Chapter Five: Love is a game to you, let's not pretend
This evening, Lily was in a particularly good mood. Cheerful, even.
"Lils. You've been smiling the whole day. What happened with you and James that you didn't tell me?"
"Why do you think it has something to do with him?"
"Because you didn't complain about him. It has to do with him. 100 percent sure."
"Oh, alright." Lily chuckled and put down her book.
She was reading Hogwarts: A History for what felt the thousands time in the Common Room while Marlene tried to figure out her Astronomy homework. But somehow she was more interested in Lily's previous evening. And Lily couldn't even be mad at her. She sat up properly and smiled at Marlene.
"You won't believe it but we had a really nice chat yesterday."
Marlene squealed in excitement. "Really? Oh Lils, that's awesome! So you like him?"
"I don't like him that way, Marlene. He's good-looking, though..."
"Well, finally a step into the right direction! You finally realize how hot he is! Not as hot as Sirius, though, but still. So what did you do? What did you talk about?"
"Nothing and everything." Lily sighed happily. She felt like a stupid teenager, sighing and talking about James Freaking Potter, being all happy.
"Nothing and everything? Oh come on, Lils, give me something! I need to know! I'm cheering for you two since forever!"
"I'm not going on dates with him. And I don't plan to ever go out with him. He's still a prick."
"Yeah, I know. King of Toe-Rag-England", Marlene teased her best friend.
"Maybe not the king. Not anymore. Just a prince by now. Anyway, there's really nothing to tell. We had a nice chat, we talked about things... it was really nice and I was quite cheery afterwards."
"It's something." Marlene grinned at her and hugged the red-head, "I hope you have an equally nice evening today. And as you're not into him, I think you might wanna hear some gossip."
"Tell me. I love gossip. As long as it's true. Actually, I don't like gossip. I hate when others are gossiping about me..."
"But it's about James. I know most rumours in this school are about the Marauders. But Shona told me that Klea told her that today she'd seen Ursula flirting with James and James flirting with her. Can you imagine? Ursula and James? I mean... no, just no. I can't see them together. I really don't. Apart from the fact that you and him belong together, Ursula is just not challenging enough for someone like James Potter."
Lily rolled her eyes. "You actually believe he'd flirt with her? He told me just yesterday that he's in love with me. I don't think he'd just flirt with Ursula Dimmer the day after a night like yesterday." Lily also didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to be played with.
"Nah, I think he really loves you, so he wouldn't do it. Don't you have to head off?"
"Oh, you're right! See you soon." She kissed her friend's cheek and grabbed her sweater. It was getting cold, as it was the beginning of October. The castle wasn't heated and Lily was rather sensitive concerning changes of temperature.
James was already waiting outside the Common Room, chatting with his friends and the pretty Hufflepuff Ursula Dimmer. As Lily stepped outside, James didn't even notice her. The Gryffindor girl watched from afar, observing the smile on James' face and Ursula's touch on his arm. Lily felt fire building up inside of her. Sure he loved her. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Literally.
"Fuck, James!" Sirius pointed down on the hem of James' trousers. Small flames were dancing right there, making their way up his legs.
James quickly tried to put them out, cursing a little, while Lily realised what exactly she had done. Though she wouldn't apologize. She didn't want anyone to know. It would only look as if she'd be jealous. And Lily Evans was most certainly not jealous because James Potter flirted with another girl!
She looked up from the flames, catching Black staring at her. He knew. Shit! But much to her surprise, he didn't rat her out. He smirked at her and winked. As if he knew the struggle inside of her.
While James and Peter were busy putting out the fire, Remus and Sirius slowly walked towards Lily. She could imagine what they were going to say: Jealous, Evans? Nice prank you've pulled.
"Evans", Sirius smiled, "thank you for yesterday evening. Thanks for helping James with his wounds and the tincture. He never uses it, though he should."
Remus smiled, too. "Yes, thank you, Lily. Thank you for being there. Thank you for not judging. You can't imagine how relieved I am."
"Oh, it's nothing, really. You're still you and I was so so worried. About you and..."
"And James?" Sirius grinned and nudged her shoulder, "Don't worry, we won't tell him you set his trousers on fire. We can keep a secret."
"I know." Lily smiled at him. She couldn't believe it! She must be out of her mind! She actually smiled at Sirius Black! He was actually nice to her! And then, something really unbelievable happened: Sirius Black hugged her.
"Thanks again, Lily-Pad", he whispered before letting go of her.
"Oh, it's a pleasure. Don't mention it. By the way: Marlene is still in the Common Room. Maybe you could try and help her figuring out her homework? She'd like it. A lot."
"Lily Evans, are you actually suggesting to flirt with your friend? What have they done to you? Where have you been brainwashed?" He chuckled. "I appreciate it, though. She's smoking hot!"
