn't have his usual smile or the glint in his eyes. She had never seen him like this in all the time she had known him, and she knew something was very wrong.
After they finished eating the two wardens double checked their supplies while Sten, Wynne and Trent sat at the table and ate. When they finished their meal the wardens were ready to leave. The foursome put on their cloaks and took up the packs. Delia watched sadly as they readied themselves, not knowing what to say to brighten her love's mood. When the group headed toward the door, Delia said goodbye to Aeden, Wynne and Sten in turn and then asked Alistair to stay for a moment.
"I'm worried about you, love. You aren't yourself this morning. Are you sure you're alright?"
He looked at her with the saddest expression she had ever seen on his face. "I'm… fine, Delia." He took her into his arms and held her tight, breathing in the scent of her hair. "I'll miss you more than I could ever describe in mere words."
She looked up into his eyes. "You'll be back tomorrow. Until then, when you miss me, hold onto my heart." She smiled at him hopefully, but she only earned a sorrowful smile in return.
"I love you, Delia. More than anything. You know that, don't you?"
"Yes, Alistair. And I love you. I believe in you and your strength. You will be back home with me tomorrow night. You have to believe that too." Tears started to flow from her eyes.
"Alright. I will believe… for you." He kissed away her tears before claiming her lips one final time. Then he walked out the door without looking back.
She watched as the door closed behind him, then burst into tears. Something about this mission into the Deep Roads had him more anxious than she had ever seen him before, and she didn't understand any of it. She needed answers, and the only place she might find them was in the library.
Delia walked purposefully to the library. Griffon noticed her as she walked past the study, and the big, grey dog lazily stood up, yawned, and followed her. He settled down next to the fireplace as Delia searched through the books for anything that would teach her about the Deep Roads.
Delia was so entrenched in her research that she had no idea the length of time that elapsed when she heard someone behind her clear their throat. She turned around to find Trent, holding a serving platter with two bowls of soup, some bread and various cheeses and dried fruit. He smiled warmly at her when her stomach growled appreciatively seeing the food.
"I see you are hungry, even if you didn't realize it," he said with a chuckle as he set the platter on the desk.
"I didn't even realize it was lunchtime, to be honest," she answered as she pulled a second chair to the desk.
"You've been busy. Anything I can do to help?"
"Maybe. I've been trying to learn whatever I can about the Deep Roads, but I can't figure out what has Alistair so upset. I realize they'll most likely have to kill hundreds of darkspawn in there, but there's something else… I just don't know what he's hiding."
"Well, I don't know how much good I'll be in your research, but I'll do what I can. I have a fair understanding of the written word." He smiled warmly and reached out to touch her hand. "I'm sure that everything will work itself out with Alistair. Personally, I think the poor lad loves you so much that he doesn't know how to figure out his own feelings."
She smiled at him as she bit into a piece of cheese. She tossed a piece to Griffon, who thumped his tail on the floor in appreciation. Trent called Dusty into the room to make sure the mabari was fed as well, and then they spent the afternoon looking through dwarven history books. By the time dinner drew near, Delia closed the book she had located about Aeducan Thaig and sighed.
"I can't see anything in these texts that would explain Alistair's mood. It's all battles and politics of the past…" Delia was visibly frustrated.
"Could it be a warden thing?" Trent looked at her inquiringly.
She raised an eyebrow as Griffon whined softly. "Yes… perhaps there are some Grey Warden books here somewhere. I think that's what we should look for next."
Trent's stomach growled. "I think that can wait until tomorrow. Right now we need to take care of these very patient dogs and then get ready for dinner. Deirdre would be very upset with us if we miss the meal!"
Delia laughed. "Yes, she would. She does so much for us, and I don't want to have her feel slighted in any way. Let's take the dogs outside for a short walk."
They made their way to the foyer – a trip made difficult because of the two massive dogs that bounded around their legs in circles. Once they finally got to the door they put on their heavy cloaks and took the dogs into the freezing cold. The sky was clear and the stars were brilliant against the black dome above them. As Delia stood, looking at the beautiful display, she thought about the night Alistair proposed to her. Just then she saw a shooting star, just like the one they had seen that night in the Dalish camp. Somehow the sight of the meteor lifted her heart, and she felt that things would indeed work out.
When Delia, Trent and the dogs went back inside it was just the right time for dinner. They quickly hung their cloaks up and went to the dining room only to find a surprise waiting for them. Sten was there, sitting and waiting for the meal to begin.
"Sten, what are you doing here? Where are the others?" Delia looked around, panic threatening to take over.
"The wardens told me to return here to Warden House. There was a dwarf named Oghren who led them into the Deep Roads. He had been there before, and the wardens felt his experience would be an asset in accomplishing their goal."
Delia frowned. She would have felt more at ease if Sten were with the others. She trusted the warrior's skill and dedication, and she knew that Sten would never abandon them. Not knowing the dwarf who had taken his place for the mission made her ill at ease. She tried to keep up a brave front, but there were members of their group that noticed, most notably Trent.
