Chapter 59: Resolution
The Deep Roads had been awful for Alistair. Not only did he miss Delia with every fiber of his being, but his longing for her companionship had grown to where he was having thoughts that were not becoming for a gentleman raised in the Chantry. Maker knew that he wanted her in every sense of the word, but he was having second thoughts.
He knew that wardens basically lived a long term death sentence. The Joining ceremony made them ingest the blood of the darkspawn, which if they survived initially would eventually turn them into the beasts they sought to destroy in twenty five to thirty years. Eventually their bodies would turn, and they would hear the call of the darkspawn, leading them to the Deep Roads where they traditionally would sacrifice themselves killing as many darkspawn as possible before the monsters would overwhelm them.
Could he ask Delia to live that death sentence with him? He knew that he couldn't possibly allow her to partake in the Joining. To watch her die from the tainted blood would be unbearable, but how could he explain it to her without divulging the secrets of the wardens? Could he release her from her promise to marry him? The thought of not marrying her was tearing him apart.
During their time in the Deep Roads, Alistair took the opportunity when they camped to talk to Aeden. His fellow warden was a tremendous help, more so than Alistair thought he would be. Aeden knew Delia well, and he felt that Alistair could trust her with warden secrets. She was, after all, a recruit, and Aeden felt that she would be relieved to know why Alistair had been so upset. He didn't think she would want to be parted from Alistair as it was obvious how much she truly loved him.
Once they were finally back safely at Warden House, Alistair decided he needed to speak to Trent to get his thoughts on the matter. He was Delia's father, and Aeden agreed that he could be made privy to some of the warden secrets. When they entered the house, he asked Gorshep if he had seen Trent. The dwarf replied the soldier was taking care of the horses. Alistair thanked him and went out to the stable.
"Ser Trent… may I speak to you? It's about Delia…" Alistair sat on a hay bale and ran his fingers through his hair nervously.
Trent finished brushing the horse and sat across from Alistair. "Of course, Alistair. What's on your mind?"
"Well… I've been doing a lot of thinking. You know how much I love Delia. I want to marry her more than anything… actually I never really wanted anything before she came into my life. I never had the right to want anything. I thought that becoming a Grey Warden was the greatest thing that could ever possibly happen to me, but then, somehow, there she was… and my life hasn't been the same since I first saw her smile at me that day in Ostagar."
He looked around nervously. "There are several things about Grey Wardens that don't exactly make us ideal as spouses…" He sighed and looked at the ground. "First, the Joining Ceremony itself is more likely to kill you than spare you. I can't tell you specifically why or how, but we take the taint of the darkspawn inside ourselves which gives us certain abilities at the expense of a much shortened life. At the end of that life, we hear the darkspawn calling to us, and traditionally we travel to the Deep Roads to kill as many darkspawn as we can until the horde overwhelms and kills us. Wardens only have twenty five years or so from their Joining, of course if they don't die earlier in battle."
He looked at Trent with a face that reflected his despair. "I cannot allow Delia to take the Joining. It would destroy me if she died from it. But she will hate me for not allowing her to become a full Grey Warden."
Trent nodded. "I do believe she'll understand, Alistair."
"Yes, but then there's another side effect of being a warden… it is unlikely that I can have children. She would be a wonderful mother. Would it be fair of me to deprive her of that experience?"
He again looked at the ground before saying in a near whisper, "With everything we have to face, all I can think is that it is for the best to break my betrothal to Delia. It would be doing her a favor, actually. However, I am selfish and cannot imagine a life without her. Is it wrong of me to marry her? Or should I release her and hope she can find happiness and a family with someone who can give her a more normal life?"
Trent chuckled. "Oh, Alistair… you don't know her as well as you think you do. My daughter has never had a so called normal life. She knows too well what happens when you cannot be with the one you love… she saw how her mother deteriorated over the years when we were not permitted to be together. Delia would rather have five minutes with you in bliss than a lifetime of regret and heartache without you. I know this from my own experience."
Trent walked over to the young warden and put his hands on his shoulders. Looking warmly at him, he tried to reassure him. "Go to Delia. Tell her exactly what you have told me and give her the option of breaking the betrothal. I bet you that she tells you in no uncertain terms that she will never leave you for any reason. You should have seen how she's been fretting over your poor mood for the past few days!"
Alistair looked up at the soldier and smiled the first real smile he had shown in days. "Did she really? Maker knows that I couldn't have missed her more."
Trent laughed. "Then get yourself inside and find her, man! Don't make her wait any longer!"
