Chapter Two - I Never Meant To Do Those Things To You

This was hell. No, not exactly. This was worse than hell. This was how Belle from the Beauty and the Beast must have felt: trapped with a monster and there was no way to get out.

Her hands in her trousers' pockets, Lily walked through the corridor, replaying the morning on the Hogwarts Express.

She had been full of joy, being the new Head Girl. Oh, so eager to meet her Head Boy, so excited. Maybe it was Remus after all, who knew? But two Gryffindors? Highly unlikely. Anyway, Lily was the first to be in the compartment, waiting impatiently for the new Prefects and her Head Boy. After half an hour, every Prefect was there but still, no sight of her Head Boy. Maybe he was already fulfilling his duties; maybe he had caught someone doing something. Maybe he had even caught... Potter. It was Potter. And he was late. What in Merlin's name made Dumbledore think that James Potter would be a good and trustworthy Head Boy?

It has been quite a shock, from which Lily was still suffering as she followed Potter deeper into the castle.

The sun was setting, painting the outside of Hogwarts a beautiful red and orange. The hilltops were illuminated with sunrays, nearly sparkling. Inside the castle however, Lily was not paying attention to what happened outside the huge windows.

Patrolling with Potter would be awful. She was sure of it. He would spend every waking second asking her out, boasting, showing off.

Just... wait a second. They have been patrolling for over half an hour now and Potter had not said a single word. The realization hit her hard, so hard she even forgot to walk. He was still, quiet. His hands, too, were stuffed in his pockets, his head hanging lower than usually. From what Lily could see – which was only his back – she would say he even looked sad.

"Evans, come on, please." James sighed and turned around to face her. There it was again, the feeling that he was sort of sad. His eyes looked sadder than ever. Maybe someone told him that he wasn't as pretty as he thought. But she wasn't going to give in to that. Never.

"This is gonna be a very long year for us. And as we'll spend most of our evenings together patrolling the castle, let me just say one thing: I truly am sorry." James sighed.

"You... what?" She stared at him in disbelieve, shaking her head slightly. "What sort of sick joke's that?"

"No joke at all. I'm so sorry for what I did in fifth year. It's my fault you lost your best friend."

"I... what?" She was baffled, again. Why did he do that? Just why? He was such an arse, he was. Doing nothing but hurting people. Why did he bring up Severus? Why did he bring up that day and why did he feel the need to apologize to her? There was nothing to apologize for. At least not to her. He should apologize to Severus for making his life a living hell.

"Evans, stop thinking about the meaning of life and the universe", James smirked, "just listen to me. Please. Sit down." He gestured towards a small bench just at the foot of the stairs. Without waiting for her, he jumped down the last two steps.

A bit confused, Lily followed him down the stairs but did not sit down next to him. Instead, she was standing right in front of James, crossing her arms over her chest, blowing a lost string of hair out of her eyes.

"Potter, explain yourself."

"I love it when you talk dirty, Evans." He wiggled his eyebrows in this stupid way of his. Not funny at all.

"Right then", he said as he watched her stern face, "I'll continue. I want to apologize. I have to. I'm the reason you lost your best friend. If I hadn't provoked Snivellus, if I hadn't turned him upside-down, if you wouldn't have tried to help him, he'd have never called you a... a you-know-what."

"A Mudblood. Say it out loud, Potter. I'm a Mudblood."

"You are a brilliant witch, Evans. The most brilliant one. Very good at Potions, extremely good at Charms. Extraordinary. No-one has the right to call you a you-know-what. Especially not your best friend. Look..." James sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

He often did it. Ruffled up his hair. Thought it would make him look cooler. As if. It just made him look stupid.

"I truly am sorry. If I could go back in time and undo what I did, I would. I'd not let him call you that word. I'd make sure that you'd not lose your friend."

"You hate him."

"I don't hate him. I hate his believes, I hate the way he behaves and I hate the way he talks and walks and smells and looks. But I don't hate the him him, if you get what I mean. He's a Death Eater. With 15 he was just on the verge of becoming one. I always thought maybe you could help him, rescue him, keep him from the Dark Magic, from Lord Voldemort."

Lily didn't flinch at the mentioning of his name. Why should she be afraid of a name? A name was nothing more than a concept, a wibbly-wobbly concept. He could be called Earl of Pudding for all she cared. It wouldn't make him scarier or any less dangerous.

"You're clever enough to notice, weren't you? You noticed that evil was coming and took him away. I bet he apologized, didn't he?"

"That is none of your business, Potter." Lily snapped at him, trying to stare him down, but had to turn away. She couldn't bear it. Whenever she thought about the way Severus had treated her, whenever she thought about his idiotic idea to join the Death Eaters, whenever she thought about how desperately he had tried to win her over again, she just couldn't bear it.