Trent easily saw the shadow cross over her face and knew that her anxiety had grown. Somehow he needed to find a way to ease her mind, but he really didn't know what to do. He was raised as a soldier and never spent a lot of time with women. There was no easy logical explanation as to why Alistair had been acting strangely, and trying to soothe his daughter without any idea as to what was actually happening would be difficult.
The group ate their meal with everyone conversing normally, although Delia was more quiet than usual. She picked at her food, finding her appetite had disappeared. When the meal was finished, Delia excused herself, telling Trent she would see him at breakfast the following day, and she retreated to her room.
Once there, she readied herself for bed and spent some time in prayer. She asked the Maker to keep the wardens and their traveling companions safe, but she asked Andraste herself to help Alistair resolve whatever was troubling him.
The following day, Delia and Trent spent most of their time researching again. It surprised them that there were very few books about Grey Wardens in the Warden House library. They only found three books that had anything to do with the wardens. One was a history of famous wardens and their accomplishments. The second was more of an art history book explaining the symbolism of the art and architecture of Weisshaupt Fortress. The third was an ancient tome from one of the gryphon keepers, describing in detail how to best raise and train gryphons. All in all, the afternoon was frustrating and disappointing.
Trent suggested they take the dogs for a walk to clear their minds. It was midafternoon, and he reminded Delia that the wardens were expected to return by dinner. She agreed to take a walk, and watching the two dogs as they frolicked in the snow helped to lighten her spirits, even if it was only a little bit. Trent found some sticks, and the two took turns throwing them for the dogs to retrieve. After spending the better part of an hour outside, they decided to return to Warden House to warm up.
When they walked inside, Deirdre heard them and after she helped them remove their cloaks, she shepherded them into the study to sit and warm themselves near the fire. As they sat there, warming their hands, Deirdre brought them mugs of hot cider. Delia happily drank the hot liquid, becoming a bit warmer with each sip.
Once they both finished their beverages, Trent turned to his daughter. Putting a smile on his face, he reached over and squeezed Delia's hand. "My dear, I think you should go to your room and take a hot bath. After you finish, you should make yourself beautiful for Alistair. You should look your best for him, when he gets home."
She looked at the floor as she tried to smile in return. "You are probably right. I should look nice for him. A nice, hot bath would certainly feel good."
"Then go… pamper yourself for awhile. If you need me for anything, you can send Griff after me. I'm going to check the horses as soon as I feel ready to battle the cold again." He smiled warmly at her. "Take your time and relax."
She nodded at him, stood and gave him a kiss on the cheek as she left the room. Once she was in her room, she started filling the tub as she removed her clothes. Once the tub was filled with steaming hot water, she settled herself into the water with a sigh and tried to think only relaxing thoughts. She started by remembering a wonderful picnic her teacher, Justine, had arranged one year for her and Dairren's fifteenth birthday. It was warm and the sky was a brilliant blue. All the girls from the school were fawning over her brother, making Delia snicker as she teased him.
Thinking about Dairren brought a smile to her face, but then realizing she would never see her dear brother again made her sigh in sadness. Somehow she needed to think of happy things… things that would make her relax. As she washed her hair, Delia tried thinking of her new friends, but that inevitably brought her thoughts back to Alistair. As she tried unsuccessfully to push her anxiety away, the water started to feel cold.
She climbed out of the tub, dried herself off and put on a warm dressing gown while she brushed out her hair. Her hair was so tangled for some reason, so she took her time working out the many snarls, concentrating on keeping the pain of pulling her hair to a minimum. Once the tangles were out, she decided to brush one hundred strokes with the brush, the way her mother had taught her as a small child. It helped her relax by performing the simple ritual, and once she was finished she dressed in a pair of soft leather breeches and a warm wool tunic. As she looked in the mirror, she frowned at the image reflected back. Her hair just seemed wrong somehow, so she decided to braid the two sides and attach them in the back.
Finally she deemed herself to be presentable and walked to her door. When she opened it, she was shocked to see Aeden across the hallway opening his door.
"Aeden! When did you get back?" she smiled as she rushed across the corridor to hug her adopted brother.
He returned her hug warmly. "Not long ago, only a few minutes really."
"Where's Alistair?"
"I'm not certain… he was looking for Trent. Said he needed to speak to him about something. I'm certain he'll be along any minute…"
His last words fell on deaf ears as Delia rushed off down the hallway to the stairs. She knew that Trent would be in the stable, so she grabbed her cloak and started out toward the horses. As she approached the large barn door, she noticed it was ajar and she heard Alistair speaking to Trent, sounding very distressed. Delia moved to the entrance, deciding to eavesdrop.
"With everything we have to face, all I can think is that it is for the best to break my betrothal to Delia."
She was shocked. Alistair wanted to break their betrothal? Stifling a sob, she turned and hurried back to the house. She threw her cloak onto the railing in the foyer and rushed to her room, throwing herself onto the bed before bursting into tears.