Chapter Seven - Lately I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we could be

She hadn't told Marlene yet. And Lily wasn't even sure if she wanted to. As soon as Marlene would know, hell would break loose.

That night on the Quidditch field, the truth had hit her hard. It was as if she would have been drowning and then finally reached the surface again, gasping, panting, sucking in the air in quick, short breaths.

James Potter sweating, all happy and beaming after a game of Quidditch. That was it. Her unknown Amortentia smell.

Lily sighed and rose out of her cosy chair by the fire in the Gryffindor common room. She had to get ready, no time to dwell on thoughts she would rather conceal than notice.

It was the afternoon of the big Hogwarts Halloween party and the smell of pumpkin was in the air throughout the whole castle. Sadly, Halloween did not allow her to ditch her Head Girl duties.

"I hope your boyfriend and his crazy companions aren't thinking about spiking the punch. I need to get James to go patrolling with me later that night", she addressed Marlene, as she lightly tapped her friend's head, "Come on, no more time for being lazy. We have to get changed."

"I still have plenty of time", Marlene complained, "and for the record: I don't think Sirius wants to spike it. Maybe he does. Actually, it would be brilliant!" The blond giggled and kissed Lily on the cheek. "Oh come on! Don't be like that, Lils! You know them and you know they'll try. They tried last year and the year before."

"But this year I'm the one who has to go through the castle with a fucking drunk Potter, who I'll probably drag away from some sexy-nurse-witch-maid-whatever he wanted to shag." Lily shook her head and sighed. "Sorry, I know, I'm being unreasonable."

"Yes you are", Marlene grinned and cuddled her best friend, "Let's just get dressed with the others and then we'll see what happens. They're already in the dormitory, getting ready. Good thing I don't need long."

And Marlene was right. When Lily entered her dorm, the room was buzzing with the voices of her friends, getting ready, putting on make-up, helping each other with their hair.

They usually agreed on a theme for Halloween, just to show off their friendship and because it was simply more fun. Last year, they all dressed up as teachers from the castle, the year before they had decided on dressing up as typical male-themed characters, like pirates and cowboys. Oh yes, they had a lot of fun. But for their last Halloween at Hogwarts, Lily and her friends decided they wanted to be princesses. Disney princesses, in fact.

Marlene decided on being Alice, because, in her words: "That's just who I am! Adventurous and blond and I just follow every little thing that can lead me to danger."

Lily had just rolled her eyes; she knew that Marlene wasn't as much of a danger-lover as she thought herself to be.

After all the girls were dressed, it was time to head towards the Great Hall. Since Marlene went out with Sirius, she insisted that they should go there together, as a couple. From what Marlene had told her, Lily was very glad that she had been in the library and not in the middle of their fight.

"He can be such a git!" Marlene complained on the way to the Great Hall, "He really can. Wanted to go there with his friends, that I understand. But we could've gone as a big group, you know. That would've been a lot of fun. But no, bloody idiot. I bet he has something planned. Something really big. Lily, I really do like him a lot." Marlene sighed and Lily just rolled her eyes.

Having a doe-eyed friend was a bit hard when she was unhappily in love... no wait. Lily was not unhappily in love. She was not annoyed with Marlene because of that. She was annoyed because she knew how quickly Marlene could change her mood within seconds. A simple thought, smell, object, word could cause her to change completely and that was simply very exhausting.

Still, Lily loved her with all her heart.

The way to the Great Hall was busy with students dressed up as all sorts of things. Pirates as well as bananas or the latest Muggle-movie characters crossed the friends' way, some famous witches and wizards could be spotted in the crowd, too.

Lily and her friends had just made their way through; trying to spot some familiar faces in the Hall, as the floating candles suddenly went off. It was pitch black in the Hall and slight panic was just about to arise, as the candles on the stage at the far end of the Hall began to light again.

There was a murmur going through the crowd before everyone started cheering in admiration.

On the stage there were the Marauders, all dressed up as Lily's favourite Muggle band Queen. Okay, they were lip-syncing the song and no-one but James played the instruments themselves, but they've put together quite a show. Differently coloured lights were illuminating the obscure scene and the music filled the Great Hall into every little corner and crack.

"Come on!" Marlene grinned at Lily, dragging her friend by the hand to dance with her in the middle of the others.

"This is amazing, isn't it?" the blonde grinned at her friend, clearly enjoying herself.

Lily wasn't too sure if what the Marauders were doing was even legal but right now, she couldn't care less. She wasn't on duty now and there were teachers around who clearly didn't stop the amazing show they've put together.

It must've taken ages for James to learn all the songs, for Sirius to so perfectly copy the way Freddie Mercury walks and moves. Lily secretly admired them for it. Between Quidditch, classes, homework, social life and Head Boy duties, it was really a miracle that James had managed to be an active part of the act.

After nearly an hour, the Marauders finished their show and the candles in the Great Hall began to flicker again. After a great round of applause for the four young men, music filled the Hall again and the chatter came back to life.

Lily and Marlene made their way to a table with finger food and drinks, when they were joined by Remus and Sirius. Soon, Marlene and Sirius made their way back to the dancing floor, while Lily and Remus stayed behind. While sipping on her punch, the redhead tried to make out James in the crowd without admitting to herself that she desperately tried to spot the familiar black hair.

"I'm sure he'll be here soon", Remus chuckled, "James and Peter just wanted to get some fresh air and said they'll be right back. Great costume, by the way. Your friends are all Disney princesses, right? It's a bold choice to be Peter Pan. You could've been Wendy or Tinkerbell."

Lily laughed and turned towards her friend rather than the crowded Hall.

"I know. There's no redheaded princess and I didn't want to change my hair colour, so Peter Pan it is. And it's also way more comfy and practical for patrolling through the castle later on."