Alistair looked at him, a very serious expression on his face. "Trent, I want to marry her… as soon as possible. Would you, as her father, have any objection if we were to marry, say… tomorrow?"
"How can you arrange that, Alistair? We're at Orzammar, and it's not exactly Chantry central, what with their belief of the stone and all…"
Alistair smiled again. "Well, one of the benefits of being a warden is that you have a certain amount of respect from a lot of different people. The dwarves respect the wardens for their bravery with battling the darkspawn, and so they listen to us. There is a surface dwarf we met, named Brother Burkel…"
"Brother Burkel?" Trent looked at him with his eyebrow raised.
"Yes, a dwarven brother of the Chantry. He asked the Shaperate to be allowed to have prayer meetings, and because we as wardens asked on his behalf he's been allowed to open a small Chantry."
Trent smiled broadly. "I have no objections at all, lad. If you get the good brother to perform the ceremony I'll gladly take on the role of father of the bride!"
Alistair stood up with a smile and grasped his arm in a warrior handshake. "Then I'd best be going. And Trent…"
"Yes?"
"Thank you. I mean it… I never had a father, and you've been so gracious to me. I appreciate all the advice you give to me."
Trent smiled broadly. "Any time, Alistair. Of course, it helps that you have been such a gentleman with my daughter. You have earned my trust and respect, and it is my honor to help you in any way I can."
Alistair hurried back into the house, took off his cloak and walked into the study. Most of the group members were in the room, but there was no sign of Delia so he looked in the library. When she wasn't there either he went upstairs to her room and knocked on the door.
"Delia? Are you there?" he called through the door.
Delia panicked. She was not ready to speak to him, given that he was going to break their betrothal, so she quietly moved to the far side of the bed from the door and hid from view. She ducked down just in time to avoid Alistair as he opened the door to see if she was asleep. When he didn't see her on the bed he closed the door and headed back downstairs.
Delia sighed in relief and remained sitting on the floor. She hugged her knees to her chest as she cried as quietly as she could.
Alistair went back downstairs and asked his friends if anyone had seen Delia. No one had seen her since much earlier in the afternoon, so he walked over to Griffon.
"Griffon, would you help me, please? I can't find Delia, but I bet you can."
The dog slowly stood up and stretched, then licked Alistair's hand and walked to the stairs. Alistair followed the dog as he led the warden back to Delia's door.
Alistair stood at the door confused. "Are you certain, Griff? I looked in here just before I found you in the study."
The deer hound woofed softly and gently scratched at the door. Alistair called to Delia once again, only to be met with silence again. He opened the door and the dog walked into the room and around the end of the bed, standing on the far side wagging his tail. Alistair heard the sound of fabric moving so he moved inside the room, finally seeing Delia as she tried to push the dog away.
"Delia? Are you alright? I've been looking all over for you, and if I didn't know better I would think you were avoiding me." He walked over to her hiding place and offered her his hand to help her stand.
She ignored the extended hand and instead hugged her knees to her chest again, burying her face into her thighs. "It could be because I am avoiding you," she said as her sobs returned.
Alistair was visibly upset. "But why? What happened?"
Delia looked up at him and anger flashed over her face. "Because I overheard you! You intend to break our betrothal. I don't know what I've done to deserve it, but I won't force you to marry me since you don't want me."
Alistair knelt on the floor next to her and pulled her into his arms. "Oh, no… no Delia… what did you overhear?"
"You said it would be for the best if you broke our betrothal. And don't lie to me, I heard you say it to Trent in the stable. You didn't even have the nerve to speak to me about it." Her sobs grew louder, and he pulled her even closer.
"Oh, my darling… what you heard was my own confusion and fears… that isn't what I want. Please, come sit with me and I'll explain everything."
Gently he helped her stand and led her to the chairs next to the fireplace. After having her sit, he knelt in front of her, holding her hands in his own.
"Delia, I've been so confused. It started when Gorshep told us about Griffon's owner going to his Calling. Do you have any idea what the Calling is?"
She shook her head. "I thought he was called by Weisshaupt for some reason. Why? What is it?"
Alistair sighed. "There are so many warden secrets you don't know, but I think you need to know. Promise me that what I tell you will not leave this room?"
She nodded and looked into his eyes. He ran his hand through his hair nervously again before he continued. "I guess the best place to start is with the Joining. I'm going to say to you now that I do not want you to take the Joining. Not… ever."
She looked at him with fear and confusion. "Why not? I've worked so hard to prove myself and I thought I had earned the respect of both you and Aeden? What have I done wrong?"