"Well, she thinks the same about you. Merlin knows why." She grinned at him before Sirius vanished into the Common Room.
"I'll get going, too. They've put out the flames and I'm sure you have to go now. Peter, are you coming?"
Remus smiled a last time at Lily before following Sirius. So she was left with James. And Ursula.
"Potter, we have to go", she told him coldly, "Dimmer, get lost, you have to be in your Common Room in ten minutes. Think you can manage? Otherwise I've got to take away five points from Hufflepuff. Wanna risk it?"
Oh, Lily knew she was bitchy right now. And she didn't care at all. James had told her he'd love her and what was he doing? Flirting, right in front of her eyes. With a girl whose hair was ginger. He wanted to get her wound up. Stop it. He didn't want that. He didn't think that way. He didn't even think. He was just James Freaking Potter, always breaking girls' hearts, playing with their minds. And he had managed to get into Lily's, too. Right now, she was so damn angry at herself.
"I'll get going, don't worry", murmured Ursula, giving James a small peck on the cheek before leaving the scene of disaster quickly.
"What the hell was that about, Evans?" James snapped at her.
"Stop talking and go. I don't want to spend my whole freaking evening with you, Potter."
"You seemed to like the thought of exactly that yesterday evening." James shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. He turned around and left Lily standing next to the portrait. After a few steps, he turned around to face her. "Are you coming, Evans?"
Lily was foaming with rage. She followed him quickly, overtaking him.
"Yesterday evening was different. I was tired and out of my right mind."
"Oh sure you were. You know, I'm so annoyed. You waited up and I was so fucking hopeful that you might've stayed up to make sure I'm alright. But no. I stayed up to find out about our Animagi. What the fuck is your problem, Evans?"
"My problem is that love is a game to you, let's not pretend. You're not an honest person, Potter. Never were, never will be."
James stopped, looking rather dazzled. "I... what? You think this is all fun and games?"
"Of course it is! At least for you. Telling me you love me and the next day you're flirting with another girl?" By now, Lily practically screamed at him. Lucky her, no-one was on the corridor anymore. Past their curfew.
"Woah, calm down, Evans." Confused, he softly placed his hand on her arm. "Calm down and don't shout. Ask me. Ask me about Ursula."
Lily took a deep breath. He was right, she shouldn't shout. She didn't fancy Peeves finding them to spread rumours.
"Okay. Asking. But not here. We patrol and afterwards, I ask and you answer. My rules, my conditions."
"Fair enough. I agree." James nodded and took away his hand, shoving both of them into his trouser's pockets before walking quietly next to Lily.
It was awkward. Lily wanted to shout at him, to let out all her frustration. And then again, she didn't. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being jealous. Because she wasn't. She most certainly wasn't jealous. At least she kept telling herself.
As they walked through the castle, the red-head tried to take her mind off of James Potter and the things to follow. She looked around, silently admiring the corridor, its arcs and doors and stairs. It was impressive that even Muggles could build amazing places like this. Muggles were truly wonderful. Pitty not everyone thought that way. Since living in the magical world, Lily had learned to appreciate the little things Muggles did. Like cleaning with hands rather than magic, using a washing machine, being overly careful when pasta is cooking so that it doesn't boil over. She used to do those things. And sometimes she misses it. But she never wished to trade her life. For nothing in the whole world. Being a witch was the best thing that has happened to her.
Hogwarts was the best thing that has happened to her. Without Hogwarts, she wouldn't have met Marlene, the only person she trusted with her life. She wouldn't have met Remus, this funny and clever young man. She wouldn't have found herself.
Although being at Hogwarts for six full years, starting her seventh, some things still amazed her. Transfiguration was still something so utterly fascinating. How could a person become an animal? How could a cup become chair? How could you make things fly, burn, breath with just the flick of a piece of wood?
And then there was flying. Lily loved flying, though she was still a bit unstable on a broom. She admired all the Quidditch players. For her, it was captivating. They were so secure, so strong, so quick and agile. She loved watching them flying loopings, diving, swooping, spinning, racing.
And yes, she liked watching Potter. He seemed so relaxed when flying. So happy and free. Considering the world they were living in, the racism, the hate, Lily would give a lot to be as free as James sometimes. As loose and relaxed. She was relaxed, yes. But sometimes she wished someone would take her mind off of everything. Usually Marlene managed to get her through those darker phases but sometimes even the enthralling laugh of the blond girl couldn't help Lily.
It didn't take Lily and James very long to patrol. They were back around midnight, with some of the others still in the Common Room.
"I get my jacket, you get your jacket and we go somewhere to talk", Lily told James.
"I know a place. If you promise not to freak out or tell anyone. Though I trust you to keep a secret."