"True, I give you that. I'm not really familiar with the Disney stuff... which princesses are your friends?"

"Well, not everyone is a princess. There aren't that many, to be honest."

Lily shrugged and went on: "Marlene is Alice, Shannon is Snow White, Alice dressed up as Mary Poppins. Not a princess, I know. Not even close but as I said: there aren't that many princesses. Pauline is Cinderella and that's it. But I have to say: your costumes are amazing and I so enjoyed the show. It must've cost you a lot of time to prepare the show."

He chuckled and took another sip from his strawberry punch before answering her.

"So much time. And James was hardly ever available. Although he was the one who actually learned how to play the songs! We can't sing or play instruments, so we lip-synched and pretended to play but James actually did."

"Yeah, I noticed." Lily smiled bashfully and ducked her head.

Remus just grinned and slightly squeezed her hand before he carried on with his story.

The young woman smiled politely but completely zoned out. Lily was so happy to have Remus as her friend. He didn't judge, he didn't try to rile her up, to tease her about her confused feelings. He truly was amazing.

"Hey, Lily? Earth to Lily?"

"Huh?" She chuckled and focused on Remus again. "Sorry, my mind wandered off... What did you say?"

"I asked if you'd rather have me walking the castle with you tonight than James."

"Well..." Lily let her eyes wander to catch sight of James.

The Marauder and his mousy-haired friend were surrounded by girls, giggling and chuckling at every word the young men said.

James seemed to be particularly fond of a pretty Hufflepuff brunette, whose arm he touched continuously.

"Yeah... I'd actually rather have you than him, Remus. We don't want to disturb our precious friend in his flirting, do we?" Lily spat out and shook her head dismissively.

Remus smiled amusingly and held out his hand. "Care for a dance?"

"Of course I do." Lily smiled thankfully and took his hand only to follow him to the dance floor.

He really was a great dancer and it was so much fun to feel free, to not have to think about James. Why did she even think about him that much? He was pretty and amazing and sometimes even sweet and made her laugh. But Lily had no feelings for him. She didn't love him. She wasn't even sure if she fancied him even the slightest bit.

Oh, who was she kidding? Of course she fancied James Potter. But more as a crush, some pretty boy to look at than something serious. Because she was quite certain she could be with him if she wanted.

After a few minutes of silence, Remus addressed the dreaded topic: James Potter.

"So, Lily? May I ask you something about James?"

"You may. As long as I don't have to answer it."

"Of course not." Remus smiled down at her. "I know you care about him. I was just wondering how much. No, let me rephrase it. I know you and him are some sort of friends. And I trust you mean it, because you are not the type of person to fake feelings. But what are your exact intentions?"

Lily sighed lightly. "I'm sometimes not sure myself. Lately, I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we could be. The friendship we could have. The trust. But then, sometimes not even ten minutes later, he does something that completely riles me up, that makes me want to slap some sense into him. I feel like all I want to do is to better him. To help him be the man he could be."

"He's getting there, Lily. And you're the proof for it. If he hadn't changed, you wouldn't have befriended him. And Sirius. Honestly, I truly believe that being friends with Sirius is easier than being friends with James. Both are drama queens. But differently."

"Yeah, I know", Lily laughed, "Sirius is a dramatic drama queen while James is a pathetic drama queen. Sirius is way more fun in that point."

"Tell me about it! We had some many Lily-hates-me drama queen scenarios that it's getting a bit annoying."

"And yet he does hardly anything to change my mind about him."

During their conversation, the two had stopped dancing and made their way outside to sit down. That was much better than dancing and talking at the same time.

"You mean his love declaration and then the flirting with other girls?"

"Exactly. No wonder I don't think very highly of him. No wonder I just don't believe him."

"But you can believe Padfoot and me when we tell you that he honestly loves you. So much." Remus chuckled. "In our fifth year, he made a whole list about the things he loves about you. And he keeps adding to it."

"Really?" Lily stared at him in disbelieve, "He has a list? I'm not sure if I find that degrading or sweet."

"If you would know the things, you'd know that it's not a degrading list. Otherwise I would've said something to him. He is not that kind of guy. He doesn't objectify women."

Before Lily could say something, James and Peter joined their two friends outside.

"Hey there. We haven't seen you two the whole evening!" James smiled at Lily.

"No, you were busy with... what's her name? Portia?"

"Oh yeah. She was really sweet, wasn't she, Wormtail?"

Peter nodded. "She really was. Although I have the feeling that she's rather stupid. Not the most intelligent person. You got so annoyed in the end, Prongs. I think I've hardly ever seen you that pissed off."

"Well, it truly was annoying! She wanted to hug me all the time and it was difficult to keep her away from me. I didn't want to be too rude, so I tried to push her away gently. For like 15 minutes and she didn't get it!"

That must've been why James kept touching her, Lily thought. And, not much to her surprise, she was rather relieved that he didn't fancy the girl. She didn't want him to flirt with other girls. But then again, she didn't want him to flirt with her, either. It was just all very complicated. In her mind and i her heart.

"Lily? Would you like to dance?" James offered her his hand and smiled at her.

"Sure, why not?" Before she had even realised what she had said, Lily had already taken his hand. She was sure that Remus would understand. And she was sure that she'd end up patrolling with James after all.

"James? I just wanted to tell you that your show was amazing. I enjoyed it a lot."

"I'm glad you liked it", James smiled at her, "I know it's one of your favourite bands, so I was trying harder than I would have to get all the songs right."

"That's very sweet", she smiled back. After a moment of hesitation, she leaned her head against his chest.

James placed a soft kiss on the top of her head, which made Lily feel like never before. Her heart skipped a beat and her cheeks started to burn. She didn't want to feel his way, not at all. She did not want to fall for James Potter.