Chapter Three - All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand
The sun had not yet set as Lily put away her Potions essay and sighed, running her fingers through her thick, red hair.
"I really don't want to go, Marlene."
"Well, you have to, my love. You haven't seen him since this morning, it's about time you two get together again. You told me yourself, he's been quite a gentleman lately."
"He apologized. And then, the last few days, he didn't talk about it again. Didn't really talk at all."
"Maybe he was just tired. Some people get tired when the moon starts to wane. Full moon was 13 days ago, maybe he's still tired from that. I've seen him tired around full moon rather often last year. Maybe it's too bright for him or something like that." Marlene shrugged her shoulders, going back to her essay.
"Tell me again, Lils, what am I supposed to write here? Slughorn loves you, I'm sure if you give me a hint, I'll get a better grade..."
Lily rolled her eyes but still kissed her friend on the cheek. "Lovely, you need to write about the use of Re'em blood and in which potions it'd be best to use."
"So... what does the blood do again?"
Lily sighed, again, rolling her eyes. Again. That was just so Marlene. Her head in the clouds, her heart on her tongue and that's why Lily loved her so much. Even if she wasn't the most attentive listener in school, when it came to her friends, Marlene always gave the best advice.
"You should listen, you know? Sometimes it's rather helpful. The blood's said to give the one who drank it immense strength."
"Physically or mentally?"
"That you may find out for yourself. Because I need to head off now. I promised Potter to meet him at the stairs next to the Great Hall."
"Awww, a date!" Marlene chuckled and poked her friend lovingly. "Okay, I promise I won't make fun of it again. You're just doing your job, nothing else."
"Exactly. I'm fulfilling my duties and so is Potter. He's actually doing quite a good job. I'm impressed. Although he constantly allows his Marauders to run around the castle. We met them yesterday and Potter had a small chat with them, letting them go. I argued with him but he refused to listen to me." Lily shook her head. "Of all the people, why Potter? I'd love to hear Dumbledore's explanation."
"I'm sure he has a good one. And the Marauders...They are the Marauders, Lily. No-one can stop them. Better they walk around the castle freely than secretly using trap doors or whatever."
"Yeah, you might be right. Anyway, I'm heading off. Have fun with your essay and don't copy mine!"
"I won't!" But Lily knew the look on Marlene's face. She would copy most of it anyway. It was her own fault, leaving her essay in the Common Room, right next to her friend. Lily didn't mind. It was Potions and that was not everyone's cup of tea. She loved it, though. Although two days ago, she had been paired with Potter and he'd managed to blow everything up. The potion had been very hard to brew and he had ruined everything within seconds.
Lily tried not to think about the incident; she didn't want the evening to start off with her in a bad mood. Though upon seeing Potter, she was sure that 'happy' wasn't the mood she'd be in by the end of the evening.
"So, Evans. Good evening. Nice to meet you again. Looking good tonight. Is that a new dress you're wearing? Especially for me?" James grinned at her, as Lily reached the appointed meeting point.
Lily just rolled her eyes at his smirk. "Shut it, Potter. Just because we had a moment a few days ago doesn't mean I've changed my opinion about you. You're still a prick."
"Ouch. That hurt, Evans." He slightly nudged her shoulder while walking up the stairs, keeping his pace slow. She knew he usually walked rather fast, nearly ran up every stair there was. Question was: why the hell did she know that? Why did she pay attention to it? She only did in the last few days, after their first patrol. Lily would love to scold herself for looking out for James. Since the particular first evening, she caught herself more than once trying to spot the familiar messy black hair in the groups of students. And sometimes, when he and the Marauders were hurrying up some stairs, she would stand at the bottom, pretending to listen to Marlene while secretly starring at a specific part of Potter's body.
"You know, you think I'm a prick. And I think you're not as flawless as you'd like to see yourself."
"Excuse me?" Who the hell did he think he was? No, Lily did not see herself as flawless. In fact, she thought about her flaws more and more the closer she got to graduating and deciding on a career, on becoming an Auror. She was perfectly aware of all her flaws.