"You've done nothing wrong at all, my love. I simply can't bear the thought of your partaking in the ritual. You have to… drink a concoction containing darkspawn blood. That is what gives us our famous stamina as well as allow us to sense the darkspawn. The biggest problem with the Joining is that many people die as soon as they drink." Delia looked shocked as Alistair continued speaking. "I couldn't bear it if you were to die. Especially not that way."
She looked at him and nodded sadly. "I can understand that. But why don't you want to marry me? If you love me that much…"
He grabbed her shoulders. "It's precisely because I love you so much that I have been debating releasing you from out betrothal. There are… other bad things about being a warden." He released her and stood up, walking to the fireplace. He placed his hand on the mantel and looked into the fire. "The taint eventually will kill me. It will take twenty five to thirty years, but someday my body will not be able to fight it anymore. It will start to… turn me into one of the monsters I am sworn to fight. You know about our nightmares… they get worse. We start to… hear the darkspawn call to us, hence the term 'Calling'. That's when we know that it's time for us to go to the Deep Roads and kill darkspawn until they kill us."
Delia was shocked and bewildered. "So, does that mean you are, in a sense, darkspawn already?"
He looked sadly at her. "My understanding is no, we simply have their taint inside of us. But our lives are a living death sentence. We all know that we will die in battle, one way or another, and we will not live to old age. If we marry, someday you will be a widow, one way or another."
"Unless I die before you…" she whispered.
He walked back to her and pulled her to standing, then into a hug. "No, I couldn't allow that to happen." He kissed her forehead softly.
"I could go to your Calling with you…"
A look of terror flashed across Alistair's face. "No… I never want you in the Deep Roads. Not ever."
"Why not? You can't expect me to allow you to die by yourself, not when I can be at your side…"
"Delia, when we were in the Deep Roads we learned something about the darkspawn that horrified us. We've often wondered why there haven't been many female wardens, and I think we now know why. The darkspawn take the men that they drag under the surface and they eat them. The women… oh Maker… they turn them in to brood mothers. They are horrendous monsters, with tentacles flailing all around them…" He pulled her tightly against him. "I couldn't bear it if you were captured by those creatures. I love you far too much."
She buried her face into his shoulder. "Then promise me that, should they ever capture me, you will search the Deep Roads until you can find me and put me out of my misery."
He nodded, a sob escaping from his chest.
"Alistair, I still don't understand. You say you love me, and yet you wish to release me? I need to understand." She looked at him, imploring him for a better explanation.
"You deserve the best of everything, and I cannot promise you anything even close to a normal life. We won't grow old together. Because of the taint I may never even be able to…" His voice trailed off with another sob as he pulled her closer against his chest.
"Able to what? What are you talking about?"
"I may never be able to give you children. It is rare for wardens to be able to have any." He released her and walked a few feet away, balled his fist and hit the wall. "You deserve a family. You deserve a life… a full, happy, wonderful life. My mind has been… tormented by me own selfish desires raging against what sort of life I want you to be able to have."
Delia moved behind him and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. "And what are your selfish desires?"
He turned to face her and took her hands into his. "I want to marry you. I want to ravish you… wake up to you… be with you. I never want to be separated from you."
"That is what I want as well. Alistair, I don't care if we only have an hour where we are happily married. At least I would be able to look back and remember that I was married to the most wonderful man in all Thedas, even if it was only for a short while. I don't know what a normal life is because I have never had one. As far as children… that is a matter for the Maker to decide, not us. I would be thrilled to have your children, but if the Maker decides that I cannot, I have to accept that." She placed her hand on his cheek and looked deeply into his eyes. "Alistair, I do not want to break our betrothal. What I want is to be your wife. Please don't give up on us."
He smiled warmly at her and kissed the palm of her hand. "Now, see, that's the part of my talk with Trent that you obviously missed. Delia, will you marry me tomorrow?"
She was surprised. "Tomorrow? But how? There isn't a Chantry nearby…"
"Ah, but that is no longer true. The dwarves have a Chantry as of yesterday when we helped Brother Berkel gain permission. I've already spoken to him, and he would be more than happy to perform the ceremony… if you will have me still."
Delia threw her arms around his neck and started to kiss his face all over. "Yes, Alistair! I will marry you tomorrow!"
He picked her up and swung her around, both of them giggling. "Alright then, I guess we'd better let everyone know!"
The two made their way down the stairs, carefully avoiding being tripped by a very happy and excited deer hound, who's barking was bound to get everyone's attention. Suddenly everything seemed like it would be fine, after all the sadness his new mistress had been under, and Griffon couldn't be happier.