"So he did. Evans, I know it's been a while since the incident. And I can imagine that it still hurts. I could never forgive my friends for a thing like that. Just like you never forgave him. He called you a you-know-what once and he'll call others one, too. You know that, don't you? Is that why you couldn't forgive him?"

"We should get going, Potter. It's getting late and I don't want to spend the rest of the night here with you. We've duties to fulfil."

He was impossible. How dare he say those things? How dare he try to understand her?

"You're right. Sorry. I didn't mean to keep you away from homework or your friends. Apologies." James stood up and began walking, quickly followed by Lily. She had no idea what to make of it. On the one hand, she wanted to talk to him about it, tell him how much it had hurt her, how badly Severus had begged for forgiveness. She wanted to tell him not because she wanted someone to know. She actually wanted James Potter to understand her.

On the other hand... it was Potter. She could never talk to Potter like that. What if it was all just a trick? Trying to lure her into trusting him, so he had something on her. To threaten her or whatever other cruel thing he could come up with. He was very creative in these sorts of activities.

It didn't take them very long to check the rest of their area. They were back before Midnight, having been fast and not talking at all.

"Evans, just a second, please." James softly held her back before she could climb into the Gryffindor Common Room.

"What do you want now, Potter?"

"I just want to say, again, that I'm very sorry for what I've caused and I know I am the reason for the pain you went through after your friendship with Snivellus broke. I'm truly sorry. I've been a foolish young boy with nothing on my mind than to live and laugh. I'm sorry you had to suffer. I never meant to do those things to you." With those words he let go of her shoulder, stepping aside so she could enter the room. Slightly confused, she made her way into her dormitory without looking back at James.

"Hey there. Long day, wasn't it?" Marlene smiled at Lily and pulled her onto her own bed, cuddling her best friend. "I bet being on and about with James Freaking Potter wasn't as much fun as most girls would think, was it?"

"It was weird. Really weird."

"I still can't understand why Dumbledore considered him to be a good fit. He's unreliable, unfriendly, selfish and arrogant. How's he ever supposed to keep students in bed if all he does is being out of bed himself? That makes no sense at all. I bet him and the Marauders are already off to new adventures in the night."

"No idea..." Lily sighed and cuddled up to her friend. "You know, I might even think he could be responsible. Nah, not really responsible. But I guess the students would actually listen to him. Maybe because the girls think if they obey, he'll kiss them."

"He only has eyes for you, dearest Lily Flower", Marlene told her in her sweetest voice.

"Oh shut it. He hasn't asked me out since the end of last school year."

"Not even today? Would've been the perfect opportunity. Just you and him, all alone in the big castle at night, no-one around to disturb you, the light of the setting sun following you around, highlighting your flawless hair..."

"Marlene, I'm warning you."

"Sorry." She chuckled and ruffled Lily's hair. "I hope you're glad he didn't ask. Though it would be okay if you weren't. I'm okay with it if you ever decide to like him back. He's good-looking, sportive, intelligent, popular... quite a catch, actually. And he tries so hard to take you on a date."

"Asking me every day isn't trying very hard. Besides, I really can't stand him. You know what he did today?"

"Not asking you out."

"I... stop that! Stop trying to push me into mentioning dates and Potter in the same sentence."

"Okay, sorry. What did he do today?"

"He apologized."

"Well, that's new. What for? Did he accidentally hit you or something?"

"I would've hit back." Lily shook her head and ran her fingers through her red hair. "He apologized because he thinks it's his fault that Severus called me a Mudblood in fifth year."

Lily was sort of amused at the sight of Marlene's shocked face. "He did what? That... I can't... he really said that?"

"Oh yes. And not once, no. He seemed to be serious about it. Truthful. He said that if he hadn't hexed Severus, I wouldn't have tried to defend him and Severus wouldn't have called me a Mudblood."

"Do you believe him?"

"I find it kind of hard to believe anything Potter says. But he did seem to be sorry... Said he never meant to hurt me. That he wished he could go back in time to un-do it."

"Did you tell him that Snape's action was just the final straw and that you've had actually distanced yourself from him by then?"

"I didn't. There's no need for him to know."

"Lily..." Marlene took her friend's face softly between her hands. "Lils. If Potter is honest about it, if he really beats himself up because he hurt you, then you need to tell him. I know you can't stand him but you can't let him live with the thought that he hurt you in such a way. Would you like to live with such a thing?"

"No... But I don't want to talk to him. Not more than necessary."

"Do it. For me. I'll wait here and when you come back, I'll let you braid my hair."