"You do have flaws. And I love them. I love how you have your tongue between your teeth, touching your bottom lip, whenever you read the political section of the Daily Prophet. I love how you have a different bun every Friday. Today you have a ballerina bun. Maybe next week a braided one? I love the messy ones. You look so gorgeous with messy buns." He smiled at her, this wide and bright smile that could melt any girl's heart within a second. But not hers. Not the heart of Lily Evans. At least she kept telling herself.
"Those aren't flaws, Potter. Those are merely things I do, a routine. Little things."
"So you want to know your flaws?"
"Not really, thank you very much. I know them and I most certainly don't need you to tell me. Can we go back to not talking, please? If you just keep insulting me, I'll ask Professor Dumbledore to assign a different Head Boy."
"You know he won't do that. Also, I'm not insulting you. Not at all. I love your flaws, like I told you before. They're the reason I fell in love with you." In that exact moment, Lily felt as if her heart had dropped. Did he just say that? For real? Did James Potter just say that he loved her?
Lily didn't know what to think, what to do. She began to feel sick, her head was spinning and her mind was all blurry. Instead of accidentally saying or doing something stupid and embarrassing, she decided on being quiet, letting him do the talking.
"I love that you're stubborn, because girls who aren't... well, they bore me to death. I love that you're fierce and strong and such a powerful witch."
"Having a thing for strong women? Oh Potter, like being scolded, don't you?"
"Are you flirting with me, Evans?"
"Most certainly not."
James chuckled and turned around to face her, walking backwards now. "I love that you're always a bit too ambitious, quite an over-achiever. It's a good thing, you know? You want to be the very best, but not on all costs. Your heart's too good for things like that. You're too kind, too lovely. Sometimes you can be a proper smart ass, a know-it-all, though. Bit annoying."
He shrugged his shoulders and smiled, no, beamed at her, with his heart-stealing smile.
"But hey, that's just who you are. I can be just as annoying with my arrogance and my awesome self-esteem. I love that you're picky. You don't take anything, you sort out. People, subjects, interests. You know what you want. And yet, you're quite idealistic, a little dreamer. Oh, how I love watching you in History Of Magic, when you dream away, all caught up in your own little world. I'd love to know what you think about, where your mind is when you wander off. I just love you, I really do. You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"Thing? You're calling me a thing?" She didn't even want to think about the fact that James Potter had just confessed his love for her. Twice. Because she didn't know how to handle it. Shout at him? What for? He was probably being honest, from what she could tell. There was no mean glance in his eyes, no mischief. And usually, when he was talking bullshit, one could tell. His eyes, much like her own, could write stories. So he must be telling the truth. She couldn't cope with it, went to the only thing she knew, the only way she interacted with James: bickering and fighting. Insulting and keeping a safe distance.
"Yes, I am." He smirked at her. "Because I think Hippogriffs are freaking beautiful to look at. The colour of their fur and feathers, the softness of it. Because I think some doors in Hogwarts are beautiful to look at. Their colour, the carvings in them, the meaning behind it and the history a door can tell. Because I think some wand movements are beautiful to look at. But you are more beautiful to look at. Though you are not the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. Seen, yes, but not felt."
"Ah, and why is that, Mr Oh-So-Philosophical-Potter?" By now, Lily was both annoyed and hurt. Way to go, making her a compliment and insulting her at once.
"Because there's the friendship I share with Padfoot and Moony and Wormtail. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. The love for you comes close, but it comes with a price: a heart which is constantly broken."
"Stop blabbering, Potter. Straighten up, turn around and hurry, I don't want to be here when the sun starts to rise."
"It might just be a bit too much for you, sorry." He smiled at her, a half-smile with a twist, like he usually does. Though there was sadness to it. Maybe because she didn't respond in the way he hoped she would?
Anyway, Lily was quite glad that he stopped talking and just walked with her around the castle. She didn't want him to talk about her that way. She didn't break anyone's heart. He did all the time. Oh, how many girls she had seen crying because of James Fucking Potter.
When they reached a small corridor with huge windows, James sat down on one of the window sills.
"Just give me a second, okay? I want to look at the moon."
"Why in Merlin's name do you want to look at the moon?"