Lily just nodded, quickly getting herself a proper jacket. Even with the sweater, it was getting colder and colder and she was freezing.
"Follow me." James made his way out of the Common Room. If they were caught, they could pretend to still be patrolling. Good thing being a Head Girl, Lily thought as she followed James on the seventh floor, left corridor.
"Now, this is very important." James stopped in front of a wall, facing Lily. "I'll show you this because I trust you. I absolutely trust you and I hope you don't misuse my trust. Promise me to not freak out or tell anyone, okay?"
"I'm not promising you anything," she snapped, but shrugged her shoulders. As if she would blurt out a secret.
Lily gasped in surprise.
"Is that a... a door?"
James nodded, quickly letting her and himself in. The room was beautiful! Absolutely magnificent.
"I didn't know what scenery you'd prefer, so I thought a nice fireplace with two sofas would be fine?"
"I... how did you... there was a wall and then not anymore and now..."
"Room of Requirement." James smiled at her, gesturing towards a sofa while he sat down on the one opposite. "It transforms into whatever you need. Need a calm place to study? There you go. Need a place to hide something? Same room. Need a safe place to love your girlfriend? You're welcome. This room can be anything you want it to be. The only thing it can't do is offering food. So I hope you're fine with not having a Midnight snack."
"Sure, whatever..." She looked around, still stunned by the room's beauty.
"Shall I start then?" James smiled at her. "Though you said we're only talking if we follow your rules. Go on then."
Lily nodded and cleared her throat. "Is this all just a game for you? You told me just yesterday that you're in love with me and today I see you flirting with another girl."
"Imagine this: you're hungry and absolutely craving a peanut butter sandwich. But the peanut butter is out of reach, as it is on a very high shelf and whatever you try – stretching, using a step ladder, magic -, you can't get it. It's like it's jinxed. So you go and find something else. You find marmalade, which is fine but not what you wanted. It's good and you're not hungry anymore. But the craving for peanut butter is still there. One glorious day, you manage to get it down from the shelf and try to unscrew the lid. As if that would work. So you give up and go back to marmalade again. That's our situation and you're my peanut butter."
This was the most ridiculous thing Lily has ever heard. She didn't say a word. Nothing at all.
"I wanted to make you jealous. And I'm sorry. I knew you'd be there so I kinda used the girl to get back at you. But you know... Remus once told me that you always see the best in people. Even if they don't see it in themselves. So why do you always see the worst in me?"
"Because you're an obnoxious toe-rag. You hex and jinx students, you play with girls' hearts. How many I've seen crying because of you! You're nothing but a jock. The brawny. Nothing more. And what's gonna be left in the future? Nothing! You're shallow and selfish! You use people to get what you want. And you only want me because I refuse to be mesmerized by your appearance and your personality!" By now, Lily was shouting. Again. The second time today she screamed at James Potter. But this time she wasn't even sorry.
"You're not a person, Potter, you're an image! A fantasy! Something, someone you imagine yourself to be! I can't even begin to tell you why I think so badly of you!"
"Then try it", James told her calmly, which only fuelled Lily's rage.
"Okay! If you insist! I hate the way you look at people! As if they're worth less than you! I hate that you bully other students, I hate the way you treated Severus! You made his life a living hell! And I can't and won't forgive you for it! He suffered! And although I really hate the direction his life took, I can understand his rage! Have you ever thought about that maybe, just maybe, you're part of the reason why he joined the Death Eaters? He wanted to be protected from you!"
At that point, James jumped out of his seat. "Discussion's over, Evans. We're not going down that road. I'm not the reason he's a fricking Death Eater! Don't ever say it again!"
Lily jumped up, too, only inches away from James. Very calmly but strong, she continued: "You drove him towards the Dark Side."
She had finally found something to use against him and by Merlin, she was gonna use it.
"You're the reason I lost my best friend. When I told you otherwise, I was lying. I was trying to protect you. You're the worst person. You're evil, James Potter. Loathsome."
"If I am, so are you. You're not better than me, Evans. I hate Snivellus because of how he treats Muggle-borns. If I treat Death Eaters the way he treats Muggle-borns then you treat us Marauders the same as he treats Muggle-borns." James shook his head. "The sad thing is: I can't get enough of you. You're always on my mind. When I wake up, when I fall asleep, when I'm in class. And you treat me like shit only to lead me on a few days later. But overall, you treat me like scum. Like your precious best friend treats Muggle-borns. You're as loathsome as me and him."
The young man ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head one more time before leaving the room.
Watching him leave, Lily realized something: he was right. He actually was right. She didn't want to be that person. James never did anything to her and he seemed to be truly upset about her outburst. Still, he'd played with her heart and she was sick of it.
"Never again", she quietly promised herself, "never again."