Lily chuckled and nodded. "A tempting offer! You know I love braiding! I surrender! I'll talk to him if he's still in the Common Room."

"Good girl." Marlene kissed her friend's forehead and sent her off, down the stairs.

The Common Room was nearly empty. James was still there, sitting in an armchair by the fireplace, buried into homework. It has been the first day, they had just arrived, so it couldn't be homework, Lily told herself. Maybe some plan to fuck up some students. But then again, if it would be a prank, wouldn't the other Marauders be with him? Didn't they spend every waking minute with each other? Especially Potter and Black, who were inseparable.

The fire was nearly burned down, the last flames crackling red and orange, as Lily slowly moved towards James. She considered being so silent that she could read whatever was written on his sheets. If it was a prank, she could stop him. And that would give her a great deal of satisfaction.

"No need, Evans. You can't sneak up on a Marauder", he said softly, with a hint of amusement in his voice. James turned around to face her. "I am allowed to be here and do some homework. You can check with the rules. Plus, I am Head Boy. If you tell me off, I tell you off. If I'm not supposed to be down here, neither are you."

"I'm not here to tell you off, Potter." Lily hesitated. Should she actually talk to him about Severus? Could she trust him? She really wasn't sure about all of this. After a few moments of an inner fight, she sat down opposite of James.

"About what you said earlier, being sorry and everything... do you mean it? Do you truly believe it was your fault I fell out with Severus?"

"I believe I pushed him towards saying it. I believe you two could still be friends if it wasn't for me. But I also believe he's so involved in Dark Arts by now, that at the beginning of this year you wouldn't be his friend anymore anyway. But then it would've been your own decision, nothing which was forced upon you due to my behaviour."

"It was the tip of the iceberg. The Mudblood. I've noticed the change in him, the friends who weren't good for him, the involvement in Dark Arts. I thought it was just a phase. He tried to apologize. Begged me for days and weeks. Said he didn't mean it. Of course he did. He'd call anyone of my heritage a Mudblood. I can't be friends with a racist."

"And you can't be friends with me, either. So basically there are two types of people you cannot befriend: racists and Marauders."

"I'm sort of friends with Remus."

"Sort of." James laughed a soft laugh. "Evans, I'm sorry, but you don't know the slightest thing about him or his family or his character. All you know is that he doesn't hex students as much as I do. Did. Do. Did. I don't know. Did, I guess."

She looked at him, all confused. Did he just tell her that he didn't plan on bullying anymore? Then again, he got better towards the end of last year. So maybe he was changing. About time, too.

"Don't take it personally, but stop speaking about my friends. Any one of them. You don't know them and never will, since we are Marauders and you don't talk to us. You despise us and that is perfectly fine. Remus quite likes you, but friends? Nah. Acquaintances, I'll give you that."

James shrugged and ran a hand through his hair before adjusting his glasses. They kept slipping of his nose. Maybe he thought it'd look cool to always push them up. It didn't.

"Anyway, I truly am sorry for your loss. He meant a great deal to you, though he's a complete idiot. I'm glad you got away from him, for your own sake, your health and maybe even your life. Imagine him becoming stronger and stronger, Voldemort becoming more powerful. Imagine what the Death Eaters would do to you and maybe even to Snivellus, if he would then still be involved with you. They would rip you apart. No mercy, not at all."

He gave her the creeps, he really did. Why did he have to turn all serious and mature? That was not the Potter she knew and she wasn't quite sure if the new one was any better than the old one.

"What are you doing here anyway? You lied to me, you can't be doing homework. We've just arrived this evening." Lily snatched away the top sheet, looking at it. Oddly enough, James didn't try to get it back. She saw him leaning back in his armchair, closing his eyes, while her eyes were running over the letters and sentences. Lily quickly scanned everything before placing the sheet back onto the stack of papers.

A list of requirements to become an Auror. She never knew he had intentions in becoming one. She never considered him. It had always been her dream to be one, ever since she had been told that it existed. She wanted to fight Voldemort herself. As a Mudblood. But Potter? It seemed rather out of place. He was the athlete, not the brainy.

"Well... just don't make a mess or wake up the others, understand me?" Lily rose from the chair, walking back to the stairs.

"Oh, and Potter? Thank you for the apology. I do appreciate it. You were not the reason I broke up the friendship. You were merely a little bird in a swarm of birds, which were all chirping rather loudly to let go of this relationship of mine. Don't beat yourself up. Though I don't think you'll ever do that. Way too full of yourself, Potter, way too much."

It might have sounded mean, but Lily couldn't make him a compliment and be thankful without teasing him. He was a prick and he needed to be reminded that one little act of kindness towards her didn't change her whole picture of him.