"Because I like it. I like the waning moon. It gives me a good feeling, as if life would be easy again." There might be another reason Lily could think of, but she didn't say it. She wasn't sure yet. Well, she was quite sure, but she didn't want to share her secret with him. Although it was technically his secret. Or Remus', but she bet her arse that the rest of the Marauders knew.
"You see, the moon is so lovely to look at but nothing compared to the feeling it gives me. Same with you. And just like the moon, you break my heart without even knowing it. Without wanting it, probably. You're not the type of girl to break a guy's heart deliberately. Though you're good at it, I have to admit. Mine and Snivellus'. He's so obsessed with you, Evans. So obsessed."
James shook his head, leaving Lily utterly confused. She didn't break Severus' heart. She ended the friendship for her own good, because it was getting dangerous to be around him. Because he didn't behave like a best friend anymore. Severus surly wasn't obsessed with her.
"Can't you see it?" James asked her as he jumped of the sill and started walking again. His dark hair was illuminated by the rays of moonlight, leaving it to look a bit brown-ish, sparkly. Like a fairytale. Yeah, right. Now she was on the verge of losing her mind. Potter's hair did not look like a fairytale. How does anything even look like a tale? Not possible.
"He's so so obsessed. Because he's so in love and you're his everything. Were his everything. The way he looks at you gives me the creeps. Can you even imagine how afraid I was that you might fall in love with him? That you might even marry him? I'm not saying you should marry me, although you certainly should, because I'm awesome and pretty and sportive and pretty and attractive and pretty and did I mention pretty? Anyway, I'm not saying you should marry me, but I'm saying that you should most certainly not marry Snivellus. You wouldn't be happy. Well, if we leave out the fact that he's a Death Eater, he still wouldn't be a perfect match for you. Too weak. He'd give you everything you'd want, but in a way which is just so... I don't know. He'd speak accordingly to your taste, always having the same opinion. Just wait for it, one day he'll end up with the same Patronus as you have."
"Cut it, Potter. I can't stand him anymore, don't you get it? He's a prick, an arsehole, a Death Eater. But he has his own opinion."
"Yeah. Like following a bunch of guys who just keep killing off people for the sake of not getting killed off himself. Way to have an own opinion. They're even wearing the same masks, the same Dark Marks. They're not individuals. They're machinery, Evans. They're cannon fodder for a War which will never be won nor lost. They're obsessed with the idea of superiority. Just like Snivellus is obsessed with you. He doesn't love you. Maybe he did, a while ago. But the way he acted around you? Obsessed."
"You know that I do my hair in a bun every Friday. Talk about obsession here, Mister."
"I observe. I don't creep. I see, because I love. I made a fool of myself so so many times in front of you. The thing is: I want you to listen to me. To listen to all my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand how I feel for you. And maybe, if you understand, maybe you'll become the most beautiful thing I've ever felt."
Sometimes, Lily really had no idea what to make of all of it. What she should think of him. What she was supposed to think, allowed to think. Allowed to feel. Potter confused her just so much. When did he grow up? When did he become such a gentleman, such a nice young man?
Lily didn't answer. She didn't know what to say, didn't want to break his heart. Just buried her hands in the pockets of her dress, feeling rather downcast.
"Evans... Lily..." James softly placed his hand on her arm to make her stop. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to pressure you or make you think you're supposed to say anything now. You're clearly uncomfortable as fuck right now. If you want to leave and let me patrolling the rest of our area on my own, I'd totally understand. I'm sorry. See, told ya. I always make a fool out of myself in front of you." He smiled a crooked smile. The first time she had ever seen him uncertain about something he'd done. And again, she didn't know how to react to it.
"Leave you alone? More like leave this floor in your hands to mess everything up and probably pull a prank. In your dreams, Potter." Lily shook her head and freed her arm from his light grip, turning away to get on patrolling.
"In my dreams? That's where I'm with you, next to the lake." James quickly followed her.
"You're reading a book about charms, I'm reading about Quidditch. And sometimes you'd look up and kiss me. In my dreams I'm not planning pranks, my dearest Miss Evans." He chuckled slightly, and then went back to not talking again. Just staring at the corridor in front of them, into the darkness.
It was as if she could actually hear his broken heartbeats. Never in her life had she seen him so devastated.